Tag Archives: Self-Improvement

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Nine

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 9: Taking antidepressants

Though the exact mechanisms by which antidepressants work is as yet unknown, and studies are complicated by the placebo effect, evidence of their effectiveness is mounting. Most psychiatric professionals recommend them and see good results, and their patients do, too. It is a basic tenet of the therapeutic process to trust your client, and enough of my clients report significant benefits of antidepressants to convince me of their effectiveness.

The people who feel stuck and unable to make the kinds of changes that lead to an improved mood, as well as the people who have made many positive changes but still see no improvement, are the people that could benefit most from medication. In many cases, the advantages far outweigh the risks and side effects.

There are many reasons clients choose not to take medication for their anxiety and depression, though, and the choice is a highly personal one. In general, I recommend that people base their decision on side effects, effectiveness and other medical considerations, and not on social, moral or idealist considerations. Taking medication for a mental health condition is not inherently wrong or right, healthy or unhealthy. Listen to your body.

If you’ve been prescribed an antidepressant by a primary care physician (PCP) and it doesn’t seem to be working well, find a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner (PNP) instead. While psychiatrists are medical doctors, PNPs are nurses, and many of my clients tell me that PNPs spend more time with them and ask more questions. 

Go to your first appointment prepared with information on your options as well any questions you might have. Tell your story honestly and don’t be afraid to inquire about all possible treatments in case your first line of treatment doesn’t work out. You are allowed to be your own advocate. You are also allowed to say no.

When taking antidepressants, it is important to follow your medical professional’s advice concerning use, including guidelines around length of use, dosage and (if needed) discontinuation. Antidepressants are believed to work less well in successive rounds, so cycling medications is highly discouraged. Also, at least half of the people who try medication need to try more than one before finding one that works for them, so don’t give up after your first attempt, and follow your prescriber’s advice around increasing dosage until an effective level is found.

For general information and discussion on the topic of medication, read the relevant sections in Andrew Solomon’s excellent and thorough book, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. For more specific information, consult your doctor or mental health professional.

If desired, add “consider taking antidepressants” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a medication provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Eight

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 8: Using nature and light therapy

Many people with and without depression report that their moods are affected by the presence or absence of natural light. And when you get that natural light outside, you might also receive the benefits of fresh air, open skies and exercise–no small extras.

Spending time out-of-doors, especially in natural environments, mentally separates us from our usual tasks and routines, helping to clear our heads. Even a short walk or quiet moment free of our four walls can interrupt an anxious or despondent moment by bringing our mental focus away from the emotional centers of our brain (the limbic system) and into the sensory centers instead.

In the book Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression–and the Unexpected Solutions, Johann Hari describes the various ways modern life creates disconnections that can lead to mood disorders. One of the most significant of these, he says, is our disconnection from nature. At least in part, spending more time outdoors might reduce depression by offering perspective: wide open spaces make us feel smaller, which helps our problems feel smaller, too. It’s a mental shift that happens almost without our noticing.

Light therapy can also be accomplished indoors with man-made lights designed for this purpose, including tanning beds at licensed professional tanning salons; however, your results may vary.

If desired, add “spending time in nature” and/or “using light therapy” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Seven

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 7: Eating well

No judgment here, and no specific advice: when it comes to your diet, do what works for you. Consider whether or not your eating habits affect your mood, and if so, what changes might help. Undereating can cause depression, and overeating can, too. Avoid perfectionism and choose goals that are realistic and doable.

Of course, when it comes to food, it’s not just about physical health, but about mental health, too. Do your food-related thoughts, choices and plans help you feel more emotionally stable and healthy, or less? Answering this question can provide helpful information when assessing whether or not you’ve established habits that work for you.

If you suspect that you could benefit from a rigorously scientific perspective on nutrition, try How to Eat: All Your Food and Diet Questions Answered by Mark Bittman and David Katz. Everything by Michael Pollan is also great.

Finally, if you suspect that you might have an eating disorder, take a moment to fill out a confidential screening or start the search for help at nationaleatingdisorders.org. Food is a big part of life, and it’s hard not to be depressed or anxious if this area of functioning isn’t going well.

If desired, add “eating well” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific food-related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Six

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 6: Improving your sleep

A complete sleep might be longer than what you’re used to, but you know when you’ve had it: you feel fully able to get out of bed and start the day’s tasks. Increased energy can increase motivation, which often increases productivity. Productivity, in turn, produces confidence and optimism. In addition, emotional energy–patience, distress tolerance, etc.–can be enhanced through proper rest. In people who are chronically tired, increased sleep might be the most effective mood booster available. It might also increase the effectiveness of other depression treatments.

Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) is the behavioral modification therapy of choice for sleep problems. If you think you might need professional help for this issue, find a mental health counselor trained in this modality. Different people benefit from different CBT-I interventions. Briefly, CBT-I practices include:

  • Adjusting your sleep schedule as closely as possible to your natural circadian rhythms;
  • Going to bed at around the same time every night, and getting up at (as nearly as possible) the same time every morning–even on the weekends;
  • Using various techniques to reduce sleep anxiety;
  • Staying busy during the day and refraining from napping;
  • If needed, reducing your time in bed and/or getting out of bed during wakeful night hours to reset; and
  • Tracking your sleep patterns in a sleep journal.

Substance and caffeine use can significantly impact sleep, reducing the length of your phase three deep sleep and increasing the length of your less restorative REM sleep.

Finally, if you are consistently sleeping poorly even while maintaining good habits, consider setting up a consultation with a sleep specialist. You might be suffering with a sleep disorder like sleep apnea without knowing it.

If desired, add “improving my sleep” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific sleep-related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Five

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 5: Exercising regularly

When I talk with clients about exercise, I always feel a bit redundant. Most of us know that it’s one of the best non-pharmaceutical mood enhancers available. We also know that the long-term benefits–better physical health, better sleep–will likely increase our quality of life overall.

While some people report feeling a “runner’s high” after a good workout, others don’t seem to receive this benefit. If you are in the latter category, you still might notice a milder, yet significant, sense of well-being. In addition, for many people, exercise is associated with a sense of self-efficacy–even empowerment.

As discussed previously, don’t wait to feel motivated to take a long walk outside, or to follow along with a yoga YouTube video in your apartment. That feeling might never come. Unfortunately, the human mind isn’t as logical as we tend to believe: it knows the relevant facts, but it doesn’t vote for them. Instead, it votes for what’s comfortable.

Veto the vote for comfortable. If you’re not quite ready to start your new routine, consider a soft entry. Choose your days and times to exercise and put your exercise shoes or clothes on at those times every week, even if you don’t leave the house. Gradually, add small amounts of exercise (a walk around the block?) to this routine. Habit is what matters most.

From a mental health perspective, being consistent is the most important part of exercise–much more important than time spent, frequency, difficulty and other factors. Anytime you follow through with your exercise goals you have made progress–even on the days or weeks you don’t increase difficulty or see changes in your body. Your body has built or at least maintained its fitness levels that day, and more significantly, your mind has strengthened its relevant neuropathways.

After around twenty-five years of consistent exercise, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine discontinuing the habit. Over time, movement becomes more than a healthy self-care practice–it is part of your identity. You can take breaks, but it soon pulls you back; when you don’t do it, something feels missing.

That’s a good feeling.

If desired, add “exercising regularly” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific exercise goals and add them to your ongoing to-do list.

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Four

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 4: Setting long- and short-term goals

Researchers in the field of positive psychology have made their careers discussing what constitutes the good life. Many of their findings are included in this book, and high on the list: pursuing meaningful goals. Though mindfulness research has shown that living in the present moment is a helpful habit to cultivate, we also benefit emotionally from some amount of future planning. Achieving goals–both daily tasks as well as major milestones–gives us the satisfaction of accomplishment, which can increase a sense of self-worth and self-efficacy.

