The importance of physical activity is one of my soap-box topics. I love that as a homeschooling family we have the time to take bike rides and long walks during the day.
No one is saying your child should become an all-star. But learning the basics of a wide variety of sports helps them understand their options and almost certainly find something they truly enjoy.
Physical Education Checklist
Important:
Volleyball
Soccer
Baseball
Football
Basketball
Badminton
Tennis
Swimming
Running (with proper form)
Roller Skating
Ice Skating
Biking
Dance
Hiking
Yoga
Hide and Seek
Capture the Flag
Tag
Sardines
Dodge Ball
Kick the Can
Obstacle Courses
I remember learning basic biology in school. It was a long time ago, and yet, most of this stuff stuck. It’s everywhere, after all–in the news, in other books. And yet, after creating this list, I was struck by the fine delineations, especially regarding the differences between genes, genetic traits, chromosomes, alleles, and DNA. Interesting review here.
Basic Biology Knowledge Checklist
Living thing: Living things need air (though different gases are needed by different living things), water and nutrients; they grow; they have metabolism; they reproduce; they die; they are made up of cells; and they have these visible attributes: a distinct orientation (head and tail, top and bottom), symmetry, fine structure and detail, and a tenuous quality (meaning certain conditions must be met to preserve them; in other words, they can die).
Classification/taxonomy: Organizing things into groups according to their shared features. A living things is classified according to its domain, kingdom, phylum (if animal) or division (if plant), class, order, family, genus, species, and subspecies (race, breed, or variety).
The three domains of life: Bacteria, archaea and eukaryota. There are about ten eukaryota kingdoms, including plants, animals and fungi.
Plant kingdom: Made up of the living things that get energy from the sun
Animal kingdom: Made up of the living things that get energy from living, biological food
The human taxonomy: Eukaryota domain, animal kingdom, chordates phylum (since they have a stiff rod that supports the body), the mammal class, the omnivore order, the homo sapiens species and various races of subspecies
Common name: Name commonly used for a species of animal or plant
Biological name: Official name of an animal or plant. Usually in Latin and made up of the genus and species name, but sometimes also contains the name of the sub-species.
Species: Subgroup whose members can mate and reproduce offspring of their kind
Life cycle: Stages of growth and development of living things. Different for different species. (Frogs have a tadpole stage and caterpillars have a cocoon stage, for example.)
Generation: All members of a species bearing offspring around the same time
Male: Boy offspring; fertilizes the egg
Female: Girl offspring; produces eggs and sometimes births the offspring
Reproduction: In animals, the producing of offspring by parents
Sexual reproduction: Reproduction involving two parents, one male and one femaleAsexual reproduction: Reproduction involving only one parent
Fertilization: Adding DNA to the egg that starts its growth
Mating: The pairing of opposite-sex animals that results in fertilization
Food chain: A series of plants and animals that use each other for food. It starts with a plant that gets food from the sun, then continues with the animal that eats that plant and so on.
Food web: A series of interlinked food chains. Creates interdependence.
Cell: Smallest unit of living matter, but still visible under a microscope. (Try looking at a thin slice of onion membrane.)
Mitosis: Cell division resulting in two genetically identical cells, each with a set of the same chromosomes. Happens when the nucleus of the cell divides.
Cytokinesis: The second stage of cell division in which the cell plate forms to divide the two cells
Fungi: Living things that lack chlorophyll and feed on living and dead things
Bacteria: A type of single-celled organism that exists everywhere on earth. Most types have not been studied.
Protozoa: Single-celled eukaryotes that feed on organic matter
Amoeba: A type of protozoa, fungi, algae or animal that can change shape, usually by extending out pseudopods (fluid-filled sacs in the shape of arms or tentacles)
Excretion: The elimination of metabolic waste
Parasite: Living thing that feeds on other living things and also uses them as their home
Host: The living thing that homes and feeds a parasite
Homeostasis: Biological equilibrium, when a living thing’s internal conditions (such as temperature and mineral levels) are steady
Decomposition: The process by which organic substances break down into small pieces, which then get recycled
Dormant: Asleep; not dead but not reproducing, as a dormant seed
Evolution: The long series of changes that happen to all living things
Extinction: The dying out of a species
Natural selection: The natural process by which some species adapt and survive and others die out
Artificial selection: The human-controlled process by which some species change and survive and others die out
Mass extinction: The large-scale dying out of many species (and biodiversity) on earth. Happens due to major weather changes brought on by major events, like an astroid hitting the earth.
Adaptation: The process by which a species changes over time to adapt and survive
Biomass: The combined weight of all living things of a certain type in a certain area. The biomass of plants is higher than of animals. At each level of the food chain, the biomass is lower.
Basic Genetics Knowledge Checklist
Genetics: The study of genes and heredity
Gene: The instructions inherited from parents that tell the body how to develop a particular characteristic or characteristics in the body (what qualities that characteristic will have). They are in every cell of the body (except red blood cells).
Genetic trait: A single trait that is expressed due to the instructions of the related gene. There can be multiple traits expressed by a single gene.
Heredity: All the traits passed from parents to their offspring
Genome: All of the genetic material of an organism (DNA or RNA)
Gene map: Shows the arrangement of the genes on a chromosome
Chromosome: The bundles that hold all of the individual genes. They are stored in the cell’s nucleus. Humans have 46 chromosomes: 2 sets of 23. Each chromosomes holds many, many genes.
DNA: Dioxyribonucleic acid. The chemical makeup of the genes. Always in a paired double strand and in the shape of a double helix.
RNA: Ribonucleic acid. This molecule reads and regulates genes. Sometimes called a messenger.
Nature and nurture: Heredity and environment. Both produce characteristics of an individual living thing, but how they interact is usually often unknown.
X and Y chromosomes: The chromosomes that determine gender. Everyone has one X chromosome, but males have a Y and females have a second X.
Dominant gene: The gene in the gene pair (the allele) that dominates the recessive one, and therefore gets expressed in the organism. Most genes are either dominant or recessive.
Recessive gene: The gene in the gene pair (the allele) that does not dominate the other. The recessive gene is expressed only when there are two associated recessives present, one from each parent.
Co-dominance: Occurs when the contributions of both genes are visible in the organism
Allele: One of the two associated genes in a gene pair
Homozygote: Both of the alleles of a gene (both copies of a gene) are the same
Heterozygote: The alleles of a gene (both copies of a gene) are the same
Carrier: An organism that has a recessive allele for a genetic trait but does not display it. Can pass the allele onto offspring, who will express it if they inherit the same one from both parents.
DNA profiling/genetic fingerprinting: Determining an individual’s unique DNA code, usually by sampling a particular section of it
Genetic engineering/modification: The direct manipulation of an organism’s genes using biotechnology
GMO: Genetically modified organism
Gene splicing/ recombinant DNA (rDNA): DNA molecules formed in a lab bringing together genes from separate organisms
Cloning: Producing genetically identical individuals of an organism either naturally or artificially. In nature, many organisms produce clones through asexual reproduction.
Parts of a plant cell: Cell wall; cell membrane; cytoplasm containing chloroplasts, chromoplasts, other organelles and the nucleus; a large vacuole containing water, sugar and other dissolved substances
Photosynthesis: The process plants use to make food. Steps: 1. Leaves, roots and stem take in water, sunlight and CO2. Chloroplasts in leaf cells contain chlorophyll which absorbs sun’s energy. Energy is used to combine H2O and CO2 to make carbohydrates and oxygen. Some of this can be stored as starch. The carbs and oxygen are then used to release energy, CO2 and water. At night, there is only respiration using stored energy. In daytime, photosynthesis is faster than respiration, so more energy is stored.
Roots: network of string-like structures (fibrous roots) or tap roots (like carrots). Absorb water, nutrients, anchors the plant.
Parts of a root: Primary root; secondary roots; root hairs; root cap
Types of roots: Fibrous roots (many equal-sized primary roots); advetitious roots (roots that grow out of the stem, like the hairs on an onion bulb); aerial roots (as in ivy); prop roots (for trees)
Stems: Transports nutrients; include trucks, vines, central points of grass
Parts of a stem: Buds (small growth that becomes a new shoot or a flower); shoots (new stems that grow off the main stem); main stem
Leaves: Food-making parts of plants. Leaves have veins and holes on their undersides to let in water and air. These can open and close. Note that leaves include pine needles.
Vascular tissue: Carries food and water through the plant
Bark: Dead protective tissue on the outside of a tree. Bark is formed in a living layer underneath the current layer after that layer gets pushed out by the new rings that are forming. It has tiny raised openings that provide oxygen and CO2 exchange, and it protects the tree from disease and helps hold in moisture. Since it can’t grow, it peels off and new bark is formed underneath.
Heartwood: The oldest rings of the tree; can’t transport water anymore
Sapwood: The newer rings; still transport water
Annual ring:A single layer of secondary thickening in an older plant, which takes one year to form
Seed: Has an embryo, food supply and protective coat. Seedlings grown in the dark are different from those grown in the light. Grow taller to seek light, but are weaker structurally. Seed gets energy from storage, not sun, but shoots require sun.
Flowers: Enable reproduction by containing male and female sex cells (gametes). Parts: petals that produce nectar to attract insects needed for pollination; stamens (the male part which contain pollen); and the carpel or pisitil (the female part that contains ovules in their ovary and can trap pollen). Some plants have male and female parts in all their flowers. Others have flowers of each type, and others have only male or female flowers, and need to be cross-pollinated with another plant of their genus or species.
Fruit: The part of the flowering plant that holds the seeds. This includes nuts, succulent fruits, berries, pods (like pea pods), kernels (like wheat kernels) and more.
Cones: The part of conifer trees that hold the seeds. They start out open, then after pollination, close up. When the seeds are ripe and the weather is warm and dry, the scales open and drop the fertilized seeds so they can find dirt to grow in. The cones then remain on the plant for a year or so. Note that conifers have male and female flowers and self-pollinate. Seeds are dispersed through animal excrement, wind, water and catching on animal fur.
Asexual reproduction: Reproduction that doesn’t involve a male and female sex cell. Algae, ferns and mosses do this because they don’t have flowers. But some use spores to reproduce also, alternating sexual and asexual reproduction.
Vegetative reproduction/vegetative propagation: When a plant can reproduce itself by itself asexually. Examples: plants that grow from bulbs (like tulips), from runners (like strawberries), from tubers (like potatoes), from cuttings and even from just a few cells (as in a lab). Note that for growing from cuttings, the cutting might need to stand in water and grow roots first before being planted in dirt.
Reproductive structures of plants: Flowers, cones, and spore capsules. Divisions (phylums) are made in the plant kingdom according to the form of the reproductive structures.
Anthers: male part of reproductive structrues; produce pollen
Ovaries: female part of flower – contains eggs that get pollinated by anthers, grows into the fruit, with each egg a seed.
Pollination: The transfer of pollen from the male part of a plant to the female part of the plant
Growth season: One year of a plant’s life
Plant lifecycle types: Annuals (die out except the seed each year); biennials (die in two years); herbaceous perennials (roots live many years but above ground parts die each year); woody perennials (most of parts above and below ground live on); ephemerals (very short lifecycles)
Dormant: Still alive but not actively growing; a seed. To see if a seed is still alive, try to grow it.
Germination: The waking up of a dormant seed
Soil: Dirt that is suitable for plant growth
Tropism: A plant “sense”
Autotropism: The ability (as of a plant) to make one’s own food
Geotropism: The ability (as of a plant) to sense gravity. Plants grow away from gravity, even if the soil is upside-down.
