This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 13: Trying alternative healing modalities such as hypnosis, reiki, acupuncture, massage, hypnosis, energy healing, supplements like Omega 3s and vitamin D, indigenous healing practices and more
Alternative healing methods are often recommended for people with depression. However, your mileage may vary. If you decide to try reiki, hypnosis, acupuncture, massage or something similar, consider it an enhancement technique–part of a larger plan for self-care. Reported benefits include reduced pain, increased relaxation and improved focus. Some of these methods might also help people gain the inner peace and emotional strength to make needed changes in their lives, such as improved outlooks, habits and self-talk.
Though research on their effectiveness is mixed at best, and they are not government-regulated, St. John’s Wort, 5-HTP, vitamin D, omega 3 fatty acids and other supplements are often used as treatments for depression. Many people report mental health benefits, but keep in mind that brand matters: significant differences in potency and quality exist. Also, health claims made on labels and in advertising are not fact-checked by any agency or third party, and even content labels can be wrong. Always consult with a licensed medical provider for more information on safety, effectiveness and possible interactions.
If desired, add “try alternative healing modalities” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
The hippies were onto something: when properly taken, psychedelics–ketamine, magic mushrooms, LSD, MDMA and others–can provide significant (and fast) relief from depression for many people. They are especially recommended for people with severe, treatment-resistant depression.
The effectiveness of these substances comes from their ability to quickly and dramatically alter the user’s neural pathways. When taken in a carefully crafted therapeutic environment that includes professional assessment, planning, oversight, and counseling, they can help people replace unhelpful stories and perspectives with new, vastly different ones. History is rewritten.
According to current studies and Michael Pollan’s excellent, comprehensive book How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence, psychedelics are not addictive and have a low risk of physical harm. However, mental harm such as paranoia or psychosis can occur, and people with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and certain other mental disorders should not take them. Consult with your mental health provider on legal and safe use.
Ketamine is a legal psychedelic commonly used for starting and maintaining anesthesia during medical procedures. Recently, anesthesiologists across the U.S. have set up clinics to administer ketamine off-label for mood disorders. Other medical providers specially trained in psychedelic-assisted therapy are offering ketamine treatment in smaller, private settings. These treatments can be expensive, and are rarely or never covered by insurance at the time of this writing. However, like other psychedelics, ketamine’s effect on depression is reportedly swift and significant. In clinics, it is administered intravenously.
Esketamine is a legal psychedelic that is almost identical to ketamine on a molecular level. It is approved for use in the U.S. as an antidepressant when prescribed by a properly credentialed psychiatrist, and it is not as expensive as ketamine. It is administered in the form of nasal spray.
Psilocybin is the active ingredient found in magic mushrooms and magic truffles. Research on psilocybin for depression is in its early stages, but is quite promising.
Though MDMA is shown to have similar efficacy as that of other psychedelics, it is often sold as ecstasy or molly, and these drugs are unsafe. They sometimes contain methamphetamine, a highly addictive substance. In addition, some research has shown that repeated use of MDMA can lower one’s baseline mood, though this finding is controversial. Finally, it is known for creating a next-day hangover effect in some people, in which users experience depression, irritability and lack of motivation for a day or more following their use. Still, psychedelic advocates are currently seeking the legalization of MDMA and other psychedelics in addition to ketamine.
Before trying a psychedelic, read about its possible long-term effects, which for some might include psychosis and suicidal thoughts. Do not purchase these substances illegally, and carefully follow your prescriber’s recommendations regarding dosage, substance interactions and more.
If desired, add “consider psychedelic therapy” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 11: Undergoing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or another form of trauma therapy
EMDR is a surprising therapy. The most surprising part: it works. Studies show that this unique technique, which involves making side-to-side eye movements while a therapist helps you process your trauma stories, reduces some trauma symptoms with relative rapidity. If you suffer from PTSD, or you think that your personal history might be contributing to your depression, you might want to consider this treatment option.
To locate an EMDR-trained therapist, a good place to start is PsychologyToday.com. This website is the most-used referral site for counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals and the search function seems to work fairly well.
Once you have identified providers, ask them about their EMDR training, experience and credentials; the practitioner’s skill level is a significant factor in its effectiveness. Your counselor should have experience with other forms of trauma therapy as well, as EMDR is contraindicated for some people.
When undergoing any form of trauma therapy, carefully consider your level of tolerance. Plan for possible lingering emotional effects and choose the environment and timing that is right for you. Practice your preferred emotional coping skills before and after therapy and provide feedback to your counselor about what you feel able to handle on any given day.
If desired, add “try EMDR” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a medication provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 10: Undergoing Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulation (CES) or Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)
Cranial electrotherapy stimulation (CES) is a therapeutic treatment in which a handheld electric pulse generator is connected to the scalp. Painless, low-level currents stimulate electrical movements in the brain, which possibly help alter existing neural pathways. Patients are prescribed the device, then use it at home for a few minutes a day. Side effects are few, but the efficacy of these devices for depression is not yet proven.
Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is the in-office version of CES. Due to the effectiveness of this treatment, in recent years, TMS clinics have been established in many areas. TMS is more intense than CES, and memory loss has been reported.
Related but less often prescribed treatments are electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and deep brain stimulation, both of which might have greater side effects than TMS or CES.
People with severe, treatment-resistant depression might want to consider one of these therapies. Just do your research first, both on the treatment of choice and on providers in your area.
For a thoughtful, thorough account of these treatments, read the relevant sections in The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon. Just keep in mind that his account was published in 2015, and might be somewhat outdated due to changes in technology.
If desired, add “consider undergoing CES or TMS” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 9: Taking antidepressants
Though the exact mechanisms by which antidepressants work is as yet unknown, and studies are complicated by the placebo effect, evidence of their effectiveness is mounting. Most psychiatric professionals recommend them and see good results, and their patients do, too. It is a basic tenet of the therapeutic process to trust your client, and enough of my clients report significant benefits of antidepressants to convince me of their effectiveness.
The people who feel stuck and unable to make the kinds of changes that lead to an improved mood, as well as the people who have made many positive changes but still see no improvement, are the people that could benefit most from medication. In many cases, the advantages far outweigh the risks and side effects.
There are many reasons clients choose not to take medication for their anxiety and depression, though, and the choice is a highly personal one. In general, I recommend that people base their decision on side effects, effectiveness and other medical considerations, and not on social, moral or idealist considerations. Taking medication for a mental health condition is not inherently wrong or right, healthy or unhealthy. Listen to your body.
If you’ve been prescribed an antidepressant by a primary care physician (PCP) and it doesn’t seem to be working well, find a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner (PNP) instead. While psychiatrists are medical doctors, PNPs are nurses, and many of my clients tell me that PNPs spend more time with them and ask more questions.
Go to your first appointment prepared with information on your options as well any questions you might have. Tell your story honestly and don’t be afraid to inquire about all possible treatments in case your first line of treatment doesn’t work out. You are allowed to be your own advocate. You are also allowed to say no.
When taking antidepressants, it is important to follow your medical professional’s advice concerning use, including guidelines around length of use, dosage and (if needed) discontinuation. Antidepressants are believed to work less well in successive rounds, so cycling medications is highly discouraged. Also, at least half of the people who try medication need to try more than one before finding one that works for them, so don’t give up after your first attempt, and follow your prescriber’s advice around increasing dosage until an effective level is found.
For general information and discussion on the topic of medication, read the relevant sections in Andrew Solomon’s excellent and thorough book, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. For more specific information, consult your doctor or mental health professional.
If desired, add “consider taking antidepressants” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a medication provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 8: Using nature and light therapy
Many people with and without depression report that their moods are affected by the presence or absence of natural light. And when you get that natural light outside, you might also receive the benefits of fresh air, open skies and exercise–no small extras.
Spending time out-of-doors, especially in natural environments, mentally separates us from our usual tasks and routines, helping to clear our heads. Even a short walk or quiet moment free of our four walls can interrupt an anxious or despondent moment by bringing our mental focus away from the emotional centers of our brain (the limbic system) and into the sensory centers instead.
In the book Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression–and the Unexpected Solutions, Johann Hari describes the various ways modern life creates disconnections that can lead to mood disorders. One of the most significant of these, he says, is our disconnection from nature. At least in part, spending more time outdoors might reduce depression by offering perspective: wide open spaces make us feel smaller, which helps our problems feel smaller, too. It’s a mental shift that happens almost without our noticing.
Light therapy can also be accomplished indoors with man-made lights designed for this purpose, including tanning beds at licensed professional tanning salons; however, your results may vary.
