My Relationship Journal: June
Lesson: Don’t Make It Into a Big Deal
Book Notes and Quotes:
For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed, Tara Parker-Pope:
- Seventy percent of the time, couple’s fights are never resolved–even among happy couples. No two people agree on everything all the time.
- “To expect your husband or wife to agree with you on all things is an unrealistic burden to place on a marriage.”
The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shaunte Feldhahn:
- Remember that your partner probably loves you a great deal. In one survey, the overwhelming majority of people said that they “care deeply” about their partners, but only four in ten believed that their partners felt the same.
- “Once you believe your spouse absolutely cares about you . . . hurt, anger and resentment arise a lot less often.”
Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstanding, Aaron T. Beck M.D.:
- “When it comes to talking out conflicts, again there is a sex difference. Many women, for example, take the attitude ‘The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.’ Many husbands, on the other hand, have the view ‘The relationship is not working as long we keep talking about it.'”
My Relationship Resolutions:
- I won’t overtalk. I won’t discuss every nuance of our relationship with Matthew. Men love their dogs for a reason.
- I won’t expect too much. Matthew has the right to a bad day, and so do I. We can apologize and move on.
- When something is bothering me a little too much, I’ll point it out nicely, once only, then drop the subject for a while. No big deal.
- I will continue to maintain close same-gender friendships, as well as hobbies that may or may not include Matthew. If Matt is my whole life, every disagreement threatens my happiness. I will not let this happen.
- Most important, I won’t overreact, ever. In fact, I will underreact. Even if at the time the problem seems like a big deal, I’ll trust we’ll figure it out eventually.
For the Fridge:
- “I promise to underreact.”
Read the rest of the series at Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby: A Self-Help Novel.