It’s as true of a blender as it is of a dog: things don’t cost what they cost. They cost what they cost to buy, maintain, move around and store. All these factors cost money (yes, space alone costs money: square footage is the number one factor in home price, and have you seen your heating bill lately?), but there are several other costs to consider, and both are more valuable than cash. The first is the cost of your time: the sheer number of minutes that add up to hours that add up to days that you spend rearranging, cleaning, protecting, and working around your stuff. And the second is the cost of your emotion . . .
For the purposes of this book, the terms “bare” and “naked” aren’t so much about wearing no clothes as they are about wearing nothing that distracts from your beauty.
This is chapter one of my book, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby: A Self-help Story. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
*
Everyone told me it was normal to be nervous. More than nervous—freaked out. Insecure. You’re going to let us take her home now? By ourselves? they remembered thinking before leaving the hospital. Are you sure that’s such a good idea?
And actually, it was pretty weird. The nurses taught me how to latch the baby, how to change a diaper, how to adjust the straps on the car seat. They helped Matt and I get the swaddle neat and tight. But they didn’t say a word about, well, parenting. Crib or bed? Feeding schedule or no? Go back to work or stay at home? All of the hard decisions were saved for another day, not this day, the day Poppy was born.
I labored at the hospital, Matthew there and gone again, making trips between the delivery room, various eating establishments and home. While he distracted himself with errands, I distracted myself with an audio book, trying not to wish he was nearby. Thing was, I didn’t want him there. I really didn’t. I didn’t want to have to have a conversation. But if he would have held me–just that, and nothing more–that might have been all right.
It took two hours for the pitocin to kick in, and in late afternoon the real labor came. For this, Matthew did hold me, both my head and my hand, offering his body as leverage. When the midwife told me to curl, Matthew pushed my legs to my head, and laughed at how hard I pushed back. Lots of pushes. Lots. So many. So many. Then the head was visible, and the midwife asked if I wanted a mirror.
“Yes!” I said.
“No,” said Matt at the same time. Then: “You do, Hon? Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I said. “Of course I do. Don’t you?”
The midwife positioned it for me, and I saw my baby for the first time.
It didn’t look like a baby.
Three more pushes. Hard pushes. Long ones. Then: relief. The head was out, and with a last push for the body, Matthew and I became parents.
Matthew looked at the baby, then at me. “It’s a girl,” he announced.
“We know that already,” I said, laughing.
“She’s beautiful,” he said.
“But we knew that, too.”
“Of course we did. She is perfect.”
The midwife put Poppy, now crying heavily, on my chest. As I smooshed my breast against her mouth, Matthew put his hand on her soft hair.
“There she is.”
“There she is. She is ours.”
* * *
Late that night. Matthew gone again. He didn’t want to sleep on the pull-out. And as I soon learned, it was just as well. No, not just as well; it was better.
I got to spend the whole night with just her.
No sharing. No small talk. No deciding. No details. No normal life stuff. Just life. Just the room, the dark, except the street lamps below the half-drawn blinds, and a simple light behind the bed dimmed to almost nothing.
So this is motherhood, I thought as I stared at Poppy’s face. This is who I am now. Strange that I’m not scared. Everyone says you’ll be scared. But I feel good. I feel confident. It feels simple.
Here’s this little alive thing, sort of like a plant, except that I am her air and sunlight, her photosynthesis. She needs me completely, and I accept the challenge. That is the way this thing works.
It’s the most straightforward relationship I’ve ever had.
Honestly, that was it. That was my conclusion. I would be the giver, she’d be the taker—and I was fine with that. It was when I expected something, when I needed someone to behave a certain way—that was the situation I worried about.
Which is why lying in bed that night, there was only one thing I was worried about, and it had nothing to do with the baby.
It was Matthew.
What’s he going to be like, now that we have a kid? I wondered. Will he be the same person? For that matter, will I? Will being parents affect the way we treat each other? How we are together?
How will our relationship change?
And as it turned out, I was right to be nervous. Because while that first year with Poppy was one of the best of my life, it was the worst for me and Matt.
* * *
The following day, the hospital. Only that room in the hospital, and the bathroom adjoining it. Nothing more. Matthew came and went, bringing meals, bringing news. We opened a few presents, saw doctors, did paperwork. I slept a bit, too, Poppy next to me on the bed, though the nurse had advised against it. When I had to change my pad, the nurses helped me to the bathroom. They changed all of Poppy’s diapers and held her when she cried. It was the first time in my life I’d been waited on so thoroughly, and I relished it. I didn’t want to leave.
The following morning, Matthew arrived at 9 a.m. to take me home, and I delayed the departure as long as possible. When the time finally came—it was close to noon—I took a long last look at the room.
Maybe it was nostalgia. Sentimentality. Hormones. Or maybe—just maybe—it was more than that. Maybe it was the inkling I’d had the night before about Matthew.
Maybe I was sensing the learning curve ahead.
Yes, that was it. Just hours after giving birth, I had the mom thing figured out. I didn’t know how to do anything—not even change a diaper—but I knew how to be alone with my child. But four years into my marriage, I still didn’t know what Matthew expected of me, what he didn’t expect of me, and, most important, what to expect of myself. When it was just Matthew and I, this oversight didn’t matter. I compensated for not understanding what he really needed by giving him more of what he wanted, which worked fine. But now—now I had a second relationship to consider. My usual coping strategies wouldn’t work.
Even before Matthew and I arrived home the tension between us had begun. Matthew wasn’t himself. He was irritable. Hurried. Though whether due to jealousy, neglect or just impatience, I’ll never know.
He tried to hide his annoyance with humor. “Should’ve had a home birth.”
I responded with a tight smile and forced laugh. “I liked it there,” I said.
“Yeah, I noticed. Thought you were going to sprain an ankle so you could stay.”
“Don’t begrudge me my reward,” I told him, smiling again. “Besides, I thought about it. Wouldn’t’ve worked.”
The things I didn’t say: “Why do I have to bring up the pain of childbirth this soon?” “Why aren’t you happier?” “Why aren’t we celebrating?” I wanted the day we left the hospital to be special, an occasion. Instead, I just felt sad to go home.
Maybe it was too much to expect him to know how I felt, how I wanted him to support me on that day. But a small gesture made in that tender time would’ve gone a long way towards lessening my fears. He could’ve held my hand. He could’ve told me how proud he was of me. He could’ve just asked me what I needed. It would’ve taken so little, almost nothing—but instead, he chose jokes and I chose smiles.
The first two weeks after the baby was born, I cried nearly every night before sleep. A few times, Matthew heard me; he came to the bedroom and asked what was wrong. Each time I told him the same thing.
“It’s just hormones, Hon. I’ll be okay.”
I was working too hard. That was part of the problem. I always had and didn’t want to stop. Baby in the chest carrier, I cooked, cleaned and, my favorite, organized. There’s never an end of things to organize.
Part of me realized the emotions were normal, and that I wasn’t taking good enough care of myself. Another part of me, though, blamed Matthew.
He wasn’t helping enough. That’s the truth, unvarnished. He didn’t seem to know how to, really. While my life had changed completely—no more day job, constant sleep interruptions—he was quickly back to his usual routine. Work. Eat. Play. Sleep. Weekends: basketball, projects. Which is why, during those first few weeks with Poppy, I felt all the good stuff you’re supposed to feel— gratitude and love—I felt a lot of bad stuff, too. I was scared. I was angry. But mostly, I was sad. Sad that things weren’t right with me and Matt.
*
Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
This is chapter one of my book, The Power of Acceptance: One Year of Mindfulness and Meditation. Get your copy at Amazon, Walmart or your other online retailer of choice. And leave a review if possible. Thank you!
***
I wish I could remember the exact phrase that got it into me, that finally made it go click! But maybe there wasn’t one; maybe it was the book as a whole that implanted it, in some otherworldly, sibylline way. Whatever the case, soon afterward came the more important moment, the one I remember to this day.
It was the summer of 2013. I was sitting in our family room reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now as the baby played next to me on a big green comforter on the floor. As he mouthed one unsuspecting rattle after another and pressed buttons that rewarded him with nonsense, I finished the book for the third time. And though I still don’t know the exact point at which it happened, by the time I set the book down, something inside me had changed. I put a hand on Xavier’s fresh little face and he turned to me, looking disoriented. I smiled and he held my gaze and smiled back, then held out his stubby arms. I pulled him into my lap and his head bobbed toward my breast and as I nursed him I considered what I’d just read.
