Category Archives: Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday

Here’s another installment in my happiness book summaries: The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work by Shawn Achor. I like its overview of the history of positive psychology and it’s thorough treatment of the topic. Also, it’s fun to read, and that makes me happy, too.

Key Takeaways

• Happiness is important, and we know of many ways to achieve it. That’s the central message of this book. But before delving into that, the author attempts to explain what happiness is:
• “So how do the scientists define happiness? Essentially, as the experience of positive emotions—pleasure combined with deeper feelings of meaning and purpose. Happiness implies a positive mood in the present and a positive outlook for the future. Martin Seligman, the pioneer in positive psychology, has broken it down into three, measurable components: pleasure, engagement, and meaning.”
• The book describes the recent birth of the field of positive psychology and the author’s part in it: “In 2006, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar asked if I would serve as his head teaching fellow to help design and teach a course called Positive Psychology. Tal was not yet internationally well-known; his best-selling book Happier wouldn’t be published until the following spring. Under the circumstances, we thought we’d be lucky to lure in a hundred undergraduates brave enough to risk a hit on their transcripts by foregoing a credit in, say, advanced economic theory for one in happiness. Over the next two semesters, nearly 1,200 Harvard students enrolled in the class—that’s one in every six students at one of the most hard-driving universities in the world. We quickly began to realize that these students were there because they were hungry. They were starving to be happier, not sometime in the future, but in the present. And they were there because despite all the advantages they enjoyed, they still felt unfulfilled.”
• People have less sex over the course of their lives than we think they do. Feelings that we are missing out on this experience are therefore based on inaccurate information. “Based on my study of Harvard undergraduates, the average number of romantic relationships over four years is less than one. The average number of sexual partners, if you’re curious, is 0.5 per student. (I have no idea what 0.5 sexual partners means, but it sounds like the scientific equivalent of second base.) In my survey, I found that among these brilliant Harvard students, 24 percent are unaware if they are currently involved in any romantic relationship.”
• Positivity and happiness predict success fairly reliably. “For example, doctors put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis show almost three times more intelligence and creativity than doctors in a neutral state, and they make accurate diagnoses 19 percent faster. Optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by 56 percent. Students primed to feel happy before taking math achievement tests far outperform their neutral peers. It turns out that our brains are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative or even neutral, but when they are positive.”
• A study of 180 journals kept by Catholic nuns showed a correlation between emotional well-being and physical well-being: “The nuns whose journal entries had more overtly joyful content lived nearly ten years longer than the nuns whose entries were more negative or neutral. By age 85, 90 percent of the happiest quartile of nuns were still alive, compared to only 34 percent of the least happy quartile.”
• “Research shows that unhappy employees take more sick days, staying home an average of 1.25 more days per month, or 15 extra sick days a year.”
• “In one study I’m glad I never volunteered to take part in, researchers gave subjects a survey designed to measure levels of happiness—then injected them with a strain of the cold virus. A week later, the individuals who were happier before the start of the study had fought off the virus much better than the less happy individuals. They didn’t just feel better, either; they actually had fewer objective symptoms of illness as measured by doctors—less sneezing, coughing, inflammation, and congestion.”
• “Positive emotions flood our brains with dopamine and serotonin, chemicals that not only make us feel good, but dial up the learning centers of our brains to higher levels. They help us organize new information, keep that information in the brain longer, and retrieve it faster later on. And they enable us to make and sustain more neural connections, which allows us to think more quickly and creatively, become more skilled at complex analysis and problem solving, and see and invent new ways of doing things.”
• The book also examines the power of belief at length. It describes a study in which 75-year-old men were asked to pretend they were 55 and the year was twenty years earlier. It seems that during the study, the men felt closer to the age they pretended to be: “After the retreat, most of the men had improved in every category; they were significantly more flexible, had better posture, and even much-improved hand strength. Their average eyesight even improved by almost 10 percent, as did their performance on tests of memory. In over half the men, intelligence, long thought to be fixed from adolescence, moved up as well. Even their physical appearance changed; random people who didn’t know anything about the experiment were shown pictures of the men both before and after the experiment, and asked to guess their age. Based on these objective ratings, the men looked, on average, three years younger than when they arrived.”
• “In one of my favorite all-time experiments, Japanese researchers blindfolded a group of students and told them their right arms were being rubbed with a poison ivy plant.3 Afterward, all 13 of the students’ arms reacted with the classic symptoms of poison ivy: itching, boils, and redness. Not surprising … until you find out that the plant used for the study wasn’t poison ivy at all, just a harmless shrub. The students’ beliefs were actually strong enough to create the biological effects of poison ivy, even though no such plant had touched them. Then, on the students’ other arm, the researchers rubbed actual poison ivy, but told them it was a harmless plant. Even though all 13 students were highly allergic, only 2 of them broke out into the poison ivy rash!”
• “One study of 112 entry-level accountants found that those who believed they could accomplish what they set out to do were the ones who ten months later scored the best job performance ratings from their supervisors.”
• “A team of researchers led by Robert Rosenthal went into an elementary school and administered intelligence tests to the students. The researchers then told the teachers in each of the classrooms which students—say, Sam, Sally, and Sarah—the data had identified as academic superstars, the ones with the greatest potential for growth. [However,] when Sam, Sally, and Sarah had been tested at the beginning of the experiment, they were found to be absolutely, wonderfully ordinary. The researchers had randomly picked their names and then lied to the teachers about their ability. But after the experiment, they had in fact turned into academic superstars.”
• So how do we increase our happiness, then? One way is to meditate. “Neuroscientists have found that monks who spend years meditating actually grow their left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain most responsible for feeling happy. But don’t worry, you don’t have to spend years in sequestered, celibate silence to experience a boost. Take just five minutes each day to watch your breath go in and out.”
• Another idea: think about something you are looking forward to. “One study found that people who just thought about watching their favorite movie actually raised their endorphin levels by 27 percent.”
• Another: do random acts of kindness regularly. “A long line of empirical research, including one study of over 2,000 people, has shown that acts of altruism—giving to friends and strangers alike—decrease stress and strongly contribute to enhanced mental health.”
• And, of course, exercise. “You have probably heard that exercise releases pleasure-inducing chemicals called endorphins, but that’s not its only benefit. Physical activity can boost mood and enhance our work performance in a number of other ways as well, by improving motivation and feelings of mastery, reducing stress and anxiety, and helping us get into flow—that ‘locked in’ feeling of total engagement that we usually get when we’re at our most productive.”
• Spend money on pleasurable experiences rather than on stuff. They good feelings last longer, creating good memories and hope for similar experiences in the future.
• Recognition and feedback is extremely helpful for happiness as well. Even silly prizes and awards help us feel good about ourselves and our performance.
• Gratitude is another powerful way to become happier: “When you write down a list of ‘three good things’ that happened that day, your brain will be forced to scan the last 24 hours for potential positives—things that brought small or large laughs, feelings of accomplishment at work, a strengthened connection with family, a glimmer of hope for the future.”
• Optimism is important for success, as demonstrated in the following anecdote: “You’ve probably heard the oft-told story of the two shoe salesmen who were sent to Africa in the early 1900s to assess opportunities. They wired separate telegrams back to their boss. One read: ‘Situation hopeless. They don’t wear shoes.’ The other read: ‘Glorious opportunity! They don’t have any shoes yet.'”
• The book also describes how to create good habits and discourage bad ones.

About the Author

Shawn Achor is an American author, speaker, and positive psychology researcher known for his work on happiness, well-being, and positive psychology in the workplace. He earned his Bachelor’s degree from Harvard University, where he studied positive psychology under renowned psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar. He later earned a Master’s degree from Harvard Divinity School.

Achor’s research and writings primarily focus on the science of happiness and positive psychology, particularly in the context of work and organizations. He has conducted extensive research on the factors that contribute to individual and collective well-being and performance.

In addition to his books, Achor is a highly sought-after speaker, delivering engaging and informative presentations on positive psychology, happiness, and well-being. He has delivered TED Talks that have garnered millions of views, further spreading his message of the importance of cultivating happiness and positivity.

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Can’t quite get to all the nonfiction and self-help books that interest you? Read Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday here.

Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book Of Homeschooling by John Holt and Pat Farenga isn’t my favorite John Holt book. But anything with his name on it is a push of the “Buy Now” button on Amazon for me.

Read it because you’re familiar with Holt’s unschooling philosophy, and want ideas for employing it in some way.