When considering what you would like to work towards both in the short- and long-term, it might be helpful to follow the SMART framework. Try to identify goals that are specific (clear and well-defined); measurable (how will you know when you’ve reached it?); achievable (can you really do this?); relevant (does it get you closer to a larger goal?); and time-bound (yes, there’s a deadline).

Of course, people with depression often struggle with motivation. There’s a catch-22 at work here: you know you’ll feel better after you get started on the day’s tasks, but you don’t always have the emotional bandwidth to do so. For many people, though, motivation isn’t motivation. Instead, motivation is a reward pathway that follows the initial action. That’s right: motivation is a misnomer. It’s the feeling of satisfaction that comes as a response to completing a task, not the excitement that spurs us to get started. Some people do experience a feeling of motivation before doing their first task of the day, but that might be because their brains have learned over time that task completion satisfaction follows action.

Habit is key here. The more often you complete tasks on your to-do lists, the more your mind will anticipate the pleasure of doing so. Jeff Haden writes about this concept in The Motivation Myth: How High Achievers Really Set Themselves Up to Win, as does Daniel Pink in his popular book Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us.

When thinking through ways to get more done, consider the following strategies:

  • Keep to-do lists and use them daily.
  • Start the day with a relatively easy task–an initial win to get your motivational ignition lighted. Then move on to the more challenging stuff.
  • When feeling unable to start a difficult task, tell yourself you’ll spend just a minute on it (even thirty seconds if that works better for you). Often, you’ll find that getting started is the hardest part and after the minute passes, you’ll want to keep going.
  • Ask a friend to be physically present with you while you catch up on time-consuming needs like laundry, organizing and the like.
  • Create time blocks of a predetermined length during which you focus on work alone: no texting, emailing, scrolling, etc.
  • Get more sleep. (More on this later.)

In What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, author David Di Salvo has some additional advice. Get fast feedback, he says–even if you have to ask a friend to congratulate you on a task well done. When accomplishment and encouragement happen close together in time, your brain is more likely to associate the two. Also, keep in mind that some people are motivated more by achievement and some are motivated more by enjoyment. In one study, achievement-motivated people presented with a word puzzle that was described by researchers as “fun” didn’t do as well as when it was described as “a challenge;” for enjoyment-motivated individuals, the opposite was true. If you’re the fun-motivated type, find the fun in your to-dos. If you’re the achievement-motivated type, find the challenge. This framing might also be relevant if you decide to reward yourself for following through on an important goal. Would an enjoyable activity or indulgence work best? Or would it be more effective to track your progress in a phone app?

Though more focused on organizational change, the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath might be worth a read as well. Research- and evidence-based, it discusses ways to increase your emotional desire to change, how to build new habits by “shrinking the change” and “tweaking the environment,” and more.

Finally, if you suspect you might have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), consider seeing a specialist.

In your treatment plan notebook, on your phone or in another handy location, create a long-term to-do list, a short-term to-do list, and an ongoing to-do list. Add tasks that relate to your treatment plan as well as other work and life tasks that need to be done. Check the lists daily and get in the habit of accomplishing at least a few items every day. Update the lists frequently.

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Three

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 3: Keeping a daily mood log

Rating and recording your mood two or three times daily and tracking it over time is a treatment option that is often overlooked. This might be because–let’s face it–the follow-through can be a bit of a pain. If there weren’t so many good reasons to use this strategy, I wouldn’t waste your time. But there really are so many good reasons. 

The first reason I like mood logs is that they provide additional data when assessing the value of a particular treatment or set of treatments. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what’s working and what isn’t; tracking your results supports this goal significantly. 

The second reason to use a mood log is that doing so allows for much-needed moments of introspection throughout the day. How am I doing? What do I need right now? Is there an emotion here that I need to address? Becoming more aware of your mood states and cycles can help you plan activities accordingly.

Finally, and possibly most important, the mood log provides evidence that, contrary to what you might feel during especially difficult times, depression is not a constant state. Instead, there are times of contentment and even joy mixed in with times of loneliness, sadness or worry. For some people, this knowledge alone is revelatory, as depression’s refrain is that sadness is permanent (unending), pervasive (carrying through every part of life), and personal (part of who you are).

The first rule of the mood log is: be as consistent as you can be. The second rule is: be as honest as you can be. It’s important that you trust the accuracy of your entries; otherwise, you won’t be motivated to apply the data to your treatment plan choices and to believe that you really are making progress.

If desired, in your treatment plan notebook, start a mood log. Check in on your emotional state either twice a day at about 10am and 6pm or three times a day–morning, afternoon and evening. Assign a number from one to ten that best represents your mood, with ten being blissfully elated; five being even-keeled, without either depression or elation; and one being deeply depressed. Be as accurate as possible without overthinking it.

In the weeks to come, periodically review your mood log. Notice any patterns that emerge. Certain activities and times of day might trigger certain emotional states on a fairly reliable basis. Note this information, and use it to inform your daily schedule and your depression treatment plan.

At least once a month, calculate your average mood score. Reflect on whether or not your mood seems to be stabilizing over time and possible reasons for this. Again, use this information to inform your depression treatment plan and make changes as needed.

Depression Treatment Options Roundup: Option Two

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.

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Treatment option 2: Creating your individualized treatment plan

Many books on depression management are incredibly helpful. But often, they’re limited in scope. They focus on one intervention, such as meditation, exercise or cognitive therapy, and attempt to convince us that it’s all we need. However, most people who experience chronic depression know that it’s more complicated than that. While depression responds well to many individual treatments, over time, a more well-rounded, comprehensive approach is usually needed.

For this reason, I invite readers who suffer from some form of depression to create an individualized treatment plan that meets their personal needs and preferences. It might be helpful to seek the support of a psychiatrist, licensed mental health counselor or another mental health professional in this endeavor. My hope is that by taking a whole-person approach, rather than identifying one treatment at a time, depression sufferers will experience sustainable, long-term symptom reduction.

Four dozen treatment options is a lot to take in. Keep in mind that perfection is never the goal. As you work through these pages, try to remain a bit lighthearted about the whole thing. It can be fun to make optimistic plans. Later, you can revise your expectations and your goals, adjusting them to the reality of daily life. 

One more important point here: though all of the treatments included in this book work some of the time for some of the people with depression, six options are backed by more research than are the others. I call them the Big Six, and they are: maintaining healthy relationships and a sense of community; sleeping well; taking antidepressants as directed and at an adequate dose; exercising regularly; going to therapy; and doing written cognitive therapy exercises. Spending time in nature is also surprisingly effective (see Lost Connections by Johann Hari for more on this). Psychotherapy’s high rates of effectiveness are enhanced when the client connects emotionally with the counselor and when therapy is used as a meta-strategy that includes and encourages other changes. I should also note two other less accessible heavy hitters for treatment-resistant depression: taking psychedelics in a therapeutic setting and undergoing transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). More on all of these to come.

Strongly consider each of these when creating your treatment plan.

Grab a journal or a notebook (or even just some loose leaf paper) and start your individualized treatment plan. This can look however you want it to look, but my suggestion is to keep it simple: write “Depression Treatment Plan” at the top of the first page, and write “Emotional Coping Skills” at the top of the second page. That’s all for now; as you work your way through this book, you will write down the treatment options you would like to try on these lists. More specific tasks related to your treatment plan can go on your to-do lists or elsewhere in the notebook. 

Your House Is Like a Person; It Has a Soul

This is chapter one of my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home. Get your copy at Amazon or at your online retailer of choice today.

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The other day, I read the craziest thing. Not crazy in the hyperbolic sense, either—actually a bit crazy. And you know what? Part of me believes it anyway.

It was in the book Zero Limits by spirituality writer Joe Vitale, and the words came from the guru who is the subject of said book. His name is Hew Len, and according to him, he has regular two-way interactions—yes, entire conversations—with all sorts of inanimate objects. My favorite line of his, said of a shabby hotel conference room: “This room says its name is Sheila.”