Though I had been raised immersed (some may say half-drowned) in religion, the several years leading up to Xavier’s conception had been focused elsewhere—mostly on my new partner, David, and my growing freelance writing business. Spirituality was still there—part of me, part of my definition of myself—but it wasn’t very close to the surface.
Then, a year before the baby was born, I discovered Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, and with it a strange brand of spirituality called New Thought. By the time I picked up The Power of Now for the third time, a year and a half had passed, and Xavier was about six months old. I had explored and applied my new beliefs in depth, and now it was time to take the next step. Long days of motherhood begged for community and friendship, as well as increased inner strength. And so, to my still-unfamiliar routine of play dates, car naps and Gymboree, I added going to church.
Another book of mine discusses my attempt to fulfill a two-pronged goal to increase both earthly and divine connection. Meditation was a logical part of the plan, but there was a problem: until that day on the floor with Tolle and baby, I had never truly tried it. Once, while I was still a Christian, I attended one Buddhist meditation session in a home that had been revamped into a temple, but this hardly counted; it was cultural voyeurism, not a sincere effort. It was a minor act of rebellion, of open-mindedness, a pushing of the envelope, the kind of thing a good girl like myself found exciting.
Except one thing: It wasn’t exciting—not at all. Not the least little bit. In that room decorated all in red—red velvet pillows, red calligraphy wall hangings, red-patterned plush carpet—I could hardly breathe for the effort it took to sit still. And when I tried to focus on my breath, as the unsmiling leader suggested, I nearly hyper-ventilated.
And that was just the first five minutes.
Soon, I gave up, and instead watched the clock and the handful of people sitting with me. How do they do it? I wondered as my back started aching and my legs fell asleep. More to the point, why do they?
I shifted out of the kneeling position and moved against the back wall. I considered leaving, but didn’t.
Slowly, slowly, time dripped from the clock, and the final instruction—to open our eyes—came as a relief. I got out of there as fast as possible, shoes in hand, and fidgeted my way to the car.
Which is why it was strange that after finishing The Power of Now that day twelve years later, I decided to try it again.
Like I said: something had clicked.
Sitting on the green blanket, Xavier still in my arms, I flipped back through the pages of the book I hadn’t wanted to read again, then hadn’t wanted to finish. I looked for a passage I’d underlined about Tolle’s unique meditation technique, namely, sensing the energy of the body, then reread it several times.
You know what? I thought, This doesn’t sound so bad.I don’t even have to stop thinking. What if it really can help me connect with the Divine inside myself?
What if it actually works?
I closed my eyes. I tried to sense my body, as Tolle instructed—to feel the subtle energy moving in and through me. It didn’t take long before I realized that it was working: I could feel it. It was there. This was real.
I felt the tingling of my hands. I felt the pulsing of my arms and legs. Though I knew it was probably just a body being a body, noticing it in this way was calming. Suddenly, it hit me: I was meditating. And it wasn’t even that hard.
That evening I took a long walk with the baby and tried the technique again. This time, I didn’t think of it as meditation—I wasn’t sitting, after all—but the feeling I had was the same. I was relaxed, but it was more than that: I was present. I was in a now-place in my mind, rather than in the future or the past. There was a subtle joy and a feeling of love that accompanied this presence, too, which I considered to be some sort of connection with the Divine. And so, the following day I decided to take the next step: I looked up meditation classes in my area.
Not long after that, I was hooked.
Before I knew it, Xavier was one year old and I had spent the past six sleep-deprived months honing this newly-discovered skill. The following year, as I wrote You’re Getting Closer, I expanded my spiritual practices considerably, with success following disappointment following success.
A year passed. Xavier was now two years old, and as I reflected on that milestone in his life I thought about my own progress, too.
And one of the things I thought about most was my failure.
***
Last November, sometime in the middle of the month, I had the best two weeks of my year. After a couple of particularly enjoyable incidents—one being a trip to see my family—a warm, delicious feeling got into me and stuck, and every day—nearly every moment, even—I felt the presence of God.
I felt it when I read. I felt it when I played with my child. It was there all the time, a bit below the surface of my thoughts. Even when difficulties arose, the state of mind remained; I was able to stay an arm’s length from my problems. At one point during this time, for example, a friend got upset at me for not cleaning up the mess my kids had made at her house. Though our hour-long conversation about it was tense and uncomfortable, delving into past slights and wrongs, I got though it without anger. A few days later, on my most enjoyable birthday in recent memory, I told my husband I felt deeply at peace.
Then one day, a week or so later, that special feeling went away. I still don’t know why it happened. Maybe I’d become complacent, or maybe I wasn’t mediating as much, or maybe it was a new bout of depression coming on. Whatever the cause, it was a great disappointment—one that represented a much larger problem.
This wasn’t the only time a spiritual high was followed by a major low that year—or the year before, for that matter. And so one day toward the end of that year, I attempted to figure all this out.
What am I doing wrong? I asked God over and over. More importantly, what was I doing right before that I am not doing now?
And I didn’t just pray. Every day for a month straight, I tried every trick I knew to get the feeling back. Of course, meditation was the first on my list, as it had been for the past year and a half. I upped my weekly goals from one class to three, enlisting my husband’s support. He took the baby swimming while I went to church or temple, seeking that spiritual high. The hour-long sessions were helpful, but they didn’t get me out of my rut. Neither did my mantras or my visualizations—or my walks, which often incorporated both.
I still felt pretty crappy.
And so, for a while, I stopped trying. I gave up. I was tired of all the effort, the fruitless striving. I needed a break, but what I didn’t realize was that more than four months would pass before I even attempted another sitting meditation.
The time off wasn’t a total loss. During it, I thought about what I needed that I didn’t have—the missing link, so to speak. Intuitively I knew that there was some method I could use anytime, no matter how I felt, that would immediately get me in touch with the Divine. After all, all of the New Thought mentors out there say that spiritual connectedness is our natural state. So why, after several years of striving and seeking, was I still feeling it so infrequently?
Truly, I was missing something.
With this goal in mind, I resumed my current spiritual practices as well as my search for more effective ones. I read more books, discovered more techniques—prayers and ideas I hadn’t yet tried. I counteracted negative thoughts with positive ones, as the collective entity known as Abraham recommends. I re-read You’re Getting Closer and became inspired to again surrender each moment to divine guidance. But while these practices and many like them brought some encouragement, some peace, I never got back to where I was.
I am still not back. Currently, I’m swimming upstream, as Abraham says, very much against the current of the spirit. My thoughts are often negative. My mood is often recalcitrant. Most of the time, I want to be somewhere else. I’m easily annoyed, and easily insulted, and often downright neurotic.
In other words: I’m not feeling very spiritual.
It is the beginning of January, however, and if there’s anything I love, it’s a fresh start. Sure, it’s only a date on the calendar—but it may be just the thing I need.
It’s time for a New Year’s resolution.
***
Although it was long before the beginning of the year that I decided to make a spiritually minded resolution, until a few days ago I knew only the criteria. The goal, I realized, would have to be doable, something I could stick to all year. It would have to allow for imperfection, and maybe lots of it, and be simple and clearly stated. When one pen, two pieces of paper, my favorite chair and thirty free minutes collided in my world, I sat down to consider my options.
Should I do a sitting meditation every day, and if so, how long should it last? Would five minutes be enough to make it worth the effort, or should I do at least fifteen?
Should I resume my goal to hold myself in continuous meditation all day long? And if so, how would I do it? Would I say mantras, visualize my God-self, listen for action-by-action guidance? Or should I try something else entirely?
Finally, I made the decision. My twofold resolution this year isn’t as bold as my last—and not nearly as frightening, either. I will do sitting meditation for at least five minutes every day, and I’ll remain in the state of meditation as much a possible after that.
Five minutes is doable every day, I realized as the idea came—even for a busy mom like me. It’s simple and easy to track, and if I’m able to stick with it, the benefits could be enormous. But what really convinced me to choose this goal was that, compared with other options, it’s relatively low-pressure.
***
Recently, I was reflecting on some of the spiritual books I love that draw so many other people in, too, and with such devotion. Why do I like Eckhart Tolle so much? I asked myself. And Neale Donald Walsch, and Esther Hicks?
Is it because they’re so quotable, so poetic? Somehow, I don’t think that’s it. Is it because they claim to hear directly from a divine Source? Maybe, but Tolle doesn’t channel his books.
The number one reason we love them so much, I believe, is this: they are extreme. They don’t merely describe a nice spiritual practice, or summarize a few lofty ideas. They aren’t conservative. They don’t hold back. Instead, they insist we can all be great. We can all get enlightened. And maybe even healthy and wealthy, too. Barring these goals, we can at least experience something we’ve been seeking a long time: our next major spiritual high.