Phototropism: The ability (as of a plant) to sense light.
Thigmotropism: The ability (as of a plant) to sense touch.
Deciduous tree: Tree that loses its leaves each year
Evergreen tree: Tree that doesn’t shed its leaves all at once. They have tough, waxy leaves that don’t lose as much water.
Fungi: Not plants, but plant-like. Grow in damp and dark. No chlorophyll, so feed on dead or living things. Inc: mold, yeast, mushrooms. Some are helpful, as yeast and cheese mold. Some are poisonous to animals and plants.T
Angiosperm: Plant that produce flowers
Hydrophyte: Plant that grow in water. Include algae, seaweed, lily pads and more
Waterlogged: Oversaturated with water. Water-holding capacity is better for rich soil but poorer for sandy soil.
Aeration: The air flow to plant roots. Roots need oxygen, though plants take in CO2 and give off oxygen. Leaves transport sugar but can’t transport oxygen.
Drought: An extended dry period
Erosion: Bare soil exposed to elements. Prevent it by maintaining a vegetation cover. Erosion lowers soil quality since topsoil is richest.
Soil management: Maintaining proper balance of soil nutrients, airflow and water in soil
Soil conservation: Erosion prevention
Crop rotation: Rotating crops in order to balance the mineral levels in the soil since plants use and add different amounts of various minerals as they grow
Basic Zoology Knowledge Checklist
Parts of an animal cell: Cell membrane (no cell wall like plants have); cytoplasm; organelles, including mitrochondria, which convert substances into energy for the cell, vacuoles, which house fats and liquids, the nucleus, which controls everything that happens in the cell, and the Golgi complex, which stores and distributes the substances that are made inside the cell (the warehouse). Cell also has centrioles, ribosomes to build proteins, and lysosomes. Note: See a picture of cell division to view these stages. Also note that different cells specialize according to their job.
Tissue: Cells of the same type combined together to do a particular job
Organ: Tissues of different types working together to do a particular job
System: Organs of different types working together to do a particular job
Body structures of animals: Most have a fluid-filled cavity and a skeleton to hold the cavity in place and allow for movement. All have an outer layer to enclose their bodies, which can be skin, an exoskeleton, a cuticle, scales, shells, prickles, fur and more. Animals also have a part or parts of the body to provide for locomotion, such as fins, flippers, wings, legs, etc.
Biped: Animal with two legs
Quadraped: Animal with four legs
Vertebrate: Animal with a backbone
Invertebrate: Animal with no backbone (as a snail)
Arthropod: Animal with an external skeleton/ exoskeleton (as a grasshopper)
Warm-blooded animal: Animal that can regulate its body temperature
Cold-blooded animal: Animal whose temperature changes with its environment
Herbivore: An animal that eats only plants
Carnivore: An animal that eats only meat
Omnivore: An animal that eats both plants and meat
Types of animal communication: Body language, such as preening or dancing; making noises, such as using vocal cords or rubbing body parts together; sending out chemical messages through pheremones or by spraying; and changing color.
Parts that animals use to sense their environment: Eyes; ears; specialized body parts for sensing balance; specialized body parts for sensing water pressure and currents; whiskers; tentacles; taste buds; parts for detecting electric pulses given off by other creatures (sharks do this). Note that birds may be able to sense Earth’s magnetic field and use it for migration, too. Also, animals detect gravity.
Types of animal reproduction: Animals either lay eggs (before or after fertilization) or give birth to live young
Larva: The form some animals take before beginning metamorphosis
Pupa: A hard shell that forms on larva inside of which metamorphosis occurs
Metamorphosis: The total restructuring of an animal’s body, sometimes inside a pupa or cocoon
Hibernation: A period of inactivity in some animals that includes the slowing of the metabolism
Migration: The large-scale movement of a species from one place to another
Lots of people will tell you that learning a new language is easy. And it can be . . . but it usually isn’t. The problem isn’t with the actual difficulty of the language, though. The problem is that we don’t practice.
Unless you live among native speakers, it’s a problem that’s not easily remedied. My suggestion: every few months (more if you’re in a hurry), play some audio recordings of words with translations or children’s music in the car on repeat. Language learning is not an all-at-once thing; you’ll need lots of time and repetition to let it sink in. If possible, be casual about it, but be consistent.
If you’re a person who enjoys reading and writing, copy your word lists onto flash cards or foldable lists. Personally, I spend countless hours writing and rewriting my lists when in full-on language learning mode.
You can also make games out of your vocabulary words–all kinds of fun games. At the end of this post I provide a story you can tell your kids that incorporates practice and repetition (theirs or yours).
Complete Beginners’ Spanish Word List
Greetings
Hello: Hola
Good morning: Buenas dias
Good afternoonL Buenas tardes
Good evening: Buenas noches
Goodbye: Adios; chau
What is your name?: Como se llama?
My name is …: Me llamo; mi nombre es …
Pleasure to meet you. Mucho gusto.
How are you: Como esta (for a less familiar person); Como estas (for a more familiar person); Como esta usted (for a formal situation or older person)
Where are you from: De donde viene
I’m from …: Soy de …
See you later: Hasta luego.
See you tomorrow: Hasta manana
Almost-Free Words
Important: Importante
Interesting: Interesante
Perfect: Perfecto
Excellent: Excellente
Exclamations
Thank you very much: Muchas gracias
You’re welcome: De nada
Execuse Me: Disculpe; perdoname; con permiso
Goodness: Caramba
Please: Por favor
I’m sorry: Lo siento
Forgive me: Disculpe
Help me: Ayudame
Danger: Peligro
Forbidden: Prohibito
No smoking: No se fuma
Fire: Fuego; incendio
Emergency: Emergencia
Hurry up: Appurase; rapido
For sale: Se vende
For rent: Se alguila
Look: Mira
Stop: Pare
Watch out: Cuidado
That’s fine: Esta bien
Go away: Dejeme
Bienvenido: Welcome
Oops: Opa (an expression from Greek)
True: Verdad
Of course: Por supresto
It’s okay/don’t worry about it: Tranquila; no se preculpe
Are you sure: Seguro
What do you mean: Como
How do you say: Como se dice
At what time: A que hora
Qual es: Which is it
Small Words
Me, I—mi, yo
You—tu (familiar) usted
They, them; ellos o ellas
This—-esta
That—este
Now—ahora
Because—por que
But—pero
For—para
To—a
Actually—-En verdad
The—la, e, los, las (depending on gender)
In—por, en
We/us—nosotrous
a—un, una
never—nunca
only—solo
alone—solamente
maybe—quisas o tal vez
Equal—iqual
Without—sin
She-he—-ella, el
Their—su
Her’s/his.—la , le
Your—tu (familiar form)
Other—otra
Also—tambien
Yes/no —si y no (shaking one finger is the most common form of no in South America—the index finger)
Therefore—por lo tanto
Then—entonces
Of the —del
Per—por
Like/similar to—paracido
Here—(different words used depending on distance aqui, aji, alla)
Together —-conmigo, contigo (familiar)
Quite—bastante
Verbs
To be—Ser (permanent): soy, son, es; estar (less permanent): estoy, esta
To do—hacer…hago, hace
To feel—Sentir sineto , sienta
To be there—hay
To want—querer, quiero, quiere, quieres
To like—Gusta, me gusto, se gusta
To go (irregular verb) voy, vas, viene,
To live—vivir—vivo, vives, viva
To eat—comer como, comes, come
To drink—For non-alcoholic beverages: Tomar: tomo, tomes, tome; For alcohol: Beber …bebo, bebes, bebe
To cost—cuesta
To carry/transport—Llevar
To Exit—salida( noun)
To Arrive:—Llegar, llego, llegas, llega
To park: Estacionar
To Wait: Esperar, espero, espero, esperamos
To speak: Hablar, hablo, hables, habla
To say—digo, dices, dice
To stay put—quedar, quedense (command form)
To Help—ayudar, ayudo, ayudas, ayuda
To be able/capable—Puedar, puedo, puedes, puede
To understand—entender entiendo, entiendes, entiende
To comprehend—Comprender, comprendo, comprendes, comprende
To Hope—Esperar, espero, esperes, espere
To know/be acquainted with (person) Conocer, conozco, conoces, conoce
To know (facts) Saber, se, sabes, sabe
To charge/exchange—Cambiar, cambio,
To travel—viajer, viajo, viege
To close—Cierrar
to find—encountrar
to wash—lavar, lavo (clothes)
to clean—limpiar, limpio,
to buy—comprar, compro, ustead compra
to sit—sentar
to smoke—fumar
to take—tomer
to walk—cambiar-=–cambio, cambias, cambia
to search for—buscar, busco, buscas, busca
to see—ver veo, ve
To give—dar, doy, da
To pay—pagar, pago, paga
To sign—firmar, firmo, firme
To need—necesitar, necesito, necesita
To cook—cocinar cocino, cocina
To reserve—reservar,
To confirm—confirmar
Include—incluye
To take a photo—sacrar una foto
To Call—llamar, llamo
Prohibitied—prohibito
To accept—acceptar, acepto
To sleep—dormir,duermo,duerma
To work—trabajar, trabajo, trabaja
To think—pensar, penso
To believer—creer, creo, cree
To stop—parar
To return—volver
To sell—vender,vendo, vende
To exit—salir, salgo
To come—venior, vegno, viene
To lose—perder, pierdo, pierde
To win—ganar, gano, unstead gana
To study—estudiar, studio
To dance—baillar, bailo, bailas
To sing—cantar, canto, canta
To play—jugar..juego, juega
To hate—odiar
To love—-amar, encantar, encanto, encanta
Descriptions
Large—grande,
Small—pequeno
Afraid—austado
Fast—rapido
Slow—despacio o despacito
Good—bueno, bien
Bad—mal, malo
Pretty—bonita
Handsome—guapo (word also means hard working in some contexts)
Fat—gordo
Thin—flaco
Tall—alto
Short—corto
Open—abierto
Closed—cerrado
Personal—personal
Better—mejor
Best—primer
Hot—caliente (refers to heat, piquante refers to spicy)
Cold—frio
Exact—exacto
Special—especial
The same—mismo
Different—differente
Cheap—burato
Expensive—carro
Necessary—necesito (this is a verb, not an adjective) Necesito eso, or necesita eso (you need this)
Not necessary—no necesito
Joven—young
Difficult—dificil
Easy—facil
Modern—moderna
Old—viejo
Classic—classico
Weak—debil
Strong—fuerte
Oldest—mejor
Youngest—menor
Ready—listo
Light—ligero
Heavy—pesada
Perfect—perfecto
Excellent—excelente
Private—privado
Stupid—estupido
Smart—intelligente
Late—tarde
New—nuevo
Logical—logico
Strange/weird—extrano
Interesting—interesante
Wet—mojado
Dry—seca
Second hand—segundo
Busy—ocupado
Quiet—tranquilo
Dangerous—peligro
Safe—seguro
Available—disparsible
Tired—cansado
Broken—roto
Important—importante
Sure—seguro
Worried—preoccupado
Fun—divertito
Happy—felix
Sad—triste
Shy—-timido
Often—frequentamente
People and Animals
Grandfather—abuelo
Gandmogther—abuela
Father—padre
Mother—madre
Secretary—secretaria
Waiter—amarero
Miss—senorita
Mister—senior
Mrs—senora
Family—familia
Relative—familiares
Police—policia
Military—gendarmo
Everyone—todos las personas
No on—nadia
Person—persona
Boy—nino
Girl—nina
Children—ninas, ninos
Baby—bebe
Husband—espouso
Wife—espousa
Girlfriend—novia
Boyfriend—novio
Dog—perro
Cat—gato
Cousins—primos
Nieces/nephews—sobrainas,sobrinos
Uncle/aunt—tio, tia
Men/man– hombres, hombre
Women/woman—mujeres
Daughters—hijas
What—que
What is it—que es esto
Where —donde esta
How much—cuanto?