If desired, add “spending time in nature” and/or “using light therapy” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 7: Eating well
No judgment here, and no specific advice: when it comes to your diet, do what works for you. Consider whether or not your eating habits affect your mood, and if so, what changes might help. Undereating can cause depression, and overeating can, too. Avoid perfectionism and choose goals that are realistic and doable.
Of course, when it comes to food, it’s not just about physical health, but about mental health, too. Do your food-related thoughts, choices and plans help you feel more emotionally stable and healthy, or less? Answering this question can provide helpful information when assessing whether or not you’ve established habits that work for you.
If you suspect that you could benefit from a rigorously scientific perspective on nutrition, try How to Eat: All Your Food and Diet Questions Answered by Mark Bittman and David Katz. Everything by Michael Pollan is also great.
Finally, if you suspect that you might have an eating disorder, take a moment to fill out a confidential screening or start the search for help at nationaleatingdisorders.org. Food is a big part of life, and it’s hard not to be depressed or anxious if this area of functioning isn’t going well.
If desired, add “eating well” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific food-related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 6: Improving your sleep
A complete sleep might be longer than what you’re used to, but you know when you’ve had it: you feel fully able to get out of bed and start the day’s tasks. Increased energy can increase motivation, which often increases productivity. Productivity, in turn, produces confidence and optimism. In addition, emotional energy–patience, distress tolerance, etc.–can be enhanced through proper rest. In people who are chronically tired, increased sleep might be the most effective mood booster available. It might also increase the effectiveness of other depression treatments.
Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) is the behavioral modification therapy of choice for sleep problems. If you think you might need professional help for this issue, find a mental health counselor trained in this modality. Different people benefit from different CBT-I interventions. Briefly, CBT-I practices include:
Adjusting your sleep schedule as closely as possible to your natural circadian rhythms;
Going to bed at around the same time every night, and getting up at (as nearly as possible) the same time every morning–even on the weekends;
Using various techniques to reduce sleep anxiety;
Staying busy during the day and refraining from napping;
If needed, reducing your time in bed and/or getting out of bed during wakeful night hours to reset; and
Tracking your sleep patterns in a sleep journal.
Substance and caffeine use can significantly impact sleep, reducing the length of your phase three deep sleep and increasing the length of your less restorative REM sleep.
Finally, if you are consistently sleeping poorly even while maintaining good habits, consider setting up a consultation with a sleep specialist. You might be suffering with a sleep disorder like sleep apnea without knowing it.
If desired, add “improving my sleep” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific sleep-related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 5: Exercising regularly
When I talk with clients about exercise, I always feel a bit redundant. Most of us know that it’s one of the best non-pharmaceutical mood enhancers available. We also know that the long-term benefits–better physical health, better sleep–will likely increase our quality of life overall.
While some people report feeling a “runner’s high” after a good workout, others don’t seem to receive this benefit. If you are in the latter category, you still might notice a milder, yet significant, sense of well-being. In addition, for many people, exercise is associated with a sense of self-efficacy–even empowerment.
As discussed previously, don’t wait to feel motivated to take a long walk outside, or to follow along with a yoga YouTube video in your apartment. That feeling might never come. Unfortunately, the human mind isn’t as logical as we tend to believe: it knows the relevant facts, but it doesn’t vote for them. Instead, it votes for what’s comfortable.
Veto the vote for comfortable. If you’re not quite ready to start your new routine, consider a soft entry. Choose your days and times to exercise and put your exercise shoes or clothes on at those times every week, even if you don’t leave the house. Gradually, add small amounts of exercise (a walk around the block?) to this routine. Habit is what matters most.
From a mental health perspective, being consistent is the most important part of exercise–much more important than time spent, frequency, difficulty and other factors. Anytime you follow through with your exercise goals you have made progress–even on the days or weeks you don’t increase difficulty or see changes in your body. Your body has built or at least maintained its fitness levels that day, and more significantly, your mind has strengthened its relevant neuropathways.
After around twenty-five years of consistent exercise, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine discontinuing the habit. Over time, movement becomes more than a healthy self-care practice–it is part of your identity. You can take breaks, but it soon pulls you back; when you don’t do it, something feels missing.
That’s a good feeling.
If desired, add “exercising regularly” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific exercise goals and add them to your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 4: Setting long- and short-term goals
Researchers in the field of positive psychology have made their careers discussing what constitutes the good life. Many of their findings are included in this book, and high on the list: pursuing meaningful goals. Though mindfulness research has shown that living in the present moment is a helpful habit to cultivate, we also benefit emotionally from some amount of future planning. Achieving goals–both daily tasks as well as major milestones–gives us the satisfaction of accomplishment, which can increase a sense of self-worth and self-efficacy.
When considering what you would like to work towards both in the short- and long-term, it might be helpful to follow the SMART framework. Try to identify goals that are specific (clear and well-defined); measurable (how will you know when you’ve reached it?); achievable (can you really do this?); relevant (does it get you closer to a larger goal?); and time-bound (yes, there’s a deadline).
Of course, people with depression often struggle with motivation. There’s a catch-22 at work here: you know you’ll feel better after you get started on the day’s tasks, but you don’t always have the emotional bandwidth to do so. For many people, though, motivation isn’t motivation. Instead, motivation is a reward pathway that follows the initial action. That’s right: motivation is a misnomer. It’s the feeling of satisfaction that comes as a response to completing a task, not the excitement that spurs us to get started. Some people do experience a feeling of motivation before doing their first task of the day, but that might be because their brains have learned over time that task completion satisfaction follows action.
Habit is key here. The more often you complete tasks on your to-do lists, the more your mind will anticipate the pleasure of doing so. Jeff Haden writes about this concept in The Motivation Myth: How High Achievers Really Set Themselves Up to Win, as does Daniel Pink in his popular book Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us.
When thinking through ways to get more done, consider the following strategies:
Keep to-do lists and use them daily.
Start the day with a relatively easy task–an initial win to get your motivational ignition lighted. Then move on to the more challenging stuff.
When feeling unable to start a difficult task, tell yourself you’ll spend just a minute on it (even thirty seconds if that works better for you). Often, you’ll find that getting started is the hardest part and after the minute passes, you’ll want to keep going.
Ask a friend to be physically present with you while you catch up on time-consuming needs like laundry, organizing and the like.
Create time blocks of a predetermined length during which you focus on work alone: no texting, emailing, scrolling, etc.
Get more sleep. (More on this later.)
In What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, author David Di Salvo has some additional advice. Get fast feedback, he says–even if you have to ask a friend to congratulate you on a task well done. When accomplishment and encouragement happen close together in time, your brain is more likely to associate the two. Also, keep in mind that some people are motivated more by achievement and some are motivated more by enjoyment. In one study, achievement-motivated people presented with a word puzzle that was described by researchers as “fun” didn’t do as well as when it was described as “a challenge;” for enjoyment-motivated individuals, the opposite was true. If you’re the fun-motivated type, find the fun in your to-dos. If you’re the achievement-motivated type, find the challenge. This framing might also be relevant if you decide to reward yourself for following through on an important goal. Would an enjoyable activity or indulgence work best? Or would it be more effective to track your progress in a phone app?
Though more focused on organizational change, the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath might be worth a read as well. Research- and evidence-based, it discusses ways to increase your emotional desire to change, how to build new habits by “shrinking the change” and “tweaking the environment,” and more.
Finally, if you suspect you might have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), consider seeing a specialist.
In your treatment plan notebook, on your phone or in another handy location, create a long-term to-do list, a short-term to-do list, and an ongoing to-do list. Add tasks that relate to your treatment plan as well as other work and life tasks that need to be done. Check the lists daily and get in the habit of accomplishing at least a few items every day. Update the lists frequently.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 3: Keeping a daily mood log
Rating and recording your mood two or three times daily and tracking it over time is a treatment option that is often overlooked. This might be because–let’s face it–the follow-through can be a bit of a pain. If there weren’t so many good reasons to use this strategy, I wouldn’t waste your time. But there really are so many good reasons.
The first reason I like mood logs is that they provide additional data when assessing the value of a particular treatment or set of treatments. Sometimes, it’s hard to know what’s working and what isn’t; tracking your results supports this goal significantly.
The second reason to use a mood log is that doing so allows for much-needed moments of introspection throughout the day. How am I doing? What do I need right now? Is there an emotion here that I need to address? Becoming more aware of your mood states and cycles can help you plan activities accordingly.