And we believe them. We read them, then read them again, then try to practice what they preach. Our efforts pay off: we get a glimpse of the bliss they promise. Then we read the next book and wait for more.
Many of us—most of us—are still waiting.
Of course, our frequent failed attempts at inner peace are not the fault of these wonderful authors. Bliss, enlightenment, our next spiritual high—these are, as they say, truly possible for us all. The problem is this: obsessing about where we’re headed doesn’t help the car drive faster; if anything, it tends to slow it down.
Which is why five minutes of meditation feels right to me this year. It isn’t an overly optimistic goal. It isn’t going to cause me to expect fast miracles, or spiritual ascendance overnight.
If anything, it’ll remind me to stay humble.
And although the second part of my resolution is much like that in You’re Getting Closer, namely, remaining in continuous communication with the Divine, there’s one important difference here. That difference comes in the middle part of the sentence: “as much as possible.”
As much as possible. As much as I can.
In a way, the qualifier is an escape clause—a way out of my resolution, should I need one. But I know me, and perfection can’t be my goal. If it is, I’ll just give up. And that seems pretty counter-productive, doesn’t it?
When I’m an old woman, with cropped curly hair, and eight pink sweaters and one pair of brown shoes, I’m going to be good at being spiritual. I’ll have one of those blissed-out smiles for everyone, and upbeat catch phrases like “You do you, Martha!” I’ll be wise, and silly, and sane, too, damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it: I will. Until then, though, I’ll just be consistent. I’ll just do the work that will eventually get me to that point. Every day, for five minutes, I’ll seek a peaceful mental place. And when I find it, I’ll try to stay a while.
As it turns out, I’m not Eckhart Tolle—or Esther Hicks, for that matter. I’m just a regular person, muddling my way through, hoping for a few answers to the usual questions, such as those I’m asking this year:
Will I be able to keep my resolution this year to meditate for five minutes a day?
Will I find it hard to do so, or will it be fairly easy?
Will I get rid of any part of my neurotic tendencies? Or will they mostly remain?
Maybe most important, will I find the missing link I’m looking for—a continuous meditation method that works every time?
I have no idea whether or not the perfect spiritual practice is out there, or whether there’s some other, more important lesson in store. But isn’t the process of discovery a major part of the fun?
Seeking is what makes the finding interesting.
***
Get your copy of The Power of Acceptance at Amazon or your other online retailer of choice, or be one of the first to purchase it from Walmart. And, if possible, don’t forget to leave a review.
This is chapter one of my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home. Get your copyat Amazon or at your online retailer of choice today.
***
The other day, I read the craziest thing. Not crazy in the hyperbolic sense, either—actually a bit crazy. And you know what? Part of me believes it anyway.
It was in the book Zero Limits by spirituality writer Joe Vitale, and the words came from the guru who is the subject of said book. His name is Hew Len, and according to him, he has regular two-way interactions—yes, entire conversations—with all sorts of inanimate objects. My favorite line of his, said of a shabby hotel conference room: “This room says its name is Sheila.”
I know, I know: that’s what I thought, too. Still, this isn’t an entirely novel belief. Only a few weeks before reading Zero Limits I read the book Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of the Soul by Jane Roberts, which discusses something similar. Seth is the spirit entity channeled by the author back in the 1960s, and the supposed true author of this and several of Roberts’ other books. I figure that anyone who lives in another plane of existence deserves a fair hearing, and because of this I’m tempted to believe him when he says things like, “There is consciousness even in a nail …”
Okay, so you might not be as susceptible to mysticism as I am. And trust me when I say I’m not trying to convert you or anything. I share these quotes simply because doing so makes me feel a bit less kooky when I make the first major philosophical statement of this book, namely: your house is like a person; it has a soul.
Your house is a kindly grandmother or an accomplished musician. It’s a garbage collector or a playful child or an artist. It has an identity and it has a personality, and when you spend time with it, that personality is communicated. It is felt.
Your house is like a person. It has a soul. And that soul can, like a good book, be a friend.
***
Beauty is actually pretty important
Every time you walk through the front door of your home—or anyone’s home, for that matter—your mood changes immediately. As soon as you take in the entrance and the first room, your levels of enjoyment, comfort and peace shift in subtle ways. Because that’s what happens to us all when we enter a new space: we take on a little bit of its message. This is why people spend even more money on venue and decorations for a party than they spend on music and food. Being around people you love is great, and you can probably enjoy them anywhere. But being somewhere nice with those same people is much, much nicer. It’s worth the extra money, the extra effort.
People often ask why other people like to go camping. The answer is obvious: the beauty. It’s not the hiking, or the swimming, or the campfire with the s’mores (though I love all these things)—you can get those at a cabin. It’s the feeling of waking up in the morning smelling truly fresh air and stumbling to the bathroom surrounded by trees. It’s making coffee and pancakes outside, in one of the many places on the earth that are absolutely perfectly designed, exactly as they are.
No French doors. No balcony. No granite counter tops and tile back splashes. No fountain-like bathroom taps; you’ll use a water pump that splashes your feet. No gables. No Great Grain Number Three from Sherwin Williams. No microfiber. No just-finished maple hardwood floors. Just nature.
And it’s stunning. Every part of it. Everywhere you look. The birds in the trees, the spider on the log. The dirt is everywhere, and the dirt is wonderful. You wouldn’t think of covering it up or getting rid of it, except inside the tent.
This is why you walked three miles with the heaviest backpack you’ve ever carried or packed your car to the brim, drove a long distance and spent two hours arranging your campsite. This is why you used an outhouse this morning and why you ate dehydrated food for dinner last night. This. Just this. Just the beauty.
Was it worth it? It is for me.
Beauty is important. Beauty makes you feel good. It brings peace. It makes you happier. Of course, our homes will never be beautiful in the way that nature is beautiful. But think about how you feel when you walk into your house every day. Is it a good feeling? If it is, is it as good as it could be? If not, why? What do you want to change?
***
Let’s talk about your goal
Soon, I’ll list the five principles of the Naked House. But first, let’s talk for a second about what we’re really doing when we’re doing all this organizing. What is your goal? What are you moving toward? What do you want your home to make you feel?
When I asked myself that question, the answer was obvious. I didn’t want a fancier house, or a bigger house, or even a sunnier, more cheerful one. I just wanted my house to feel peaceful. Home is where we relax. It’s where we go to calm down. I like feeling cheerful, and I understand that some people love yellow kitchens and light blue bathrooms. This isn’t what I wanted, though. I wanted brown. I wanted a muted color palette with very few adornments and an emphasis on the view from our large windows. I wanted my house to look like part of the earth.
Is that what you want, too? Do you want more serenity, simplicity and restfulness in your life? If so, the tips in this book might help. Because here, we’re not just talking about home decor, or cleaning, or organization. What we’re talking about is changing our environment in a way that allows for a fresh new perspective on life.
We’re talking about how to be happier.
Of course, a serene look might not be your goal. You might want a more high-energy look. That’s fine. But consider adding to your vision the element of peace. I contend that even a brighter home with more detail than mine has can benefit from some degree of minimalism.
Whatever look you desire, take a moment before starting your cleaning process to clearly visualize it. Then, if you get discouraged as you work through your rooms, you’ll have a goal image to recall.
***
Life is hard. Reorganizing isn’t.
The good news is that you can, of course, make these changes. Even without spending any money, there’s a lot you can do. Behavior change is hard. Character change is really hard. Emotional change is even harder than that. But reorganizing your house? Not hard. Just takes time. Put on a good podcast and it can even be fun. If your brain is telling you otherwise, remind it that it’s just one step. You’re not doing it all in a day. You’re cleaning one shelf, one corner, one area first, and you have a designated box (or two or three) for all the stuff that gets displaced. That box isn’t your job right now. That box is for another day. Today, it’s just this shelf, this corner. And when you’re done, your life will be that much simpler for a good amount of time to come.
There are things in life that are genuinely hard, genuinely suck. Organizing isn’t one of them. It’s easy.
***
A brief word on other kinds of clutter
Some people have a difficult time getting rid of their favorite things. Other people enjoy doing so, but lack the time. If you’re the former type, I suggest that you do what you can and pray for grace for the rest. Many experts suggest that the good feelings you get from letting go of the first few things you let go of (the feelings of freedom and self-care) often help inspire you to continue.