Who—quien
Who is it?—quien es
Which—cual
How—como
Why—por que
Why not—por que no
What time is it? Que hora es?
Colors
Black—negro
White—blanco
Blue—azul
Red—rojo
Yellow—amarillo
Green—verde (careful in using this description, though: some things that are green are considered dirty, i.e. pornography or a “green” magazine)
Pink—rosado
Purple—purpuereo
Orange—naranja
Places
Museum—museo
Bookstore—libroria
Bakery—panaderia
Department store—almacia
Country—campo (refers to terrain/geography)
City—ciudad
Home—casa
Exchange store—casa de cambio
Address—direction
Movies—cine
Restaurant—ristorante
Parking lot—estacionamonte
Café—cafeteria
Bar—taberna
Bank—banko
Hotel—hotel
Hostess—hostel
Room—cuarto
Bathroom—bano
Bus stop—parade de autobus
Entrance—entrada
Exit—salida
Supermarket—supermercados
Mall—cinto commercial
Shoe store—zapateria
Hospital—hospital
Police station—comisaria
Post office—el correo
Pharmacy—farmacia
Embassy—embajada
Place—lugar, parte, locale
School—escuela secendaria (secondary school); escuela escuela primaria (grade school)
Building—edificio
Hungry—hambre
Thirsty—sed
Food—comida
To eat—comer
Drink –beber o tomar
Coffee—café
Milk—leche
Cream—crema
Water—aqua
Ice—hielo
Miner water—aqua mineral
Sugar—azucar
Tea—te
Soft drink—gaseosa
Bottle of wine—una botella de vino
Red/white wine—tino /blanco vino
Salt—sal
Pepper—pimiento
Mustard—mostaza
Oil—accete
Vinegar—vinagre
Garlic—ajo
Soup—sopa
Noodles—fideos
Chicken—pollo
Meat—carne
Vegetables—verduras
Fruit—fruitas
Seaford—mariscos
Fish—pescado
Cold veggie soup—gazpacho
Banana—banana
Orange—naranja
Apple—manzana
Tangerine—mandarina
Pineapple—pina o anana
Mango—mango
Avocado—aquacate
Onion—cebolla
Turkey—pabo
Tomato—tomato
Sausages—chorizo
Ham—jamon
Rice—arroz
Corn—maiz
Beans—frijoles
Juice—jugo
Lemonade—limonada
Cider—cidra
Flour—harina
Bread—-pan
Ice cream—helado
Chocolate—chocolate
Vanilla—vanilla
Strawberry—fresa
Pastry—pastel
Cookies—galletas
Custard—flan
Milk shake—batido de leche
Espresso—un expreso
Cheese—queso
Eggs—huevos
Butter—mantequilla o Manteca
Margarine—margarina
Whisky—whiskey
Beer—cerveza
Alcohol—alcohol
Tuna—atun
Lobster—langusta
Sardines—sardines
Salmon—salmon
Bacon–tocino
Broth—caldo
Stew—guiso
Steak—chursasco, carne
BBQ—churrasco , churro
Tenderloin—tourneados
Roast beef—rosbef
Pork—cerdo
Toast—tostada
Grilled—parrilla
Baker—Horneado,
Mashed potatoes—pueredo papas
Potatoes—papas (careful to use las papas because the word is feminine. El Papa refers to the pope)
French Fries—papas fritas
Chicken breast—suprema de pollo
Salami—salarme
Breakfast—desayuno
Lunch—almuerzo
Soysauce—salsa d soya
Liquids—liquidos
Fry—frita
Grill—parilla
Salad—ensalada
Restaurant Words
Plate—un plato
Cup—una taza/copa
Glass—vaso
Teaspoon—una cuchariva
Spoon—cuchara
Fork—tenedor
Knkife—cuchillo
A can —una lata
Box—una lajo
A jar—un pomo
Menu—la carta
What is today’s special?—Cual es el plato del dia
Reservation—reservacion
Table—mesa
I’dlike to order—quisiera pedar
Bill—-la cuenta
Fast to go—comida para llevar
Fast food—comida rapida
Directions
Where/there—aqui, aji
Here is—aqui tiene
Right—derecha
Left—izquierda
Straight—derecho
One block—una cuadrenta
Turn—gire
Corner—ciquina
Opposite from—frenta a
Next to—junto a
In Front—frente
In back—al antes
Everywhere—en todas partes
No where—ninguna parte
Far—lejos
Close—cerca
North—norte
South—sur
East—este
West—oeste
Highway—carretera
Lost—perdido
Upstairs—arriba
Downstairs—abajo
Separate—aparte
Together—contigo,conmigo
Times
Time—tiempo
Hour—hora
Day—dia
Week—semana
Month—la mesa
Year—ano
Today—hoy
Evening/night—noche
First—primero
Second—segundo
Third—tercero
Last—ultimo
Morning—la manana
Yesterday—ayer
Tomorrow—manana
Before—antes
After—despues
Later—despues, lluego
Earlier—antes
Every day—todos las dias
Always—siempre
Never—nunca
1:00—una hora
1;15—la una y quince/cuarta
1:30—uno y media
1:45—cuarto al dos
1:01—la una y una
Date—fecha
The end—el final
Finished—finis
Amounts
More—mas
Less—menos
All—todo
Some—unos
None—nada
That’s all—eso es todo
Kilogram—kilo
Half kilo—medio kelo
Dozen—docena
Approximately—approximente
A bit of—un poco de
Number—numero
Single—individual
Double—doble
Too much/too many—demasiado
Not enough—no bastante
Enough—bastante
Many/much—mucho
Very—muy
A little—poco, poquito
Money Words
Money—dinero
Dollars—dolares
Travelers checks—chequs de viajero
Exchange rate—cambio
Commission—interes
Fee—tarrif
Bills—billetas
Small change—suelto
Signature—la firma
The payment—le debo
Credit card—tarjeta de credito
Cheap—barrata
Price—precio
Discount—discuento
ATM—el cajero
Medicine—medicina
Doctor—-El Doctor
Ambulance—ambulancia
Nurse—enferma
What’s wrong>–Que le pasa
I’m sick—Me siento enfermo
Headache—dolor de la cabeza
Flu—la gripe
It hurts here—me dula aqui
I feel dizzy—tengo mareos nauseas
Pregnant—embarazada
Pain—dolor
Stomach ache—dolor to estomacho
Backache—dolor de espalda
I feel—siento
Diarrhea—diarrhea
Antibiotics—antibioticsos
Allergic—alergico
Vaccinated—vacundo (a)
Travel Words
Passport—passaporte
Documents—documentes
Bag—bolsa
Vacation—vacaciones
Suitcases—maletas
Business trip—viaje de negocios
Baggage cart—carnto para maletas
Room—cuarto, habitacion
Single bed—habatacion con una sola cama
Reservation—reserve
Shower—ducha
Private bath—bano privado
Oceanview—vista del mar
Motocycle—moto
Taxi—taxi
Bus—autobus
Car—auto, coche
Truck—camion
Station—estacion
Ticket—boleta, pasaje
Roadmap—mapa de carreteras, plano de ciudad
Boat—boats,
Port—puerto
Cabin—camarote
Subway—metro
One-way ticket—billete de ida
Round-trip ticket—billete de y vuelta
Departure—partida
Arrival—llegada
Tourism/tourist—turismo, turista
Miscellaneous Words
American—nortemaricano(a)
Englis—ingles
Spanish0—espanol
Grammatical—gramatica
Meaning—signfico
Questions—preguntas
One more time—ulta vez
Femine—feminia
Information—informacion
Life—vida
County –pais (refers to actual country, not a general description)
Age—edad
Word—palabra
World—mundo
Death—muerte
Race—carrera
Competition—competencia
Party—fiesta
Free-libre
Game—juego
Holiday—fiesta
Vacation—vacaciones
Power—poder
Religion—religion
Catholic—catholico
Protestant—protestante
Drama—drama
Information—informacion
Friendship—amistad
“The Spanish Backyard” Story and Game
Harriet and Toby were just regular kids, living in just a regular house. Still, they had what many people don’t: they had a wonderful backyard.
Sometimes their yard was a wide, deep ocean. Other times it was a space station. But Harriet and Toby’s favorite times of all were when the yard became a magical kingdom far away, where anything they spoke in Spanish appeared.
The catch: they had to speak the sentence properly three times in a row.
One day, Harriet and Toby were hungry. They were waiting for their parents to finish cooking a large meal. So, they decided to make food appear in their yard–every kind of food they could imagine.
What do you think Harriet and Toby asked for? What would you want to make appear?
Note to teachers: Here, have your students make sentences with the word list you’re working on currently. Change the scenario to fit the types of words you want to practice. Each time the student gets the sentence right, draw what they said or say, “Look! It’s a …”]
Harriet and Toby continued playing The Spanish Backyard until the sun was all the way down.
Read the rest of this series at Knowledge Checklists: Filling My Educational Gaps, One Subject at a Time.And peruse my full recommended reading list atBooks I Want My Kids to Read Someday.
Here is a collection of the stories I often try to remember at bedtime, but can’t. My plan is to use the handy links in this list to read most of these to you at least several times in the coming years. Also, while you’re still young, I’m going to read you summaries of some of our great ancient stories (like the Illiad and the Odyssey) to give you a jump on classic literature before you’re old enough to read them yourselves.
The links take you to either free, full-text versions of the book or story or free online summaries as appropriate. Just pull up this list on your phone or tablet and your complete children’s literature education is ready to go.
Peter Rabbit and other stories by Beatrix Potter
Where the Sidewalk Ends, Shel Silverstein
The Little Engine that Could, Watty Piper
The Cat in the Hat, Dr. Seuss
How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Dr. Seuss
The Lorax, Dr. Seuss
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, Dr. Seuss
There’s a Wocket in My Pocket, Dr. Seuss
Green Eggs and Ham, Dr. Seuss
The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Willems
Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak
Goodnight, Moon, Margaret Wise Brown
The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle
The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein
The Snowy Day, Ezra Jack Keats
Winnie-the-Pooh, A. A. Milne
Harold and the Purple Crayon, Crockett Johnson
Pipi Longstocking, Astrid Lindgren
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?, Bill Martin, Jr. and Eric Carle
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Judith Viorst
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Madeline, Ludwig Bemelmans
Oh, The Places You’ll Go, Dr. Seuss
James and the Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
Guess How Much I Love You, Sam McBratney
Are You My Mother?, P.D. Eastman
Amelia Bedelia, Peggy Parish
Corduroy, Don Freeman
The Curious George series, H.A. Rey
Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! and other books by Mo Willems
The Frog and Toad series, Arnold Lobel
Miss Nelson Is Back, Harry Allard
Let’s Go All Around the Neighborhood, Patty Thomas and Anthony Rae
Books by Richard Scarry
On the Night You Were Born, Nancy Tillman and Peter Parnall
Everybody Needs a Rock, Byrd Baylor
Once There Were Giants, Martin Waddell and Penny Dale
Love You Forever, Robert Munsch and Sheila McGraw
The Father Bear series, Else Homelund Minarik and Maurice Sendak
The Encyclopedia Brown series, Donald J. Sobol
The Alfie series, Shirley Hughes
I Love You Through and Through, Bernadette Rossetti-Shustak and Caroline Jayne Church
The Monster at the End of This Book, Jon Stone and Michael Smollin
The Berenstain Bears series, Stan and Jan Berenstain
The Magic School Bus series, Joanna Cole and Bruce Degen
Alexander, Who Used to Be Rich Last Sunday, Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz
The Marshmallow Incident Judi Barrett and Ron Barrett
Georgie and the Robbers, Robert Bright
Each Peach Pear Plum, Janet and Allan Ahlberg
This Moose Belongs to Me, Oliver Jeffers
There Was and Old Woman Who Lived in a Glove, Bernard Lodge
The Clifford, the Big Red Dog series, Norman Bridwell
I am not a film buff. Still, I don’t want my kids to miss out on the movies that even today, inform our shared cultural conversation. There’s a lot to learn here about love, hope and coming of age–and about writing an awesome screenplay, too.
