Of the decade and a half that made up my entire adult life before I met my husband I was single for at least the decade. That is a long time to wait for the best thing in your life. Since I was a late bloomer, though, now, I’m glad I did wait so long. It meant I didn’t have to compromise a thing.
Anyway, during this time, I received a lot of advice about the best way to find a partner, and one of the things I heard the most was this: Don’t look. Don’t try. Trying, after all, is desperate.
“You’ll only find him when you’re not looking,” my well-wishers told me earnestly. “Then one day he’ll just appear out of the blue and you’ll be in love.”
But, as I found out much, much later: They were wrong.
When I met my ex-husband, I was not looking for a partner. By that time, I had decided that I would be alone for the rest of my life, maybe, or maybe at least until I was forty. I would write, and read, and take long walks, and live in the house that I bought all by myself and that I loved. I would be independent.
I would follow their advice to a tee.
And, for a while, it was good. For several years, I was happier than I had ever been before. Then I met Jake–and it was all downhill from there.
Jake and I dated on and off for several years before getting married. By then, I was already out of college and I didn’t know if I’d ever meet anyone else more suitable to me. (Especially since, as I mentioned already, I wasn’t looking.) I prayed about our relationship and, eventually, I decided it was God’s will for us to be together. And so, we got married. Nine months later, we were divorced.
It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
After that, I decided not to be perfect anymore, or un-desperate, or to wait for God or fate or anything else that was out of my control. I decided to make myself happy. I decided to look for a partner.
I decided to try.
I signed up for some dating websites on the internet, and a few months later, I found my husband.
I was lucky, of course. It’s not always that easy to find the person you love. Still, though. I’m convinced that it isn’t the mystery it’s so often made out to be, either. It isn’t a movie, and this isn’t Hollywood, and there is no magic involved. You decide what you want, then you take steps to get there. That’s when the luck plays its role–not before.