For the latter group, a different solution might be needed. Remember, clutter isn’t only in your house; it can be in your life, too. Is there anything you can nix? Anything you can cut back on? Is it possible that at times, you’re afraid of not being busy enough—of being bored? If so, you’re in good company: I detest boredom. But I’ve learned to busy myself in more flexible ways. Instead of taking on a volunteer project or convincing myself I need to work a bit more, earn a bit more money, I come up with time-consuming hobbies that feed me. There’s always something to do, but there’s rarely a deadline. This is how I declutter my busy life.
Another kind of clutter: mind clutter. This one will kill you. If you’re experiencing guilt, regret, anxiety, depression or frequent negativity, please seek help as soon as you can. You don’t deserve that. No one does. It’s garbage.
***
What, then, is the Naked House?
Okay, then. Let’s get to it. The Naked House is, in five words, ordered from most important to least:
1. Bare;
2. Organized;
3. Matching;
4. Clean; and
5. Quality.
And really, that’s it—the Naked House philosophy in a nutshell. Our homes may have souls, or they may not, but either way the mood they convey affects us. And a house that has all or most of these five traits is the one that I believe helps us find the inner calm that we seek.
In this book we will tour the Naked House room by room, noticing how these concepts are applied. First, though, an overview of each of these five principles in turn.
***
The Naked House is bare; or,The solution is almost always fewer things
When it comes to making your home a more peaceful place, the solution is almost always fewer things. That’s not the only place in this book I’m going to make that statement, and there’s a good reason for that: the first and most important principle of the Naked House is that it’s bare. (That’s why it’s called “naked,” after all.) And so, the question becomes: what exactly do I mean by this term?
Well, what is the image you have in your mind when I use the word “bare”? Is it a room that is completely empty, as if no one lives there at all? Or is there a couch and a few chairs, maybe even a vase with some flowers? For the purposes of this book, the terms “bare” and “naked” aren’t so much about wearing no clothes as they are about wearing nothing that distracts from your beauty.
It is the complete absence of clutter.
****
With over 150 Amazon reviews, The Naked House is my best-selling book. Get your copyat Amazon or at your online retailer of choice.
After Rachel and Matthew had their first child, they had a couple of fights. Well, okay, more than a couple—they fought for over three years. They fought about schedules. They fought about bad habits.
They even fought about the lawn mower.
And besides actually having their child, it was the best thing that could’ve happened.
Chronicling their greatest hits, from the Great Birth Control Debate to the Divorce Joke Showdown, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is a post-partem story with hope. It offers true stories from the field, nitty-gritty advice and, most importantly, a nuanced understanding of what it takes to be married with children.
Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
This is chapter one of my book, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby: A Self-help Story. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
*
Everyone told me it was normal to be nervous. More than nervous—freaked out. Insecure. You’re going to let us take her home now? By ourselves? they remembered thinking before leaving the hospital. Are you sure that’s such a good idea?
And actually, it was pretty weird. The nurses taught me how to latch the baby, how to change a diaper, how to adjust the straps on the car seat. They helped Matt and I get the swaddle neat and tight. But they didn’t say a word about, well, parenting. Crib or bed? Feeding schedule or no? Go back to work or stay at home? All of the hard decisions were saved for another day, not this day, the day Poppy was born.
I labored at the hospital, Matthew there and gone again, making trips between the delivery room, various eating establishments and home. While he distracted himself with errands, I distracted myself with an audio book, trying not to wish he was nearby. Thing was, I didn’t want him there. I really didn’t. I didn’t want to have to have a conversation. But if he would have held me–just that, and nothing more–that might have been all right.
It took two hours for the pitocin to kick in, and in late afternoon the real labor came. For this, Matthew did hold me, both my head and my hand, offering his body as leverage. When the midwife told me to curl, Matthew pushed my legs to my head, and laughed at how hard I pushed back. Lots of pushes. Lots. So many. So many. Then the head was visible, and the midwife asked if I wanted a mirror.
“Yes!” I said.
“No,” said Matt at the same time. Then: “You do, Hon? Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I said. “Of course I do. Don’t you?”
The midwife positioned it for me, and I saw my baby for the first time.
It didn’t look like a baby.
Three more pushes. Hard pushes. Long ones. Then: relief. The head was out, and with a last push for the body, Matthew and I became parents.
Matthew looked at the baby, then at me. “It’s a girl,” he announced.
“We know that already,” I said, laughing.
“She’s beautiful,” he said.
“But we knew that, too.”
“Of course we did. She is perfect.”
The midwife put Poppy, now crying heavily, on my chest. As I smooshed my breast against her mouth, Matthew put his hand on her soft hair.
“There she is.”
“There she is. She is ours.”
* * *
Late that night. Matthew gone again. He didn’t want to sleep on the pull-out. And as I soon learned, it was just as well. No, not just as well; it was better.
I got to spend the whole night with just her.
No sharing. No small talk. No deciding. No details. No normal life stuff. Just life. Just the room, the dark, except the street lamps below the half-drawn blinds, and a simple light behind the bed dimmed to almost nothing.
So this is motherhood, I thought as I stared at Poppy’s face. This is who I am now. Strange that I’m not scared. Everyone says you’ll be scared. But I feel good. I feel confident. It feels simple.
Here’s this little alive thing, sort of like a plant, except that I am her air and sunlight, her photosynthesis. She needs me completely, and I accept the challenge. That is the way this thing works.
It’s the most straightforward relationship I’ve ever had.
Honestly, that was it. That was my conclusion. I would be the giver, she’d be the taker—and I was fine with that. It was when I expected something, when I needed someone to behave a certain way—that was the situation I worried about.
Which is why lying in bed that night, there was only one thing I was worried about, and it had nothing to do with the baby.
It was Matthew.
What’s he going to be like, now that we have a kid? I wondered. Will he be the same person? For that matter, will I? Will being parents affect the way we treat each other? How we are together?
How will our relationship change?
And as it turned out, I was right to be nervous. Because while that first year with Poppy was one of the best of my life, it was the worst for me and Matt.
* * *
The following day, the hospital. Only that room in the hospital, and the bathroom adjoining it. Nothing more. Matthew came and went, bringing meals, bringing news. We opened a few presents, saw doctors, did paperwork. I slept a bit, too, Poppy next to me on the bed, though the nurse had advised against it. When I had to change my pad, the nurses helped me to the bathroom. They changed all of Poppy’s diapers and held her when she cried. It was the first time in my life I’d been waited on so thoroughly, and I relished it. I didn’t want to leave.
The following morning, Matthew arrived at 9 a.m. to take me home, and I delayed the departure as long as possible. When the time finally came—it was close to noon—I took a long last look at the room.
Maybe it was nostalgia. Sentimentality. Hormones. Or maybe—just maybe—it was more than that. Maybe it was the inkling I’d had the night before about Matthew.
Maybe I was sensing the learning curve ahead.
Yes, that was it. Just hours after giving birth, I had the mom thing figured out. I didn’t know how to do anything—not even change a diaper—but I knew how to be alone with my child. But four years into my marriage, I still didn’t know what Matthew expected of me, what he didn’t expect of me, and, most important, what to expect of myself. When it was just Matthew and I, this oversight didn’t matter. I compensated for not understanding what he really needed by giving him more of what he wanted, which worked fine. But now—now I had a second relationship to consider. My usual coping strategies wouldn’t work.
Even before Matthew and I arrived home the tension between us had begun. Matthew wasn’t himself. He was irritable. Hurried. Though whether due to jealousy, neglect or just impatience, I’ll never know.
He tried to hide his annoyance with humor. “Should’ve had a home birth.”
I responded with a tight smile and forced laugh. “I liked it there,” I said.
“Yeah, I noticed. Thought you were going to sprain an ankle so you could stay.”
“Don’t begrudge me my reward,” I told him, smiling again. “Besides, I thought about it. Wouldn’t’ve worked.”
The things I didn’t say: “Why do I have to bring up the pain of childbirth this soon?” “Why aren’t you happier?” “Why aren’t we celebrating?” I wanted the day we left the hospital to be special, an occasion. Instead, I just felt sad to go home.
Maybe it was too much to expect him to know how I felt, how I wanted him to support me on that day. But a small gesture made in that tender time would’ve gone a long way towards lessening my fears. He could’ve held my hand. He could’ve told me how proud he was of me. He could’ve just asked me what I needed. It would’ve taken so little, almost nothing—but instead, he chose jokes and I chose smiles.
The first two weeks after the baby was born, I cried nearly every night before sleep. A few times, Matthew heard me; he came to the bedroom and asked what was wrong. Each time I told him the same thing.
