This is an excerpt from a book I recently completed called Get We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression. Following the mental health journey of depression survivor Ruth, it offers numerous practical, evidence-based strategies for improving your physical, behavioral, vocational, relational, cognitive and emotional health. For updates and availability info, subscribe for free to the right. I post two or three articles per month, mostly on the topic of depression.

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Treatment option 27: Learning communication and conflict management skills

A good day can go bad very, very fast when a conflict arises, especially one that isn’t managed well. Seeing the improvements that the skills of listening, deescalation, finding agreement and the like bring to an uncomfortable conversation will make you a believer in corny couples counseling exercises forever.

If you haven’t read anything by John Gottman, one of the most well-known relationship researchers, skim (or pour over) one of his many books. Online summaries are also available, and his sound bytes are widely shared in every format.

Some of my favorite communication tips are as follows. First, aim for a 7-to-1 (or higher) ratio of positive-to-negative interactions–the ratio Gottman found that happy couples maintain. Second, during an argument or difficult conversation, find something you can agree on–anything at all. Most of the time, doing so significantly reduces defensiveness and tension. When in conflict, stick to one topic; otherwise, fights become unfocused and unhelpful. Also, keep the discussion either solution-focused or feelings-focused–don’t switch back and forth between the two. When in doubt, validate, then validate some more. Finally, when anger or frustration levels mount to an unhealthy level, take space and try the conversation again after a good night’s rest.

Of course, the process of learning communication and conflict management skills is a highly complex and individual one, and will likely continue throughout your life. If needed, make use of professional resources, such as couples counseling. Early intervention works best.

If desired, add “learning communication and conflict management skills” or a related strategy to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and write them on your to-do lists.

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“This is the kind of writing that makes me feel as if I’d sat down with the author on the sofa with cups of tea and we were talking together for hours. The style is so vulnerable …” –Heather. Get The Power of Acceptance: One Year of Mindfulness and Meditation at your preferred book retailer today.

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Babies come. But babies don't go. Get Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby: A Self-Help Story on Amazon now.

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