I know, I know: that’s what I thought, too. Still, this isn’t an entirely novel belief. Only a few weeks before reading Zero Limits I read the book Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of the Soul by Jane Roberts, which discusses something similar. Seth is the spirit entity channeled by the author back in the 1960s, and the supposed true author of this and several of Roberts’ other books. I figure that anyone who lives in another plane of existence deserves a fair hearing, and because of this I’m tempted to believe him when he says things like, “There is consciousness even in a nail …”

Okay, so you might not be as susceptible to mysticism as I am. And trust me when I say I’m not trying to convert you or anything. I share these quotes simply because doing so makes me feel a bit less kooky when I make the first major philosophical statement of this book, namely: your house is like a person; it has a soul.

Your house is a kindly grandmother or an accomplished musician. It’s a garbage collector or a playful child or an artist. It has an identity and it has a personality, and when you spend time with it, that personality is communicated. It is felt.

Your house is like a person. It has a soul. And that soul can, like a good book, be a friend.

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Beauty is actually pretty important

Every time you walk through the front door of your home—or anyone’s home, for that matter—your mood changes immediately. As soon as you take in the entrance and the first room, your levels of enjoyment, comfort and peace shift in subtle ways. Because that’s what happens to us all when we enter a new space: we take on a little bit of its message. This is why people spend even more money on venue and decorations for a party than they spend on music and food. Being around people you love is great, and you can probably enjoy them anywhere. But being somewhere nice with those same people is much, much nicer. It’s worth the extra money, the extra effort.

People often ask why other people like to go camping. The answer is obvious: the beauty. It’s not the hiking, or the swimming, or the campfire with the s’mores (though I love all these things)—you can get those at a cabin. It’s the feeling of waking up in the morning smelling truly fresh air and stumbling to the bathroom surrounded by trees. It’s making coffee and pancakes outside, in one of the many places on the earth that are absolutely perfectly designed, exactly as they are.

No French doors. No balcony. No granite counter tops and tile back splashes. No fountain-like bathroom taps; you’ll use a water pump that splashes your feet. No gables. No Great Grain Number Three from Sherwin Williams. No microfiber. No just-finished maple hardwood floors. Just nature.

And it’s stunning. Every part of it. Everywhere you look. The birds in the trees, the spider on the log. The dirt is everywhere, and the dirt is wonderful. You wouldn’t think of covering it up or getting rid of it, except inside the tent.

This is why you walked three miles with the heaviest backpack you’ve ever carried or packed your car to the brim, drove a long distance and spent two hours arranging your campsite. This is why you used an outhouse this morning and why you ate dehydrated food for dinner last night. This. Just this. Just the beauty.

Was it worth it? It is for me.

Beauty is important. Beauty makes you feel good. It brings peace. It makes you happier. Of course, our homes will never be beautiful in the way that nature is beautiful. But think about how you feel when you walk into your house every day. Is it a good feeling? If it is, is it as good as it could be? If not, why? What do you want to change?

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Let’s talk about your goal

Soon, I’ll list the five principles of the Naked House. But first, let’s talk for a second about what we’re really doing when we’re doing all this organizing. What is your goal? What are you moving toward? What do you want your home to make you feel?

When I asked myself that question, the answer was obvious. I didn’t want a fancier house, or a bigger house, or even a sunnier, more cheerful one. I just wanted my house to feel peaceful. Home is where we relax. It’s where we go to calm down. I like feeling cheerful, and I understand that some people love yellow kitchens and light blue bathrooms. This isn’t what I wanted, though. I wanted brown. I wanted a muted color palette with very few adornments and an emphasis on the view from our large windows. I wanted my house to look like part of the earth.

Is that what you want, too? Do you want more serenity, simplicity and restfulness in your life? If so, the tips in this book might help. Because here, we’re not just talking about home decor, or cleaning, or organization. What we’re talking about is changing our environment in a way that allows for a fresh new perspective on life.

We’re talking about how to be happier.

Of course, a serene look might not be your goal. You might want a more high-energy look. That’s fine. But consider adding to your vision the element of peace. I contend that even a brighter home with more detail than mine has can benefit from some degree of minimalism.

Whatever look you desire, take a moment before starting your cleaning process to clearly visualize it. Then, if you get discouraged as you work through your rooms, you’ll have a goal image to recall.

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Life is hard. Reorganizing isn’t.

The good news is that you can, of course, make these changes. Even without spending any money, there’s a lot you can do. Behavior change is hard. Character change is really hard. Emotional change is even harder than that. But reorganizing your house? Not hard. Just takes time. Put on a good podcast and it can even be fun. If your brain is telling you otherwise, remind it that it’s just one step. You’re not doing it all in a day. You’re cleaning one shelf, one corner, one area first, and you have a designated box (or two or three) for all the stuff that gets displaced. That box isn’t your job right now. That box is for another day. Today, it’s just this shelf, this corner. And when you’re done, your life will be that much simpler for a good amount of time to come.

There are things in life that are genuinely hard, genuinely suck. Organizing isn’t one of them. It’s easy.

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A brief word on other kinds of clutter

Some people have a difficult time getting rid of their favorite things. Other people enjoy doing so, but lack the time. If you’re the former type, I suggest that you do what you can and pray for grace for the rest. Many experts suggest that the good feelings you get from letting go of the first few things you let go of (the feelings of freedom and self-care) often help inspire you to continue.

For the latter group, a different solution might be needed. Remember, clutter isn’t only in your house; it can be in your life, too. Is there anything you can nix? Anything you can cut back on? Is it possible that at times, you’re afraid of not being busy enough—of being bored? If so, you’re in good company: I detest boredom. But I’ve learned to busy myself in more flexible ways. Instead of taking on a volunteer project or convincing myself I need to work a bit more, earn a bit more money, I come up with time-consuming hobbies that feed me. There’s always something to do, but there’s rarely a deadline. This is how I declutter my busy life.

Another kind of clutter: mind clutter. This one will kill you. If you’re experiencing guilt, regret, anxiety, depression or frequent negativity, please seek help as soon as you can. You don’t deserve that. No one does. It’s garbage.

***

What, then, is the Naked House?

Okay, then. Let’s get to it. The Naked House is, in five words, ordered from most important to least:

1.      Bare;

2.      Organized;

3.      Matching;

4.      Clean; and

5.      Quality.

And really, that’s it—the Naked House philosophy in a nutshell. Our homes may have souls, or they may not, but either way the mood they convey affects us. And a house that has all or most of these five traits is the one that I believe helps us find the inner calm that we seek.

In this book we will tour the Naked House room by room, noticing how these concepts are applied. First, though, an overview of each of these five principles in turn.

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The Naked House is bare; or, The solution is almost always fewer things

When it comes to making your home a more peaceful place, the solution is almost always fewer things. That’s not the only place in this book I’m going to make that statement, and there’s a good reason for that: the first and most important principle of the Naked House is that it’s bare. (That’s why it’s called “naked,” after all.) And so, the question becomes: what exactly do I mean by this term?

Well, what is the image you have in your mind when I use the word “bare”? Is it a room that is completely empty, as if no one lives there at all? Or is there a couch and a few chairs, maybe even a vase with some flowers? For the purposes of this book, the terms “bare” and “naked” aren’t so much about wearing no clothes as they are about wearing nothing that distracts from your beauty.

It is the complete absence of clutter.

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With over 150 Amazon reviews, The Naked House is my best-selling book. Get your copy at Amazon or at your online retailer of choice.

“Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby” Now Available at Walmart

After Rachel and Matthew had their first child, they had a couple of fights. Well, okay, more than a couple—they fought for over three years. They fought about schedules. They fought about bad habits.

They even fought about the lawn mower.

And besides actually having their child, it was the best thing that could’ve happened.

Chronicling their greatest hits, from the Great Birth Control Debate to the Divorce Joke Showdown, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is a post-partem story with hope. It offers true stories from the field, nitty-gritty advice and, most importantly, a nuanced understanding of what it takes to be married with children.

Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.

Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “The Happiness Advantage” by Shawn Achor

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Here’s another installment in my happiness book summaries: The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work by Shawn Achor. I like its overview of the history of positive psychology and it’s thorough treatment of the topic. Also, it’s fun to read, and that makes me happy, too.

Key Takeaways

  • Happiness is important, and we know of many ways to achieve it. That’s the central message of this book. But before delving into that, the author attempts to explain what happiness is:
  • “So how do the scientists define happiness? Essentially, as the experience of positive emotions—pleasure combined with deeper feelings of meaning and purpose. Happiness implies a positive mood in the present and a positive outlook for the future. Martin Seligman, the pioneer in positive psychology, has broken it down into three, measurable components: pleasure, engagement, and meaning.”
  • The book describes the recent birth of the field of positive psychology and the author’s part in it: “In 2006, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar asked if I would serve as his head teaching fellow to help design and teach a course called Positive Psychology. Tal was not yet internationally well-known; his best-selling book Happier wouldn’t be published until the following spring. Under the circumstances, we thought we’d be lucky to lure in a hundred undergraduates brave enough to risk a hit on their transcripts by foregoing a credit in, say, advanced economic theory for one in happiness. Over the next two semesters, nearly 1,200 Harvard students enrolled in the class—that’s one in every six students at one of the most hard-driving universities in the world. We quickly began to realize that these students were there because they were hungry. They were starving to be happier, not sometime in the future, but in the present. And they were there because despite all the advantages they enjoyed, they still felt unfulfilled.”
  • People have less sex over the course of their lives than we think they do. Feelings that we are missing out on this experience are therefore based on inaccurate information. “Based on my study of Harvard undergraduates, the average number of romantic relationships over four years is less than one. The average number of sexual partners, if you’re curious, is 0.5 per student. (I have no idea what 0.5 sexual partners means, but it sounds like the scientific equivalent of second base.) In my survey, I found that among these brilliant Harvard students, 24 percent are unaware if they are currently involved in any romantic relationship.”
  • Positivity and happiness predict success fairly reliably. “For example, doctors put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis show almost three times more intelligence and creativity than doctors in a neutral state, and they make accurate diagnoses 19 percent faster. Optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by 56 percent. Students primed to feel happy before taking math achievement tests far outperform their neutral peers. It turns out that our brains are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative or even neutral, but when they are positive.”
  • A study of 180 journals kept by Catholic nuns showed a correlation between emotional well-being and physical well-being: “The nuns whose journal entries had more overtly joyful content lived nearly ten years longer than the nuns whose entries were more negative or neutral. By age 85, 90 percent of the happiest quartile of nuns were still alive, compared to only 34 percent of the least happy quartile.”
  • “Research shows that unhappy employees take more sick days, staying home an average of 1.25 more days per month, or 15 extra sick days a year.”
  • “In one study I’m glad I never volunteered to take part in, researchers gave subjects a survey designed to measure levels of happiness—then injected them with a strain of the cold virus. A week later, the individuals who were happier before the start of the study had fought off the virus much better than the less happy individuals. They didn’t just feel better, either; they actually had fewer objective symptoms of illness as measured by doctors—less sneezing, coughing, inflammation, and congestion.”
  • “Positive emotions flood our brains with dopamine and serotonin, chemicals that not only make us feel good, but dial up the learning centers of our brains to higher levels. They help us organize new information, keep that information in the brain longer, and retrieve it faster later on. And they enable us to make and sustain more neural connections, which allows us to think more quickly and creatively, become more skilled at complex analysis and problem solving, and see and invent new ways of doing things.”
  • The book also examines the power of belief at length. It describes a study in which 75-year-old men were asked to pretend they were 55 and the year was twenty years earlier. It seems that during the study, the men felt closer to the age they pretended to be: “After the retreat, most of the men had improved in every category; they were significantly more flexible, had better posture, and even much-improved hand strength. Their average eyesight even improved by almost 10 percent, as did their performance on tests of memory. In over half the men, intelligence, long thought to be fixed from adolescence, moved up as well. Even their physical appearance changed; random people who didn’t know anything about the experiment were shown pictures of the men both before and after the experiment, and asked to guess their age. Based on these objective ratings, the men looked, on average, three years younger than when they arrived.”
  • “In one of my favorite all-time experiments, Japanese researchers blindfolded a group of students and told them their right arms were being rubbed with a poison ivy plant.3 Afterward, all 13 of the students’ arms reacted with the classic symptoms of poison ivy: itching, boils, and redness. Not surprising … until you find out that the plant used for the study wasn’t poison ivy at all, just a harmless shrub. The students’ beliefs were actually strong enough to create the biological effects of poison ivy, even though no such plant had touched them. Then, on the students’ other arm, the researchers rubbed actual poison ivy, but told them it was a harmless plant. Even though all 13 students were highly allergic, only 2 of them broke out into the poison ivy rash!”
  • “One study of 112 entry-level accountants found that those who believed they could accomplish what they set out to do were the ones who ten months later scored the best job performance ratings from their supervisors.”
  • “A team of researchers led by Robert Rosenthal went into an elementary school and administered intelligence tests to the students. The researchers then told the teachers in each of the classrooms which students—say, Sam, Sally, and Sarah—the data had identified as academic superstars, the ones with the greatest potential for growth. [However,] when Sam, Sally, and Sarah had been tested at the beginning of the experiment, they were found to be absolutely, wonderfully ordinary. The researchers had randomly picked their names and then lied to the teachers about their ability. But after the experiment, they had in fact turned into academic superstars.”
  • So how do we increase our happiness, then? One way is to meditate. “Neuroscientists have found that monks who spend years meditating actually grow their left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain most responsible for feeling happy. But don’t worry, you don’t have to spend years in sequestered, celibate silence to experience a boost. Take just five minutes each day to watch your breath go in and out.”
  • Another idea: think about something you are looking forward to. “One study found that people who just thought about watching their favorite movie actually raised their endorphin levels by 27 percent.”
  • Another: do random acts of kindness regularly. “A long line of empirical research, including one study of over 2,000 people, has shown that acts of altruism—giving to friends and strangers alike—decrease stress and strongly contribute to enhanced mental health.”
  • And, of course, exercise. “You have probably heard that exercise releases pleasure-inducing chemicals called endorphins, but that’s not its only benefit. Physical activity can boost mood and enhance our work performance in a number of other ways as well, by improving motivation and feelings of mastery, reducing stress and anxiety, and helping us get into flow—that ‘locked in’ feeling of total engagement that we usually get when we’re at our most productive.”
  • Spend money on pleasurable experiences rather than on stuff. They good feelings last longer, creating good memories and hope for similar experiences in the future.
  • Recognition and feedback is extremely helpful for happiness as well. Even silly prizes and awards help us feel good about ourselves and our performance.
  • Gratitude is another powerful way to become happier: “When you write down a list of ‘three good things’ that happened that day, your brain will be forced to scan the last 24 hours for potential positives—things that brought small or large laughs, feelings of accomplishment at work, a strengthened connection with family, a glimmer of hope for the future.”
  • Optimism is important for success, as demonstrated in the following anecdote: “You’ve probably heard the oft-told story of the two shoe salesmen who were sent to Africa in the early 1900s to assess opportunities. They wired separate telegrams back to their boss. One read: ‘Situation hopeless. They don’t wear shoes.’ The other read: ‘Glorious opportunity! They don’t have any shoes yet.'”
  • The book also describes how to create good habits and discourage bad ones.

About the Author

Shawn Achor is an American author, speaker, and positive psychology researcher known for his work on happiness, well-being, and positive psychology in the workplace. He earned his Bachelor’s degree from Harvard University, where he studied positive psychology under renowned psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar. He later earned a Master’s degree from Harvard Divinity School.