“It’s just hormones, Hon. I’ll be okay.”
I was working too hard. That was part of the problem. I always had and didn’t want to stop. Baby in the chest carrier, I cooked, cleaned and, my favorite, organized. There’s never an end of things to organize.
Part of me realized the emotions were normal, and that I wasn’t taking good enough care of myself. Another part of me, though, blamed Matthew.
He wasn’t helping enough. That’s the truth, unvarnished. He didn’t seem to know how to, really. While my life had changed completely—no more day job, constant sleep interruptions—he was quickly back to his usual routine. Work. Eat. Play. Sleep. Weekends: basketball, projects. Which is why, during those first few weeks with Poppy, I felt all the good stuff you’re supposed to feel— gratitude and love—I felt a lot of bad stuff, too. I was scared. I was angry. But mostly, I was sad. Sad that things weren’t right with me and Matt.
*
Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
For a day, a week, even a month at a time, she had the feeling continuously. She had it while she read, while she drove, while she ate, and while she played with her child. Which is why each time the feeling left, it was a great disappointment.
It was the feeling of connection with the Divine, and one spiritual seeker wanted to hold on to it forever. But how?
What was the key to continuous meditation?
In this year-long journal, one woman shares her attempt to do a sitting meditation each day, then remain in the state of meditation as much as possible after that.
Featuring interviews on meditation from long-time practitioners, The Power of Acceptance isn’t a meditation prescription, but rather a personal story of one woman’s spiritual struggles … and breakthroughs.
No married couple gets everything right. Here, a few pieces of marital wisdom that didn’t make it into my book, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby: A Self-help Story.
1. Figure out the money
thing. Different plans work for different people. The key is
to do just that: plan.
2. Figure out which kind
of fight you’re having. Is the fight about what it seems
to be about–money, in-laws, whatever–or is it about feelings and
egos getting wounded? If it’s the latter, deal with the feelings
first. Then circle back to the mother-in-law’s casserole
catastrophe.
3. Make it into a joke.
I hinted at this one several times, but seriously–no, not
seriously–this is funny stuff. Marriage is funny. Kids are
hilarious. If you can laugh even while fighting, resentment and
tension lessen considerably. (The kids will appreciate it, too.)
4. Keep the chores
separate. Yours are yours and theirs are theirs. This
minimizes chore fights and nagging considerably.
5. Figure out
what you can control and what you can’t. Marriage is the
Serenity Prayer all over the place.
6. Use “I”
statements. You’ve heard this before, but it bears
repeating: No matter how unnatural or uncomfortable it feels, make
the negative comments about you. After all, it is about you.
Otherwise you wouldn’t be dealing with it.
7. Don’t punish your
partner. They won’t learn a darn thing through it except
to escalate and solidify their bitterness and anger. No one wants to
feel like the bad guy. Whenever possible, make them into the good guy
and yourself into the good but struggling guy. They’ll become the
person you show them in your mirror.
8. Don’t yell.
Ever. What is the point?
9. Most important, notice the small resentments and don’t let them grow any bigger. Seeing a few of my married-couple friends repeatedly pass entire evenings together barely looking into each other’s eyes caused me to suspect the discomfort in their relationships. I realized that I never wanted my marriage to get to a place where we could no longer really look at each other.
That’s the Naked House philosophy in a nutshell, though the importance of top-notch organization (a place for everything and everything in its place), design unity, cleanliness and quality round out this book’s description of the most desirable, peaceful home in which to live.
With a tongue-in-cheek, personal style, and featuring interviews with minimalist rock stars, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home is an inspiring but not-too-serious primer on cleaning, organizing and reducing clutter—and on changing the way you view the purpose and soul of your home.
With over 150 Amazon reviews, The Naked House is my best-selling book. Get your copyat Amazon or at your online retailer of choice.
Mollie:
Tell me about your experience with minimalism.
Bernadette Joy: I’ve been in the process of decluttering and reorganizing my home as part of my journey to become debt-free. My husband and I paid off $300,000 of debt, including debt from student loans and two mortgages, in three years. Adopting a minimalist mindset was a big part of our change.
At first, I decided to
declutter just to find things to sell in order to help pay off our
debt. I sold a lot of unneeded housewares, clothing, furniture, etc.
At the first garage sale we made over $400 in four hours and that
encouraged me to want to get rid of more stuff because we weren’t
using any of it and it felt like free money!
Mollie: Tell me more about
your debt repayment experience. How did you manage this feat? What
did you give up?
Bernadette Joy: We started in
January 2016 with about $70,000 in student loans and the rest in
mortgages. It started because I felt overwhelmed with how much debt
we accumulated in less than a two years because essentially, I cared
more about what other people thought about us than about our own
well-being. People will like me more if they think I’m smart and have
a nice house, right? I started learning everything I could about
money and debt through podcasts and YouTube. My husband and I started
implementing everything I learned like budgeting and making extra
money through side hustles. The biggest things we had to give up were
time (we worked a lot during that time period), investing for the
first 7 months (we stopped while we paid off the student loans and
then resumed at 15% of our total income, more than what we were
investing before) and large expenses like travel. All of this was
temporary and since we’ve become debt free we’ve resumed all the
conveniences and fun including going to see my favorite K-Pop band
live in concert, buying a car in cash and going to Italy!
Mollie: What are your most
prized beliefs regarding the minimalist lifestyle—the ideas you
most wantto spread?
Bernadette Joy: Minimalism is
not just about stuff. It’s about minimizing anything that causes you
stress, including stress at work, stress in relationships and stress
in your mind. I’ve worked on automating or outsourcing a lot of
things that used to cause me stress (for example, I now have a
regular cleaning service that helps me keep tidy instead of agonizing
over not doing it myself). I also believe that you don’t have to
adopt a poor or no-fun lifestyle that I think people confuse with
minimalism. I minimize material things like clothing and unnecessary
house stuff to make room and finances available for things like going
to concerts and on vacations.
Mollie: Can you share a few specific tips for
organizing and simplifying?
Bernadette Joy: Find things you aren’t using and
sell them! Garage sales worked great for me in the area I’m in, but I
also sold a lot of housewares on Facebook. It’s a great way to
encourage you if you’re like me and feel guilty about what you spent;
at least you make some money back and use the money towards something
you really want.
Work on one room at a time only. Don’t move onto
the next room until you complete the previous. Start where you spend
the most of your time because you will get the most benefit out of
it. I started in my kitchen and in my bedroom. I immediately felt
relief getting rid of so many kitchen items that were just cluttering
up our space.
I’m a big fan of the minimalist
challenge: get rid of one thing on the
first day, two things on the second day,
etc. for a month. I have
committed to it at least once a year, sometimes multiple
times a year. I like crossing things off my list and challenges in
general and it really got me motivated to
keep it up for a month!
Donate where you can instead of
throwing stuff out. If I can’t find local
charities, I just post things for free on Facebook or Craigslist.
Everything I’ve put out, someone has picked up, so at least I know
(or hope) they are being reused!
Mollie: Any final thoughts
on minimalism?
Bernadette Joy: For me, a minimalist mindset has not deprived me of anything I wanted. In fact, it’s created more room for things I absolutely love in life and focused more on experiences than accumulating stuff. It’s also always a work-in-progress. One might come to my house and not think it’s minimalist because we own more than a few dishes or towels. But I can confidently say everything I own right now is on purpose and has a purpose, and that is peace of mind that I’m so grateful for.
Mollie:
What was the most cluttered home you worked in like? How did the
process of organizing affect your client?
Ben: We have seen everything
from estates to apartments, but the only clutter difference is the
volume. In some cases, no room is being used for its intended
purpose:
the cars can’t go in the
garage, the home office isn’t being used for work, the dining room
isn’t hosting anyone. When you add to that situation not being able
to find what you are looking for and having to do multiple purchases,
this puts a lot of stress on relationships between family members.
The children feel they can’t have friends over and the adults don’t
entertain. This creates a feeling of being trapped.
Organizing takes time. Busy
people usually just start putting everything in the attic or
basement. After that they hide everything in bins and drawers, but
eventually those areas fill up, too. This isn’t organization. Being
organized is different from being neat or tidy.
Mollie: What circumstances
led to your passion for simple living?
Ben: Growing up as a
child of a difficult divorce, having control
became pretty important to me. People have
anxiety when they are not in control and in life there is a lot we
cannot control; however, we can control our physical space. My belief
is that nothing good comes out of chaos
and being a minimalist and having organized
systems allows me to be more productive. I see this with my own
children: when their room is a mess they simply don’t play in it, but
when the floor is clear they actually
build things, use their toys and imagination.