Key Takeaways

• In this book the authors discuss the idea of unschooling as an alternative to traditional schooling or homeschooling. This involves allowing learning without a lot of direct teaching. The authors provide a number of colorful, hearty quotes, some of which are as follows:
• Learning is, and should be considered to be, as natural to humans as breathing. The authors imagine themselves at a “breathing conference” where nothing but the act of improving on breathing is discussed all day long. “And I thought, if we found ourselves at such a conference, would we not assume that everyone there was sick, or had just been sick? Why so much talk and worry about something that healthy people do naturally?”
• “If there were no other reason for wanting to keep kids out of school, the social life would be reason enough. In all but a very few of the schools I have taught in, visited, or know anything about, the social life of the children is mean-spirited, competitive, exclusive, status-seeking, snobbish, full of talk about who went to whose birthday party and who got what …”
• “Years ago I read that one or more inner-city schools had tried the experiment of letting fifth graders teach first graders to read. They found, first, that the first graders learned faster than similar first graders taught by trained teachers, and secondly, that the fifth graders who were teaching them, many or most of whom had not been good readers themselves, also improved a great deal in their reading.”
• “We can sum up very quickly what people need to teach their own children. First of all, they have to like them, enjoy their company, their physical presence, their energy, foolishness, and passion. They have to enjoy all their talk and questions, and enjoy equally trying to answer those questions. They have to think of their children as friends, indeed very close friends, have to feel happier when they are near and miss them when they are away. They have to trust them as people, respect their fragile dignity, treat them with courtesy, take them seriously. They have to feel in their own hearts some of their children’s wonder, curiosity, and excitement about the world. And they have to have enough confidence in themselves, skepticism about experts, and willingness to be different from most people, to take on themselves the responsibility for their children’s learning. But that is about all that parents need.”
• “During his early years, my wife and I and a couple of friends taught him all he wanted to know, and if we didn’t know it, which usually was the case, it was even better for we all learned together. Example: at 7, he saw the periodic table of elements, wanted to learn atoms and chemistry and physics. I had forgotten how to balance an equation, but went out and bought a college textbook on the subject, a history of discovery of the elements, and some model atoms, and in the next month we went off into a tangent of learning in which somehow we both learned college-level science. He has never returned to the subject, but to this day retains every bit of it because it came at a moment in development and fantasy that was meaningful to him.”
• “A very important function of institutions of so-called higher learning is not so much to teach people things as to limit access to certain kinds of learning and work. The function of law schools is much less to train lawyers than to keep down the supply of lawyers. Practically everything that is now only done by people with Ph.D.’s was, not so very long ago, done by people with no graduate training or in some cases even undergraduate training.”
• Though some parents worry about sheltering their children too much, the author believes that doing so is the proper role of a parent. Sheltering them is a way of teaching them how to avoid problems later on.
• Some parents view homeschooling as a way for kids to avoid challenges or problems, but the authors write that children will always have their fair share of these. “To learn to know oneself, and to find a life worth living and work worth doing, is problem and challenge enough, without having to waste time on the fake and unworthy challenges of school—pleasing the teacher, staying out of trouble, fitting in with the gang, being popular, doing what everyone else does.”
• To parents who fear homeschooling won’t challenge kids to do things they don’t want to do, the authors write that life is full of requirements, and they will learn to meet them if they have enough internal and external motivation to do so.
• “Intelligence … is not the measure of how much we know how to do, but of how we behave when we don’t know what to do. It has to do with our ability to think up important questions and then to find ways to get useful answers.”
• “One thing I’ve found useful, when helping kids go through this process, is to make three lists. One list is for things that come easily, things that you would do anyway, whether or not you sat down and made a plan about them. The second list is for things that you want to work on but feel you need some help with—maybe suggestions of ways to pursue the activity, or maybe some sort of schedule or plan regarding it. The third list is for things you want to put aside for a while, things you don’t want to work on right now.”

About the Author

John Holt and Pat Farenga are both influential figures in the field of education, particularly in the realm of homeschooling and alternative education.

John Holt (1923-1985) was an American educator, author, and advocate for educational reform. He is best known for his progressive views on education and his belief in the importance of child-centered learning. Holt challenged traditional schooling methods and argued that children learn best when they are actively engaged and have the freedom to explore their interests. His influential books, such as “How Children Fail” and “How Children Learn,” sparked a movement that emphasized self-directed learning and homeschooling as viable alternatives to conventional education.

Pat Farenga, a student and collaborator of John Holt, has played a significant role in continuing Holt’s work and promoting homeschooling as a valid educational option. After Holt’s death, Farenga worked closely with the Holt Associates and founded Holt Associates International, which provides support and resources to homeschooling families. He has written several books, including “Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling,” co-authored with John Holt. Farenga is known for his efforts to spread awareness about homeschooling, empower parents as primary educators, and advocate for educational freedom and choice.

Both John Holt and Pat Farenga have made substantial contributions to the educational landscape by challenging traditional schooling paradigms and championing alternative approaches that prioritize the needs and interests of individual learners. Their work continues to inspire and inform parents, educators, and policymakers seeking innovative and student-centered educational models.

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Can’t quite get to all the nonfiction and self-help books that interest you? Read Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday here.

Who would’ve thought that offering rewards is a horrible way to motivate someone to learn? In Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes, Alfie Kohn, a well-known proponent of self-directed education, makes just this argument—and just may change everything you think you know about prizes, trophies, gold stars—even grades.

Key Takeaways

• Behaviorism—the idea that human behavior can and should be controlled through externally motivating factors—is our cultural paradigm, and its legitimacy goes largely unquestioned. But this is not the only way to motivate kids to learn, and certainly not the best one.
• Rewards and punishments are sometimes effective, but mostly just in the short-term; long-term, they often backfire. There are five main reasons for this: They manipulate. People don’t like to be manipulated or told what to do. Secondly, they rupture relationships. People begin to do nice things for rewards rather than out of true altruism and caring. Thirdly, they don’t get to the root of the problem. They don’t help us discover why the “bad” behavior or lack of desire to learn is there in the first place. Fourthly, they discourage risk-taking. They cause people to not want to fail. Fifth and finally, and, most importantly: They cause people to lose interest in a task for its own sake. Learning, one of the most natural pleasures of the human experience, is no longer considered fun.
• The author tells the story of an old man being harassed by some children who decided to pay them to tease him. After he gradually lowered the payment, they lost interest in the activity and stopped.
• Learning declines when learning activities are extrinsically motivated.
• Verbal praise is one of the most-used rewards, and one of the most problematic. The reasons for this include: First, it signals low ability. When kids are praised for something they did easily, or something they did poorly, it makes them feel they’re being treated like a child or an idiot. Second, it causes praise addiction. Praising a child’s intelligence, for example, causes them to create an unhealthy identification with their intelligence that makes them afraid to fail, especially in front of others. Third, it reduces interest in a task. Kids who are overly praised for a particular activity assume the praise is meant to get them to do something they wouldn’t do otherwise. This assumption causes them to no longer desire to perform the activity.
• Praise is a way to keep children dependent on us. It’s a shortcut—an external motivator that appears internal. Therefore, when you praise, praise specific tasks or effort. Don’t praise intelligence or skill in general. Make praise as specific as possible.
• Avoid phony praise.
• Avoid praise that sets up a competition.
• This challenge also applies to the workplace. We think we can motivate people externally, but we can’t. We can only set up conditions in which their inner drive/motivation is able to thrive.
• How can we do this? Studies support using the 3 C’s: ollaboration (give them good people to work with); content (give them meaningful work); and choice (give them autonomy).

About the Author

Alfie Kohn is an American author, speaker, and educational theorist known for his work on progressive education, parenting, and the critique of traditional schooling practices. Kohn holds a Bachelor’s degree in English from Brown University and a Master’s degree in Education from Harvard University. He has been a prominent voice in the field of education for several decades and has written extensively on topics such as motivation, discipline, standardized testing, and the role of rewards and punishments in learning.

One of Kohn’s central ideas is the concept of “unconditional parenting” and the belief that children thrive when they are supported and respected rather than controlled or manipulated. He challenges conventional wisdom and encourages parents and educators to focus on fostering intrinsic motivation, critical thinking, and a love of learning in children.

Through his books, including Punished by Rewards, The Schools Our Children Deserve, and Unconditional Parenting, Kohn presents thought-provoking arguments and research-based insights into the effects of various educational strategies on students’ well-being and learning outcomes. He challenges conventional wisdom and offers alternative approaches grounded in research and progressive educational philosophies.

As a speaker and presenter, Kohn has delivered lectures and workshops to educators, parents, and policymakers worldwide, sharing his ideas and engaging in discussions about transforming education to better serve the needs of all students.

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The Soul of Discipline: The Simplicity Parenting Approach to Warm, Firm, and Calm Guidance- From Toddlers to Teens by Kim John Payne is yet another parenting offering in this series, and my justification for that is simple: raising kids is hard. The more books you read, the better chances you have to get it (mostly) right, particularly books about discipline.