Achor’s research and writings primarily focus on the science of happiness and positive psychology, particularly in the context of work and organizations. He has conducted extensive research on the factors that contribute to individual and collective well-being and performance.

In addition to his books, Achor is a highly sought-after speaker, delivering engaging and informative presentations on positive psychology, happiness, and well-being. He has delivered TED Talks that have garnered millions of views, further spreading his message of the importance of cultivating happiness and positivity.

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Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book Of Homeschooling” by John Holt and Pat Farenga

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Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book Of Homeschooling by John Holt and Pat Farenga isn’t my favorite John Holt book. But anything with his name on it is a push of the “Buy Now” button on Amazon for me.

Read it because you’re familiar with Holt’s unschooling philosophy, and want ideas for employing it in some way.

Key Takeaways

  • In this book the authors discuss the idea of unschooling as an alternative to traditional schooling or homeschooling. This involves allowing learning without a lot of direct teaching. The authors provide a number of colorful, hearty quotes, some of which are as follows:
  • Learning is, and should be considered to be, as natural to humans as breathing. The authors imagine themselves at a “breathing conference” where nothing but the act of improving on breathing is discussed all day long. “And I thought, if we found ourselves at such a conference, would we not assume that everyone there was sick, or had just been sick? Why so much talk and worry about something that healthy people do naturally?”
  • “If there were no other reason for wanting to keep kids out of school, the social life would be reason enough. In all but a very few of the schools I have taught in, visited, or know anything about, the social life of the children is mean-spirited, competitive, exclusive, status-seeking, snobbish, full of talk about who went to whose birthday party and who got what …”
  • “Years ago I read that one or more inner-city schools had tried the experiment of letting fifth graders teach first graders to read. They found, first, that the first graders learned faster than similar first graders taught by trained teachers, and secondly, that the fifth graders who were teaching them, many or most of whom had not been good readers themselves, also improved a great deal in their reading.”
  • “We can sum up very quickly what people need to teach their own children. First of all, they have to like them, enjoy their company, their physical presence, their energy, foolishness, and passion. They have to enjoy all their talk and questions, and enjoy equally trying to answer those questions. They have to think of their children as friends, indeed very close friends, have to feel happier when they are near and miss them when they are away. They have to trust them as people, respect their fragile dignity, treat them with courtesy, take them seriously. They have to feel in their own hearts some of their children’s wonder, curiosity, and excitement about the world. And they have to have enough confidence in themselves, skepticism about experts, and willingness to be different from most people, to take on themselves the responsibility for their children’s learning. But that is about all that parents need.”
  • “During his early years, my wife and I and a couple of friends taught him all he wanted to know, and if we didn’t know it, which usually was the case, it was even better for we all learned together. Example: at 7, he saw the periodic table of elements, wanted to learn atoms and chemistry and physics. I had forgotten how to balance an equation, but went out and bought a college textbook on the subject, a history of discovery of the elements, and some model atoms, and in the next month we went off into a tangent of learning in which somehow we both learned college-level science. He has never returned to the subject, but to this day retains every bit of it because it came at a moment in development and fantasy that was meaningful to him.”
  • “A very important function of institutions of so-called higher learning is not so much to teach people things as to limit access to certain kinds of learning and work. The function of law schools is much less to train lawyers than to keep down the supply of lawyers. Practically everything that is now only done by people with Ph.D.’s was, not so very long ago, done by people with no graduate training or in some cases even undergraduate training.”
  • Though some parents worry about sheltering their children too much, the author believes that doing so is the proper role of a parent. Sheltering them is a way of teaching them how to avoid problems later on.
  • Some parents view homeschooling as a way for kids to avoid challenges or problems, but the authors write that children will always have their fair share of these. “To learn to know oneself, and to find a life worth living and work worth doing, is problem and challenge enough, without having to waste time on the fake and unworthy challenges of school—pleasing the teacher, staying out of trouble, fitting in with the gang, being popular, doing what everyone else does.”
  • To parents who fear homeschooling won’t challenge kids to do things they don’t want to do, the authors write that life is full of requirements, and they will learn to meet them if they have enough internal and external motivation to do so.
  • “Intelligence … is not the measure of how much we know how to do, but of how we behave when we don’t know what to do. It has to do with our ability to think up important questions and then to find ways to get useful answers.”
  • “One thing I’ve found useful, when helping kids go through this process, is to make three lists. One list is for things that come easily, things that you would do anyway, whether or not you sat down and made a plan about them. The second list is for things that you want to work on but feel you need some help with—maybe suggestions of ways to pursue the activity, or maybe some sort of schedule or plan regarding it. The third list is for things you want to put aside for a while, things you don’t want to work on right now.”

About the Author

John Holt and Pat Farenga are both influential figures in the field of education, particularly in the realm of homeschooling and alternative education.

John Holt (1923-1985) was an American educator, author, and advocate for educational reform. He is best known for his progressive views on education and his belief in the importance of child-centered learning. Holt challenged traditional schooling methods and argued that children learn best when they are actively engaged and have the freedom to explore their interests. His influential books, such as “How Children Fail” and “How Children Learn,” sparked a movement that emphasized self-directed learning and homeschooling as viable alternatives to conventional education.

Pat Farenga, a student and collaborator of John Holt, has played a significant role in continuing Holt’s work and promoting homeschooling as a valid educational option. After Holt’s death, Farenga worked closely with the Holt Associates and founded Holt Associates International, which provides support and resources to homeschooling families. He has written several books, including “Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling,” co-authored with John Holt. Farenga is known for his efforts to spread awareness about homeschooling, empower parents as primary educators, and advocate for educational freedom and choice.

Both John Holt and Pat Farenga have made substantial contributions to the educational landscape by challenging traditional schooling paradigms and championing alternative approaches that prioritize the needs and interests of individual learners. Their work continues to inspire and inform parents, educators, and policymakers seeking innovative and student-centered educational models.

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Everyone Told Me It Was Normal to Be Nervous

This is chapter one of my book, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby: A Self-help Story. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.

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Everyone told me it was normal to be nervous. More than nervous—freaked out. Insecure. You’re going to let us take her home now? By ourselves? they remembered thinking before leaving the hospital. Are you sure that’s such a good idea?

And actually, it was pretty weird. The nurses taught me how to latch the baby, how to change a diaper, how to adjust the straps on the car seat. They helped Matt and I get the swaddle neat and tight. But they didn’t say a word about, well, parenting. Crib or bed? Feeding schedule or no? Go back to work or stay at home? All of the hard decisions were saved for another day, not this day, the day Poppy was born.

I labored at the hospital, Matthew there and gone again, making trips between the delivery room, various eating establishments and home. While he distracted himself with errands, I distracted myself with an audio book, trying not to wish he was nearby. Thing was, I didn’t want him there. I really didn’t. I didn’t want to have to have a conversation. But if he would have held me–just that, and nothing more–that might have been all right.

It took two hours for the pitocin to kick in, and in late afternoon the real labor came. For this, Matthew did hold me, both my head and my hand, offering his body as leverage. When the midwife told me to curl, Matthew pushed my legs to my head, and laughed at how hard I pushed back. Lots of pushes. Lots. So many. So many. Then the head was visible, and the midwife asked if I wanted a mirror.

“Yes!” I said.

“No,” said Matt at the same time. Then: “You do, Hon? Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I said. “Of course I do. Don’t you?”

The midwife positioned it for me, and I saw my baby for the first time.

It didn’t look like a baby.

Three more pushes. Hard pushes. Long ones. Then: relief. The head was out, and with a last push for the body, Matthew and I became parents.

Matthew looked at the baby, then at me. “It’s a girl,” he announced.

“We know that already,” I said, laughing.

“She’s beautiful,” he said.

“But we knew that, too.”

“Of course we did. She is perfect.”

The midwife put Poppy, now crying heavily, on my chest. As I smooshed my breast against her mouth, Matthew put his hand on her soft hair.

“There she is.”

“There she is. She is ours.”