Also, as a child I always liked
jigsaw puzzles. There’s something about putting
a giant mess together into something complete that calms
the mind.
When I was young the desire for
stuff seemed pretty cool but getting married and having children
focuses you on experiences. A kid is excited by the new toy but she
is also just as excited by the box it came in, and after a few hours
it just goes on the pile with the other unused toys. The older you
get you realize that happiness comes from within, that buying
stuff doesn’t solve your problems or actually make you happy. Having
experiences with friends and family leads to great memories and at
the end of the day, all we have are our memories.
Mollie: What are the common
mistakes your clients make when it comes to managing their home
environment?
Ben: For a lot of people, the
act of shopping or the thrill of getting a bargain is the real juice
and getting the thing is more important than the actual thing. Also,
in our clients’ homes we see items unused
and crammed into closets and after reviewing we discover they are
gifts the receiver didn’t want, doesn’t
like and doesn’t know what to do with.
Most people give gifts to make
themselves, not the person getting it, feel better. If someone took
the time to give something wanted it would be experiences or
consumables; a night of free babysitting
is worth more than two hundreditems
from the Christmas Tree Shops or the Dollar Store.
Mollie: Any additionaltips for simplifying thehome?
Ben: If you’re a parent,
you are the gatekeeper. When your kids are
a certain age, they may get up to thirty or forty gifts
for their birthdays and holidays. You know how your children play and
what they like and steering people to give
swimming lessons or tickets to the movies will save everyone in the
end.
Another suggestions to cutting
down on accumulating because of retail therapy is to pay cash for it.
If you really want it, take the time to get cash out. You can also
print the page out from Ebay or Amazon and wait a week. If you really
still want it, then get it. My economics professor used to
say, “More is preferred to less,” but the stress of clutter hurts
relationships and your free time and
creates anxiety.
Mollie: One final thought?
Ben: Good things aren’t cheap and cheap things aren’t good. Well-made items that you can depend on are more important than quantity.
Kelly Rupiper is Content Director at Upparent, a recommendation-sharing website for parents. She is also the mother of two elementary school-aged kids. See Upparent.com.Here is the interview we did for my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly reorganized and decluttered your home?
What led to the decision and what did you change?
Kelly:
Parenthood brings with it a lot of stuff. When my kids were a newborn
and a toddler, we moved from a small condo into a larger home and it
felt like the floodgates for accumulating toys, clothes, and gear
were opened. It was easy to add more and more stuff now that we had
the room, and though I don’t think we had gone overboard by common
standards, eventually I started feeling like we
were spending too much time putting away toys, sorting through piles
of clothes, and generally cleaning up. The
effort that we were putting into taking care of all of these things
was more than the happiness we were getting out of having them. This
was around the time that people started talking more about a
minimalist lifestyle, and the idea of letting go of the clutter
seemed freeing to me. I spent the better part of a year combing
through our home and putting together donations, selling items on
Facebook, and handing things down to family members. A few years
later we embarked on a cross-country move, and this was a great
opportunity to think critically about what really needed to come with
us and pare down some more.
Mollie:
What are your most prized beliefs regarding minimalist lifestyle—the
ideas you most want to spread?
Kelly:
A minimalist lifestyle isn’t just
about owning as little as possible or going without. It’s about
limiting yourself to the things that are important, special, and
useful to you, and getting to enjoy these things every day because
you’re not weighed down by needing to weed through and maintain all
of the fluff.
It’s
also not just about physical belongings.
Think about taking a more minimal approach to the way you schedule
your family’s time and attention, too.
Take a hard look at all of the after-school activities and
obligations on your calendar, and think about how it would feel to
spend less time driving around and more time at home as a family.
Mollie:
Tell me more about the benefits of minimizing one’s schedule.
Kelly:
Aside from keeping more money in the bank and enjoying more family
time together, I have found that minimizing the number of activities
that kids have on their plates helps to keep them from getting burned
out. My kids tend to get overwhelmed when the schedule gets to the
point where we’re running from one activity to the next, and
lessening their load means they can actually look forward to the
things they’ve signed up for.
Mollie:
Why do you think people have a hard time being at home with no
planned activity?
Kelly:
There’s an instinct to feel like we have to entertain our kids, and
the choruses of “I’m bored!” don’t help. But when kids
aren’t overwhelmed by a playroom stuffed with endless choices and
instead have a small collection of toys that inspire open-ended play,
it’s pretty amazing to see how well they can entertain themselves and
each other without parental intervention.
Mollie:
How can people learn to embrace unplanned family time?
Kelly:
Simple, low-key family traditions
can be a great way to give some structure to your family time without
introducing outside obligations.
My family does a weekly Friday night family movie night and we rotate
the person who gets to pick what we watch. The kids look forward to
it all week. We are also reading the Harry Potter series together,
and we sit down to read a chapter most evenings after the kids are
showered and ready for bed. Introducing fun (and often free!)
activities like these gives the family something easy to do together
that they look forward to and creates memories that you’ll be able to
enjoy for years.
Mollie:
Can you share a few specific tips for simplifying a home?
Kelly:
Do what you can to keep excess
things from coming into your house in the first place. Getting your
family on board with this will make it much easier. It’s hard to deny
well-meaning relatives who love to buy gifts for your kids, so give
them ideas that mesh well with minimalism: a museum membership, a
kids cooking class, or one larger-ticket holiday gift (like a
basketball hoop or a streaming service membership) for the whole
family to enjoy together. My kids will often choose a special family
experience like an amusement park trip or theater tickets instead of
a large birthday party with friends and gifts.
Mollie:
Any final thoughts?
Kelly: Minimalism isn’t just about clearing out your house. It’s about changing your mindset, so you’re better-equipped to maintain your new way of life moving forward. Once you discover and embrace how freeing it is to be living without the clutter in your house and on your calendar, it’s easier to be able to say “no” to the pressure we all feel to take on more.
Tara Skubella teaches tantra and conducts tantra ceremonies. See nakedearthtantra.com.
Mollie:
Tell
me about your minimalist lifestyle.
Tara: My partner and I are minimalists who live in
a tiny home (a converted fifth-wheel)
nearly off-grid on the side of a mountain. We’ve been here for
three
years and love it. We’ve condensed so much of our lives to make
this our truth. Not only are we tiny house minimalists, but we don’t
have running potable water and heat with wood.
Mollie: What was your decluttering and
simplifying process like?
Tara: My first decluttering process
happened while I was living in a 1400 square
foot house. I donated, gifted or threw away 365 things in my home
that I no longer needed. These items ranged from old cleaning
products and makeup to pairs of earrings to clothing to a piece of
furniture to kitchen supplies and books. It’s amazing how fast you
can rid of items no longer used.
This became a ritual I continue to do about every
other year, even while living in a tiny home. Most of the items I
release these days are small things like pens or pencils, makeup,
notebooks, accessories, old food and clothing items. It feels good to
have a fresh start every now and then.
Releasing
365 things clears the mind and gives us one less object to worry or
think about each day for
a year.
Mollie: What are your most prized beliefs
regarding minimalist lifestyle? What ideas you want to spread?
Tara: Living a minimalist, off-grid, tiny-home
life is extremely important to me. I enjoy being immersed in
Mother
Nature. I depend on snow for water to do my dishes and to boil water
for tea. I depend on dead standing wood to heat our tiny home during
the harsh 9,000-foot winter
months. Living with Mother
Earth
instead of carving space into her creates a wealth of gratitude each
day. Even living the primitive way I do is still very abundant, as
I’ve experienced harsh survival situations in the past. Coming home
to a cozy, safe space warms my heart.
I also believe living with less helps me with my
ADHD. Since my mind is cluttered most of the time, living in a space
with less to clean and to worry about simplifies my life even more.
Living with less is also a mindful life choice and practice.
Consciously choosing what we can live without opens the spirit to
reconnect with intuitive choices about what we truly need in order to
survive. Otherwise,
instead of being more mindful of tasks we look
for an easy way out. Thinking this way sometimes isn’t a big deal;
however, the more we develop an attachment to objects for meeting our
needs, the more we look for answers outside instead of within.
Mollie: Can you share a few very specific tips
for cleaning, organizing and simplifying a home?
Tara:
Yes. First, if you haven’t used something in a
little over a year, you really don’t need it so get rid of it.