Key Takeaways

• Kids misbehave when they feel disoriented. They seek our attention through disruptive or whiny behavior in order to seek reassurance.
• Keep kids’ lives simple. Provide a calm, safe and routine-based environment that allows them to not get overwhelmed.
• When disciplining a child, reorient them to family values, such as by saying, “In our family, we don’t speak to each other like that; we just don’t.”
• Maintain a healthy skepticism surrounding products marketed to children, especially books and other media. Allow only media that supports your family’s values.
• “Suggestions and choices needed to be replaced by simple, clear, firm instructions.”
• Before offering an instruction, connect with the child and orient them to the task. Explain what is happening and why.
• If you find yourself talking or instructing constantly, try a “No Request–No Suggest Diet” in which you take a break from these activities. Notice which requests and suggestions did not need to be made. When you do make suggestions, do so mindfully and always follow through.
• Beware of role confusion. It’s important for kids to know that you are in charge.
• Sometimes, kids need a more direct approach, and other times, they need us to proceed slowly and gently. Gentle parenting is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Read your child’s emotions at the moment, and adjust accordingly, as you would in any other social situation.
• Take a few minutes every day to connect with your child. Don’t just direct traffic all day.
• When offering a difficult instruction, do so in a mindful manner in a quiet place.
• Make instructions specific and simple, especially for easily distracted children.
• In many cases it’s best not to negotiate, justify or converse about these instructions. Simply repeat the instruction gently.
• Demonstrate physically what you want the child to do. Children are excellent imitators.
• Don’t overuse time-outs, as they are rejection-based punishments and not as effective for self-reflection as some other consequences are.
• By contrast, time-ins (times with the parent alone to calm down) can be helpful. Use the time to discuss the difficulty or problematic behavior.
• “Remember that there is no such thing as a disobedient child … only a disoriented one.”

About the Author

Kim John Payne is an author, educator, education consultant and researcher. He is most known for his books Simplicity Parenting and The Soul of Discipline. His work focuses on creating balanced, harmonious, and supportive environments for children, and he emphasizes the importance of simplicity, rhythm, and connection in family life.

In addition to his writing, Kim John Payne gives lectures, workshops, and trainings for parents, educators, and professionals. He is a sought-after speaker and has appeared on numerous radio and television programs to discuss his approach to parenting and education.

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Can’t quite get to all the nonfiction and self-help books that interest you? Read Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday here.

Superfreakonomics: Global Cooling, Patriotic Prostitutes and Why Suicide Bombers Should Buy Life Insurance by Steven D. Hevitt and Stephen J. Dubner, the equally fascinating follow-up to Freakonomics, draws unexpected, unintuitive conclusions about how world economics really works–how it influences our behavior, personal relationships and daily lives. Read it and/or its predecessor for a hint of how complicated the world really is.

Key Takeaways

• People respond to incentives, and sometimes these incentives lead to unexpected or counterintuitive outcomes. That’s the central message of Freakonomics and its successor, Superfreakonomics. From the effect of legalized abortion on crime rates to the cheating of sumo wrestlers in Japan, incentives have an enormous, complicating and surprising effect on real-life problems.
• Sometimes, phenomenon can be explained by analyzing incentives, and other times, phenomenon (such as social problems) can be changed or altered by altering getting the incentives right. As an example, the authors describe a hospital program that encouraged doctors to wash hand by placing a scan of a bacteria-filled hand taken from an actual doctor in that hospital as a screen saver on the hospital computers. The authors also discuss the problem of global warming at length, describing a group of Seattle-based inventors that might have solved it by adding liquefied sulfur dioxide to the air.
• The authors also emphasize the effect of information asymmetry, where one party in a transaction possesses more information than the other. They discuss how certain professionals or experts might exploit this information gap to their advantage and examine scenarios such as the disparity between real estate agents’ incentives and those of their clients and the disparity between teachers’ incentives and students’ educational outcomes.
• The authors also stress the importance of distinguishing between correlation and causation when interpreting data and drawing conclusions. They caution against making assumptions about causality based solely on observed correlations. The authors illustrate this concept by examining topics like the link between parenting practices and children’s outcomes, the relationship between names and success, and the impact of drug dealers’ income. Through these examples, they demonstrate how deeper analysis is required to determine true cause-and-effect relationships.
• The economics of prostitution, terrorism, suicide bombing, hospital management, seatbelt use and more are also discussed.
• On prostitution, the authors state that contrary to common belief, it is safer and more profitable for sex workers to be managed by a pimp. Also, people might not realize that a large percentage of tricks are done for policeman as freebies, and lots of street prostitutes make very good money.
• The authors also discuss the differences between good behavior that’s due to profit motive and good behavior that’s due to true altruism.
• The authors argue that it is much easier to raise charity funds with personal stories than with statistics and data.
• The author discusses how, due to the power of unintended consequences, the best fixes are often the simplest and cheapest. Examples of this are the polio vaccine; the practice of hand washing by doctors; and the seatbelt.

About the Authors

Steven D. Levitt is an American economist and professor at the University of Chicago. He is renowned for his research in the field of microeconomics, particularly applying economic principles to unconventional topics.

Stephen J. Dubner is an American author, journalist, and podcast host. He is best known for his collaboration with Steven Levitt on the Freakonomics series. In addition to writing, he is the host of the popular podcast “Freakonomics Radio,” where he and Levitt explore economic concepts and their applications in various areas of life.

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Can’t quite get to all the nonfiction and self-help books that interest you? Read Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday here.

I wasn’t entirely sure I’d like The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker. I know what fear is; what else is there to say? Turns out, quite a bit. Fear isn’t what I thought it was, says de Becker. It’s not worry, anxiety, or sudden emotional reactions to scary moments. Instead, it’s the healthy, life-sustaining, adaptive, instinctive physical and emotional response that occurs when your life or health is experiencing a true threat.

Read this book to learn about the ways fear can help you survive and thrive–and how to use this helpful instinct to your advantage.

Key Takeaways

• This book explores the nature of fear and how people can better recognize and respond to potential threats. It relates many stories about people in life-or-death situations who responded correctly to their sudden fear reaction. One woman, for example, left her home after an attack with an instinctive knowing her attacker planned to kill her, even though he told her he would not. It was only later she realized how she knew: he closed the bedroom window before leaving the room.
• When something feels wrong, it probably is, the author writes. Listen to your intuitive knowing that you might be in danger. Instinct, which is based on unconsciously held background knowledge and unconsciously gathered information in the immediate environment, is more often right than reason, which doesn’t draw from as many sources of information.
• “Satellites” are comments thrown into a conversation seemingly at random. They come from the subconscious and should be explored seriously. They often provide the answer to a question of safety. An example of a satellite: In an offhand way during the author’s conversation with a woman receiving written threats, she mentioned a new friend she had made recently while considering selling her house. That man was the person making the threats, and intended to buy her house.
• Fear and anxiety are very different. Fear happens in response to real danger. Anxiety is worry in the face of uncertainty, and can be about almost anything. It is about predictions in which you have little confidence. By contrast … “Predictions about which you have high confidence free you to respond, adjust, feel sadness, accept, prepare, or do whatever is needed.”
• Worry is not informative, but fear is very informative. Always listen to real fear. “The very fact that you fear something means that it’s not happening.” It always involves a future prediction. Remembering that will help you not panic.
• The author also quotes Helen Keller, who said, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Whatever challenges we face, we need to believe we can overcome them.

About the Author

Gavin de Becker is a security specialist and consultant who has advised high-profile clients, including government officials, celebrities, and corporations. His book The Gift of Fear emphasizes the importance of listening to one’s intuition and situational awareness to stay safe in potentially dangerous situations. Becker’s other books include Protecting the Gift and Fear Less. De Becker is recognized for his work in assessing and managing potential threats, providing protection strategies, and analyzing patterns of violence. He emphasizes the importance of trusting our intuition as a valuable tool for detecting danger and taking proactive steps to protect ourselves and others.

De Becker’s career began in the field of security in the 1970s when he worked as a security guard. He later founded Gavin de Becker & Associates, a consulting firm specializing in security and risk assessment for high-profile individuals, government agencies, and corporations. The firm provides services such as threat assessment, executive protection, and consultation on stalking cases.

As a speaker, de Becker has delivered presentations and training sessions to diverse audiences, including law enforcement agencies, corporations, and government organizations. He shares his insights on personal safety, violence prevention, and risk management.

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Can’t quite get to all the nonfiction and self-help books that interest you? Read Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday here.

Ariel Gore might or might not be a famous author. I suppose it depends on how you define the term. However, How to Become a Famous Writer Before You’re Dead by this experienced author offers solid advice for the professional writer (famous or not).

Read it because you’re curious what it takes to be a published author, and you want to learn about the publishing part, not just the writing part.

Key Takeaways

• In this book, experienced nonfiction author Ariel Gore offers practical tips and advice on both writing and publishing, encouraging not-yet-established writers to be professional, consistent, and constantly growing.
• Self-publish on any scale, Gore advises. The journey is the destination.
• Find an agent who publishes/reads what you write.
• Go longhand. You’ll edit less, and choose words more carefully.
• Get a book on proposal writing.
• Try this exercise: Write a story using no adjectives or adverbs. It might help you break the habit of overdescribing.
• Rush it! Try writing a whole book in a month. This can give you a sense of accomplishment and confidence in your abilities.
• Don’t use words that mean “said.” use “said,” or leave quotes bare.
• Don’t use words like plethora, myriad, or sleepily. Show, don’t tell.
• Consider getting published in an anthology initially. Alternatively, create a zine or a blog to get published on a regular basis.

About the Author

Ariel Gore is a writer and editor known for her memoirs and non-fiction works. Her books include Atlas of the Human Heart, The Hip Mama Survival Guide, and We Were Witches. Gore is recognized for her unique and honest storytelling style, often exploring themes of feminism, motherhood, alternative lifestyles, and personal growth.