* * *

Late that night. Matthew gone again. He didn’t want to sleep on the pull-out. And as I soon learned, it was just as well. No, not just as well; it was better.

I got to spend the whole night with just her.

No sharing. No small talk. No deciding. No details. No normal life stuff. Just life. Just the room, the dark, except the street lamps below the half-drawn blinds, and a simple light behind the bed dimmed to almost nothing.

So this is motherhood, I thought as I stared at Poppy’s face. This is who I am now. Strange that I’m not scared. Everyone says you’ll be scared. But I feel good. I feel confident. It feels simple.

Here’s this little alive thing, sort of like a plant, except that I am her air and sunlight, her photosynthesis. She needs me completely, and I accept the challenge. That is the way this thing works.

It’s the most straightforward relationship I’ve ever had.

Honestly, that was it. That was my conclusion. I would be the giver, she’d be the taker—and I was fine with that. It was when I expected something, when I needed someone to behave a certain way—that was the situation I worried about.

Which is why lying in bed that night, there was only one thing I was worried about, and it had nothing to do with the baby.

It was Matthew.

What’s he going to be like, now that we have a kid? I wondered. Will he be the same person? For that matter, will I? Will being parents affect the way we treat each other? How we are together?

How will our relationship change?

And as it turned out, I was right to be nervous. Because while that first year with Poppy was one of the best of my life, it was the worst for me and Matt.

* * *

The following day, the hospital. Only that room in the hospital, and the bathroom adjoining it. Nothing more. Matthew came and went, bringing meals, bringing news. We opened a few presents, saw doctors, did paperwork. I slept a bit, too, Poppy next to me on the bed, though the nurse had advised against it. When I had to change my pad, the nurses helped me to the bathroom. They changed all of Poppy’s diapers and held her when she cried. It was the first time in my life I’d been waited on so thoroughly, and I relished it. I didn’t want to leave.

The following morning, Matthew arrived at 9 a.m. to take me home, and I delayed the departure as long as possible. When the time finally came—it was close to noon—I took a long last look at the room.

Maybe it was nostalgia. Sentimentality. Hormones. Or maybe—just maybe—it was more than that. Maybe it was the inkling I’d had the night before about Matthew.

Maybe I was sensing the learning curve ahead.

Yes, that was it. Just hours after giving birth, I had the mom thing figured out. I didn’t know how to do anything—not even change a diaper—but I knew how to be alone with my child. But four years into my marriage, I still didn’t know what Matthew expected of me, what he didn’t expect of me, and, most important, what to expect of myself. When it was just Matthew and I, this oversight didn’t matter. I compensated for not understanding what he really needed by giving him more of what he wanted, which worked fine. But now—now I had a second relationship to consider. My usual coping strategies wouldn’t work.

Even before Matthew and I arrived home the tension between us had begun. Matthew wasn’t himself. He was irritable. Hurried. Though whether due to jealousy, neglect or just impatience, I’ll never know.

He tried to hide his annoyance with humor. “Should’ve had a home birth.”

I responded with a tight smile and forced laugh. “I liked it there,” I said.

“Yeah, I noticed. Thought you were going to sprain an ankle so you could stay.”

“Don’t begrudge me my reward,” I told him, smiling again. “Besides, I thought about it. Wouldn’t’ve worked.”

The things I didn’t say: “Why do I have to bring up the pain of childbirth this soon?” “Why aren’t you happier?” “Why aren’t we celebrating?” I wanted the day we left the hospital to be special, an occasion. Instead, I just felt sad to go home.

Maybe it was too much to expect him to know how I felt, how I wanted him to support me on that day. But a small gesture made in that tender time would’ve gone a long way towards lessening my fears. He could’ve held my hand. He could’ve told me how proud he was of me. He could’ve just asked me what I needed. It would’ve taken so little, almost nothing—but instead, he chose jokes and I chose smiles.

The first two weeks after the baby was born, I cried nearly every night before sleep. A few times, Matthew heard me; he came to the bedroom and asked what was wrong. Each time I told him the same thing.

“It’s just hormones, Hon. I’ll be okay.”

I was working too hard. That was part of the problem. I always had and didn’t want to stop. Baby in the chest carrier, I cooked, cleaned and, my favorite, organized. There’s never an end of things to organize.

Part of me realized the emotions were normal, and that I wasn’t taking good enough care of myself. Another part of me, though, blamed Matthew.

He wasn’t helping enough. That’s the truth, unvarnished. He didn’t seem to know how to, really. While my life had changed completely—no more day job, constant sleep interruptions—he was quickly back to his usual routine. Work. Eat. Play. Sleep. Weekends: basketball, projects. Which is why, during those first few weeks with Poppy, I felt all the good stuff you’re supposed to feel— gratitude and love—I felt a lot of bad stuff, too. I was scared. I was angry. But mostly, I was sad. Sad that things weren’t right with me and Matt.

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Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.

Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “Punished by Rewards” by Alfie Kohn

sad isolated young woman looking away through fence with hope
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Who would’ve thought that offering rewards is a horrible way to motivate someone to learn? In Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes, Alfie Kohn, a well-known proponent of self-directed education, makes just this argument—and just may change everything you think you know about prizes, trophies, gold stars—even grades.

Key Takeaways

  • Behaviorism—the idea that human behavior can and should be controlled through externally motivating factors—is our cultural paradigm, and its legitimacy goes largely unquestioned. But this is not the only way to motivate kids to learn, and certainly not the best one.
  • Rewards and punishments are sometimes effective, but mostly just in the short-term; long-term, they often backfire. There are five main reasons for this: They manipulate. People don’t like to be manipulated or told what to do. Secondly, they rupture relationships. People begin to do nice things for rewards rather than out of true altruism and caring. Thirdly, they don’t get to the root of the problem. They don’t help us discover why the “bad” behavior or lack of desire to learn is there in the first place. Fourthly, they discourage risk-taking. They cause people to not want to fail. Fifth and finally, and, most importantly: They cause people to lose interest in a task for its own sake. Learning, one of the most natural pleasures of the human experience, is no longer considered fun.
  • The author tells the story of an old man being harassed by some children who decided to pay them to tease him. After he gradually lowered the payment, they lost interest in the activity and stopped.
  • Learning declines when learning activities are extrinsically motivated.
  • Verbal praise is one of the most-used rewards, and one of the most problematic. The reasons for this include: First, it signals low ability. When kids are praised for something they did easily, or something they did poorly, it makes them feel they’re being treated like a child or an idiot. Second, it causes praise addiction. Praising a child’s intelligence, for example, causes them to create an unhealthy identification with their intelligence that makes them afraid to fail, especially in front of others. Third, it reduces interest in a task. Kids who are overly praised for a particular activity assume the praise is meant to get them to do something they wouldn’t do otherwise. This assumption causes them to no longer desire to perform the activity.
  • Praise is a way to keep children dependent on us. It’s a shortcut—an external motivator that appears internal. Therefore, when you praise, praise specific tasks or effort. Don’t praise intelligence or skill in general. Make praise as specific as possible.
  • Avoid phony praise.
  • Avoid praise that sets up a competition.
  • This challenge also applies to the workplace. We think we can motivate people externally, but we can’t. We can only set up conditions in which their inner drive/motivation is able to thrive.
  • How can we do this? Studies support using the 3 C’s: ollaboration (give them good people to work with); content (give them meaningful work); and choice (give them autonomy).

About the Author

Alfie Kohn is an American author, speaker, and educational theorist known for his work on progressive education, parenting, and the critique of traditional schooling practices. Kohn holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from Brown University and a Master’s degree in Education from Harvard University. He has been a prominent voice in the field of education for several decades and has written extensively on topics such as motivation, discipline, standardized testing, and the role of rewards and punishments in learning.

One of Kohn’s central ideas is the concept of “unconditional parenting” and the belief that children thrive when they are supported and respected rather than controlled or manipulated. He challenges conventional wisdom and encourages parents and educators to focus on fostering intrinsic motivation, critical thinking, and a love of learning in children.