Finally, and possibly most important, the mood log provides evidence that, contrary to what you might feel during especially difficult times, depression is not a constant state. Instead, there are times of contentment and even joy mixed in with times of loneliness, sadness or worry. For some people, this knowledge alone is revelatory, as depression’s refrain is that sadness is permanent (unending), pervasive (carrying through every part of life), and personal (part of who you are).
The first rule of the mood log is: be as consistent as you can be. The second rule is: be as honest as you can be. It’s important that you trust the accuracy of your entries; otherwise, you won’t be motivated to apply the data to your treatment plan choices and to believe that you really are making progress.
If desired, in your treatment plan notebook, start a mood log. Check in on your emotional state either twice a day at about 10am and 6pm or three times a day–morning, afternoon and evening. Assign a number from one to ten that best represents your mood, with ten being blissfully elated; five being even-keeled, without either depression or elation; and one being deeply depressed. Be as accurate as possible without overthinking it.
In the weeks to come, periodically review your mood log. Notice any patterns that emerge. Certain activities and times of day might trigger certain emotional states on a fairly reliable basis. Note this information, and use it to inform your daily schedule and your depression treatment plan.
At least once a month, calculate your average mood score. Reflect on whether or not your mood seems to be stabilizing over time and possible reasons for this. Again, use this information to inform your depression treatment plan and make changes as needed.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 2: Creating your individualized treatment plan
Many books on depression management are incredibly helpful. But often, they’re limited in scope. They focus on one intervention, such as meditation, exercise or cognitive therapy, and attempt to convince us that it’s all we need. However, most people who experience chronic depression know that it’s more complicated than that. While depression responds well to many individual treatments, over time, a more well-rounded, comprehensive approach is usually needed.
For this reason, I invite readers who suffer from some form of depression to create an individualized treatment plan that meets their personal needs and preferences. It might be helpful to seek the support of a psychiatrist, licensed mental health counselor or another mental health professional in this endeavor. My hope is that by taking a whole-person approach, rather than identifying one treatment at a time, depression sufferers will experience sustainable, long-term symptom reduction.
Four dozen treatment options is a lot to take in. Keep in mind that perfection is never the goal. As you work through these pages, try to remain a bit lighthearted about the whole thing. It can be fun to make optimistic plans. Later, you can revise your expectations and your goals, adjusting them to the reality of daily life.
One more important point here: though all of the treatments included in this book work some of the time for some of the people with depression, six options are backed by more research than are the others. I call them the Big Six, and they are: maintaining healthy relationships and a sense of community; sleeping well; taking antidepressants as directed and at an adequate dose; exercising regularly; going to therapy; and doing written cognitive therapy exercises. Spending time in nature is also surprisingly effective (see Lost Connections by Johann Hari for more on this). Psychotherapy’s high rates of effectiveness are enhanced when the client connects emotionally with the counselor and when therapy is used as a meta-strategy that includes and encourages other changes. I should also note two other less accessible heavy hitters for treatment-resistant depression: taking psychedelics in a therapeutic setting and undergoing transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). More on all of these to come.
Strongly consider each of these when creating your treatment plan.
Grab a journal or a notebook (or even just some loose leaf paper) and start your individualized treatment plan. This can look however you want it to look, but my suggestion is to keep it simple: write “Depression Treatment Plan” at the top of the first page, and write “Emotional Coping Skills” at the top of the second page. That’s all for now; as you work your way through this book, you will write down the treatment options you would like to try on these lists. More specific tasks related to your treatment plan can go on your to-do lists or elsewhere in the notebook.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
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Treatment option 1: Making your decision to get better
Ancient hunters, it is said, didn’t always run to catch their prey. Often, they walked over long distances using a technique called “persistence hunting.” Humans weren’t the fastest or the strongest animal in the wild, but our stamina made up for that shortcoming. In the immortal words of the long-running show Survivor, we were able to “outwit, outplay, outlast.”
The people who successfully manage or overcome their depression are those that have the qualities of a survivor: persistence, determination and grit. They use these qualities to pursue relevant knowledge and take action in spite of any internal resistance that might be present.
They do what it takes to survive.
For many of us, maintaining our mental health is a lifelong project that encompasses almost every area of our lives. Before exploring available treatment options, then, take some time to consider whether or not you are fully ready for this commitment.
Ask yourself this question: Am I willing to do whatever it takes to manage my depression in a healthy way? This could include introspection and honesty, putting aside old habits, forming new habits, consistently working toward goals, questioning long-held unhelpful beliefs and much more.
Take as long as needed with this task: minutes, hours, days, weeks or even longer. Only you know what you are able to commit to and when.
2 comments
I really like the article! Practicing new positive habits creates an attitude of moving forward! I believe that each individual is capable of discovering what makes him or her strong against depression. In my case, going to the gym and training hard creates euphoria and of security in me.
This is chapter one of my book, The Power of Acceptance: One Year of Mindfulness and Meditation. Get your copy at Amazon, Walmart or your other online retailer of choice. And leave a review if possible. Thank you!
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I wish I could remember the exact phrase that got it into me, that finally made it go click! But maybe there wasn’t one; maybe it was the book as a whole that implanted it, in some otherworldly, sibylline way. Whatever the case, soon afterward came the more important moment, the one I remember to this day.
It was the summer of 2013. I was sitting in our family room reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now as the baby played next to me on a big green comforter on the floor. As he mouthed one unsuspecting rattle after another and pressed buttons that rewarded him with nonsense, I finished the book for the third time. And though I still don’t know the exact point at which it happened, by the time I set the book down, something inside me had changed. I put a hand on Xavier’s fresh little face and he turned to me, looking disoriented. I smiled and he held my gaze and smiled back, then held out his stubby arms. I pulled him into my lap and his head bobbed toward my breast and as I nursed him I considered what I’d just read.
Though I had been raised immersed (some may say half-drowned) in religion, the several years leading up to Xavier’s conception had been focused elsewhere—mostly on my new partner, David, and my growing freelance writing business. Spirituality was still there—part of me, part of my definition of myself—but it wasn’t very close to the surface.
Then, a year before the baby was born, I discovered Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, and with it a strange brand of spirituality called New Thought. By the time I picked up The Power of Now for the third time, a year and a half had passed, and Xavier was about six months old. I had explored and applied my new beliefs in depth, and now it was time to take the next step. Long days of motherhood begged for community and friendship, as well as increased inner strength. And so, to my still-unfamiliar routine of play dates, car naps and Gymboree, I added going to church.
Another book of mine discusses my attempt to fulfill a two-pronged goal to increase both earthly and divine connection. Meditation was a logical part of the plan, but there was a problem: until that day on the floor with Tolle and baby, I had never truly tried it. Once, while I was still a Christian, I attended one Buddhist meditation session in a home that had been revamped into a temple, but this hardly counted; it was cultural voyeurism, not a sincere effort. It was a minor act of rebellion, of open-mindedness, a pushing of the envelope, the kind of thing a good girl like myself found exciting.
Except one thing: It wasn’t exciting—not at all. Not the least little bit. In that room decorated all in red—red velvet pillows, red calligraphy wall hangings, red-patterned plush carpet—I could hardly breathe for the effort it took to sit still. And when I tried to focus on my breath, as the unsmiling leader suggested, I nearly hyper-ventilated.
And that was just the first five minutes.
Soon, I gave up, and instead watched the clock and the handful of people sitting with me. How do they do it? I wondered as my back started aching and my legs fell asleep. More to the point, why do they?
I shifted out of the kneeling position and moved against the back wall. I considered leaving, but didn’t.
Slowly, slowly, time dripped from the clock, and the final instruction—to open our eyes—came as a relief. I got out of there as fast as possible, shoes in hand, and fidgeted my way to the car.
Which is why it was strange that after finishing The Power of Now that day twelve years later, I decided to try it again.
Like I said: something had clicked.
Sitting on the green blanket, Xavier still in my arms, I flipped back through the pages of the book I hadn’t wanted to read again, then hadn’t wanted to finish. I looked for a passage I’d underlined about Tolle’s unique meditation technique, namely, sensing the energy of the body, then reread it several times.
You know what? I thought, This doesn’t sound so bad.I don’t even have to stop thinking. What if it really can help me connect with the Divine inside myself?
What if it actually works?
I closed my eyes. I tried to sense my body, as Tolle instructed—to feel the subtle energy moving in and through me. It didn’t take long before I realized that it was working: I could feel it. It was there. This was real.
I felt the tingling of my hands. I felt the pulsing of my arms and legs. Though I knew it was probably just a body being a body, noticing it in this way was calming. Suddenly, it hit me: I was meditating. And it wasn’t even that hard.