Second, if you bring a non-perishable item into the house, release something else as an exchange. For example, if you buy a new pair of socks, donate or gift a pair that has never really fit right. If you receive a fancy new air-vacuumed mug for your birthday, donate the plastic one that doesn’t keep coffee warm as long as your new one.
Also, remember that linens and towels can add up quickly. We only need one to two sets of sheets per bed and one to two bath towels per person. Depending on the family size, three or four kitchen towels is plenty. People often accumulate too many linens because we don’t like to do the laundry. This accumulation also happens with clothing. The more we are able to be mindful with laundry, the less we actually need on hand.
My final tip is to rent a storage unit. Seriously. If you are uncertain about releasing a number of items, rent a storage unit and place those items in it, then see how often you return to use them. For the items you truly need, you’ll be willing to drive to the unit, use it and drive it back. If items stay unused for several months or they aren’t worth the rental fee, then you’ll learn that those unused items aren’t worth the money and effort to keep around.
Haley Gallerani runs The Vegan Abroad, a
website about traveling sustainably and as a vegan. Visit it at
theveganabroadblog.com.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly minimized your possessions? What led to
the decision and what did you change?
Haley:
I would say that I officially became a minimalist in 2018 when I
moved to Chiang Mai, Thailand. I brought two suitcases with me and
two suitcases back. I knew that I wouldn’t be living in Thailand
forever so I didn’t want to purchase too many things while I was
there. I did have to purchase a few things for my apartment, but it
came furnished so my purchases were minimal.
The
biggest way that I minimized my possessions was with my clothing. I
used to own so many clothing pieces that I hardly ever wore. I now
rotate among
around ten different outfits. My biggest tip for simplifying your
wardrobe is to only purchase neutral
colors. This will allow you to mix and
match more than if you own clothing with different colors and
patterns.
Mollie:
What is your life like now? How often do you travel and for how long?
Do you still take only two suitcases?
Haley:
I have been in the United States for the past few months, but I will
be moving to Europe in January 2020. I am a big believer in slow
travel. That means that I spend a long time in one location before
moving onto the next. Europe is a bit more complicated than Thailand
because of visa issues. I will start in Italy where I will stay for
three months: one month in Rome, one month in Florence, and one month
in Sicily. Then I will be going to Croatia for three months before
finally settling in the Czech Republic where I will get a visa.
I am planning on only bringing one suitcase and a
backpack with me to Europe because I will be moving around so much. I
know that this is going to be even more challenging since Europe has
four different seasons that I need to pack clothes for whereas it was
almost always summer temperatures in Thailand. I am excited about the
challenge, though, and I think that I will grow even more minimalist.
Mollie:
What are your most prized beliefs regarding minimalist lifestyle—the
ideas you most want to spread?
Haley:
My most prized belief regarding a minimalist lifestyle is that there
isn’t a one-size-fits-all for minimalism. I think that you have to
find what brings you joy in life and focus on that. Clothing doesn’t
bring me joy, so that is a very easy area for me to be a minimalist
in. I do love cooking, though, so someone could look at my kitchen
and think that I am not a minimalist, but then look at my closet and
think that I am. Ultimately, I think that minimalism is about
focusing on the things that matter to you, and spending less time
(and money) on the things that don’t. When you find the things that
don’t bring you joy, get rid of them.
Also,
try to find ways to simplify the things that do bring you joy. For
example, I am an avid reader. I only purchased physical books prior
to moving to Thailand. I decided to purchase a Kindle before moving
to Thailand so I could easily purchase books in English while I was
abroad. It ended up being one of the best purchases that I have ever
made because I no longer have the clutter of books anymore, and I can
fit hundreds of books on a very small device.
Mollie:
Any final thoughts?
Haley: Becoming a minimalist can be scary at first as you are getting rid of a bunch of your possessions. The thought of “What if I need this in the future?” may show up. My advice would be to keep the item that you are questioning for six months to a year depending on what the item is. If you haven’t used it in that time then you should probably get rid of it.
Pablo and Beverly Solomon have been minimalist designers for over forty years. Their work has been featured in over forty books as well as numerous magazines and newspapers; on TV and film; and on the radio. You can see examples of their fashion and home designs at PabloSolomon.com and BeverlySolomon.com.
Mollie:
What is the essence of your minimalist design philosophy?
Pablo:
You have so often heard it said that the core of minimalism is the
concept of “less is more”. We would modify that a bit and
say that putting quality over quantity is also minimalism.
Minimalism is also the recognition that simplifying your life and
achieving a harmonious balance between things and experiences,
between your comfort and respecting nature, between activity and
rest, etc. are also goals. Minimalism strives to be a physical
representation of a serene, uncluttered mind that lives in harmony
with nature.
Mollie:
That’s an interesting idea. What does minimalism have in common
with living in harmony with nature?
Pablo:
Beverly is part Native American.
One of her core beliefs that we try to follow is that we are just
passing through this life and should leave the smallest negative
marks behind—that we respect nature by using only what we need and
protecting the rest. Minimalism design not only tries to blend the
architecture into the setting, but to do the least amount of damage
in the process. The concept of your home blending into the setting is
representative of your being part of nature, not at odds with nature.
Mollie:
Can you share a few specific tips for living a successful minimalist
lifestyle?
Pablo:
It really begins with choosing to live in harmony with nature and to
create a setting for yourself that puts you at peace. Keep the things
that you cherish, that bring you happy memories, that make your life
more pleasant. Eliminate those elements that just fill space for the
sake of filling space. Learn to embrace the concept that voids can
give meaning and emphasis to chosen elements. And it is okay to
be as minimal or non-minimal as makes you comfortable.
Mollie:
How do voids help give meaning? Can you give me an example of how you
would use a void in an interior or exterior home design?
Pablo:
The most
simple example would be a wall. Having one valued painting is
emphasized by the blank space around it. Were the wall to have as
many paintings as you can cram on that wall, no one painting would
have much impact.
Mollie:
Any other thoughts?
Pablo: Like so many truths in life, the journey is often more important than the destination. Just considering the mindset of minimalism and taking the first steps in simplifying your life and calming your mind are worth it. Just let go of one thing today. Tomorrow is another day.
Amanda
Clark is the owner or Ever So Organized®️, a full-service home
organizing company based out of Orange County, California. They
specialize in decluttering and creating beautiful, functional and
organized systems for homeowners. See eversoorganized.com
for more information.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly reorganized and decluttered your home?
What led to the decision and what did you change?
Amanda:
A few years ago I moved into a new home, more than doubling the
square footage of the previous home. I did not declutter before the
move because I was pregnant with my third baby and fairly immobile. A
month into the move my third baby was born and I decluttered my
entire house during my maternity leave. I no longer wanted to
organize and re-organized the amount of stuff I knew I didn’t even
need. I wanted to enjoy the expanded space without adding more stuff
in it.
Mollie:
So now you actually have a large home that is spacious, too? What is
that like?
Amanda:
With more space in my home comes more space in my head; a weight has
been lifted. I’m extremely proud of my house and it has been
featured in a local publication. That never would’ve happened if it
was filled with stuff.
Mollie:
Can you share your process for decluttering?
Amanda:
Look at one area at a time. For example, a pantry,
closet, or even a drawer.
Step
one: Remove everything from the space. That means everything!
Step
two: Wipe down and clean the surfaces while they are empty.
Step
three: Sort like items together. You may be surprised at how many
black socks, tubes of toothpaste (you can never find) or cans of
beans you own.
Step
four: Declutter. Be ruthless. Do you love it? Does it improve your
life? Can you purchase it in twenty minutes for under $20 if you need
it later?
Step
five: You are now allowed to shop for those pretty containers only
after you know what you have left. Can risers, plastic dividers for
drawers and matching slim velvet hangers really can make a big
difference organizing your space. Go wild on Pinterest for ideas or
check out my Instagram @eversoorganized.
Step
six: Use containers to separate items and label everything.
And
finally: Respect
the space as a defined perimeter for how much you can keep. Don’t
cram more stuff in the space later on. Use the one-in, one-out rule
to keep it under control.
Mollie:
Any more tips?
Amanda:
Yes!
Turn all of your hangers backward in your closet.
As you wear something replace the hanger with the cleaned item as
you normally would. At the end of the season you can clearly see
which clothes you have worn and which you haven’t. Consider
decluttering those never-worn items.
Have a pretty bin, basket or container in a handy
area. Put your mail, to-do items and even broken items you’ve been
meaning to fix inside the container. Set aside time every single
week to work on those actionable items. If you are consistent, very
few things will fall through the cracks.