As an educator, Gore has taught writing workshops and classes at various institutions, including the University of New Mexico, the Institute of American Indian Arts, and The Attic Institute. She is known for her nurturing and empowering approach to teaching writing, particularly to marginalized voices.

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Can’t quite get to all the nonfiction and self-help books that interest you? Read Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday here.

Lori Gottlieb is one of my new favorite memoirists, and I especially like her because we share a profession. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed is as juicy as you want a memoir to be, but also as practical and enlightening.

Read it because you are considering going to therapy and you want to know what it can do for you. Or because you love a good memoir as much as I do.

Key Takeaways

• Wendell explains that my pain feels like it’s in the present, but it’s actually in both the past and the future.
• He complains that his wife is depressed (although, as the saying goes, “Before diagnosing people with depression, make sure they’re not surrounded by assholes”),
• The therapist explained that often different parts of ourselves want different things, and if we silence the parts we find unacceptable, they’ll find other ways to be heard. He asked the guy to sit in a different chair, across the room, and see what happened when the part of him that chose to cheat wasn’t shoved aside but got to say its piece. At first the poor guy was at a loss, but gradually,
• Years later, when I’ve done thousands of first sessions, and information-gathering has become second nature, I’ll use a different barometer to judge how it went: Did the patient feel understood? It always amazes me that someone can walk into a room as a stranger and then, after fifty minutes, leave feeling understood, but it happens nearly every time. When it doesn’t, the patient doesn’t return. And because Michelle did, something had gone right. As for the clock snafu, though, my supervisor doesn’t mince words: “Don’t bullshit your patients.” She lets that sink in, then goes on to explain that if I don’t know something, I should simply say, “I don’t know.” If I’m confused about the time, I should tell Michelle that I need to step out of the room for a second to bring in a working clock so that I’m not distracted. If I’m to learn anything in this traineeship, my supervisor emphasizes, it’s that I can’t help anybody unless I’m authentic in that room. I had cared about Michelle’s well-being, I’d wanted
• The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm had made this point more than fifty years earlier: “Modern man thinks he loses something—time—when he does not do things quickly; yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains except kill it.” Fromm was right; people didn’t use extra time earned to relax or connect with friends or family. Instead, they tried to cram more in.
• The night before, as I tried to relax in bed with a novel, I came across a character who described his constant worry as “a relentless need to escape a moment that never ends.” Exactly, I thought. For the past few weeks, every second has been linked to the next by worry.
• In the 1980s, a psychologist named James Prochaska developed the transtheoretical model of behavior change (TTM) based on research showing that people generally don’t “just do it,” as Nike (or a new year’s resolution) might have it, but instead tend to move through a series of sequential stages that look like this: Stage 1: Pre-contemplation Stage 2: Contemplation Stage 3: Preparation Stage 4: Action Stage 5: Maintenance
• Of course, therapists aren’t persuaders. We can’t convince an anorexic to eat. We can’t convince an alcoholic not to drink. We can’t convince people not to be self-destructive, because for now, the self-destruction serves them. What we can do is try to help them understand themselves better and show them how to ask themselves the right questions until something happens—either internally or externally—that leads them to do their own persuading.
• People often start therapy during the contemplation stage. A woman in a long-distance relationship says that her boyfriend keeps delaying his planned move to her city, and she acknowledges that he’s probably not coming—but she won’t break up with him. A man knows that his wife has been having an affair, but when we talk about it, he comes up with excuses for where she might be when she’s not answering her texts so that he doesn’t have to confront her. Here people procrastinate or self-sabotage as a way to stave off change—even positive change—because they’re reluctant to give something up without knowing what they’ll get in its place. The hiccup at this stage is that change involves the loss of the old and the anxiety of the new. Although often maddening for friends and partners to witness, this hamster wheel is part of the process; people need to do the same thing over and over a seemingly ridiculous number of times before they’re ready to change.

About the Author

Lori Gottlieb is an American author, psychotherapist, and journalist known for her work in the field of psychology and mental health. Born on February 14, 1967, Gottlieb has made significant contributions to the field through her writing and therapeutic practice.

Gottlieb earned a Bachelor’s degree in literature from Yale University and a Master’s degree in clinical psychology from Stanford University. She has worked as a psychotherapist for over 20 years, providing therapy to individuals and couples.

Gottlieb’s writing often combines personal anecdotes, psychological insights, and humor to explore the complexities of human relationships and the challenges of navigating life’s transitions. She is known for her candid and relatable approach to discussing mental health issues and self-discovery.

One of Gottlieb’s most well-known works is the book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed,” published in 2019. In this memoir, she shares her experiences both as a therapist and as a patient, offering readers a glimpse into the therapeutic process and the universal human struggles that therapy can help address. The book became a New York Times bestseller and received critical acclaim for its empathy, authenticity, and thought-provoking exploration of the human condition.

In addition to her therapy practice and writing, Gottlieb has contributed to various publications, including The Atlantic and The New York Times. Her articles cover a wide range of topics related to mental health, relationships, and personal growth.

Gottlieb’s work has resonated with readers and helped reduce the stigma surrounding mental health issues. Through her writing and therapeutic practice, she continues to shed light on the complexities of the human mind and foster understanding and compassion for those facing emotional challenges.

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Talent Is Overrated: What Really Separates World-class Performers from Everybody Else by Geoff Colvin sounds like a lot of other books. In my experience, however, it’s pretty unique. Its insight and examples have come to mind many, many times in the years since I first read it, and though its message sounds pie-in-the-sky at first, it isn’t trite or obvious.

Read this book because you want to get really good at something and you aren’t yet sure you know how.

Key Takeaways

• Extraordinary skill is not the result of intelligence, natural talent or even the sheer amount of practice one undertakes. Instead, it is the result of something the author calls deliberate practice.
• Natural talent might not even exist; it might be a misnomer or a cultural construct. As an example, one Hungarian psychologist raised his three daughters to become chess champions to show that chess is not correlated with special talent–and they all did.
• Mozart was likely not born with talent, even though he is widely considered to be a child prodigy. His father pushed him to learn music at a very early age, and his first works were not exceptional.
• There is no clear correlation between smartness and job performance. Performance is more related to practice, experience and other factors.
• Surprisingly, memory is also not grown through intelligence, but through creating or finding patterns that offer structure to the information. An example of this is found in chess: Experienced chess players can memorize a board quickly–even play blind–because they memorize the pattern of the board, not the individual pieces.
• A better way to develop skill rather than relying on intelligence: use deliberate practice. Deliberate practice is very different from regular practice and is not always the most fun or easy way to improve. It involves practicing at a pace or level that is a bit past your current level–that pushes you somewhat. An example is an athlete who does difficult and necessary conditioning exercises every morning rather than spending that time doing what they love: playing their sport.
• Deliberate practice helps you perceive more, so you learn more quickly. It encourages faster brain processing, faster reaction times and the ability to look further ahead.
• There are three steps to practicing deliberately: Set challenging goals; observe your progress; and get objective feedback.
• Applying these principles to the business world, organizations should challenge employees more rather than have them simply repeat what they’re already good at.
• Deliberate practice is hard, and takes passion, especially at first. However, your passion grows as you receive more of the rewards that come with building your desired skill. Your sense of pride kicks in when you start to see progress, but not before. So stick with it.

About the Author

Geoff Colvin is a journalist and author who has written extensively on business and economics. His books include Talent is Overrated, which argues that deliberate practice is the key to success, and Humans are Underrated, which explores the ways in which technology is changing the nature

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You may never want to write a memoir, but if you do, here’s your go-to reference: The Memoir Project: A Thoroughly Non-Standardized Text for Writing & Life by Marion Roach Smith. On second thought: Who doesn’t want to write a memoir?

I love a good memoir. Love reading them. Love writing them. Let me know when yours is available for purchase.

Key Takeaways

• The special quality of a memoir is that they can examine the small moments of life and find extraordinary meaning in them.
• Tell the truth. You can know if you are doing so because when you do, you will have a genuine emotional reaction to your words.
• Know your story’s main argument–its point–and break that down into small sections, so that each is fully demonstrated and supported in the text. “Let’s say your one sentence—your argument (and all books are an argument, no matter how small)—is that life is really hard unless you get a good cat to live with. Great. Here’s how that will break down. By each phrase: Life. Is hard. Really hard. Unless. You get. A good cat. To live with.”
• Don’t overexplain your point. “What Ernest Hemingway taught us in the last century still gives good weight: What you leave out of the story is perhaps more important than what you put in.”
• Don’t be flowery, or ornate, or too precious, or too beautiful on purpose. Don’t overwrite! Quoting Elmore Leonard, the author writes, “If I come across anything in my work that smacks of ‘good writing,’ I immediately strike it out.”
• “Print out your draft and write in the margin what each paragraph does. This is called indexing.” After indexing, note whether or not each section of your work has achieved every goal you have for it.
• Edit relentlessly. Be exceedingly cautious in this endeavor; take it seriously. “Pencil in hand, touch each word in every sentence, make hard decisions. Is there a shorter way to say this? A cleaner, more precise way? Each phrase needs to be assessed and judged.”
• Good stories are often very simple ones. ” … While I’ve heard a bazillion pitches over the years, the one I keep always in mind when I write and edit is simply ‘I left.’ Perhaps you left a way of thinking, a husband, or a habit. Perhaps you left one house and moved into another, and in doing so upped the ante on anything from your decorating to the drama in your life … We are fascinated by how people change and need little more than the moment of intuition to the moment of exit to keep our interest.”