That evening I took a long walk with the baby and tried the technique again. This time, I didn’t think of it as meditation—I wasn’t sitting, after all—but the feeling I had was the same. I was relaxed, but it was more than that: I was present. I was in a now-place in my mind, rather than in the future or the past. There was a subtle joy and a feeling of love that accompanied this presence, too, which I considered to be some sort of connection with the Divine. And so, the following day I decided to take the next step: I looked up meditation classes in my area.
Not long after that, I was hooked.
Before I knew it, Xavier was one year old and I had spent the past six sleep-deprived months honing this newly-discovered skill. The following year, as I wrote You’re Getting Closer, I expanded my spiritual practices considerably, with success following disappointment following success.
A year passed. Xavier was now two years old, and as I reflected on that milestone in his life I thought about my own progress, too.
And one of the things I thought about most was my failure.
***
Last November, sometime in the middle of the month, I had the best two weeks of my year. After a couple of particularly enjoyable incidents—one being a trip to see my family—a warm, delicious feeling got into me and stuck, and every day—nearly every moment, even—I felt the presence of God.
I felt it when I read. I felt it when I played with my child. It was there all the time, a bit below the surface of my thoughts. Even when difficulties arose, the state of mind remained; I was able to stay an arm’s length from my problems. At one point during this time, for example, a friend got upset at me for not cleaning up the mess my kids had made at her house. Though our hour-long conversation about it was tense and uncomfortable, delving into past slights and wrongs, I got though it without anger. A few days later, on my most enjoyable birthday in recent memory, I told my husband I felt deeply at peace.
Then one day, a week or so later, that special feeling went away. I still don’t know why it happened. Maybe I’d become complacent, or maybe I wasn’t mediating as much, or maybe it was a new bout of depression coming on. Whatever the cause, it was a great disappointment—one that represented a much larger problem.
This wasn’t the only time a spiritual high was followed by a major low that year—or the year before, for that matter. And so one day toward the end of that year, I attempted to figure all this out.
What am I doing wrong? I asked God over and over. More importantly, what was I doing right before that I am not doing now?
And I didn’t just pray. Every day for a month straight, I tried every trick I knew to get the feeling back. Of course, meditation was the first on my list, as it had been for the past year and a half. I upped my weekly goals from one class to three, enlisting my husband’s support. He took the baby swimming while I went to church or temple, seeking that spiritual high. The hour-long sessions were helpful, but they didn’t get me out of my rut. Neither did my mantras or my visualizations—or my walks, which often incorporated both.
I still felt pretty crappy.
And so, for a while, I stopped trying. I gave up. I was tired of all the effort, the fruitless striving. I needed a break, but what I didn’t realize was that more than four months would pass before I even attempted another sitting meditation.
The time off wasn’t a total loss. During it, I thought about what I needed that I didn’t have—the missing link, so to speak. Intuitively I knew that there was some method I could use anytime, no matter how I felt, that would immediately get me in touch with the Divine. After all, all of the New Thought mentors out there say that spiritual connectedness is our natural state. So why, after several years of striving and seeking, was I still feeling it so infrequently?
Truly, I was missing something.
With this goal in mind, I resumed my current spiritual practices as well as my search for more effective ones. I read more books, discovered more techniques—prayers and ideas I hadn’t yet tried. I counteracted negative thoughts with positive ones, as the collective entity known as Abraham recommends. I re-read You’re Getting Closer and became inspired to again surrender each moment to divine guidance. But while these practices and many like them brought some encouragement, some peace, I never got back to where I was.
I am still not back. Currently, I’m swimming upstream, as Abraham says, very much against the current of the spirit. My thoughts are often negative. My mood is often recalcitrant. Most of the time, I want to be somewhere else. I’m easily annoyed, and easily insulted, and often downright neurotic.
In other words: I’m not feeling very spiritual.
It is the beginning of January, however, and if there’s anything I love, it’s a fresh start. Sure, it’s only a date on the calendar—but it may be just the thing I need.
It’s time for a New Year’s resolution.
***
Although it was long before the beginning of the year that I decided to make a spiritually minded resolution, until a few days ago I knew only the criteria. The goal, I realized, would have to be doable, something I could stick to all year. It would have to allow for imperfection, and maybe lots of it, and be simple and clearly stated. When one pen, two pieces of paper, my favorite chair and thirty free minutes collided in my world, I sat down to consider my options.
Should I do a sitting meditation every day, and if so, how long should it last? Would five minutes be enough to make it worth the effort, or should I do at least fifteen?
Should I resume my goal to hold myself in continuous meditation all day long? And if so, how would I do it? Would I say mantras, visualize my God-self, listen for action-by-action guidance? Or should I try something else entirely?
Finally, I made the decision. My twofold resolution this year isn’t as bold as my last—and not nearly as frightening, either. I will do sitting meditation for at least five minutes every day, and I’ll remain in the state of meditation as much a possible after that.
Five minutes is doable every day, I realized as the idea came—even for a busy mom like me. It’s simple and easy to track, and if I’m able to stick with it, the benefits could be enormous. But what really convinced me to choose this goal was that, compared with other options, it’s relatively low-pressure.
***
Recently, I was reflecting on some of the spiritual books I love that draw so many other people in, too, and with such devotion. Why do I like Eckhart Tolle so much? I asked myself. And Neale Donald Walsch, and Esther Hicks?
Is it because they’re so quotable, so poetic? Somehow, I don’t think that’s it. Is it because they claim to hear directly from a divine Source? Maybe, but Tolle doesn’t channel his books.
The number one reason we love them so much, I believe, is this: they are extreme. They don’t merely describe a nice spiritual practice, or summarize a few lofty ideas. They aren’t conservative. They don’t hold back. Instead, they insist we can all be great. We can all get enlightened. And maybe even healthy and wealthy, too. Barring these goals, we can at least experience something we’ve been seeking a long time: our next major spiritual high.
And we believe them. We read them, then read them again, then try to practice what they preach. Our efforts pay off: we get a glimpse of the bliss they promise. Then we read the next book and wait for more.
Many of us—most of us—are still waiting.
Of course, our frequent failed attempts at inner peace are not the fault of these wonderful authors. Bliss, enlightenment, our next spiritual high—these are, as they say, truly possible for us all. The problem is this: obsessing about where we’re headed doesn’t help the car drive faster; if anything, it tends to slow it down.
Which is why five minutes of meditation feels right to me this year. It isn’t an overly optimistic goal. It isn’t going to cause me to expect fast miracles, or spiritual ascendance overnight.
If anything, it’ll remind me to stay humble.
And although the second part of my resolution is much like that in You’re Getting Closer, namely, remaining in continuous communication with the Divine, there’s one important difference here. That difference comes in the middle part of the sentence: “as much as possible.”
As much as possible. As much as I can.
In a way, the qualifier is an escape clause—a way out of my resolution, should I need one. But I know me, and perfection can’t be my goal. If it is, I’ll just give up. And that seems pretty counter-productive, doesn’t it?
When I’m an old woman, with cropped curly hair, and eight pink sweaters and one pair of brown shoes, I’m going to be good at being spiritual. I’ll have one of those blissed-out smiles for everyone, and upbeat catch phrases like “You do you, Martha!” I’ll be wise, and silly, and sane, too, damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it: I will. Until then, though, I’ll just be consistent. I’ll just do the work that will eventually get me to that point. Every day, for five minutes, I’ll seek a peaceful mental place. And when I find it, I’ll try to stay a while.
As it turns out, I’m not Eckhart Tolle—or Esther Hicks, for that matter. I’m just a regular person, muddling my way through, hoping for a few answers to the usual questions, such as those I’m asking this year:
Will I be able to keep my resolution this year to meditate for five minutes a day?
Will I find it hard to do so, or will it be fairly easy?
Will I get rid of any part of my neurotic tendencies? Or will they mostly remain?
Maybe most important, will I find the missing link I’m looking for—a continuous meditation method that works every time?
I have no idea whether or not the perfect spiritual practice is out there, or whether there’s some other, more important lesson in store. But isn’t the process of discovery a major part of the fun?
Seeking is what makes the finding interesting.
***
Get your copy of The Power of Acceptance at Amazon or your other online retailer of choice, or be one of the first to purchase it from Walmart. And, if possible, don’t forget to leave a review.
This is chapter one of my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home. Get your copyat Amazon or at your online retailer of choice today.
***
The other day, I read the craziest thing. Not crazy in the hyperbolic sense, either—actually a bit crazy. And you know what? Part of me believes it anyway.
It was in the book Zero Limits by spirituality writer Joe Vitale, and the words came from the guru who is the subject of said book. His name is Hew Len, and according to him, he has regular two-way interactions—yes, entire conversations—with all sorts of inanimate objects. My favorite line of his, said of a shabby hotel conference room: “This room says its name is Sheila.”