Classic Children’s Films
Totoro
Finding Nemo
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Star Wars: A New Hope
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Ghostbusters
Bambi
Sleeping Beauty
The Sound of Music
Beauty and the Beast
Lion King
Aladdin
Little Mermaid
Snow White
Goonies
The Karate Kid
Wizard of Oz
Frozen
The Muppet Movie (original version)
Labrynth
Babe
The Lord of the Rings series
The Chronicles of Narnia series
The Harry Potter series
A Christmas Carol
The Red Balloon
Pinocchio
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the original version)
Home Alone
Home Alone 2
Matilda
The Incredibles
The Neverending Story
How to Train Your Dragon
Wall-E
The Sandlot
The Night Before Christmas
Miracle on 34th Street
Enchanted
The Parent Trap (original version)
Swiss Family Robinson
The Iron Giant
Tangled
A Little Princess
Spirited Away
Moana
Dumbo
Charlote’s Web
Lilo and Stitch
Benji
Alice in Wonderland
Escape to Witch Mountain
Pete’s Dragon
Old Yeller
Winnie the Pooh
Little Women
Hugo
March of the Penguins
A Christmas Story
Children of Heaven
Freaky Friday
Big
The Jungle Book
Cinderella
Pippi Longstocking
The Adventures of Milo and Otis
The Absent-Minded Professor
The Apple Dumpling Gang
Singing in the Rain
Babes in Toyland
The Music Man
Pollyanna
Bee Movie
Oliver!
National Velvet
Bright Eyes
Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines
Lil Abner
The Anne of Green Gables Series
The Anne of Avonlea Series
Classic Films for Older Kids and Adults
West Side Story
7 Brides for 7 Brothers
Oklahoma!
The Princess Bride
Gigi
Vertigo
Rear Window
Psycho
The Birds
The 39 Steps
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
American Psycho
North by Northwest
It’s a Wonderful Life
Pulp Fiction
Memento
American Beauty
To Live
Psycho
The Following
Casablanca
Pi
Fight Club
Being John Malcovich
Swimming Pool
Vertigo
To Catch a Thief
The Three Faces of Eve
Rear Window
Rebel Without a Cause
Beauty and the Beast
Requiem for a Dream
Das Boot
The Train
Mutiny on the Bounty
Il Dulce Vita
Godspell
Brother Sun, Sister Moon
Reservoir Dogs
The Princess and the Warrior
Run Lola Run
Four Rooms
The Bells of St. Mary’s
The African Queen
Jesus Christ, Superstar
Babette’s Feast
American Psycho
Clue
You Can’t Take It With You
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Airplane!
Wild Strawberries
Kill Bill Volumes I & II
Jackie Brown
Raise the Red Lantern
Eat, Drink, Man, Woman
The Unsinkable Molly Brown
Orchestra Rehearsal
Summer of My German Soldier
Roman Holiday
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Alice in Wonderland
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
The Thirty-Nine Steps
The Lady Vanishes
The Gladiator
How Green is My Valley
Doctor Zhivago
From Here to Eternity
American Splendour
On the Waterfront
Cabaret
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Igby Goes Down
An American In Paris
Cries and Whispers
Sophie’s Choice
True Romance
M
Splendor in the Grass
Annie Hall
Night of the Living Dead
The Exorcist
What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
West Side Story
Strangers on a Train
The Wizard of Oz
Return to Oz
Sabrina
Suspicion!
Taxi Driver
Man on the Moon
Adaptation
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Chicago (show)
The Lord of the Flies
East of Eden
The Importance of Being Earnest
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Frankenstein
Les Miserables
Moonstruck
High Art
Wild at Heart
Meet Joe Black
Spellbound
Naked Lunch
Twenty-Eight Days Later
Parents
Parenthood
Lolita
The Lives of Others
Lost Highway
Chinatown
Planet of the Apes
Secretary
Grind House
The Last Days of Disco
Metropolitan
Barcelona
Primer
It Happened One Night
Platoon
The Man Who Knew Too Much
A Scanner Darkly
Love is a Many-Splendored Thing
You Can’t Take It With You
Clockwork Orange
Saturday Night Fever
How the West Was Won
Bandolero
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Crimes and Misdemeanors
8 ½
Barton Fink
Hannah and Her Sisters
Zelig
Radio Days
Gummo
The Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance
A Face in the Crowd
Other Educational Movies, Documentaries and Shows for Children and Adults
Planet Earth
Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego?
Tumble Leaf
Reading Rainbow
Wishbone
Zoom
Beakman’s World
Destination Truth
National Geographic shows
Electric Company
Man vs Wild
How It’s Made
Myth Busters
TED talks
Drive Thru History
Cosmos with Carl Sagan
Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey
Timeshift
Ken Burns: America
The Most Extreme
How the States Got Their Shapes
Dual Survival
America: The Story of Us
Worst Case Scenario
Ancient Discoveries
American Experience
American Masters
Chasing Mummies
Steven Hawking’s SciFi Masters
The Adventures of Captian Hartz
The Unknown War
Castle Secrets and Legends
Get Schooled
Super Structures of the World
United States of America
Joseph Campbell: Myths
Travel with Kids
Through the Wormhole
Bill Nye the Science Guy
But Why podcast
Tumble podcast
Food, Inc.
King Corn
The Future of Food
Food Matters
The 72 Most Dangerous Animals of Latin America
Cosmos with Carl Sagan
The Staircase
The Keepers
Herb & Dorothy
Iris
Sour Grapes
Ted Talks
Revisionist History (Podcast)
Read the rest of this series at Knowledge Checklists: Filling My Educational Gaps, One Subject at a Time.And peruse my full recommended reading list atBooks I Want My Kids to Read Someday.
What can I say? I like a book about a girl on a diet, especially if the diet is successful. In How I Gave Up My Low-Fat Diet and Lost 40 Pounds, Dana Carpender blends good science and good advice with her compelling personal story.
If you’ve never tried a low-carb diet before–maybe even feel a bit skeptical–you may find Carpender’s book helpful. It’s great introduction to a very complex topic, a mix of scientific studies and commonsense advice.
A few notable points:
A 2000 New English Journal of Medicine low-carb study showed there are no health benefits to low-fat diets at all.
5-HTP and niacin may help people avoid emotional eating.
L-glutamine helps reduce carb cravings.
The book also gives a good description of insulin and ketosis.
Twelve years of elementary and high school plus extracurricular studies leaves us with a lot of information. Too much information, sometimes. Since we can’t retain everything, our brains have to pick and choose. And sometimes they make pretty bad decisions. We might live with our in-depth understanding of the oboe forever, say, but can’t recall whether Alexander the Great lived before or after the Roman Empire. If we don’t want our most important knowledge areas to fade out, then, we do well to periodically review the basics.
That’s the role of the Knowledge Checklist.
A Knowledge Checklist is just what it sounds like: a collection of essential information on a variety of subjects for people who want to re-learn the basics. It’s not a textbook; instead, it’s an overview, a handy guide to help you pinpoint your knowledge areas that need a bit of padding.
I’m having lot of fun–so much fun!–writing these for myself and my homeschooling children. If you find any mistakes or other opportunities for revision, please let me know.
Completed checklists are linked; check back for the rest.
Knowledge Checklists:
Simple Prehistory Timeline
Simple History of North America Timeline
Simple History of South America Timeline
Simple History of Europe Timeline
Simple History of Africa Timeline
Simple History of Asia and Australia Timeline
Basic Biology and Genetics
Basic Chemistry
Basic Physics
Basic Botany
Basic Zoology
Basic Geology and Weather Science
Basic Geography
Basic Human Body Science and Medicine
Basic Computer Science and Technology
Basic English Literature
Basic Grammar, Punctuation and Writing
Basic Logic and Philosophy
Basic Psychology and Sociology
Basic Politics and Economics
Basic Religion and Spirituality
Basic Music
Basic Art Skills
Film and Screen
Basic Physical Education
Basic Mandarin Vocabulary
Basic Spanish Vocabulary
Life Management Skills
Read the rest of this series at Knowledge Checklists: Filling My Educational Gaps, One Subject at a Time.And peruse my full recommended reading list atBooks I Want My Kids to Read Someday.
Anger is natural. It’s a normal part of life. But we don’t want to experience it for longer than necessary. Fortunately, our emotions aren’t entirely out of our control; by questioning our negative beliefs, our accompanying negative feelings become less persistent and less convincing. There are many methods for doing so, but the one with the most evidence behind it is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
In The Feeling Good Handbook, one of the most-read books on the subject, David Burns details the process. I highly recommend this and other CBT books, or working with a therapist who uses the method regularly. (There are also CBT worksheets and instructions online.)
In spite of the prodigious amount of literature devoted to the subject, CBT is a simple, intuitive process. Working either with a therapist, or alone with a journal, you identify your most anxious, fearful or hateful thoughts. Then you examine it objectively, asking yourself if the thought is entirely true, or if it’s untrue or just partly true–an exaggeration. By the time you’re done, you’ve found at least a few more positive thoughts to counteract the negative ones, and as a result, your depression or anxiety is lessened. In a perfect world, every child would be taught the technique in school, and every adult would practice it regularly.
Notes and Quotes:
“If you want to break out of a bad mood, you must first understand that every type of negative feeling results from a specific kind of negative thought. Sadness and depression result from thoughts of loss…”
“If you say, ‘I just can’t help the way I feel,’ you will only make yourself a victim of your misery–and you’ll be fooling yourself, because you can change the way you feel.” . . . “If you want to feel better, you must realize that your thoughts and attitudes–not external events–create your feelings.”
“I don’t believe you should try to be happy all the time, or in *total* control of your feelings. That would just be a perfectionistic trap. You cannot always be completely rational and objective.”
CBT Steps: One: Describe the upsetting event or situation. Two: Write down your negative feelings about the event or situation. Three: For each feeling statement, write down the automatic thoughts, the distortions and the rational responses that match it.
Beware of the ten most common forms of twisted thinking, namely: all-or-nothing thinking; overgeneralization; using a mental filter; discounting the positive; jumping to conclusions; magnification; emotional reasoning; ‘should’ statements; labelling/name calling; personalization; and blame. When these show up in your thinking, notice the essential falsehood it gives rise to.
“Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking: Identify the distortion; examine the evidence; the double-standard method; the experimental technique; thinkng in shades of gray; the survey method; define terms; the semantic method; re-attribution; cost-benefit analysis.”
“From a practical point of view, how can you know when you should accept your feelings, when you should express your feelings, and when you should change them? The following questions can help you decide: How long have I been feeling this way? Am I doing something constructive about the problem, or am I simply brooding and avoiding it? Are my thoughts and feelings realistic? Will it be helpful or hurtful if I express my feelings? Am I making myself unhappy about a situation that’s beyond my control? Am I avoiding a problem and denying that I’m really upset about it? Are my expectations for the world realistic? Are my expectations for myself realistic? Am I feeling hopeless? Am I experiencing a loss of self-esteem?”
“Troubleshooting Guide: Have I correctly identified the upsetting event? Do I want to change my negative feelings about this situation? Have I identified by Automatic Thoughts properly? Are my Rational Responses convincing, valid statements that put the lie to my Automatic Thoughts?”
The book also gives many other specific strategies for dealing with depression, anxiety, phobias, communication issues and much more.
I love a good journalist. Tara Parker-Pope is one of those. She’s done her research on the research, and now presents us with a thorough examination of the science of marriage. Here are my notes on For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed.
Highlights:
Contrary to popular opinion, “. . . marital stability appears to be improving each decade.”
Modern marriage is sometimes called the “soul mate marriage,” and the expectations on it are high.
“. . . Strong marriages have at least a five-to-one daily ratio of positive to negative interactions.”
Scientists have found a genetic link for monogamous and non-monogamous behavior.
Hormonal contraceptives can cause women to choose the wrong partner, blunting her natural instincts.
Marriage is a protective factor for colds, cancer, heart attacks, dementia and more.
The longer a relationship continues, the less sex women crave. “Researchers from Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany interviewed 530 men and women about their relationships and interest in sex. They found that 60 percent of the thirty-year-old women studied wanted sex ‘often’ at the start of a relationship. But within four years this figure dropped to fewer than half, and by twenty years, only one in five women wanted regular sex. The sharp decline in sexual interest wasn’t seen among men in the study.”
Researchers found that the way a partner describes how they met their spouse–whether their story of the event is tinted with optimism or with negative or regretful overtones–predicts their future with that spouse. (Happy couples also say “we” or “us” more often than unhappy ones.)
Eye rolling is one of the most reliable body language indicators of troubled marriages.
“Marriage researchers say that 70 percent of the time, the conflicts that arise between couples are never resolved. In one study, couples who were tracked for a decade were still fighting about the same things they had been arguing about ten years earlier . . . The lesson, say a number of noted marriage researchers, is that compatibility is overrated.”
“Studies show that women tend to initiate about 80 percent of fights. This doesn’t mean women are to blame for causing all the trouble in marriages. It just means they are more willing to take the emotional risk of trying to resolve problems.”
Physiologically, women respond with greater calm to conflict than do men.
Successful arguments often start with a complaint. Unsuccessful ones often start with a criticism.
Successful arguers know how to de-escalate a fight using calm tones and non-hostile body language.
New parenthood lowers marital satisfaction greatly, though largely temporarily.
A fair division of household chores is one of the best ways to avoid marital tension.
Often, women chose to take on more responsibility at home because they don’t want to give up control. They also care more about and are better at deciphering details.
Arguments between same-sex couples seem to contain fewer verbal attacks and less controlling behavior.
Couples who stay married often marry after the age of twenty-five, are not college dropouts, wait ten years before deciding whether or not to divorce, marry someone with similar interests and background, and marry someone whose parents are still married.
It’s the marriage book I recommend more often than any other: Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice: Hormonal Balance–The Key to Life, Love and Energy by John Gray. If you are uncomfortable with frank discussions of innate gender differences, this might not be the book for you; otherwise, have at it. It’s practical advice with a good bit of hard science to back it up.
Notes and Quotes:
Many of the differences between men and women are due to differences in hormones—both in their levels and in the ways they behave in their bodies.
When feeling stressed, men seek testosterone-raising and testosterone-releasing activities. When feeling stressed, women seek oxytocin-raising and oxytocin-releasing activities.
For men, testosterone is released during work-like, problem-solving activities and raised during rest/zone-out/no-talking time.
Women are different. “Testosterone feels good to her because it gives her a sense of power and capability and makes her feel sexy, but it doesn’t lower her stress level.” It may even raise it.
Instead, women seek oxytocin raising activities—primarily talking and bonding—and oxytocin-releasing activities—care giving.
Men are different. “Oxytocin feels good to him, increasing his tendencies toward trust, empathy, and generosity, but … [it] doesn’t lower his stress level.” it may even raise it by lowering his testosterone.
Cortisol, the stress hormone, is only good for them in a true emergency. As a daily response to modern life, it prevents people—both men and women—from maintaining healthy levels of their other needed hormones because the body prioritizes the making of it. Thus, when we’re stressed out, they feel the need to engage in even more oxytocin-raising and -releasing activities (for women), and even more testosterone-raising and -releasing activities (for men). Soon, their schedules are fuller than ever, and they become even more stressed out.
Tomorrow morning, you are going to have to wake up. You’re going to have to take the baby to the park and to the playdate you have scheduled, and pretend that everything is fine. How are you going to get through it? How in the world are you going to get out of bed, knowing the foundation of your life—your marriage—is crumbling?
Though the hormonal needs of individuals vary widely (some women need more testosterone than other women and some men need more oxytocin than other men), these needs explain the presence of traditional gender roles. Women enjoy nurturing others, then being nurtured through conversation and relationship, while men enjoy working and problem-solving, then spending time alone to rest.
Women aren’t cranky—their serotonin is depleted due to stress and fluctuating blood sugar levels.
Men aren’t lazy—they are chemically built to need more time off.
Women don’t prioritize chores over self-care—they choose to release oxytocin by taking care of the home environment.
Men aren’t insensitive—they don’t crave the bonding women do.
Women don’t want to avoid sex—they need oxytocin-building, caring words and actions in order to get in the mood.
Women don’t overreact—they experience a larger response in the brain when under stress than men do.
Women don’t complain endlessly—they talk about their feelings at length in order to rebuild their relaxing oxytocin.
Men don’t procrastinate—they choose to rebuild their testosterone levels through rest. They put off doing chores until an emergency, at which point their testosterone kicks in and tells them to act.
Women don’t worry an unreasonable amount—they simply enjoy nurturing others and thinking about their needs.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Willard F. Harley Jr.
Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice: Hormonal Balance–The Key to Life, Love and Longevity, John Gray
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John Gottman
The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference, Shaunti Feldhahn
For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed, Tara Parker-Pope
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, Aaron T. Beck M.D.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Gary Chapman
Spirituality Books with Practical Advice on Relationships:
Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You, Matt Kahn
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Pema Chodron
The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World, Pema Chodron
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckhart Tolle
The Complete Conversations with God, Neale Donald Walsch
Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness, Jon Kabat-Zinn
The Work of Byron Katie: An Introduction, Byron Katie
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell
I Need Your Love–Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them, Byron Katie and Michael Katz
Who Would You Be Without Your Story?: Dialogues with Byron Katie, Byron Katie
Good Self-Help and Psychology Books:
The Feeling Good Handbook, David Burns
Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations, Robert Firestone
The Science of Happiness: How Our Brains Make Us Happy–And What We Can Do to Get Happier, Stefan Klein
The How of the Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, Sonja Lyubomirsky
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, Chip Heath and Dan Heath
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions, Dan Ariely
Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener
What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, David DiSalvo
Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin Seligman
The Happiness Advantage: How a Positive Brain Fuels Success in Work and Life, Shawn Achor
Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Martin Seligman
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Charles Duhigg
Molecules of Emotion: Why You Feel the Way You Feel, Candace Pert
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One, Joe Dispenza
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown
Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear, Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of Misbelief Therapy, Marie Chapman and William Backus
Parenting Books that Relate to Marriage, Too:
If I Have to Tell You One More Time …: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids To Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling, Amy McCready
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster Cline
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, John Mordechai and Joan Declaire
The Child Whisperer, The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, and Cooperative Children, Carol Tuttle
A Few Good Marriage Memoirs:
How to Stay Married: The Adventures of a Woman Who Learnt to Travel Light in Life, Love and Relationships, Mary-Lou Stephens
Love Warrior: A Memoir, Glennon Doyle Melton
Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, Elizabeth Gilbert
The Wishing Year: A House, a Man, My Soul: A Memoir of Fulfilled Desire, Noelle Oxenhandler
No married couple gets everything right. Here, a few pieces of marital wisdom that didn’t make it into Matthew and Rachel’s story.
1. Figure out the money thing. Different plans work for different people. The key is to do just that: plan.
2. Figure out which kind of fight you’re having. Is the fight about what it seems to be about–money, in-laws, whatever–or is it about feelings and egos getting wounded? If it’s the latter, deal with the feelings first. Then circle back to the mother-in-law’s casserole catastrophe.
3. Make it into a joke. I hinted at this one several times, but seriously–no, not seriously–this is funny stuff. Marriage is funny. Kids are hilarious. If you can laugh even while fighting, resentment and tension lessen considerably. (The kids will appreciate it, too.)
4. Keep the chores separate. Yours are yours and theirs are theirs. This minimizes chore fights and nagging considerably.
5. Figure out what you can control and what you can’t. Marriage is the Serenity Prayer all over the place.
6. Use “I” statements. You’ve heard this before, but it bears repeating: No matter how unnatural or uncomfortable it feels, make it about you. After all, it is about you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be dealing with it. Right?
7. Don’t punish your partner. They won’t learn a darn thing through it except to escalate and solidify their bitterness and anger. No one wants to feel like the bad guy. Whenever possible, make them into the good guy and yourself into the good but struggling guy. They’ll become the person you show them in your mirror.
8. Don’t yell. Ever. What is the point?
9. Most important, notice the small resentments and don’t let them grow any bigger. Seeing a few of my married-couple friends repeatedly pass entire evenings together barely looking into each other’s eyes caused me to suspect the discomfort in their relationships. I realized that I never wanted my marriage to get to a place where we could no longer really look at each other.
What would you add to this list? Let me know and if it’s not already in the book, I’ll consider adding it here.
Some of the advice in Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is pretty standard stuff. Some of it, however, is not. Here, a lesson-by-lesson Q and A to help clarify a few of the more nuanced suggestions.
Lesson: Change Your Story
What if my partner is regularly rude, selfish and impatient? Should I still change my story about him?
What do you mean by regularly? Does your partner treat you well most of the time? Do you usually feel good when you’re around him? Does he bring much more happiness than unhappiness to your life? Is he holding up his end of the bargain? These are the questions you need to answer. Only you.
But maybe he really is just a bad person.
He’s not a bad person. He’s a person. Sometimes people appreciate you, and love you, and understand you, and sympathize with you, and you feel so lucky to be their friend. And other times, they get annoyed, and they get annoying, and they lose their perspective, and they try to find someone to blame. That’s just the way of things. When you relax your character judgments, you see more clearly. You are more able to make decisions about your relationship based on your needs, your feelings and your mental health.
Lesson: Don’t Fight. Just Talk Instead.
My husband suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. He is on edge a lot. It isn’t unusual for him to be in a bad mood as soon as he gets home from work. What is the best way to handle a bad temper?