About the Author

Marion Roach Smith is an American author, journalist, and writing instructor known for her expertise in memoir writing. With a background in journalism, she has written for publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and Newsday.

Roach Smith is the author of several books, including “The Memoir Project: A Thoroughly Non-Standardized Text for Writing and Life” and “The Roots of Desire: The Myth, Meaning, and Sexual Power of Red Hair.” In “The Memoir Project,” she offers practical advice and exercises to help aspiring writers craft compelling memoirs. Roach Smith emphasizes the importance of finding unique and personal stories, honing writing skills, and capturing readers’ attention through authenticity and emotional resonance.

Beyond her books, Roach Smith has taught memoir writing workshops and seminars, sharing her expertise and guiding aspiring writers in capturing their life experiences on the page. Her teaching approach focuses on helping individuals discover their own stories and find their authentic voice in memoir writing.

Roach Smith is known for her engaging and accessible style, combining personal anecdotes, writing techniques, and a passion for storytelling. She encourages writers to explore their memories, embrace vulnerability, and uncover the universal truths within their own lived experiences.

As of my knowledge cutoff in September 2021, Marion Roach Smith continues to be active in the field of memoir writing and teaching. For the most up-to-date information on her work and offerings, I recommend referring to reliable sources or her official website.

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Being vulnerable isn’t comfortable, but it is an essential element of close relationships. It’s kinda like going on a trip: there are unknowns and inconveniences, but there is also adventure and fun. Inevitably, one goes along with the other.

Brown’s writing style in her most widely read book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, can be a bit tedious at times, but the main message is the important thing: don’t be safe. Take risks. Embrace the vulnerability adventure.

Read this book to internalize this lesson and learn how to put it into practice.

Key Takeaways

• In this and other books, the author argues that vulnerability is not a weakness, but a strength. This is, in large part, because it is an important element in an authentic, wholehearted life.
• The title of the book comes from a quote by Theodore Roosevelt, where he praises those who are “in the arena” daring greatly, even if they experience failure or criticism.
• “Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences,” she writes.
• The two biggest hindrances to vulnerability are fear and shame. Recognizing deeply held fears as well as shame triggers is an important step toward developing resilience.
• Practicing self-compassion is another way to overcome shame.
• When trying to understand someone’s seemingly harmful behavior, notice how shame and fear of vulnerability might play a part. Selfishness, for example, might reveal a fear of being ordinary.
• To find out what areas of life bring you shame, examine your “never enough” stories. In what way do you feel inadequate?
• Sometimes, we associate vulnerability ” … with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment—emotions that we don’t want to discuss, even when they profoundly affect the way we live, love, work, and even lead. What most of us fail to understand and what took me a decade of research to learn is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”

About the Author

Brené Brown is an author, speaker, and research professor who has gained widespread recognition for her work on topics such as vulnerability, courage, shame, and empathy. Born in 1965 in San Antonio, Texas, Brown holds a Bachelor of Social Work degree from the University of Texas at Austin, a Master of Social Work degree, and a Ph.D. in Social Work from the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work.

Brown’s research focuses on human emotions and how they impact our connections with others. She has conducted extensive studies on shame and vulnerability, exploring how these emotions influence our ability to engage in authentic relationships and embrace our true selves. Through her research, Brown has developed transformative insights and strategies for cultivating resilience, empathy, and wholehearted living.

One of Brown’s most influential books is “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are,” published in 2010. In this book, she encourages readers to embrace vulnerability, cultivate self-compassion, and let go of the pressure to meet societal expectations. Brown shares her personal experiences and provides practical tools for living a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Brown’s work has resonated with millions of people worldwide, and she has given popular TED Talks that have garnered millions of views. Her engaging speaking style and ability to blend personal anecdotes with research findings have made her a sought-after speaker and educator. Through her books, talks, and workshops, Brown has inspired countless individuals to embrace vulnerability, develop resilience, and foster deeper connections with others.

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I suppose it’s a self-help, but it’s funny to think of it that way. After all, author Haruki Murakami is a philosopher, not a salesperson. Still, don’t read What I Talk About When I Talk About Running for a suspenseful plot or a colorful cast of characters. Think of it as a book that feels like a conversation. Oh, and listen carefully to that conversation. Take notes. This is self-help.

Key Takeaways

• Mundane acts aren’t mundane. They’re actually pretty important. They reveal one’s philosophy of life. Murakami writes, “Somerset Maugham once wrote that in each shave lies a philosophy. I couldn’t agree more. No matter how mundane some action might appear, keep at it long enough and it becomes a contemplative, even meditative act.”
• Don’t try to be something you’re not. Murakami writes, “Nobody ever recommended or even desired that I be a novelist—in fact, some tried to stop me. I had the idea to be one, and that’s what I did. Likewise, a person doesn’t become a runner because someone recommends it. People basically become runners because they’re meant to.”
• There really is such a thing as hitting a wall, and sometimes, you can feel yourself doing so. “While I was enduring all this, around the forty-seventh mile I felt like I’d passed through something. That’s what it felt like. Passed through is the only way I can express it. Like my body had passed clean through a stone wall. At what exact point I felt like I’d made it through, I can’t recall, but suddenly I noticed I was already on the other side. I was convinced I’d made it through. I don’t know about the logic or the process or the method involved—I was simply convinced of the reality that I’d passed through. After that, I didn’t have to think anymore. Or, more precisely, there wasn’t the need to try to consciously think about not thinking. All I had to do was go with the flow . . . In this state, after I’d passed through this unseen barrier, I started passing a lot of other runners . . . Since I was on autopilot, if someone had told me to keep on running I might well have run beyond sixty-two miles.” Wow.
• “Usually when I approach the end of a marathon, all I want to do is get it over with, and finish the race as soon as possible. That’s all I can think of. But as I drew near the end of this ultramarathon, I wasn’t really thinking about this. The end of the race is just a temporary marker without much significance.
• Life has meaning, and it’s up to us to figure out what it is. “It’s the same with our lives. Just because there’s an end doesn’t mean existence has meaning.”
• Pauses in passion are normal. “My lifestyle gradually changed, and I no longer considered running the point of life. In other words, a mental gap began to develop between me and running. Just like when you lose the initial crazy feeling you have when you fall in love.”
• Sometimes, that passion comes back. Especially if you just keep going. “Now I feel like I’m finally getting away from the runner’s-blues fog that’s surrounded me for so long. Not that I’ve completely rid myself of it, but I can sense something beginning to stir. In the morning as I lace up my running shoes, I can catch a faint sign of something in the air …”
• Running is life. Everything you do is life. The important thing to do is to persist. “Thus the seasons come and go, and the years pass by. I’ll age one more year, and probably finish another novel. One by one, I’ll face the tasks before me and complete them as best I can. Focusing on each stride forward, but at the same time taking a long-range view, scanning the scenery as far ahead as I can. I am, after all, a long-distance runner. My time, the rank I attain, my outward appearance—all of these are secondary. For me, the main goal of exercising is to maintain, and improve, my physical condition in order to keep on writing novels, so if races and training cut into the time I need to write, this would be putting the cart before the horse.”

About the Author

Haruki Murakami is a highly acclaimed Japanese novelist known for his unique and imaginative storytelling. His works often blend elements of magical realism, surrealism, and the mundane, creating a distinct narrative style that has gained him a dedicated international following.

With one of the best titles in modern nonfiction, What Makes Your Brain Happy (And Why You Should Do the Opposite) delivers on its promise of surprising, delightful–even humorous–insight. In it, author David Di Salvo investigates the many and varied ways our minds trick us into making poor decisions.

Read it to increase your self-awareness and to stop falling into the same traps, time and time again. Oh, and read it to reassure yourself that you’re not the only one who has done so.