I know, I know: that’s what I thought, too. Still, this isn’t an entirely novel belief. Only a few weeks before reading Zero Limits I read the book Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of the Soul by Jane Roberts, which discusses something similar. Seth is the spirit entity channeled by the author back in the 1960s, and the supposed true author of this and several of Roberts’ other books. I figure that anyone who lives in another plane of existence deserves a fair hearing, and because of this I’m tempted to believe him when he says things like, “There is consciousness even in a nail …”
Okay, so you might not be as susceptible to mysticism as I am. And trust me when I say I’m not trying to convert you or anything. I share these quotes simply because doing so makes me feel a bit less kooky when I make the first major philosophical statement of this book, namely: your house is like a person; it has a soul.
Your house is a kindly grandmother or an accomplished musician. It’s a garbage collector or a playful child or an artist. It has an identity and it has a personality, and when you spend time with it, that personality is communicated. It is felt.
Your house is like a person. It has a soul. And that soul can, like a good book, be a friend.
***
Beauty is actually pretty important
Every time you walk through the front door of your home—or anyone’s home, for that matter—your mood changes immediately. As soon as you take in the entrance and the first room, your levels of enjoyment, comfort and peace shift in subtle ways. Because that’s what happens to us all when we enter a new space: we take on a little bit of its message. This is why people spend even more money on venue and decorations for a party than they spend on music and food. Being around people you love is great, and you can probably enjoy them anywhere. But being somewhere nice with those same people is much, much nicer. It’s worth the extra money, the extra effort.
People often ask why other people like to go camping. The answer is obvious: the beauty. It’s not the hiking, or the swimming, or the campfire with the s’mores (though I love all these things)—you can get those at a cabin. It’s the feeling of waking up in the morning smelling truly fresh air and stumbling to the bathroom surrounded by trees. It’s making coffee and pancakes outside, in one of the many places on the earth that are absolutely perfectly designed, exactly as they are.
No French doors. No balcony. No granite counter tops and tile back splashes. No fountain-like bathroom taps; you’ll use a water pump that splashes your feet. No gables. No Great Grain Number Three from Sherwin Williams. No microfiber. No just-finished maple hardwood floors. Just nature.
And it’s stunning. Every part of it. Everywhere you look. The birds in the trees, the spider on the log. The dirt is everywhere, and the dirt is wonderful. You wouldn’t think of covering it up or getting rid of it, except inside the tent.
This is why you walked three miles with the heaviest backpack you’ve ever carried or packed your car to the brim, drove a long distance and spent two hours arranging your campsite. This is why you used an outhouse this morning and why you ate dehydrated food for dinner last night. This. Just this. Just the beauty.
Was it worth it? It is for me.
Beauty is important. Beauty makes you feel good. It brings peace. It makes you happier. Of course, our homes will never be beautiful in the way that nature is beautiful. But think about how you feel when you walk into your house every day. Is it a good feeling? If it is, is it as good as it could be? If not, why? What do you want to change?
***
Let’s talk about your goal
Soon, I’ll list the five principles of the Naked House. But first, let’s talk for a second about what we’re really doing when we’re doing all this organizing. What is your goal? What are you moving toward? What do you want your home to make you feel?
When I asked myself that question, the answer was obvious. I didn’t want a fancier house, or a bigger house, or even a sunnier, more cheerful one. I just wanted my house to feel peaceful. Home is where we relax. It’s where we go to calm down. I like feeling cheerful, and I understand that some people love yellow kitchens and light blue bathrooms. This isn’t what I wanted, though. I wanted brown. I wanted a muted color palette with very few adornments and an emphasis on the view from our large windows. I wanted my house to look like part of the earth.
Is that what you want, too? Do you want more serenity, simplicity and restfulness in your life? If so, the tips in this book might help. Because here, we’re not just talking about home decor, or cleaning, or organization. What we’re talking about is changing our environment in a way that allows for a fresh new perspective on life.
We’re talking about how to be happier.
Of course, a serene look might not be your goal. You might want a more high-energy look. That’s fine. But consider adding to your vision the element of peace. I contend that even a brighter home with more detail than mine has can benefit from some degree of minimalism.
Whatever look you desire, take a moment before starting your cleaning process to clearly visualize it. Then, if you get discouraged as you work through your rooms, you’ll have a goal image to recall.
***
Life is hard. Reorganizing isn’t.
The good news is that you can, of course, make these changes. Even without spending any money, there’s a lot you can do. Behavior change is hard. Character change is really hard. Emotional change is even harder than that. But reorganizing your house? Not hard. Just takes time. Put on a good podcast and it can even be fun. If your brain is telling you otherwise, remind it that it’s just one step. You’re not doing it all in a day. You’re cleaning one shelf, one corner, one area first, and you have a designated box (or two or three) for all the stuff that gets displaced. That box isn’t your job right now. That box is for another day. Today, it’s just this shelf, this corner. And when you’re done, your life will be that much simpler for a good amount of time to come.
There are things in life that are genuinely hard, genuinely suck. Organizing isn’t one of them. It’s easy.
***
A brief word on other kinds of clutter
Some people have a difficult time getting rid of their favorite things. Other people enjoy doing so, but lack the time. If you’re the former type, I suggest that you do what you can and pray for grace for the rest. Many experts suggest that the good feelings you get from letting go of the first few things you let go of (the feelings of freedom and self-care) often help inspire you to continue.
For the latter group, a different solution might be needed. Remember, clutter isn’t only in your house; it can be in your life, too. Is there anything you can nix? Anything you can cut back on? Is it possible that at times, you’re afraid of not being busy enough—of being bored? If so, you’re in good company: I detest boredom. But I’ve learned to busy myself in more flexible ways. Instead of taking on a volunteer project or convincing myself I need to work a bit more, earn a bit more money, I come up with time-consuming hobbies that feed me. There’s always something to do, but there’s rarely a deadline. This is how I declutter my busy life.
Another kind of clutter: mind clutter. This one will kill you. If you’re experiencing guilt, regret, anxiety, depression or frequent negativity, please seek help as soon as you can. You don’t deserve that. No one does. It’s garbage.
***
What, then, is the Naked House?
Okay, then. Let’s get to it. The Naked House is, in five words, ordered from most important to least:
1. Bare;
2. Organized;
3. Matching;
4. Clean; and
5. Quality.
And really, that’s it—the Naked House philosophy in a nutshell. Our homes may have souls, or they may not, but either way the mood they convey affects us. And a house that has all or most of these five traits is the one that I believe helps us find the inner calm that we seek.
In this book we will tour the Naked House room by room, noticing how these concepts are applied. First, though, an overview of each of these five principles in turn.
***
The Naked House is bare; or,The solution is almost always fewer things
When it comes to making your home a more peaceful place, the solution is almost always fewer things. That’s not the only place in this book I’m going to make that statement, and there’s a good reason for that: the first and most important principle of the Naked House is that it’s bare. (That’s why it’s called “naked,” after all.) And so, the question becomes: what exactly do I mean by this term?
Well, what is the image you have in your mind when I use the word “bare”? Is it a room that is completely empty, as if no one lives there at all? Or is there a couch and a few chairs, maybe even a vase with some flowers? For the purposes of this book, the terms “bare” and “naked” aren’t so much about wearing no clothes as they are about wearing nothing that distracts from your beauty.
It is the complete absence of clutter.
****
With over 150 Amazon reviews, The Naked House is my best-selling book. Get your copyat Amazon or at your online retailer of choice.
If you have depression, helpful resources abound. I can’t recommend a mood- and life-improvement strategy more highly than reading excellent books on the various facets of depression and the many treatment options that exist to address them. Especially these.
My top picks are the first three on the list: The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon; This Is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More, for Young and Old Alike by Augusten Burroughs; andLost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hopeby Johann Hari. The Noonday Demon covers many of the heavy hitters of depression treatment: medication, exercise, hypnosis, cranial stimulation and more, in surprising detail. This Is How is written by a hilarious serial memoirist and has a great, no-excuses message, and Lost Connections is, I think, a literary feat as well as a self-help one, devoting one chapter each to the types of connections we need to rediscover if we want to successfully manage depression.