Through his books, including Punished by Rewards, The Schools Our Children Deserve, and Unconditional Parenting, Kohn presents thought-provoking arguments and research-based insights into the effects of various educational strategies on students’ well-being and learning outcomes. He challenges conventional wisdom and offers alternative approaches grounded in research and progressive educational philosophies.

As a speaker and presenter, Kohn has delivered lectures and workshops to educators, parents, and policymakers worldwide, sharing his ideas and engaging in discussions about transforming education to better serve the needs of all students.

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Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “The Soul of Discipline” by Kim John Payne

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The Soul of Discipline: The Simplicity Parenting Approach to Warm, Firm, and Calm Guidance- From Toddlers to Teens by Kim John Payne is yet another parenting offering in this series, and my justification for that is simple: raising kids is hard. The more books you read, the better chances you have to get it (mostly) right, particularly books about discipline.

Key Takeaways

  • Kids misbehave when they feel disoriented. They seek our attention through disruptive or whiny behavior in order to seek reassurance.
  • Keep kids’ lives simple. Provide a calm, safe and routine-based environment that allows them to not get overwhelmed.
  • When disciplining a child, reorient them to family values, such as by saying, “In our family, we don’t speak to each other like that; we just don’t.”
  • Maintain a healthy skepticism surrounding products marketed to children, especially books and other media. Allow only media that supports your family’s values.
  • “Suggestions and choices needed to be replaced by simple, clear, firm instructions.”
  • Before offering an instruction, connect with the child and orient them to the task. Explain what is happening and why.
  • If you find yourself talking or instructing constantly, try a “No Request–No Suggest Diet” in which you take a break from these activities. Notice which requests and suggestions did not need to be made. When you do make suggestions, do so mindfully and always follow through.
  • Beware of role confusion. It’s important for kids to know that you are in charge.
  • Sometimes, kids need a more direct approach, and other times, they need us to proceed slowly and gently. Gentle parenting is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Read your child’s emotions at the moment, and adjust accordingly, as you would in any other social situation.
  • Take a few minutes every day to connect with your child. Don’t just direct traffic all day.
  • When offering a difficult instruction, do so in a mindful manner in a quiet place.
  • Make instructions specific and simple, especially for easily distracted children.
  • In many cases it’s best not to negotiate, justify or converse about these instructions. Simply repeat the instruction gently.
  • Demonstrate physically what you want the child to do. Children are excellent imitators.
  • Don’t overuse time-outs, as they are rejection-based punishments and not as effective for self-reflection as some other consequences are.
  • By contrast, time-ins (times with the parent alone to calm down) can be helpful. Use the time to discuss the difficulty or problematic behavior.
  • “Remember that there is no such thing as a disobedient child … only a disoriented one.”

About the Author

Kim John Payne is an author, educator, education consultant and researcher. He is most known for his books Simplicity Parenting and The Soul of Discipline. His work focuses on creating balanced, harmonious, and supportive environments for children, and he emphasizes the importance of simplicity, rhythm, and connection in family life.

In addition to his writing, Kim John Payne gives lectures, workshops, and trainings for parents, educators, and professionals. He is a sought-after speaker and has appeared on numerous radio and television programs to discuss his approach to parenting and education.

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Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “Freakonomics” and “Superfreakonomics” by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner

heap of different nominal per dollars
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Superfreakonomics: Global Cooling, Patriotic Prostitutes and Why Suicide Bombers Should Buy Life Insurance by Steven D. Hevitt and Stephen J. Dubner, the equally fascinating follow-up to Freakonomics, draws unexpected, unintuitive conclusions about how world economics really works–how it influences our behavior, personal relationships and daily lives. Read it and/or its predecessor for a hint of how complicated the world really is.

Key Takeaways

  • People respond to incentives, and sometimes these incentives lead to unexpected or counterintuitive outcomes. That’s the central message of Freakonomics and its successor, Superfreakonomics. From the effect of legalized abortion on crime rates to the cheating of sumo wrestlers in Japan, incentives have an enormous, complicating and surprising effect on real-life problems.
  • Sometimes, phenomenon can be explained by analyzing incentives, and other times, phenomenon (such as social problems) can be changed or altered by altering getting the incentives right. As an example, the authors describe a hospital program that encouraged doctors to wash hand by placing a scan of a bacteria-filled hand taken from an actual doctor in that hospital as a screen saver on the hospital computers. The authors also discuss the problem of global warming at length, describing a group of Seattle-based inventors that might have solved it by adding liquefied sulfur dioxide to the air.
  • The authors also emphasize the effect of information asymmetry, where one party in a transaction possesses more information than the other. They discuss how certain professionals or experts might exploit this information gap to their advantage and examine scenarios such as the disparity between real estate agents’ incentives and those of their clients and the disparity between teachers’ incentives and students’ educational outcomes.
  • The authors also stress the importance of distinguishing between correlation and causation when interpreting data and drawing conclusions. They caution against making assumptions about causality based solely on observed correlations. The authors illustrate this concept by examining topics like the link between parenting practices and children’s outcomes, the relationship between names and success, and the impact of drug dealers’ income. Through these examples, they demonstrate how deeper analysis is required to determine true cause-and-effect relationships.
  • The economics of prostitution, terrorism, suicide bombing, hospital management, seatbelt use and more are also discussed.
  • On prostitution, the authors state that contrary to common belief, it is safer and more profitable for sex workers to be managed by a pimp. Also, people might not realize that a large percentage of tricks are done for policeman as freebies, and lots of street prostitutes make very good money.
  • The authors also discuss the differences between good behavior that’s due to profit motive and good behavior that’s due to true altruism.
  • The authors argue that it is much easier to raise charity funds with personal stories than with statistics and data.
  • The author discusses how, due to the power of unintended consequences, the best fixes are often the simplest and cheapest. Examples of this are the polio vaccine; the practice of hand washing by doctors; and the seatbelt.

About the Authors

Steven D. Levitt is an American economist and professor at the University of Chicago. He is renowned for his research in the field of microeconomics, particularly applying economic principles to unconventional topics.

Stephen J. Dubner is an American author, journalist, and podcast host. He is best known for his collaboration with Steven Levitt on the Freakonomics series. In addition to writing, he is the host of the popular podcast “Freakonomics Radio,” where he and Levitt explore economic concepts and their applications in various areas of life.

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Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “Save the Cat” by Blake Snyder

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You might or might not have heard of the book Save the Cat!: The Last Book on Screenwriting You’ll Ever Need by Blake Snyder, but if you’ve ever made a serious attempt to write or market a screenplay, you probably have. I am no screenwriting expert, but I don’t know of any more specific, practical advice on the topic, and I be very surprised if you could find a more entertainingly-written one.

Read it because it is the one book you need to read if you want to write a movie. Or, read it because you want to understand movies better, and note the formula as you come across it in your own recreational viewing.