Key Takeaways

• This book investigates the cognitive biases and misconceptions that often influence our decision-making and behavior. It offers strategies for overcoming these biases and making more informed choices that lead to greater happiness and success.
• DiSalvo’s overall point: Rational thinking often eludes us. We must be aware of our shortcomings in this area in order to at least sometimes avoid harmful consequences of our illogical thinking.
• Beware of your innate need for certainty: sometimes, it might cause you to jump to conclusions. Humans crave certainty. There is a distinct, physical, chemical pleasure response from coming up with a reason or an explanation. This leads to all kinds of false conclusions. 
• Beware of any impulse to attach meaning to coincidence. People are prone to doing so, making causal inferences from scant information. 
• Beware of your innate need for control: A driving force of our actions and thoughts is our desire too feel we have agency, even when we don’t. Know when and when not to let go of the reigns. 
• Beware of your innate loss aversion. We try to avoid loss at all costs, even over gaining something new that might outweigh that loss. Get comfortable with loss and risk; it’s not always a bad thing.
• Beware of your innate confirmation bias. We give undue weight and even seek out confirming evidence for things we already believe. 
• Know what your motivation style is. Some people are motivated by achievement and some are motivated by enjoyment. Achievement-motivated people presented by a word puzzle characterized by researchers as “fun” didn’t do as well as when characterized as “a challenge.” The opposite was true of enjoyment motivated individuals. So, it’s important to know your own motivators.
• Don’t overestimate your self-control! Smokers who were trying to quit were randomly characterized by researchers as having high or low self-control as compared with the norm. When tempted later, the latter group succeeded more often in resisting the cigarette, because they didn’t expect themselves to control themselves when faced with temptation; instead, they changed their environments to set them up for success.
• Beware of your natural competitiveness. It can be a good thing, but don’t let marketers (like those on Ebay!) create a false or unhelpful desire to win. Know that the hunt is often more exciting than the capture.
• Beware of your unquenchable desire for more. Your brain is programmed to always want and seek the next great thing. The actual acquiring of it is often a letdown.
• Beware of habituation, which causes you to take good things for granted. This happens in relationships, but also with large purchases such as a new car.
• Don’t confuse wanting and liking–these are two very different things. They even activate different parts of the brain. Things you want aren’t always the things that make you feel good and give you pleasure.
• Outsource carefully. Sometimes, it’s healthy and helpful to leave decisions to other people, or to go along with what’s most popular. It helps us conserve mental energy in a highly complex society. However, don’t outsource the stuff that most matters to you.
• Beware of your visual and other sensory biases. We are unduly affected by seeing objects that seem to confirm something is true that we already believe is true. An example is when someone who’s trying to persuade people in a meeting about the need to improve air quality lifts “… three massive bound documents and drops them with a thud on the lectern.” No matter that no explanation of the volumes is given–we believe the documents contain evidence of their statements. We also inexplicably associate warm things with warm feelings and cold things with cold feelings unconsciously.
• Beware of overly simple messages. The easier to understand that a concept is, the more likely it is to be remembered and accepted. Watch out for this; it’s how propaganda usually works.
• Don’t accept nominal (face) value over real value. For example, a two percent raise in an economy that has experienced four percent inflation is actually a loss.
• Be on the lookout for unhelpful regret. While it’s normal to always question what would’ve happened if (fill in the blank), you never truly know what would have happened in any given hypothetical future.
• Beware of impulsiveness. It’s not your friend. The best way to overcome impulsiveness is distraction (even chimps do this!). 
• Beware of overly hyping your own abilities. In one study people who asked themselves if they could accomplish a challenging task did better than those who told themselves they could.
• Beware of your biases. The feeling of being right isn’t the same as being right! Question your own biases or possible biases relentlessly.
• Beware of your confidence in your ability to predict the future. In general, people are much worse at this than they expect or believe themselves to be.
• Beware of guiding metaphors and other fancy word games. Metaphors are powerful convincers because they create a lens through which the rest of the argument (both sides) is viewed–and sometimes that lens skews the issue. Also, word priming greatly affects our perceptions. In one study most people mistook the smell of roses for chili peppers simply because the bag they were in was named “chili peppers.” Repetition is also a hugely convincing verbal style and all of us believe at least some of what we are repeatedly told.
• Make tangible goals. Engage social pressure to keep you accountable, if helpful.
• Don’t rely on your own memory. Have a healthy degree of humility about how accurate you recall past events. For a variety of reasons, memory is often much less accurate than we realize.
• When making decisions, slow down. Be aware of the influence of pre-existing beliefs. Check the availability of all information.
• Get fast feedback—this helps you accomplish more than any other factor. Ask for it. Create it. 
• Make checklists and use them. 

About the Author

David DiSalvo is an American science writer and author known for his books and articles that bridge the gap between science and everyday life. His writing explores various topics related to psychology, neuroscience, and behavior, offering practical insights and strategies for personal growth and well-being. He has a talent for making complex scientific concepts accessible to a general audience and applying them to everyday life situations.

DiSalvo’s writing style is engaging and thought-provoking, encouraging readers to think critically and consider the implications of scientific findings in their own lives. His work has gained recognition for its blend of scientific rigor, practicality, and relatibility.

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Someone once told me that The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk is “part of Therapy 101.” That might be true, and it might not, but lots and lots of people have definitely read and benefited from this book.

While as a therapist I don’t specialize in trauma, and I don’t have as strongly positive of a reaction to this book as many others have had, I do appreciate its message and realize that it has been important to the furthering of trauma awareness in our culture.

Read it because you want to understand the ways traumatic experiences have affected you both emotionally and physically, and because you want to take Therapy 101.

Key Takeaways

• This book describes the physical and emotional scars left by trauma. It helps the reader understand the effects it might have had on their bodies as well as their lives.
• People who experience healthy upbringings are less likely to experience traumatic events in their adult lives. Partly, this is because people who believe themselves to be worthy of love, and were always told they were worthy of love, don’t see people who disagree with that view as viable friends and partners.
• On the other hand, people with traumatic childhoods might expect poor treatment; it may even feel like home. Their “inner map” of what normal, healthy relationships look like is different.
• The book describes the ways that trauma affects cells and immune systems, citing studies that support these conclusions. For example, people with trauma might have more memory-holding cells in their immune systems.
• It might not be important to fully recall the events of trauma in detail, since if you do so, you run the risk of becoming retraumatized. Trauma therapy must be performed carefully, as flashbacks and other somatic reenactments can occur.
• Trauma inhibits the self-sensing part of the brain, causing repression, and some people might need to relearn how to be in tune with their bodies. When healing from trauma, it is important to pay attention to your bodily sensations, including your breath, muscular tension, emotional responses in the body and the like. This can help you notice when you are triggered.
• Some people who have had severe trauma might find a sense of satisfaction and excitement in the natural fight-or-flight response that is associated with abuse and trauma. This is because it takes them out of the withdrawal they often experience in daily life.
• The ventral vagal complex, including the vagus nerve, which slows down our acute symptoms of stress and deepens our breathing, does not work as well in people with chronic trauma.
• It is important for people with trauma to be socially involved and to develop trust and safety in the presence of others. Emotional attunement can alleviate distress and increase distress tolerance.
• Sometimes, in therapy, people who have experienced trauma can heal in a “bottom-up” approach. They can learn to attune to their bodies and self-calm physically, which will then calm them emotionally as well.
• “Visiting the past in therapy should be done while people are, biologically speaking, firmly rooted in the present and feeling as calm, safe, and grounded as possible. (“Grounded” means that you can feel your butt in your chair, see the light coming through the window, feel the tension in your calves, and hear the wind stirring the tree outside.)”
• Strong emotions can block pain–temporarily, of course–in people with trauma. This is another reason people with trauma might unconsciously make reckless choices.

About the Author

Bessel van der Kolk is a Dutch-American psychiatrist and author known for his expertise in the field of trauma and the effects of trauma on the human body and mind. He has dedicated his career to studying and treating trauma-related disorders. He has conducted extensive research on post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and has been instrumental in advancing our understanding of how trauma affects the brain and body.

As a clinician, van der Kolk has worked with countless individuals who have experienced trauma, including survivors of abuse, war veterans, and victims of natural disasters. He is the founder and medical director of the Trauma Center in Brookline, Massachusetts, which provides comprehensive treatment for trauma-related conditions.

Bessel van der Kolk continues to advocate for a comprehensive, holistic approach to trauma treatment, emphasizing the importance of addressing both the psychological and physiological aspects of trauma to achieve healing and recovery. His work has had a profound influence on the understanding and treatment of trauma-related disorders.

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So many quotable quotes. Just the most quotable memoirist … ever. That’s author Glennon Doyle, and lots of women are secretly in love with her. See what I’m talking about in her first two books, Love Warrior: A Memoir and Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life. Then move on to Untamed, where things get even more juicy.