First, don’t be afraid of your husband. Anger is often about control. Sometimes people yell because they feel out of control of a situation and want to merely let out the frustration they feel. Other times they yell as a way to intimidate others into letting them have their way. This is not a judgment; we all do it, and most of us do it regularly. However, anger is a sign of weakness. Yelling is the weak person’s way to feel strong. Know this, and know this with compassion.
Second, don’t respond to anger. Say nothing—nothing at all. Don’t apologize for or justify your partner’s temper, either to others or to yourself. Don’t pretend you agree with his perspective or placate him. Just let him be. Fully accept, embrace and acknowledge that this is not a good or justifiable quality, but merely a common one.
Say nothing. Let the silence be not a resentful one, though, but one that comes from a deep sense of self-respect; a caring, dignified silence.
A lot of the time, that’s what I do. I just ignore it and let it go. Other times I engage with him—either to agree with him and make him feel better or to defend myself, if the anger is directed at me.
No sometimes. No engagement in that moment. No response, other than a blanket statement like, “I hear you,” and that only if he specifically asks for it. He will be astounded at your self-control.
But then how will anything get solved? How will we work through the problem?
If the problem is just his problem—his anger problem—there is nothing at all for you to do other than offer an example of another way of being, praying for him, and suggesting he get outside help if needed. If the problem is a family or relationship one, simply wait to discuss it when neither of you are upset. It’s a lot more fun that way, and much more productive, too.
What about expressing your anger? Isn’t doing so a hugely important thing to do for your own mental health?
Admitting your anger to yourself is, I believe, hugely important. But talking about it with other people is often unnecessary (except in a self-controlled, reasonable way). Imagine being the kind of person who is able to deal with all of her anger, resentment and negativity internally, who doesn’t blame others for it or play the victim. Do you like that image? Maintaining your self-respect is reason enough to observe your pain in your own quiet heart rather than exploding at your partner.
One night after dinner I asked my husband to help me with the dishes. He said he would, and started doing them, but after a little while he stopped. I finished sweeping the floor, then started getting the baby ready for her bath. Then I asked my husband if he was going to finish the dishes. He said, “You said you were going to help but never did.” I said, “Can’t you see that I’ve been cooking and cleaning for over an hour?” He never finished the dishes or apologized. Now I’m mad at him. What do I do?
Why did you ask him to help you with the dishes, if what you really wanted was for him to do the dishes? Maybe this was just a communication issue. Say exactly what you want, even if the request is less attractive that way. If you want, tell him what you will do, too. Something like, “Can you do the dishes, Hon, so I can finish sweeping up and get the baby in the bath?”
Your fight wasn’t about whether or not he did the dishes. Your fight was about your feeling unappreciated or unloved. Know the difference, and deal with the real issue first. Tell him that you don’t feel loved in this moment, and ask him to acknowledge all the work you were doing.
Remember: Always assume his motives are good. Don’t start the inner monologue about his lack of character. And don’t hear insults where insults aren’t spoken. Instead, hear need— tiredness, stress, sadness—or just his desire to feel loved, too.
Chapter Four: Don’t Make It Into a Big Deal
Can you give me another example of how to pretend something isn’t a big deal? Is it just about ignoring the little stuff, or what?
No. It’s partly that, but it’s also about having a bit of fun with the process.
When something is bugging my husband and I know that it’s a temporary thing–a bad mood, tiredness or whatever–I use the opportunity to practice what I preach in this book: being nice, not getting angry, keeping my perspective. Here is sort of what that looks like: First, I don’t take hold of the rudeness he’s offering me. If he continues to offer it, I say something like, “Hon, are you okay?” Usually, that diffuses the situation pretty quickly. On the rare occasion on which it doesn’t, though, and he’s actually mad at me, he might explain what’s bothering him. That’s my chance to either talk it through or tell him that I love him but I’m choosing not to do what he wants me to do.
I’m a pretty serious person. I tend to be a little more like Rachel the list-maker than Genevieve the intuitive. How can I learn to not sweat the small stuff?
Control freaks do well to find other outlets for their passion. Do you have at least a few other close friendships? Do you have at least one hobby you really love? Your partner shouldn’t be your only source of endorphins.
Also remember that the whole letting go thing feels weird at first; when you’re emotional, your instinct is to directly deal with the situation. After a while, though, as talking about your relationship issues becomes less the norm than the exception, you begin to settle into a habit of ignoring stuff that starts you both spinning.
You become more at peace with peace.
What if we never get there? What if we never figure out how to be “comfortably in love” again?
Relationships aren’t always fun and easy. But they should be a lot of the time. If yours isn’t, you’re either not a good match—water and oil—or you’re really seeking out problems. Stop the problem-making habit and start a fun-making habit. If you do lots of enjoyable stuff together, little problems tend not to grow.
And definitely don’t get too much into his emotional business unless he shares it with you. Remember that your partner’s happiness is his job—not yours. Be the best partner you can be, and let him figure out everything else. Give him advice, then let him make his own choices.
Lesson: Be Uncomfortably Nice
What is the best way to show my partner that I love him on a daily basis?
Use a pleasant tone of voice. Always, always, always, unless you truly, in that moment, cannot. If you follow only one piece of advice in this book, follow this one. Use a (sincerely) pleasant tone of voice at all times, particularly during the mundane activities of life. This is where your relationship really lives. If you’ve fallen into that common but horrible habit of speaking with slight condescension to your partner on a regular basis, know that in order to make things work, this will have to change.
So, what about when your partner says something that’s not just rude, but super mean? The other day I told my husband I was really stressed out and he said, point blank, “I don’t care.” I couldn’t believe it. It hurt so much.
That does hurt. Have you asked him why he said it?
He said it because he didn’t care. In that moment, he didn’t care about how I felt.
Not necessarily. People say this stuff. He probably cares but at the time was upset about something else. My best advice is to ask him if he meant what he said. Ask him sweetly, at a time when he’s not mad. He’ll be impressed by your mature way of handling the situation. He’ll remember it, and if you handle rude comments this way regularly, he’ll eventually learn to be more careful with his words.
Countering not-nice with nice is the best way to get an apology.
So, how do you do this? I mean, we all snap at our partners and kids sometimes, right? We can’t be nice all the time.
Make it your number one priority for a week. A nice tone of voice, all day long. It’s a habit.
Lesson: Shamelessly Bargain (And Always Have a Bottom Line)
One of the things my husband struggles a lot with is getting time to exercise. He likes it, and it’s important to him, but there’s only a certain window of opportunity–in the hour after work–when he can get to the gym or take a jog. Lately, though, he’s been skipping this window and coming home early to crash on the couch. Then when it’s his turn to take the baby, he says he really needs to get his exercise done. It’s not fair, and the other day it caused a huge fight. What should I do?
It sounds like you have a schedule in place that you’re generally both happy with. If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of sticking to it–even if he doesn’t like it. Tell him that it’s his baby time, offer to discuss it, then walk away. If you need to, leave the house to force him to do his duty.
Oh, that’ll go over well.
Risk the argument. See it as an investment you make for your future happiness; if he sees you’re going to enforce your agreement, he’ll take future agreements more seriously. See it as practice for when you have to do the same kind of enforcement with your kids.
If you don’t take this advice, don’t blame him for taking advantage of your fear of confrontation.
Oh, and as always, when you leave, leave with a smile, or at least without undue emotion. He may not be smiling back. But that’s okay.
Lesson: Apologize Every Chance You Get
The other day, I was a jerk. I said some things I regret, and don’t know how to forgive myself and move on. Any advice?
I know how you feel. There are a handful of slammed doors behind me, too. Some I’m now a bit embarrassed about, but one or two, not so much. It doesn’t solve problems to scream, and should be avoided whenever possible, but when it happens rarely, it often buys you a few days of the handle-with-care treatment you need.
Did you ask your partner to forgive you yet? If not, do. Some of the tenderest moments in relationships come after fights and sincere apologies.
After that, take apart the argument. Pull the meat from the bone. What is the important stuff here? What do you need to do differently next time to avoid the argument? Do you need to renegotiate something? Time to look forward.
Lesson: Change Your Partner the Right Way
What about when there’s a behavior in my partner that really does need to change? In the book you show how Matthew slowly learned how to take on more responsibility for his child. In my case, I’d like to change the way my husband disciplines our kids. I want him to be more firm. Is this something that I can change about him? Are some qualities changeable, and others not?
Yes. But we don’t know which is which until we give our partner the chance to show us.
The way I see it, there are three ways to change your partner for the better. The first, and most important, is just believing the best of them, and treating them well. This is the one we should always be doing.
When this isn’t enough, we have two other options. One is the major argument or discussion, which involves detailed negotiation. The other is what I call “the slow nag.” This is when you make little hints and suggestions–maybe even good-natured jokes–about the issue without ever forcing it. When done right, it’s surprisingly effective.
Are you sure this will work?
No.
Okay, fair enough. But are you sure it’s okay to try to change your partner? Everyone tells us this is a terrible idea, that we need to accept them as they come or not at all.
Yes, I am absolutely sure that over the course of your marriage, you can and will change your partner in a wide variety of significant and not-so-significant ways. It’s not only possible but nearly unavoidable; we do it every single day. Whenever we look at someone, whenever we speak to them, whenever we have any kind of interaction, we affect the way they think and feel. Think about it: How would your partner affect your behavior towards him if he did what is recommended in this book, and treated you with utmost respect and love all the time? You’d change a heck of a lot. And the changes you didn’t make in spite of his caring suggestions would probably be the ones that meant too much to you to lose. Well, it’s the same for him. There are things about himself he won’t change for you or for anyone, ever. The question is: Can you live with those things? Are they deal breakers or not?
Lesson: Brush Up on Your Endocrinology
My husband is such a taker. He just takes and takes and takes, until I can’t give anymore, and I explode. Why are men like this? How can I get him to give more?
Don’t concern yourself with why. Men are simply better at getting their own needs and wants met than women are. When you can’t or don’t want to give anymore, simply don’t. Tell your husband that you need some “me” time, and take it–even if he doesn’t love the idea. The trick is to do this gently, without anger and with grace. For me, this has been one of the hardest marriage skills to learn, but now I get a nap every day. It was worth the work.
Here, it’s worth mentioning that personality differences, too–not just gender differences–affect the way your partner meets his needs. My favorite personality typing book is the (misleading titled) Dressing Your Truth: Discover Your Personal Beauty Profile by Carol Tuttle. The book only discusses female personality types, but in other books of hers, males fall into the same four categories. Understanding not just your unique behavior but the basic internal beliefs that give rise to that behavior is incredibly therapeutic and healing.
The bottom line: There are four main personality types: wind, water, fire and rock. Wind people are bright and animated. Their driving purpose in life is to enjoy it. Water people are subtle, caring and soft. Their driving purpose is to love and care about people. Fire people are dynamic and passionate. Their driving purpose is to accomplish their goals and change the world. Rock people are bold and striking. Their driving purpose is to seek and disseminate truth. If you want to better understand the motivations behind your partner’s quirks, read this book.
Lesson: Don’t Defend Yourself
Okay, so not defending myself. I get how doing so can be unhelpful and even counterproductive, escalating the fight even further. But self-defense is one of our primary human drives; we all want other people to acknowledge when we’re in the right, or to at least to basically understand our intentions. How can I avoid getting defensive?
Try this: Look forward with great anticipation to your next opportunity to be criticized by your partner in some way. Then, when it happens, in the moment in which it is happening, ask yourself, “What would it feel like to just not defend myself right now—to smile and say nothing committal, maybe even to agree with what my partner is saying? Would it make me proud?”