Key Takeaways

  • Good screenplays follow a fairly rigid formula. When writing a screenplay, learn it deeply and follow it closely.
  • Here is that winning formula: page one: opening image; page five: theme stated; pages 1-10: setup (including six things that need fixing); page twelve: catalyst; pages 12-25: debate; page 25: break into Act Two; page 30: the B story; page 30-35: fun and games; page 55: midpoint; page 55-75: bad guys close in; page 75: all is lost; page 75-85: dark night of the soul; page 85: break into Act Three; page 85-110: finale; page 110: final image.
  • The screenplay’s logline needs five things: irony, a compelling mental picture, the audience, the cost, and a killer title.
  • During Act One, bring in “six things that need fixing”–are callbacks or running gags that are introduced early in the story and get wrapped up by the end.
  • During Act Two, bring in “fun and games”: “–the area of the movie with the “set pieces” where the hero is shown to be playing out the results of their choices and the premise. This is where the girl and the boy are falling in love, where the here is engaged in combat training, where the hero is enjoying their new friends and environment and learning the ropes and the like.
  • At the midpoint, there should be a false high to match the false low at climax/”all is lost” moment.
  • In Act Three, the “all is lost” moment should include a “whiff of death.” This is a moment in which something–anything, even a petunia!–is shown to die.
  • In Act One, consider using a “save the cat” moment–a moment in which the hero does something that will endear them to the audience, such as saving a cat’s life.
  • Also in Act One, consider using the “pope in the pool” technique. This is when you use a compelling or unexpected visual backdrop to help the viewer through a boring backstory, such as the movie in which the Pope discussed the backstory while swimming.
  • Don’t use “double mumbo jumbo.” You can’t have aliens and zombies in the same movie: only one suspension of disbelief is allowed. That’s because this one condition is the one the theme explores, and adding more is just cheating.
  • Limit the time spent on set-up. Audiences can only stand so much pipe laying.
  • Don’t use too many gimmicks. A little goes a long way.
  • Danger must be immediate or quickly approaching, not slowly approaching (“watch out for that glacier!”).
  • All of the main characters except the villain must grow and change, at least somewhat–not just the hero.
  • The hero must be proactive. They must make a decision or multiple decisions that lead to the furthering of the plot. Otherwise, they’re just a passive recipient of bad luck, and we are not as invested in their story.
  • Don’t talk the plot. Show, don’t tell.
  • Make bad guy badder. It’s okay! Your main character can handle it!
  • The plot should not just move forward evenly, but intensify as it moves to create a strong dramatic climax.
  • Show different facets of the main problem. Don’t assume the viewer just gets it. As the song says, “turn, turn, turn.”
  • Use the emotional color wheel; appeal to a wide range of emotions.
  • Don’t use boring, flat dialogue, even if it is more realistic. Movie characters don’t speak quite like us; they’re special. There should be uniqueness and personality in every spoken line.
  • Give every character “a limp and an eye patch”–certain distinct, memorable qualities that help viewer distinguish them, like character shorthand.

About the Author

Blake Snyder was a screenwriter and author most known for his influential book Save the Cat!: The Last Book on Screenwriting You’ll Ever Need, which provided a popular framework for screenwriting and story structure. Snyder’s formula has been used consistently since, and his other entertaining works about entertainment are popular as well.

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Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker

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I wasn’t entirely sure I’d like The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker. I know what fear is; what else is there to say? Turns out, quite a bit. Fear isn’t what I thought it was, says de Becker. It’s not worry, anxiety, or sudden emotional reactions to scary moments. Instead, it’s the healthy, life-sustaining, adaptive, instinctive physical and emotional response that occurs when your life or health is experiencing a true threat.

Read this book to learn about the ways fear can help you survive and thrive–and how to use this helpful instinct to your advantage.

Key Takeaways

  • This book explores the nature of fear and how people can better recognize and respond to potential threats. It relates many stories about people in life-or-death situations who responded correctly to their sudden fear reaction. One woman, for example, left her home after an attack with an instinctive knowing her attacker planned to kill her, even though he told her he would not. It was only later she realized how she knew: he closed the bedroom window before leaving the room.
  • When something feels wrong, it probably is, the author writes. Listen to your intuitive knowing that you might be in danger. Instinct, which is based on unconsciously held background knowledge and unconsciously gathered information in the immediate environment, is more often right than reason, which doesn’t draw from as many sources of information.
  • “Satellites” are comments thrown into a conversation seemingly at random. They come from the subconscious and should be explored seriously. They often provide the answer to a question of safety. An example of a satellite: In an offhand way during the author’s conversation with a woman receiving written threats, she mentioned a new friend she had made recently while considering selling her house. That man was the person making the threats, and intended to buy her house.
  • Fear and anxiety are very different. Fear happens in response to real danger. Anxiety is worry in the face of uncertainty, and can be about almost anything. It is about predictions in which you have little confidence. By contrast … “Predictions about which you have high confidence free you to respond, adjust, feel sadness, accept, prepare, or do whatever is needed.”
  • Worry is not informative, but fear is very informative. Always listen to real fear. “The very fact that you fear something means that it’s not happening.” It always involves a future prediction. Remembering that will help you not panic.
  • The author also quotes Helen Keller, who said, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Whatever challenges we face, we need to believe we can overcome them.

About the Author

Gavin de Becker is a security specialist and consultant who has advised high-profile clients, including government officials, celebrities, and corporations. His book The Gift of Fear emphasizes the importance of listening to one’s intuition and situational awareness to stay safe in potentially dangerous situations. Becker’s other books include Protecting the Gift and Fear Less. De Becker is recognized for his work in assessing and managing potential threats, providing protection strategies, and analyzing patterns of violence. He emphasizes the importance of trusting our intuition as a valuable tool for detecting danger and taking proactive steps to protect ourselves and others.

De Becker’s career began in the field of security in the 1970s when he worked as a security guard. He later founded Gavin de Becker & Associates, a consulting firm specializing in security and risk assessment for high-profile individuals, government agencies, and corporations. The firm provides services such as threat assessment, executive protection, and consultation on stalking cases.

As a speaker, de Becker has delivered presentations and training sessions to diverse audiences, including law enforcement agencies, corporations, and government organizations. He shares his insights on personal safety, violence prevention, and risk management.

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“The Power of Acceptance” Now Available at Walmart

For a day, a week, even a month at a time, she had the feeling continuously. She had it while she read, while she drove, while she ate, and while she played with her child. Which is why each time the feeling left, it was a great disappointment.

It was the feeling of connection with the Divine, and one spiritual seeker wanted to hold on to it forever. But how?

What was the key to continuous meditation?

In this year-long journal, one woman shares her attempt to do a sitting meditation each day, then remain in the state of meditation as much as possible after that.

Featuring interviews on meditation from long-time practitioners, The Power of Acceptance isn’t a meditation prescription, but rather a personal story of one woman’s spiritual struggles … and breakthroughs.

Get your copy at Amazon or your other online retailer of choice, or be one of the first to purchase it from Walmart. And, if possible, don’t forget to leave a review.

Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “How to Become a Famous Writer Before You’re Dead” by Ariel Gore

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Ariel Gore might or might not be a famous author. I suppose it depends on how you define the term. However, How to Become a Famous Writer Before You’re Dead by this experienced author offers solid advice for the professional writer (famous or not).

Read it because you’re curious what it takes to be a published author, and you want to learn about the publishing part, not just the writing part.

Key Takeaways

  • In this book, experienced nonfiction author Ariel Gore offers practical tips and advice on both writing and publishing, encouraging not-yet-established writers to be professional, consistent, and constantly growing.
  • Self-publish on any scale, Gore advises. The journey is the destination.
  • Find an agent who publishes/reads what you write.
  • Go longhand. You’ll edit less, and choose words more carefully.
  • Get a book on proposal writing.
  • Try this exercise: Write a story using no adjectives or adverbs. It might help you break the habit of overdescribing.
  • Rush it! Try writing a whole book in a month. This can give you a sense of accomplishment and confidence in your abilities.
  • Don’t use words that mean “said.” use “said,” or leave quotes bare.
  • Don’t use words like plethora, myriad, or sleepily. Show, don’t tell.
  • Consider getting published in an anthology initially. Alternatively, create a zine or a blog to get published on a regular basis.

About the Author

Ariel Gore is a writer and editor known for her memoirs and non-fiction works. Her books include Atlas of the Human Heart, The Hip Mama Survival Guide, and We Were Witches. Gore is recognized for her unique and honest storytelling style, often exploring themes of feminism, motherhood, alternative lifestyles, and personal growth.

As an educator, Gore has taught writing workshops and classes at various institutions, including the University of New Mexico, the Institute of American Indian Arts, and The Attic Institute. She is known for her nurturing and empowering approach to teaching writing, particularly to marginalized voices.

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Can’t quite get to all the nonfiction and self-help books that interest you? Read Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday here.