Key Quotes from “Love Warrior”

• “My mom’s voice quivers as she and my dad ask the usual questions: Why do you keep doing this to us? Why do you keep lying? Do you even love us? I sit on the couch and I try to receive their questions, but I’m a catcher without a mitt. My face is neutral, but the part of my heart that’s not spoiled is aching. I do love them. I love them and I love my sister and I love my friends. I think I love my people more than normal people love their people. My love is so overwhelming and terrifying and uncomfortable and complicated that I need to hide from it. Life and love simply ask too much of me. Everything hurts. I don’t know how people can just let it all hurt so much. I am just not up for all this hurting. I have to do whatever it takes not to feel the hurt.”
• “I sit and stare at my hands and I remember a story I saw on the news about a woman who had a stroke and lost all her language overnight. When she woke up, her mind functioned perfectly, but she couldn’t speak. So she just lay there and tried to use her eyes to communicate her terror about being trapped inside herself. Her family couldn’t translate what her eyes were saying. They thought she was brain-dead. It’s like that for me, too. I’m in here. I am good on the inside. I have things to say. I need help getting out. I do love you. My secret is that I’m good in here. I am not heart-dead. This is a secret that no one knows but me.”
• “We begin to understand that to coparent is to one day look up and notice that you are on a roller coaster with another human being. You are in the same car, strapped down side by side and you can never, ever get off. There will never be another moment in your lives when your hearts don’t rise and fall together, when your minds don’t race and panic together, when your stomachs don’t churn in tandem, when you stop seeing huge hills emerge in the distance and simultaneously grab the side of the car and hold on tight. No one except for the one strapped down beside you will ever understand the particular thrills and terrors of your ride.”
• “As we walk out into the sun, Craig says, ‘Is it going to be okay? He’s going to be okay, right?’ I look at him and understand that when your coaster partner gets scared you must quickly hide your own fear. You can’t panic at the same time. You must take turns. I grab Craig’s arm, hold tight, and say, ‘Yes. Absolutely. It’s all going to be okay. He is going to be amazing. This is just part of our ride.'”
• “I do know what to do, just never more than one moment at a time. I stop explaining myself, because I learn that making decisions is never about doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It’s about doing the precise thing. The precise thing is always incredibly personal and often makes no sense to anyone else.”
• “Just as an experiment, what if—just for a week—you tried on the hypothesis that Craig is a deeply flawed but good man who loves you and is working hard to keep you? If you decide he’s that man, you might find proof to back it up.”
• “Allison tells me to do something with my legs, ‘Settle into Warrior Two, stand firm, ground your legs and you won’t fall; balance is created by equal forces pressing in on an object.’ I stand there, pressing my legs together, and it hits me: Wait, what? I’ve been trying to find my balance by eliminating pressure from my life. The demands of work, friendship, and family all felt so heavy. But what if all this pressure isn’t what’s throwing me off, but what’s holding me steady? What if pressure is just love and love is what keeps me anchored? Complete shift. My body is teaching my mind.”
• “We use bodies and drugs and food to try to end our loneliness, because we don’t understand that we’re lonely down here because we are supposed to be lonely. Because we’re in pieces. To be human is to be incomplete and constantly yearning for reunion. Some reunions just require a long, kind patience.”
• “I tell them that I’m finally proud of who I am. I understand now that I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often—because I’m paying attention.’ I tell them that we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved. We must decide. If we choose to be perfect and admired, we must send our representatives out to live our lives. If we choose to be real and loved, we must send out our true, tender selves.”
• “I’d been angry and ashamed because my marriage was so far from perfect. But perfect just means: works exactly the way it is designed to work. If marriage is an institution designed to nurture the growth of two people—then, in our own broken way, our marriage is perfect.”

Key Quotes from “Carry On, Warrior”

• “Life is a quest to find an unfindable thing. This is the problem. Life is a bit of a setup. We are put here needing something that doesn’t exist here. And that, as my friend Adrianne says, is some bullshit.”
• “So last week, I snuggled in bed with Chase and told him all about the embarrassing, sad, scary little things that happened to me in elementary school. I told him that I never gave Bubba and Tisha a chance to help me, because I kept my worries in my heart. And by keeping my worries secret, they became problems. I explained to Chase that every night, he and I were going to lie in bed together and try to remember any sadness or worries that he had during the day. I told him that we were going to talk about them and then ask God to help us with them. Then he’d be able to relax and sleep soundly, knowing that God and Mommy and Daddy were on it.” 
• “Also, there’s an older girl on the bus who’s a bit of a bully, and Chase is scared of her. I told him that on Monday, his job was to find out what color her eyes were. That’s all. Just find out what color her eyes are, Chase. Chase came home yesterday and said, ‘MOM! Her eyes are BLUE! But listen, while I was looking at her eyes to find out what color they are for you, she quit her mean face and looked away! And she didn’t look at me mean the rest of the bus ride! And then on the way home, she didn’t look at me at all! She just passed right by!’ Yep. Always look them in the eye, buddy. Mean can’t handle the truth.”
• “I think this worry talk is a ritual worth keeping. Because if we empty our hearts every night, they won’t get too heavy or cluttered. Our hearts will stay light and open with lots of room for good new things to come.”
• “I wanted so badly to tell Chase that it was okay, that we would replace Jacob with a new fish, a bigger fish, a whole school of fish, but I didn’t. This was his first experience with death, and I wouldn’t suggest to him that death can be cheated through replacement. I wouldn’t teach him that pain should be avoided, dodged, or danced around. He needed to learn that death is worthy of grief because it’s final, for now. So we just sat on his bottom bunk and held each other tight.”
• “Sometimes the only way to transcend grief is to help someone littler transcend hers. I stepped gratefully through the door of hope that Chase had opened for us. I had been waiting for his permission, because the one closest to the departed has to be the first to step from despair to hope. Nobody else is allowed to jump ahead and shove open the door. That’s the rule.”
• “Every single child is gifted. And every child has challenges. It’s just that in the educational system, some gifts and challenges are harder to see. And teachers are working on this problem. Lots of schools are trying to find ways to make all children’s gifts visible and celebrated. And as parents, we can help. We can help our kids who struggle in school believe that they’re okay. It’s just that there’s only one way to help them. And it’s hard. We have to actually believe that our kids are okay. I know. Tough. But it can be done. We can start believing by erasing the idea that education is a race. It’s not. Education is like Christmas. We’re all just opening our gifts, one at a time.”
• “Because here’s what I believe: a child can survive a teacher or other children accidentally suggesting that he’s not okay, as long as when he comes home, he looks at his mama and knows by her face that he really is okay … In the end, a child will call the rest of the world liars and believe his mama.”
• “Even though I feel like a lost cause in regard to this confidence/humility issue, I do think it’s an important thing to explore. Because if we are humble without confidence, we miss the opportunity to become what we want to be when we grow up. And if we are confident without humility, we miss out on becoming who we want to be when we grow up.”
• “Robin P. Williams said, ‘You’re only given a spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.’ And maybe the world needs some crazy love. And I am embracing my spark of madness. Fanning it, even. And I’m bowing. And something’s happening because of it. It’s working. I’m starting to see God everywhere. It’s like that little bow of my head snaps me out of the horrible trance I allow myself to get lulled into each day, in which I forget that everything and everyone is magic. Including me. Namaste.”

About the Author

Glennon Doyle is an American author, speaker, and activist known for her honest and vulnerable writing on topics such as motherhood, faith, mental health, and feminism. Doyle began her career as a blogger, gaining a following through her blog, Momastery. Her writing resonated with readers as she openly shared her struggles, triumphs, and journey of self-discovery. She gained widespread attention with her memoirs Love Warrior and Carry On, Warrior. In these books, she explores her experiences with addiction, marriage, motherhood, and spirituality, offering readers inspiration and encouragement to embrace their authentic selves.

In addition to her books, Doyle is a sought-after speaker and has given TED Talks that have garnered millions of views. She is an advocate for various social causes, including women’s rights, LGBTQ+ rights, and mental health awareness.

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Aaron Beck isn’t just another self-help writer; he is one of the most influential minds in modern psychology. He created cognitive therapy, one of the most well-regarded and proven therapy techniques, and while most of his books are written for psychologists, this one is a gift to the masses. Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstanding outlines cognitive therapy and applies it to one of our most important areas of life: our partnerships. It’s perhaps one of the best books on marriage out there–and could help you in other aspects of life, too.