Then—just as an experiment, mind you—say something kind in response. Not necessarily an apology, if an apology feels insincere to you, but something sweet and understanding. Something like, “Okay. You might be right about this. I promise to give it some real thought.”
Now, observe how you feel about yourself in this moment and compare it to how you might have felt had you defended yourself. Do you feel more self-respect? And what about your partner’s response? Did their anger begin to dissolve?
It sounds like what you’re saying is that you should just accept whatever criticism comes your way, no matter how wrong it is. That’s not self-respectful, is it?
Yes, that’s what I’m saying, and yes, it is. You don’t have to accept the criticism as true, but you can listen to it in silence without agreeing with it in any way.
But doesn’t this just come across as a big “I don’t care what you think” attitude?
Preferably, no. At times, in an effort to be less defensive, I’ve used a superior tone of voice, responding with something like, “Okay, Honey. You have your opinion.” I’ve since come to the belief that this sort of attitude isn’t nondefensiveness—it’s ego, disguised as nondefensiveness. And it really, really didn’t work. It didn’t make me feel good, and it didn’t dissolve his anger; in fact, it fueled it big-time.
If you’re going to choose between shutting down your partner without explaining your side and expressing interest in your partner’s feelings, then asking him if you may explain your reason for what you did, choose the latter every time. At least you’ve shown that you are willing to truly listen, and by asking first to defend yourself, you’ve put them in a much more receptive mode.
Lesson: Appreciate the Gift
Logically, I know that marriage is a gift–even the hard parts, the arguments. But how do I go from knowing it to really knowing it, to feeling really grateful for my partner on a day-in-day-out basis?
I have two ideas. The first is to dote on your partner–to do loving acts regularly. The second is to relentlessly question your negative thoughts about him or her.
A lot of people try to describe why it is that parenting, which (if you believe the cliche) is the toughest job on the planet, is also one of the most well-regarded and most sought-after. Here is my attempt: The beauty of parenting is that here is this perfect new person, and you have the privilege of loving them the most.
Teaching children is great. Watching them grow and admiring them and laughing with them is wonderful and awesome. But just loving someone this much, giving this much of yourself for another person every day—that is the part that really gets you. Well, it’s the same with any other relationship. It’s the same with marriage: the practice of loving another person just feels good. Making dinner for your partner, speaking gently with them when they’re in a bad mood, holding them when they’re sad–these are the things that give our lives real meaning, and the things that truly bond us.
Compliment your partner. Every single day. Say nice things, particularly when it’s unexpected. Be specific, too: something like, “I am feeling very tender and affectionate towards you today.” Genuine compliments are far too rare and far more valuable than most of us realize; whenever we get one, we really treasure it, don’t we? We remember some of them for a very long time.
My second idea is to relentlessly question your negative thoughts about your partner. In “Change Your Story” I describe the process of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I cannot recommend it more highly. The theory among some psychologists and certainly many spiritual guru-types on its effectiveness is that when you remove the negative thoughts, love simply fills the gap, since love is who we really are underneath. Sometimes I’m skeptical that this is the case with me, but the more I journal my negative thoughts and replace them with the truth, the more cheerfulness and lightheartedness I feel, which naturally flows into my attitudes about other people. Particularly people I really, really like anyway, like my husband.
There was a time when I would have paid anything for a magic wand that could, with a wave, turn off all my husband’s worst traits. The other day, though, when I was talking to my sister on the phone about relationships, it hit me: At some point, I stopped wanting my partner to be perfect. What would it look like if he had no flaws? Would he do everything I ever wanted or asked him to do? And how long would it take before I started seeing him as a robot, an automaton: “Honey, will you wash the dishes?” “Sure, my dear.” “Then go wash the car and pack the car for our trip?” “Of course.” That’s not even a relationship, is it?
Marriage is one of the biggest challenges I’ll get in this life. I’m milking it for all the self-improvement it’s worth.
Final Questions
Why don’t you recommend therapy?
I do. I am a therapist in training and I think every single human should be so lucky as to have a skilled mental health professional to talk to once a week.
Some of your advice is strange. Are you sure it’ll work?
In my life there are very few certainties, and for the most part I like to keep it that way. One thing I do feel sure of, though, is that self-improvement efforts—no matter how small, no matter how flailing, and no matter how many times they seem to fail—are worth it almost every time. Because often, even when they seem to fail, they don’t fail all the way; somewhere inside you, something has changed. Maybe it takes a year or two for you to see the difference, but eventually you do.
Eventually, you’re glad that you tried.
May the greatest blessings follow you on your path to marital bliss.
We human-types repeat ourselves a lot. Throughout the day we rely on a handy set of go-to statements in order to preserve precious brain power.
“Go slow,” we tell our toddlers. “Use your words. Be patient. Take turns.”
“It’s for the best,” we say to our friends. “It’ll all work out.”
We say these things many, many times.
My husband hears a lot of the same stuff from me, too: “Can you wash the dishes?” “Don’t stay up too late” and “Take the baby” are at the top of my list.
A bad mantra can be a hard habit to break.
Fortunately, a good mantra can be a hard habit to break, too. My advice: Pay extra attention to your oft-repeated statements, evaluating how well they help you achieve your goals. Then consider replacing a few of them with a nicer, more effective version.
Here are a few feel-good statements that can replace a whole variety of feel-bad ones.
Instead of “I can’t believe you did/said that” or “You are such a jerk,” try:
“Are you feeling grumpy today, Honey?”
“Are you feeling unloved today?”
“Are you okay today? Is anything wrong?”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Do you want to talk about it or would you rather wait?”
“Hey! That wasn’t nice.”
“I love you. I know you mean well. But I don’t understand the reason you did this. Can you explain, please?”
Instead of a sarcastic “you’re welcome,” try:
“Will you say thank you, please?”
Instead of “It’s not my fault,” or “You’re the one who . . .,” try:
“I’m sorry.”
“That wasn’t nice of me.”
“I’m feeling grumpy today.”
“Do you want to know why I did that?”
“Do you want me to explain now or would you rather wait till later?”
Instead of “I am so mad at you,” try:
“I am feeling angry right now, but it will pass.”
“Watch out. I might have to squish you/tickle you/[insert other completely comical threat].”
Instead of “You aren’t listening to me,” try:
“Do you want me to explain more, or do you want me to just listen to your thoughts and we can talk about my side later?”
Instead of “No, I’m not going to do that for you,” try:
“I’m not going to do that right now. But I love you.”
Instead of “Stop ignoring me,” try:
“I am feeling lonely today.”
“I am feeling neglected today.”
“I am feeling unappreciated today. Will you do something nice for me?”
“Do you appreciate me?”
“Do you love me?”
“Do you want to cuddle?”
Instead of “Well, ‘night, Hon,” try:
“I love you. I really, really love you. Good night.”
“I want you to know I respect you. Good night.”
“I’m truly glad you’re my partner, Hon. Good night.”
One morning, you wake up to notes on the fridge reminding your partner to treat you better. What’s your reaction? Yeah, I thought so. Here, then, a cheat sheet with all of the main lessons in this book. My advice: use it flagrantly.
Lesson: Change Your Story
For the Fridge:
“I promise to believe your intentions are good.”
“I promise to double-check my story about you.”
Lesson: Don’t Fight. Just Talk Instead.
For the Fridge:
“I promise not to discuss an issue unless it’s worth the tension it will cause and unless I’ve given it some time.”
Lesson: Don’t Make It Into a Big Deal
For the Fridge:
“I promise to underreact.”
Lesson: Be Uncomfortably Nice
For the Fridge:
“I promise to use a kind, respectful tone of voice, even when upset.”
Lesson: Shamelessly Bargain (And Always Have a Bottom Line)
For the Fridge:
“I promise to negotiate, not nag.”
“I promise to focus mainly on solutions, not emotions.”
Lesson: Apologize Every Chance You Get
For the Fridge:
“I promise to take every opportunity to say I’m sorry.”
Lesson: Change Your Partner the Right Way
For the Fridge:
“I promise not to nag you to change, but to gently encourage it instead.”
“I promise to mirror back to you the change I want to see.”
Lesson: Brush Up on Your Endocrinology
For the Fridge:
“I promise to focus on solutions, not emotions.”
“I promise to understand that your needs are real.”
Lesson: Don’t Defend Yourself
For the Fridge:
“I promise to listen first.”
“I promise to ask permission before telling my side of the story.”
Lesson: Appreciate the Gift
For the Fridge:
“I promise to remind myself that one of the best parts of marriage is how it helps me grow.”
Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You, Matt Kahn:
When so-called bad stuff happens, don’t fight, don’t negotiate—just sit with the pain for a while. When the time is right, you’ll know how to handle the problem, but until then, allow yourself to feel what you feel.
When a feeling is “honored and given permission to be,” it eventually dissolves of its own accord—no striving, no fighting, no negotiation needed.
Your negative experiences can actually become your greatest gifts, “the source of your own fulfillment.”
No matter how many problems you successfully fix, life will always bring you more. So if you want peace in your life, learn to love what arises.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Pema Chodron:
“To stay with that shakiness–to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge–that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic–this is the spiritual path.”
“Every day we could reflect on this and ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to add to the aggression in the world?’ Every day, at the moment when things get edgy, we can just ask ourselves, ‘Am I going to practice peace, or am I going to war?'”
“Those events and people in our lives who trigger our unresolved issues could be regarded as good news. We don’t have to go hunting for anything. We don’t need to try to create situations in which we reach our limit. They occur all by themselves, with clockwork regularity.”
My Relationship Resolutions:
I will be grateful for the challenges marriage brings. If Matthew was perfect, how would I grow? Marriage is one of the most complex, intense relationships in life—and the best opportunity I have to learn to love unconditionally.
When painful stuff happens, like an argument with Matthew, I won’t try to fix it right away. Instead, I’ll find a quiet place, and just sit with the feeling. Only when I’m ready to move on will I do so, even if it takes several hours or days.
I will remember that Matthew doesn’t have to be perfect for me to be happy. I’m tough; I can handle a few flaws.
For the Fridge:
“I promise to remember that one of the best parts of marriage is how it helps me grow.”
The following week, I saw Genevieve. She asked how things were going with Matt and I. I told her of my change in perspective, of how much I appreciated everything I’d learned over the past several years. And I told her I appreciate myself more than ever, too.
“I really do love everything that’s happened with Matthew since becoming a parent,” I said. “Not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff, too. It’s gotten me from being a wife who truly loves her husband to being a wife who truly loves her husband and also knows how to be good to herself.”
“You’re stronger,” Gen said.
“Yes. I am.”
“And motherhood just adds to that.”
“Definitely.”
“That is what it’s about. It’s about getting stronger. Not just in marriage–in life. In everything.”
“I don’t know if I told you this already, but for a while after Poppy was born, I’d get these terrible thoughts about Matt. They’d come to me at night, just overwhelm me. They weren’t logical but at the time they felt so frightening. Mostly they were about how hard it was to be married and have kids, but sometimes they were about Matthew specifically. About his character flaws, about how selfish he was. Sometimes, I would just sit and think about all the pain that my kids are going to have to go through in their lives, and how crazy it is to have them knowing this. Well, at some point, it was weird–all those thoughts stopped. Not that I never have a terrible judgment about Matt or bad thoughts about parenting, but I don’t get that fear anymore. I don’t know how, exactly, but something changed in my head. I have this confidence that basically, we’re . . . normal. Matt is a normal guy. Our relationship is normal. Our problems are actually pretty insignificant. And when the hard times come, well, like I said, the hard times are just a part of it. They’re all just part of the adventure.”