Books on Multiple Treatment Options for Depression
The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon (This is one of my favorite books on depression, as it covers many of the heavy hitters: medication, exercise, hypnosis, cranial stimulation and more.) This Is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More, for Young and Old Alike, Augusten Burroughs (Burroughs is a great writer and a no-excuses kind of guy. The book covers a lot of ground and is pretty funny, too.) Lost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hope, Johann Hari (With this book, Hari has accomplished a literary feat, devoting one chapter each to the types of connections we need to rediscover if we want to successfully manage depression.) Depression is Contagious: How the Most Common Mood Disorder Is Spreading Around the World and How to Stop It, Michael Yapko The Hilarious World of Depression, John Moe The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs, Stephen S. Ilardi How to Be Happy (Or at Least Less Sad): A Creative Workbook, Lee Crutchley and Oliver Burkeman Depression Survival Guide: Your Path To A Joy-Filled Life, Debbie Brady The No-Bullshit Guide to Depression, Steven Skoczen
Books on Cognitive Therapy for Depression
When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life, David Burns Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, David Burns The Feeling Good Handbook, David Burns Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think, Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple: 10 Strategies for Managing Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic, and Worry, Seth J. Gillihan The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time, Alex Korb and Daniel Siegel Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, Martin Seligman Who Would You Be Without Your Story?: Dialogues with Byron Katie and other books by Byron Katie, Byron Katie
Books on Exercise for Depression
Exercise for Mood and Anxiety: Proven Strategies for Overcoming Depression and Enhancing Well-Being by Michael Otto and Jasper A.J. Smits Manage Your Depression Through through Exercise: A 5-Week Plan to a Happier, Healthier, You by Jane Baxter
Books on Improving Relationships
For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed, Tara Parker-Pope The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference, Shaunti Feldhahn Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, Stan Tatkin Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily Nagoski His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Willard F. Harley, Jr. How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When–and Why–Love Doesn’t Work, Howard Halpern Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstanding, Aaron Beck Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Sue Johnson Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, Sue Johnson Mating in Captivity: Sex, Lies and Domestic Bliss, Esther Perell Neale Donald Walsch on Relationships, Neale Donald Walsch Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Books on Increasing Vocational Fulfillment
Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Martin Seligman Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmivaly The Inner Game of Work: Focus, Learning, Pleasure, and Mobility in the Workplace, W. Timothy Gallwey
Books on Meditation and Mindfulness
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle Meditation Without Gurus, Clark Strand When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Pema Chodron The Wisdom of No Escape And the Path of Loving-Kindness, Pema Chodron Ten Percent Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works–A True Story, Dan Harris The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation, Thich Nhat Hanh Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life, Thich Nhat Hanh Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness, Jon Kabat-Zinn Meditation: How to Reduce Stress, Get Healthy, and Find Your Happiness in Just 15 Minutes a Day, Rachel Rofe Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing, Anita Moorjani Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation—A 28-day Program, Sharon Salzberg Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, Sharon Salzberg The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being, Daniel Siegel
Books on Acceptance
Radical Acceptance: Living Life with the Heart of a Buddha, Tara Brach Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kirstin Neff The Art of Fear: Why Conquering Fear Won’t Work and What to Do Instead, Kristen Ulmer The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life, Mark Manson
Books on Trauma and Depression
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma, Stephanie Foo
Books on Habit Formation and Motivation
The Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home, Dan Ariely What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, David DiSalvo The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Charles Duhigg Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, Chip Heath and Dan Heath Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, Daniel Pink Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Joe Dispenza Everything You Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d, Candace Pert Molecules of Emotion: Why You Feel the Way You Feel, Candace Pert
Books on Positive Psychology
The Science of Happiness: How Our Brains Make Us Happy–and What We Can Do to Get Happier, Stefan Klein The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, Sonja Lyubomirsky Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile, Daniel Nettle Happiness: Lessons from a New Science, Richard Layard Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Ed Diener & Robert Biswas-Diener The Happiness Equation: Want Nothing + Do Anything = Have Everything, Neil Pasricha Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin Seligman Engineering Happiness: A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life, Manel Baucells and Rakesh Sarin The Happiness Advantage: How a Positive Brain Fuels Success in Work and Life, Shawn Achor
Other Helpful Books
How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence by Michael Pollan Psychedelic Medicine: The Healing Powers of LSD, MDMA, Psilocybin, and Ayahuasca by Dr. Richard Louis Miller Man’s Search for Ultimate Meaning, Viktor Frankl You Need Help!: A Step-by-Step Plan to Convince a Loved One to Get Counseling, Mark S Komrad
“Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby” Now Available at Walmart
After Rachel and Matthew had their first child, they had a couple of fights. Well, okay, more than a couple—they fought for over three years. They fought about schedules. They fought about bad habits.
They even fought about the lawn mower.
And besides actually having their child, it was the best thing that could’ve happened.
Chronicling their greatest hits, from the Great Birth Control Debate to the Divorce Joke Showdown, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is a post-partem story with hope. It offers true stories from the field, nitty-gritty advice and, most importantly, a nuanced understanding of what it takes to be married with children.
Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
Here’s another installment in my happiness book summaries: The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work by Shawn Achor. I like its overview of the history of positive psychology and it’s thorough treatment of the topic. Also, it’s fun to read, and that makes me happy, too.
Key Takeaways
Happiness is important, and we know of many ways to achieve it. That’s the central message of this book. But before delving into that, the author attempts to explain what happiness is:
“So how do the scientists define happiness? Essentially, as the experience of positive emotions—pleasure combined with deeper feelings of meaning and purpose. Happiness implies a positive mood in the present and a positive outlook for the future. Martin Seligman, the pioneer in positive psychology, has broken it down into three, measurable components: pleasure, engagement, and meaning.”
The book describes the recent birth of the field of positive psychology and the author’s part in it: “In 2006, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar asked if I would serve as his head teaching fellow to help design and teach a course called Positive Psychology. Tal was not yet internationally well-known; his best-selling book Happier wouldn’t be published until the following spring. Under the circumstances, we thought we’d be lucky to lure in a hundred undergraduates brave enough to risk a hit on their transcripts by foregoing a credit in, say, advanced economic theory for one in happiness. Over the next two semesters, nearly 1,200 Harvard students enrolled in the class—that’s one in every six students at one of the most hard-driving universities in the world. We quickly began to realize that these students were there because they were hungry. They were starving to be happier, not sometime in the future, but in the present. And they were there because despite all the advantages they enjoyed, they still felt unfulfilled.”
People have less sex over the course of their lives than we think they do. Feelings that we are missing out on this experience are therefore based on inaccurate information. “Based on my study of Harvard undergraduates, the average number of romantic relationships over four years is less than one. The average number of sexual partners, if you’re curious, is 0.5 per student. (I have no idea what 0.5 sexual partners means, but it sounds like the scientific equivalent of second base.) In my survey, I found that among these brilliant Harvard students, 24 percent are unaware if they are currently involved in any romantic relationship.”
Positivity and happiness predict success fairly reliably. “For example, doctors put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis show almost three times more intelligence and creativity than doctors in a neutral state, and they make accurate diagnoses 19 percent faster. Optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by 56 percent. Students primed to feel happy before taking math achievement tests far outperform their neutral peers. It turns out that our brains are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative or even neutral, but when they are positive.”
A study of 180 journals kept by Catholic nuns showed a correlation between emotional well-being and physical well-being: “The nuns whose journal entries had more overtly joyful content lived nearly ten years longer than the nuns whose entries were more negative or neutral. By age 85, 90 percent of the happiest quartile of nuns were still alive, compared to only 34 percent of the least happy quartile.”
“Research shows that unhappy employees take more sick days, staying home an average of 1.25 more days per month, or 15 extra sick days a year.”
“In one study I’m glad I never volunteered to take part in, researchers gave subjects a survey designed to measure levels of happiness—then injected them with a strain of the cold virus. A week later, the individuals who were happier before the start of the study had fought off the virus much better than the less happy individuals. They didn’t just feel better, either; they actually had fewer objective symptoms of illness as measured by doctors—less sneezing, coughing, inflammation, and congestion.”
“Positive emotions flood our brains with dopamine and serotonin, chemicals that not only make us feel good, but dial up the learning centers of our brains to higher levels. They help us organize new information, keep that information in the brain longer, and retrieve it faster later on. And they enable us to make and sustain more neural connections, which allows us to think more quickly and creatively, become more skilled at complex analysis and problem solving, and see and invent new ways of doing things.”
The book also examines the power of belief at length. It describes a study in which 75-year-old men were asked to pretend they were 55 and the year was twenty years earlier. It seems that during the study, the men felt closer to the age they pretended to be: “After the retreat, most of the men had improved in every category; they were significantly more flexible, had better posture, and even much-improved hand strength. Their average eyesight even improved by almost 10 percent, as did their performance on tests of memory. In over half the men, intelligence, long thought to be fixed from adolescence, moved up as well. Even their physical appearance changed; random people who didn’t know anything about the experiment were shown pictures of the men both before and after the experiment, and asked to guess their age. Based on these objective ratings, the men looked, on average, three years younger than when they arrived.”