Key Takeaways

• Love Is Never Enough applies cognitive therapy to relationship issues, showing how cognitive distortions and other negative assumptions can derail a relationship.
• “One of the main reasons we argue with our spouses is that we misunderstand them and judge them unfairly,” Beck writes. “We do this because of our cognitive distortions–the flaws in our logic that occur frequently when we’re upset.” These distortions include: mind reading, framing, overgeneralizations, labeling, defensiveness, tunnel vision, catastrophizing (making a small issue into a big one), personalization, negative bias, all-or-nothing thinking, either-or thinking and more.
• There are three main steps to changing your story about your partner. “Step One: Recognize and correct your automatic thoughts. Listen to your thoughts about your mate and determine what your thought spiral is. Step Two: Test your predictions. Step Three: Reframe your perspective of your mate.”
• Start by noticing any automatic thoughts you might regularly have about your partner–thoughts like “He is so uncaring.” “Examine them and look for supporting evidence, contradictory evidence, alternative explanations, and more logical inferences … Ask: What is the evidence in favor of my interpretation? What evidence is there contrary to my interpretation? Does it logically follow from my spouse’s actions that my spouse has the motive that I assign to him or her? Is there an alternative explanation? What evidence is there on the other side? Have there been times, recently, when my spouse has been friendly or loving?”
• The cognitive distortion of personalization is what happens when you consider yourself the cause of your spouse’s behavior despite the fact that it has nothing to do with you. An example of this type of thinking is: “She’s in a bad mood. It must be because she’s angry at me.”
• Labeling is another cognitive distortion. This is what happens when you label someone’s entire character negatively rather than labeling their behavior or actions negatively. This often involves name calling. Some examples of this are: “She’s a weakling because he did not ask for a raise.” “He’s a nag because she wants me to quit drinking.” “He’s a slob because he doesn’t pick up his clothes.” People also may use the same type of flawed thinking in evaluating themselves as well, as in: “I never do anything properly. I always antagonize people. I’m a failure.”
• All-or-nothing thinking will also get you in trouble in your relationship. “If your spouse is less loving than usual, for example, you might conclude that he or she no longer loves you … There is either total love or total rejection, total consideration or total inconsideration—nothing in between.” Avoid this trap by reminding yourself that what’s happening is what’s happening now and it likely hasn’t and won’t happen forever.
• In particularly difficult moments, snowballing thoughts often occur. An example of this distortion is as follows: “Why is he silent? He must be angry at me. I must have done something to offend him. He will continue to be angry at me. He is always angry at me. I always offend people. Nobody will ever like me. I will always be alone.”
• Mind reading is dangerous, too. That’s when we make assumptions about our partner’s intentions instead of staying curious and open-minded.
• Overgeneralization occurs when a partner uses “always” or “never” statements. Try using the word “sometimes” instead, and see if your partner becomes less defensive.
• Tunnel vision, or screening, occurs when one negative detail is selected at the expense of the larger experience. This happens when after a party a couple attends together, one partner points out the one thing they didn’t like about their partner’s behavior in the car on the way home.
• Taken together, these and other cognitive distortions can lead to the formation of a negative cognitive set: an overall negative perspective of your partner. Clearly, this is not ideal. The goal of questioning your assumptions and distortions and changing your thinking about your partner is to build a new overall perspective of them–one that is fair but also positive. With this change, fewer misunderstandings will occur. And cognitive changes can be made by just one partner will greatly affect both people’s perspectives of each other and of the relationship, even if the second partner doesn’t do cognitive therapy exercises themselves.
• Creating a new perspective on your partner is the difference between reacting to your partner being late with the internal response, “Something may have happened to her” rather than, “If she really cared about my feelings, he would be on time.”
• The book also discusses some differences between genders in communication patterns, saying that women seem to be more likely to ask personal questions, to use encouraging utterances during a conversation and to respond more fully and enthusiastically to their partner. On the other hand, they might be less likely to question their partner or argue for a different perspective. They might value getting along over getting ahead.

About the Author

Aaron Beck is an American psychiatrist and psychotherapist who helped pioneer the field of cognitive therapy. He developed cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in the 1960s as a result of his research and clinical work. He proposed that our thoughts, beliefs, and interpretations of events significantly impact our emotions and behaviors. Beck’s cognitive therapy focuses on identifying and challenging negative or distorted thoughts and replacing them with more realistic and adaptive thinking patterns.

His approach to therapy has been widely influential and has proven effective in the treatment of various mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety disorders, and personality disorders. Beck’s work has expanded beyond therapy and has been applied to areas such as stress management, relationship issues, and personal growth.

Beck has authored numerous books on cognitive therapy, including Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders and Prisoners of Hate: The Cognitive Basis of Anger, Hostility, and Violence. He has also received several prestigious awards for his contributions to the field, including the Lasker Award for Clinical Medical Research.

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To date, I’ve discussed Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End at least three separate times at at least three separate parties. Author and doctor Atul Gawande is everyone’s favorite author-doctor right now, and for good reason: he takes on a subject that no one likes to discuss but that everyone will one day face, offering valuable and practical advice. Two thumbs and two big toes up. (Questionably tasteful imagery intended.)

Key Takeaways

• Being Mortal’s main premise: We need to address end-of-life issues openly–preferably before the end of one’s life. Doctors shy away from notifying their patients about life expectancy, even (sadly) to the point of dishonesty at times. Families, similarly, don’t always want to face these realities honestly. And it doesn’t help that there’s always some new surgery, drug or other treatment to try.
• Hospice is underrated, undervalued and underutilized. It shouldn’t be. Palliative care leads to more peaceful deaths.
• Contrary to the opinions of some, old age can be a meaningful time of life. Older people seem to have better health outcomes when they have a greater sense of control over their environment and activities. The problem is, this takes creative problem-solving, and sometimes, safety is deprioritized in favor of independence.
• The author discussed the history of retirement and assisted living facilities and how these homes can improve.
• Another helpful section of the book goes into detail about the physical changes old age inevitably brings. It makes the point that the admirable character we all seem to believe in–the mentally and physically vibrant octagenarian who seems as healthy as a 40-year-old–is a cultural myth. The body breaks down in unpreventable ways, and when we deny this reality, our treatment of the elderly suffers, and our expectations of ourselves are often unrealistic. “Eventually, one too many joints are damaged, one too many arteries calcify. There are no more backups. We wear down until we can’t wear down anymore. It happens in a bewildering array of ways …” Gawande writes.
• Sometimes, less medical intervention is more. Some treatments do more harm than good, and it’s important to ask all the right questions and be fully informed.
• The author addresses doctors in the book as well, advising them on how to best approach end-of-life concerns. His description of the difficulty of treating senior citizens, with their multiplicity of small and large concerns, is admirably done.
• In conclusion, the author writes, “… People who had substantive discussions with their doctor about their end-of-life preferences were far more likely to die at peace and in control of their situation and to spare their family anguish.”

About the Author

Atul Gawande is an American surgeon, writer, and public health researcher. He earned his Bachelor’s degree in biology and political science from Stanford University, his medical degree from Harvard Medical School, and completed his surgical residency at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. He is a practicing general and endocrine surgeon and has held positions at prominent institutions such as Harvard Medical School and the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health.

In addition to his medical career, Gawande is widely acclaimed for his compelling and thought-provoking writing. His articles and essays have appeared in publications such as The New Yorker, The New York Times, and The Lancet. He has also authored several influential books, including Complications: A Surgeon’s Notes on an Imperfect Science, Better: A Surgeon’s Notes on Performance, and Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End. In these works, he combines personal anecdotes, rigorous research, and insights from his medical career to shed light on the successes and failures of modern medicine and to advocate for improvements in patient care.

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Telling Yourself the Truth: Find Your Way Out of Depression, Anxiety, Fear, Anger, and Other Common Problems by Applying the Principles of Misbelief Therapy by William Backus and Marie Chapian was my introduction to cognitive therapy. At the time, I didn’t realize it; I thought I was reading about a uniquely Christian approach to overcoming depression. It helped me greatly at a time I believed therapy was less effective than religion, and for that, it holds a place in my heart forever. It was what was needed.

Read this book if you need a simple, inspiring introduction to cognitive therapy–one that doesn’t involve worksheets or lengthy explanations of common cognitive distortions. Also read it if you appreciate the biblical references.

Key Takeaways

• Telling Yourself the Truth is a book is about just that: learning how to balance your long-held negative stories with more realistic, logical truths. The authors call this “Misbelief Therapy” and posit that much of one’s low mood is related to the misbeliefs they have about the world and about themselves.
• Question your self-talk, they preach in this work. Sweep away your misbeliefs by consistently reminding yourself of larger truths that can bring peace. These truths might include: “God loves me and forgives me,” “Life has purpose” and many more.
• An example the authors provide is that of Jerry, who changed his self-talk from “I’m a failure and no good” to “The marriage failed, but I am deeply loved by God.”
• The authors recommend relentlessly committing onesself to the new story, no matter how the story feels to you, until you are able to fully believe the new, more objective truth.
• On self-esteem, the authors quote psychiatrist Willard Gaylin, who said, “A denigrated self-image is a tar baby. The more we play with it, embrace it, the more bound we are to it.” Don’t play with negative thoughts about yourself. Leave them on the curb and walk away.
• It can be hard to retrain our beliefs, say the authors: “Misbeliefs generally appear as truth to the person repeating them to himself. They might even seem to be true to an untrained counselor. That is partly because they often do contain some shred of truth, and partly because the sufferer has never examined or questioned these erroneous assumptions.”
• It’s important to question the assumptions that lie underneath our negative thoughts, to challenge the basic truths we’ve long held.
• On relationships, the authors write, “Often, but not always, relationships change dramatically when one person drops the misbeliefs that generate and perpetuate bitterness and anger. Always the person who works to change misbeliefs will benefit even if the other person does not change.”
• A final tip: Anger isn’t something anyone else makes you feel. “One psychologist tells his patients that the truthful statement to make when you’re angry is, ‘I make myself angry.’”

About the Authors

William Backus was a licensed psychologist and the founder of the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF). He held a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota and was an advocate for integrating biblical principles with psychological understanding. Backus believed in the power of faith in helping individuals overcome emotional and psychological struggles. He authored and co-authored several books, including Telling Yourself the Truth and What Your Counselor Never Told You, which provide practical guidance for addressing negative thoughts and emotions from a Christian perspective.

Marie Chapian, an author and speaker, has collaborated with William Backus on multiple books. She holds a Ph.D. in psychology and has written extensively on topics related to personal growth, faith, and emotional healing. Chapian’s contributions to their collaborative works often bring a compassionate and empathetic perspective to the challenges individuals face in their emotional and spiritual journeys.

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