Gen nodded. “I haven’t gone through that. Not exactly the way you’re saying. But I do have a lot of fears for my kids. And I like that attitude you’re talking about. In parenting, too, part of what we’re teaching our kids is to look at hardship as a good thing. It’s real, and it’s good, and it’s part of what we’re doing here. It helps us to grow and get better. Then, hopefully, the bad feelings go away for a while, and when they do we don’t have to be afraid of them coming back. They will come back, always. That is their job. And it’s okay that they do. Like you said: It’s normal.”
“It’s more than normal. It is a gift.”
***
How did Matthew and I survive those critical first years after Poppy was born? How did we regain the joy in each other we once felt, without significant damage or simmering resentment to show for our experience? Partly it was because we finally stopped the control battles, the tug of war—and when the game did restart, it was usually pretty friendly, and pretty short.
First, I learned to short-circuit unspoken fears by changing my story about Matt and reminding myself that he loved me. After that, I learned how to talk instead of argue–how to let the little stuff go. I was nice, even when Matt didn’t seem to deserve it. I found a way to bargain for what I needed. I humbled myself and apologized frequently. And I finally figured out what Matt needed, biologically-speaking. I stopped the nagging and ditched the defensiveness and when all else failed, I simply embraced the challenge. I reminded myself that marriage is a gift, not in spite of the hard times but because of them, and I remembered how far I had come.
For five years—five wonderful years—after Matthew and I met, our love for each other was easy. We were best friends. We hardly ever fought. Our relationship was straightforward, unmarred. Then we had a baby, and during the three years that followed that event, things were . . . well, they were different. Not awful, most of the time. Just challenging. Stretching. The big fights were big, and the little ones were frequent. By the end of those years, though, Matt and I had several key advantages we didn’t have before that to us, made the experience well worth the trouble. First, we had a deep understanding of what it takes to be a happy family.
Second, we had a happy family.
And that’s what we still have: a family. A happy one. It’s been five years since Harper was born, and things have never been better between us. I still talk to Gen and Marianne about my issues with Matt, read the occasional marriage book—even get advice from my inner self once in a while. But most of my self-improvement energy is now focused on parenting my two children. While relationship challenges with Matthew still arise—and with some regularity—the themes of my solutions are often repeated, revisited. I circle back to much of what I learned during that time, and mostly that’s enough to get me through. Part of the reason for this is that these themes are fairly flexible. And the other part of the reason is Matthew.
These days, Matthew just gets it in a way he didn’t before. Truly, he is a better husband. He talks to me more. He’s vulnerable, honest. He is, once again, the best friend I found when we first started dating.
And in some ways, he’s even better. He’s a dad now, of course, and an excellent one: patient, and giving, and wise. He’s not as moody as he used to be—he’s learned how to communicate his needs and feelings with more self-awareness. And he’s a great deal more helpful. Every single night, his schedule is the family’s schedule. He does the laundry. He reads to the kids, brushes their teeth, takes them grocery shopping. And he’s in for the hard stuff, too: sleepless nights, discipline, potty training. More important than any single thing he does, though, is the way he makes me feel when he’s with me.
These days, every day, I feel loved.
***
After the Classic Food Fight, there was a break in the tension between Matthew and I. Then, for several weeks straight, for a reason unknown to me, Matthew was in a terrible mood. When we went to Home Depot, and I misunderstood what he was looking for, he embarrassed me by speaking rudely to me in the aisle. When to keep his drill away from Poppy I hid it, then couldn’t find it again right away, he made a sarcastic comment. Finally, when the car insurance expired before I paid the bill, he chastised me unfairly.
Each time one of these episodes occurred, my first instinct was to defend myself. But I chose to remember my resolution, and find a better way to handle the situation.
A week later, Matthew’s mood still hadn’t passed, so I decided to practice a few of my other newfound skills. At dinner one evening, I smiled across the table, then pointed out something Matthew did that I appreciated. “You did the dishes yet again, I noticed,” I said. “Thanks, Hon. That’s a really big help.”
Matthew smiled back, and seemed to feel calmer.
“You’re welcome,” he said. “Thanks for noticing, Rachel.”
Then I went in for the kill.
“Hon, I know you’ve been frustrated with me lately. It seems like something is really bothering you. Do you want to talk about it? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I guess there is something,” he said. “I mean, I’m fine, mostly. But work has been totally sucking, and I hate it. Sometimes I wish I could just quit and move on. Do real estate, like I’ve always wanted. But this is a good job and I don’t know how I’d match the pay. So, here we are. You know.”
“Well, let’s talk about it. Let’s try to figure something out. But can I make a small request?”
“Of course.”
“When you’re feeling this way—and I know this is hard—can you just not take it out on me? Don’t get mad at me for little things that don’t matter. Talk to me about the real problem instead.”
Matt frowned. “Yeah, I can do that,” he said. And with that, the matter was resolved.
One day not long after the Bad Wife Blowout, Matthew did not eat lunch—and it showed. Arriving home after work, he greeted me plaintively. Then he promptly asked for some food.
“I’m hungry,” he said, dropping his backpack on the floor and circling around me to the kitchen. “I worked through lunch. What’s for dinner?”
“Hi, Hon,” I said. I followed him to the kitchen. “I’m not sure. I guess there’s not much. I haven’t made it to the store.”
This time, I wasn’t just apologizing to apologize, either; I really did feel bad. Matthew loved food, but cooking wasn’t my specialty. I’ve said many times that I could never cook again and be better off for it.
Mind you, it wasn’t always this way. When Matthew and I first got together, I enjoyed making him a well-planned meal. Doing so wasn’t a hardship, but one of the little pleasures of my day—a way to express love and be nurturing. After the baby was born, though, food preparation was no longer a productive break from my computer and a chance to do something nice for my partner.
Suddenly, it was just a damned chore.
And so, I slacked off. I cooked less often and less well, and asked Matthew to order out or cook for himself once in a while. Soon, he was preparing many of his own evening meals, and I was grabbing something quick for the kids and myself before he got home.
“No food?” he asked. “Nothing? Again? Hon, I am really, really hungry.”
“I know, Matt. I’m sorry. It was that kind of day.”
“It was that kind of day three other times this week.”
“Matt, come on. Don’t start with me. You can handle making dinner.”
“It’s not just that. You’ve been ignoring me. I’m sick of feeling like I’m last place.”
“Watch out. You’re reading into this. Not cooking doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
“It feels that way to me.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what to do about that, though, Matt. I can’t do everything, you know. Something has to fall off my plate. So to speak.”
Matthew didn’t respond. Instead, he grabbed his car keys and made his way to the front door in the kind of huff that has you defending yourself in your head for the next hour. He left without explanation, then returned with a pile of tacos.
By that time, I was mad, too.
“Was that really so hard?” I asked as I joined him at the dining room table.
“Well, it took forty-five minutes.”
I sighed. “Honey, look at me, will you? I’m exhausted. I’m done. I’ve been going nonstop all day. Every day feels like a marathon. What more do you want me to do?”
“I want food.”
I stopped eating my tacos. A hard wind filled my lungs, but I slowly let it out. Then, in that small moment, I made a big decision.
I decided not to be angry.
I took a deep breath, then another one. Then I drank a glass of water. A few tacos in, I managed a smile–a fake smile, but a smile nonetheless.
It helped.
“Do you feel like I don’t pay enough attention to you, Matt?”
“Yes,” he said, exhaling a bit. “Or maybe, like you don’t respect me as much as you used to. Something like that. I don’t know.”
“I respect you, Hon. I do. I’m doing the best I can.”
He didn’t respond, and I didn’t go on.
That evening, we were quiet–both of us were quiet. Matt genuinely didn’t want to talk, and I was practicing my new non-defensiveness strategy. As we sat on the couch together, watching a movie, not touching, I realized something: I was okay.
So, Matt is mad at me, I thought, pretending to pay attention to the screen. What’s the big deal, anyway? I did what I could. I told him I cared about him. I stayed calm and didn’t make things worse. He didn’t want to hear my side, so here we are, on the couch. Kind of ignoring each other, but we’re still together. He’ll be mad for a while, but it’s okay. It’s okay.
For me, this was a revelation.
That week as Matt slowly regained a more positive perspective on our relationship and I continued to reassure him, I contemplated the lesson a bit further. I asked myself what the point of relationships are, anyway. Are they for making us feel good all the time? No, I realized. That’s not what they’re for. Relationships–marriages especially–are about growth. They’re about learning compromise and communication and hell, just being a nicer person. Would I really want Matt to do everything I wanted him to do as soon as I wanted him to do it? What good would a robot husband be to anyone?
Looking back on that week, I wonder if that was the time that I first knew–truly knew–things were going to be okay with Matt and I. Since having our first child together we’d learned a lot of lessons, but did any of the others affect my attitude toward Matt as completely? In any case, the change that happened inside me that week was real, and it really did take hold. From that time forward, whenever Matt and I disagreed about something significant, I remembered to feel at least a bit grateful for the struggle.
This is how I’m becoming a better person, I told myself. This is how. Only this. No other way.
Marriage is a gift, and challenges are part of the package. I see how being married is changing me, and I like it.
Matt Kahn. Ah, I love him. This is the guy that got the phrase “love what is” into my frightened, ego-controlled mind. This is the guy that showed me it’s okay to feel like crap, and to admit it–and actually, that you have to first do so in order to start getting of that feeling.
This guy is my really good friend–even though he doesn’t know it.
The importance of physical activity is one of my soap-box topics. I love that as a homeschooling family we have the time to take bike rides and long walks during the day.
No one is saying your child should become an all-star. But learning the basics of a wide variety of sports helps them understand their options and almost certainly find something they truly enjoy.
Lots of people will tell you that learning a new language is easy. And it can be . . . but it usually isn’t. The problem isn’t with the actual difficulty of the language, though. The problem is that we don’t practice.
Unless you live among native speakers, it’s a problem that’s not easily remedied. My suggestion: every few months (more if you’re in a hurry), play some audio recordings of words with translations or children’s music in the car on repeat. Language learning is not an all-at-once thing; you’ll need lots of time and repetition to let it sink in. If possible, be casual about it, but be consistent.
If you’re a person who enjoys reading and writing, copy your word lists onto flash cards or foldable lists. Personally, I spend countless hours writing and rewriting my lists when in full-on language learning mode.
You can also make games out of your vocabulary words–all kinds of fun games. At the end of this post I provide a story you can tell your kids that incorporates practice and repetition (theirs or yours).
I am not a film buff. Still, I don’t want my kids to miss out on the movies that even today, inform our shared cultural conversation. There’s a lot to learn here about love, hope and coming of age–and about writing an awesome screenplay, too.
Twelve years of elementary and high school plus extracurricular studies leaves us with a lot of information. Too much information, sometimes. Since we can’t retain everything, our brains have to pick and choose. And sometimes they make pretty bad decisions. We might live with our in-depth understanding of the oboe forever, say, but can’t recall whether Alexander the Great lived before or after the Roman Empire. If we don’t want our most important knowledge areas to fade out, then, we do well to periodically review the basics.
That’s the role of the Knowledge Checklist.
A Knowledge Checklist is just what it sounds like: a collection of essential information on a variety of subjects for people who want to re-learn the basics. It’s not a textbook; instead, it’s an overview, a handy guide to help you pinpoint your knowledge areas that need a bit of padding.