File fold your clothes in your drawers.
This will change your life.
Mollie:
What is file folding?
Amanda:
File folding is a simple way of folding your clothes in a square or
rectangle shape and then placing them in the drawer on their
sides instead of flat. It
looks similar to folders in a file cabinet. No more forgetting about
what’s on the bottom of your pile: now there is no bottom.
Mollie:
Any final thoughts?
Amanda: Less stuff truly means more time, more money and more freedom: less time maintaining the stuff, more money in the bank account because you are buying less and more freedom from consumerism.
Kelly
Kandra Hughes has been a professional housesitter since 2016. She is
also a minimalism coach. Visit
her website
at KellyKandraHughes.com.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly changed your life to become more
minimalist? What led to the decision and what did you change?
Kelly:
Yes. I got rid of approximately 95 percent of my belongings by
donating, giving away, selling, recycling, or trashing them.
Essentially, I wasn’t happy in my current life and I wanted to make
radical changes. I followed a career trajectory of which some people
only dream: college, a PhD program (for which I had a full-ride
scholarship), tenure track position, and tenure. Yet it wasn’t the
life I really wanted to live. I had all sorts of health issues
related to stress and sleep. My weight dropped to 97 pounds. I
developed severe adult acne. I used
to hope
that I would get in a nonfatal car crash, just so I could take a
break from my life for a while.
It
wasn’t until I was granted a paid sabbatical for the 2014-2015
academic year that I finally got time to myself. I didn’t miss my
job for one second of one minute of one day. That was a wake-up call
to me that I needed to make some changes.
While
on sabbatical, and after I realized I needed to quit my job, I woke
up in the middle of the night and thought, housesitting.
I had already been pet-sitting and housesitting for friends while I
was on a sabbatical. I wrote down my idea and went back to bed.
The
next morning a Google search informed me that, yes, pet-sitting and
housesitting is a viable way to live these days. That became my plan:
to no longer have a place of my own, but to live in other people’s
houses. I didn’t want the burden of storing of my belongings, so I
made the choice to get rid of them. My husband and I have been on a
long-term housesit in the northwest
corner of Connecticut
since September 2016. At the time we began, everything we owned fit
into our car.
Mollie:
What are your most prized beliefs regarding minimalist lifestyle—the
ideas you want most to spread?
Kelly:
The idea I most want to spread is that minimalism is not just about
tidying up and reducing clutter. It’s
about personal growth, and
most importantly, the understanding that there is no one way to best
accomplish this growth. Being a minimalist means you have a good
understanding of who you
are and how you want to live your
own
best life … and then acting
accordingly. This understanding can be accomplished through
self-reflection (e.g., journaling, creating vision boards, praying,
meditating, etc.) or with the help of professionals (e.g.,
therapists, life coaches, pastors, career counselors, etc.).
I
also want people to know that the
first thing I recommend people get rid of is mental clutter.
By knowing who you are and how you want to live your best life, you
can say no to things that don’t serve you. Of course, it’s not easy
and it takes a certain amount of courage to start saying no. But this
freedom then brings benefits in other areas of your life, including
increased time, energy, and financial resources to pursue the things
that are most important to you.
Start
by identifying your core life values. These are the five
to seven
values that are fundamental to who you are as person. Ask yourself
questions such as, “When have I experienced the most joy in my
life? When did I experience my lowest points? What happens on the
days when I can’t wait to get out of bed? What happens on the days
where I dread getting out of bed? Who inspires me? If I could have
any job in the world, what would it be and why? What did I dream of
being when
I was
a child? If I could live a perfect day every day, what would that day
look like? What are some times in my life I thought I was doing the
right thing, but it turned out to be wrong for me?” Look for common
themes and patterns, then name those ideas using a single word, such
as achievement,
service, fairness, creativity,
or spirituality.
The
second thing I recommend is to identify specific interests in your
life related to those values. Values and interests go hand-in-hand.
For example, you may value creativity, but you may have no interest
in Renaissance art.
If that’s the case, next time you visit an art museum, give yourself
the freedom to skip over entire floors and head to the impressionists
who you find whimsical and inspiring. The good news is, you’ve
probably already uncovered most of your interests if you’ve spent
time reflecting on your core life values. Review your answers to the
above questions and notice what specific activities and events are
associated with your more joyful times. Keep those in mind for making
your day-to-day and long-term decisions on how you’re going to spend
your time, effort, and money.
Mollie:
I love everything you said so much. Any
final thoughts, Kelly?
Kelly:
Here’s something
that I don’t think gets mentioned too often: it’s
important to stay open-minded and empathetic to others while living a
minimalist life. I’ve found that people who experience the kind of
personal growth that comes with minimalism are so excited about their
journeys, they think their way is not only the best way, but the only
way. We may end up self-righteous and judgmental of others who are
still struggling on their own paths. I know I certainly did!
We need to remember where we started from and extend empathy to others who may not be there yet. When you live a life of joy and one that lines up with your core life values and interests, people become interested in what you’re doing. When they ask, be happy to give advice on what worked best for you. Otherwise, it’s not our place to judge. Stay focused on your own life and lead by example. I know it’s cliché, but Gandhi was on to something when he said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Kurt
Niziak is a software trainer and data analyst from Massachusetts.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly reorganized and decluttered your home?
What led to the decision and what did you change?
Kurt: Yes, but not consciously. Instead, it
somehow chose me!
Over a decade ago, my career and financial
situation was vastly different. In fact, my own “personal paper
route” (as I call it) was surprisingly easy. Financially, I was
preparing myself for a life of moderate wealth. The bottom fell out,
however, and I was forced to abide by a lifestyle which would be the
antitheses of what I once thought I had.
In July of 2018, I had a major fire in my once
well-furnished condo. I had stepped out of my home for a mere
thirty-five minutes only to return and witness that almost
all of what I had acquired over the years had vanished. I say the
word almost because, my most important possession (my dog) was
miraculously spared. (Thank God).
After the complete shock of losing almost
everything had slowly worn off, I was surprised to feel an incredible
sense of gratitude. I realized that as terrible as things were, at
least my dog was okay. This horrific event proved to be the genesis
of a priceless awakening. I began to understand that I really didn’t
need many possessions in order to keep on living on a day-to-day
basis. Material things somehow revealed themselves in their most
generic form, serving as nothing more than distractions.
Mollie: What is your lifestyle like now?
Kurt: I suppose that I am a bit more grounded. I
am cognizant about how we are all such insatiable consumers. I try
instead to take better care of the things that I do have, rather than
fantasizing about what I don’t have. Furthermore, before purchasing
or storing anything, I think about whether I really need it.
We all are conditioned to believe that our lives
can only improve via addition—as if we were painting a picture,
adding more and more layers. Unfortunately, this approach seldom gets
us the results we are looking for. Perhaps it’s a sculpture that we
should be creating instead, our goal only arrived at via subtraction.
We discard the pieces that are not necessary.
Mollie: Can you share a few specific tips for
cleaning, organizing and simplifying a home?
Kurt: In his wonderful book 12
Rules of Life: An Antidote to Chaos, Jordan Peterson is
quick to point out an approach towards minimalism which (at first
look) appears rather benign. However, this simple concept has saved
me, time and time again, from the shackles of a personal two- or
three-day funk. Peterson states that one risks feeling depressed,
anxious and powerless should they fail to keep their bedroom clean,
or surroundings in order. Whenever I motivate myself to use this
simple tactic, it has never failed to
make me feel more balanced—more in control.
Cleaning, organizing, etc. are extremely powerful
minimalist tools. They help combat feelings of chaos. If things are
clean and in order, I have a better chance at having a more positive
experience in the outside world. Physical clutter seems to muddle my
brain and often prevents me from having any semblance of harmony. It
is so simple, yet it seems to always have positive results.
Minimalism (to me) is not merely the act of owning
less. It also leads to appreciating things more. It proves itself,
time and time again, as a
powerful life approach. All I know is that when I fail to encompass
minimalism, I am at risk of feeling like nothing more than the
proverbial hole of a doughnut.
I will say however, that my own personal happiness
has neither significantly decreased nor increased over the years. It
is just less complicated. One doesn’t end up wasting time fooling
themselves into thinking that acquiring more will improve one’s
life.
I do what I need to do in order to survive. I often (jokingly) say that I am just as miserable now, as I’ve always been. A bigger house, better car or more stuff will not enhance my life very much. These things might be nice to have but it becomes a fool’s errand to obsessively pursue. It’s just an example of victory through surrender.