“In one of my favorite all-time experiments, Japanese researchers blindfolded a group of students and told them their right arms were being rubbed with a poison ivy plant.3 Afterward, all 13 of the students’ arms reacted with the classic symptoms of poison ivy: itching, boils, and redness. Not surprising … until you find out that the plant used for the study wasn’t poison ivy at all, just a harmless shrub. The students’ beliefs were actually strong enough to create the biological effects of poison ivy, even though no such plant had touched them. Then, on the students’ other arm, the researchers rubbed actual poison ivy, but told them it was a harmless plant. Even though all 13 students were highly allergic, only 2 of them broke out into the poison ivy rash!”
“One study of 112 entry-level accountants found that those who believed they could accomplish what they set out to do were the ones who ten months later scored the best job performance ratings from their supervisors.”
“A team of researchers led by Robert Rosenthal went into an elementary school and administered intelligence tests to the students. The researchers then told the teachers in each of the classrooms which students—say, Sam, Sally, and Sarah—the data had identified as academic superstars, the ones with the greatest potential for growth. [However,] when Sam, Sally, and Sarah had been tested at the beginning of the experiment, they were found to be absolutely, wonderfully ordinary. The researchers had randomly picked their names and then lied to the teachers about their ability. But after the experiment, they had in fact turned into academic superstars.”
So how do we increase our happiness, then? One way is to meditate. “Neuroscientists have found that monks who spend years meditating actually grow their left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain most responsible for feeling happy. But don’t worry, you don’t have to spend years in sequestered, celibate silence to experience a boost. Take just five minutes each day to watch your breath go in and out.”
Another idea: think about something you are looking forward to. “One study found that people who just thought about watching their favorite movie actually raised their endorphin levels by 27 percent.”
Another: do random acts of kindness regularly. “A long line of empirical research, including one study of over 2,000 people, has shown that acts of altruism—giving to friends and strangers alike—decrease stress and strongly contribute to enhanced mental health.”
And, of course, exercise. “You have probably heard that exercise releases pleasure-inducing chemicals called endorphins, but that’s not its only benefit. Physical activity can boost mood and enhance our work performance in a number of other ways as well, by improving motivation and feelings of mastery, reducing stress and anxiety, and helping us get into flow—that ‘locked in’ feeling of total engagement that we usually get when we’re at our most productive.”
Spend money on pleasurable experiences rather than on stuff. They good feelings last longer, creating good memories and hope for similar experiences in the future.
Recognition and feedback is extremely helpful for happiness as well. Even silly prizes and awards help us feel good about ourselves and our performance.
Gratitude is another powerful way to become happier: “When you write down a list of ‘three good things’ that happened that day, your brain will be forced to scan the last 24 hours for potential positives—things that brought small or large laughs, feelings of accomplishment at work, a strengthened connection with family, a glimmer of hope for the future.”
Optimism is important for success, as demonstrated in the following anecdote: “You’ve probably heard the oft-told story of the two shoe salesmen who were sent to Africa in the early 1900s to assess opportunities. They wired separate telegrams back to their boss. One read: ‘Situation hopeless. They don’t wear shoes.’ The other read: ‘Glorious opportunity! They don’t have any shoes yet.'”
The book also describes how to create good habits and discourage bad ones.
About the Author
Shawn Achor is an American author, speaker, and positive psychology researcher known for his work on happiness, well-being, and positive psychology in the workplace. He earned his Bachelor’s degree from Harvard University, where he studied positive psychology under renowned psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar. He later earned a Master’s degree from Harvard Divinity School.
Achor’s research and writings primarily focus on the science of happiness and positive psychology, particularly in the context of work and organizations. He has conducted extensive research on the factors that contribute to individual and collective well-being and performance.
In addition to his books, Achor is a highly sought-after speaker, delivering engaging and informative presentations on positive psychology, happiness, and well-being. He has delivered TED Talks that have garnered millions of views, further spreading his message of the importance of cultivating happiness and positivity.
This sounds like a really interesting book, I enjoyed reading your summary of it. I noticed the mention of Robert Rosenthal’s study and I actually studied it in detail for my psychology class. It’s absolutely fascinating.
Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book Of Homeschooling by John Holt and Pat Farenga isn’t my favorite John Holt book. But anything with his name on it is a push of the “Buy Now” button on Amazon for me.
Read it because you’re familiar with Holt’s unschooling philosophy, and want ideas for employing it in some way.
Key Takeaways
In this book the authors discuss the idea of unschooling as an alternative to traditional schooling or homeschooling. This involves allowing learning without a lot of direct teaching. The authors provide a number of colorful, hearty quotes, some of which are as follows:
Learning is, and should be considered to be, as natural to humans as breathing. The authors imagine themselves at a “breathing conference” where nothing but the act of improving on breathing is discussed all day long. “And I thought, if we found ourselves at such a conference, would we not assume that everyone there was sick, or had just been sick? Why so much talk and worry about something that healthy people do naturally?”
“If there were no other reason for wanting to keep kids out of school, the social life would be reason enough. In all but a very few of the schools I have taught in, visited, or know anything about, the social life of the children is mean-spirited, competitive, exclusive, status-seeking, snobbish, full of talk about who went to whose birthday party and who got what …”
“Years ago I read that one or more inner-city schools had tried the experiment of letting fifth graders teach first graders to read. They found, first, that the first graders learned faster than similar first graders taught by trained teachers, and secondly, that the fifth graders who were teaching them, many or most of whom had not been good readers themselves, also improved a great deal in their reading.”
“We can sum up very quickly what people need to teach their own children. First of all, they have to like them, enjoy their company, their physical presence, their energy, foolishness, and passion. They have to enjoy all their talk and questions, and enjoy equally trying to answer those questions. They have to think of their children as friends, indeed very close friends, have to feel happier when they are near and miss them when they are away. They have to trust them as people, respect their fragile dignity, treat them with courtesy, take them seriously. They have to feel in their own hearts some of their children’s wonder, curiosity, and excitement about the world. And they have to have enough confidence in themselves, skepticism about experts, and willingness to be different from most people, to take on themselves the responsibility for their children’s learning. But that is about all that parents need.”
“During his early years, my wife and I and a couple of friends taught him all he wanted to know, and if we didn’t know it, which usually was the case, it was even better for we all learned together. Example: at 7, he saw the periodic table of elements, wanted to learn atoms and chemistry and physics. I had forgotten how to balance an equation, but went out and bought a college textbook on the subject, a history of discovery of the elements, and some model atoms, and in the next month we went off into a tangent of learning in which somehow we both learned college-level science. He has never returned to the subject, but to this day retains every bit of it because it came at a moment in development and fantasy that was meaningful to him.”
“A very important function of institutions of so-called higher learning is not so much to teach people things as to limit access to certain kinds of learning and work. The function of law schools is much less to train lawyers than to keep down the supply of lawyers. Practically everything that is now only done by people with Ph.D.’s was, not so very long ago, done by people with no graduate training or in some cases even undergraduate training.”
Though some parents worry about sheltering their children too much, the author believes that doing so is the proper role of a parent. Sheltering them is a way of teaching them how to avoid problems later on.
Some parents view homeschooling as a way for kids to avoid challenges or problems, but the authors write that children will always have their fair share of these. “To learn to know oneself, and to find a life worth living and work worth doing, is problem and challenge enough, without having to waste time on the fake and unworthy challenges of school—pleasing the teacher, staying out of trouble, fitting in with the gang, being popular, doing what everyone else does.”
To parents who fear homeschooling won’t challenge kids to do things they don’t want to do, the authors write that life is full of requirements, and they will learn to meet them if they have enough internal and external motivation to do so.
“Intelligence … is not the measure of how much we know how to do, but of how we behave when we don’t know what to do. It has to do with our ability to think up important questions and then to find ways to get useful answers.”
“One thing I’ve found useful, when helping kids go through this process, is to make three lists. One list is for things that come easily, things that you would do anyway, whether or not you sat down and made a plan about them. The second list is for things that you want to work on but feel you need some help with—maybe suggestions of ways to pursue the activity, or maybe some sort of schedule or plan regarding it. The third list is for things you want to put aside for a while, things you don’t want to work on right now.”
About the Author
John Holt and Pat Farenga are both influential figures in the field of education, particularly in the realm of homeschooling and alternative education.
John Holt (1923-1985) was an American educator, author, and advocate for educational reform. He is best known for his progressive views on education and his belief in the importance of child-centered learning. Holt challenged traditional schooling methods and argued that children learn best when they are actively engaged and have the freedom to explore their interests. His influential books, such as “How Children Fail” and “How Children Learn,” sparked a movement that emphasized self-directed learning and homeschooling as viable alternatives to conventional education.
Pat Farenga, a student and collaborator of John Holt, has played a significant role in continuing Holt’s work and promoting homeschooling as a valid educational option. After Holt’s death, Farenga worked closely with the Holt Associates and founded Holt Associates International, which provides support and resources to homeschooling families. He has written several books, including “Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling,” co-authored with John Holt. Farenga is known for his efforts to spread awareness about homeschooling, empower parents as primary educators, and advocate for educational freedom and choice.
Both John Holt and Pat Farenga have made substantial contributions to the educational landscape by challenging traditional schooling paradigms and championing alternative approaches that prioritize the needs and interests of individual learners. Their work continues to inspire and inform parents, educators, and policymakers seeking innovative and student-centered educational models.
This is chapter one of my book, Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby: A Self-help Story. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
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Everyone told me it was normal to be nervous. More than nervous—freaked out. Insecure. You’re going to let us take her home now? By ourselves? they remembered thinking before leaving the hospital. Are you sure that’s such a good idea?
And actually, it was pretty weird. The nurses taught me how to latch the baby, how to change a diaper, how to adjust the straps on the car seat. They helped Matt and I get the swaddle neat and tight. But they didn’t say a word about, well, parenting. Crib or bed? Feeding schedule or no? Go back to work or stay at home? All of the hard decisions were saved for another day, not this day, the day Poppy was born.
I labored at the hospital, Matthew there and gone again, making trips between the delivery room, various eating establishments and home. While he distracted himself with errands, I distracted myself with an audio book, trying not to wish he was nearby. Thing was, I didn’t want him there. I really didn’t. I didn’t want to have to have a conversation. But if he would have held me–just that, and nothing more–that might have been all right.
It took two hours for the pitocin to kick in, and in late afternoon the real labor came. For this, Matthew did hold me, both my head and my hand, offering his body as leverage. When the midwife told me to curl, Matthew pushed my legs to my head, and laughed at how hard I pushed back. Lots of pushes. Lots. So many. So many. Then the head was visible, and the midwife asked if I wanted a mirror.
“Yes!” I said.
“No,” said Matt at the same time. Then: “You do, Hon? Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I said. “Of course I do. Don’t you?”
The midwife positioned it for me, and I saw my baby for the first time.
It didn’t look like a baby.
Three more pushes. Hard pushes. Long ones. Then: relief. The head was out, and with a last push for the body, Matthew and I became parents.
Matthew looked at the baby, then at me. “It’s a girl,” he announced.
“We know that already,” I said, laughing.
“She’s beautiful,” he said.
“But we knew that, too.”
“Of course we did. She is perfect.”
The midwife put Poppy, now crying heavily, on my chest. As I smooshed my breast against her mouth, Matthew put his hand on her soft hair.
“There she is.”
“There she is. She is ours.”
* * *
Late that night. Matthew gone again. He didn’t want to sleep on the pull-out. And as I soon learned, it was just as well. No, not just as well; it was better.
I got to spend the whole night with just her.
No sharing. No small talk. No deciding. No details. No normal life stuff. Just life. Just the room, the dark, except the street lamps below the half-drawn blinds, and a simple light behind the bed dimmed to almost nothing.
So this is motherhood, I thought as I stared at Poppy’s face. This is who I am now. Strange that I’m not scared. Everyone says you’ll be scared. But I feel good. I feel confident. It feels simple.
Here’s this little alive thing, sort of like a plant, except that I am her air and sunlight, her photosynthesis. She needs me completely, and I accept the challenge. That is the way this thing works.
It’s the most straightforward relationship I’ve ever had.
Honestly, that was it. That was my conclusion. I would be the giver, she’d be the taker—and I was fine with that. It was when I expected something, when I needed someone to behave a certain way—that was the situation I worried about.
Which is why lying in bed that night, there was only one thing I was worried about, and it had nothing to do with the baby.
It was Matthew.
What’s he going to be like, now that we have a kid? I wondered. Will he be the same person? For that matter, will I? Will being parents affect the way we treat each other? How we are together?
How will our relationship change?
And as it turned out, I was right to be nervous. Because while that first year with Poppy was one of the best of my life, it was the worst for me and Matt.
* * *
The following day, the hospital. Only that room in the hospital, and the bathroom adjoining it. Nothing more. Matthew came and went, bringing meals, bringing news. We opened a few presents, saw doctors, did paperwork. I slept a bit, too, Poppy next to me on the bed, though the nurse had advised against it. When I had to change my pad, the nurses helped me to the bathroom. They changed all of Poppy’s diapers and held her when she cried. It was the first time in my life I’d been waited on so thoroughly, and I relished it. I didn’t want to leave.
The following morning, Matthew arrived at 9 a.m. to take me home, and I delayed the departure as long as possible. When the time finally came—it was close to noon—I took a long last look at the room.
Maybe it was nostalgia. Sentimentality. Hormones. Or maybe—just maybe—it was more than that. Maybe it was the inkling I’d had the night before about Matthew.
Maybe I was sensing the learning curve ahead.
Yes, that was it. Just hours after giving birth, I had the mom thing figured out. I didn’t know how to do anything—not even change a diaper—but I knew how to be alone with my child. But four years into my marriage, I still didn’t know what Matthew expected of me, what he didn’t expect of me, and, most important, what to expect of myself. When it was just Matthew and I, this oversight didn’t matter. I compensated for not understanding what he really needed by giving him more of what he wanted, which worked fine. But now—now I had a second relationship to consider. My usual coping strategies wouldn’t work.
Even before Matthew and I arrived home the tension between us had begun. Matthew wasn’t himself. He was irritable. Hurried. Though whether due to jealousy, neglect or just impatience, I’ll never know.
He tried to hide his annoyance with humor. “Should’ve had a home birth.”
I responded with a tight smile and forced laugh. “I liked it there,” I said.
“Yeah, I noticed. Thought you were going to sprain an ankle so you could stay.”
“Don’t begrudge me my reward,” I told him, smiling again. “Besides, I thought about it. Wouldn’t’ve worked.”
The things I didn’t say: “Why do I have to bring up the pain of childbirth this soon?” “Why aren’t you happier?” “Why aren’t we celebrating?” I wanted the day we left the hospital to be special, an occasion. Instead, I just felt sad to go home.
Maybe it was too much to expect him to know how I felt, how I wanted him to support me on that day. But a small gesture made in that tender time would’ve gone a long way towards lessening my fears. He could’ve held my hand. He could’ve told me how proud he was of me. He could’ve just asked me what I needed. It would’ve taken so little, almost nothing—but instead, he chose jokes and I chose smiles.
The first two weeks after the baby was born, I cried nearly every night before sleep. A few times, Matthew heard me; he came to the bedroom and asked what was wrong. Each time I told him the same thing.
“It’s just hormones, Hon. I’ll be okay.”
I was working too hard. That was part of the problem. I always had and didn’t want to stop. Baby in the chest carrier, I cooked, cleaned and, my favorite, organized. There’s never an end of things to organize.
Part of me realized the emotions were normal, and that I wasn’t taking good enough care of myself. Another part of me, though, blamed Matthew.
He wasn’t helping enough. That’s the truth, unvarnished. He didn’t seem to know how to, really. While my life had changed completely—no more day job, constant sleep interruptions—he was quickly back to his usual routine. Work. Eat. Play. Sleep. Weekends: basketball, projects. Which is why, during those first few weeks with Poppy, I felt all the good stuff you’re supposed to feel— gratitude and love—I felt a lot of bad stuff, too. I was scared. I was angry. But mostly, I was sad. Sad that things weren’t right with me and Matt.
*
Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Previously available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other online retailers, it is now available at Walmart as well. Get your copy today and don’t forget to leave a review.
2 comments
I love that you wrote a book about this subject. Having a baby, like all big changes in life brings happiness but also it takes a time to adjust to a new routine, and of course, it changes your relationship with your partner. I think it gets better after a while when you get used to having a new person at home and your new routine but people should be aware of all this transition.
I really like the article! Practicing new positive habits creates an attitude of moving forward! I believe that each individual is capable of discovering what makes him or her strong against depression. In my case, going to the gym and training hard creates euphoria and of security in me.
Thank you! Exercise is definitely in the book. I include it as one of the Big Six. 🙂