The Middle East isn’t its own continent, but with its distinct climate, its cultural uniqueness, its geographical separation from the rest of Asia and its political separation from Europe, its story is largely its own. Here, review your knowledge of the first civilization in history, and the many other great Middle Eastern civilizations to follow.
ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE: HISTORY OF THE MIDDLE EAST
Ancient Times (3000 BCE to 500 CE)
Sumer: The collection of cities that arose in ancient southern Mesopotamia along the Tigris and Euphrates rivers around 4000 BCE and that made up the first known human civilization. It was not a unified empire; each city-state had its own ruler and government. It is known for its ziggurats; its use of cuneiform; and its professional scribes and accountants.
Ziggurats: Massive pyramid-like buildings with stepped sides that served as centers of worship and administrative centers in ancient Mesopotamia
The Akkadian Empire: The ancient Mesopotamian empire that lasted from about 2300 BCE to about 2100 BCE and that is sometimes considered the world’s first empire. Likely encompassing most of Mesopotamia, it united the northern Akkadian people and the southern Sumerian people under one rule. Akkad became its capital, and Akkadian became the dominant language, though Sumerian was also used.
Sargon the Great: The Sumerian ruler who united northern and southern Mesopotamia into the Akkadian Empire in the 2300s BCE. He is known for establishing a centralized government; for standardizing weights and measures; and for promoting Akkadian as the official language of the empire.
The Assyrian Empire: The ancient Mesopotamian empire that lasted from about 2100 BCE to about 600 BCE and that dominated northern Mesopotamia in the valley of the Upper Tigris River. It was named after its capital and ongoing prominent city Assur. It co-existed with its southern rival, the Babylonian Empire, with each empire enjoying periods of dominance. Eventually, it fell to the Babylonians. It is known for its military-minded warrior kings; its polytheistic religion, which included worship of nature and objects; its siege warfare techniques; its well-organized infrastructure that included roads and aqueducts; and its effective governance over conquered lands. Under some particularly harsh rulers, Assyrians burned and wrecked the towns they captured and murdered many inhabitants in order to instill fear.
Ashurbanipal: The last great ruler of the Assyrian Empire, who ruled in the 600s BCE. He is known for building the great library at Nineveh after ordering historical and scientific works to be written down; for creating impressive palace gardens featuring plants from all over the world; and for conquering Babylon for a time.
The Babylonian Empire: The ancient Mesopotamian empire that lasted from about 1900 BCE to about 500 BCE and that dominated southern Mesopotamia. It was named after one of its prominent cities, Babylon. It co-existed with its northern rival, the Assyrian Empire, with each empire enjoying periods of dominance. It is known for its unique code of law; its invention of a math system that used base 60 for time and degrees of a circle; its stable, efficient rule; and its well-disciplined armies.
Hammurabi: The ruler who, in the 1700s BCE, first unified and led the Babylonian Empire, and who is known for creating a fair and historically influential justice system
The Code of Hammurabi: The set of laws created by Hammurabi and the longest, most complete legal text of the ancient world. It is known for their fairness; their widespread historical influence; and their effectiveness in strengthening the Babylonian Empire and encouraging internal peace. It famously includes the phrase “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,” which is quoted in the Old Testament.
The Hittites: The ancient people who inhabited a collection of city-states in modern-day Turkey from around 1600 BCE to the 1100s BCE. They are known for being the first people to smelt iron; for their warlike culture; for their invention of the chariot; for their boulder sculptures; for their 1000 gods; and for introducing the horse to the Middle East.
The Phoenicians: The ancient people who inhabited a collection of city-states on the east end of the Mediterranean Sea in modern-day Lebanon from approximately 1550 to 300 BCE. They are known for creating the first known alphabet, which later became the basis for Greek and Roman alphabets; for being the greatest seafarers of ancient times; for making a highly prized purple dye from snails; for advancing the art of glass making; for maintaining internal peace; for colonizing Carthage in Egypt; for culturally influencing Greece; and for prospering through extensive trade with India and China. They fell in 300 BCE to the Persians.
The Hebrews/Jews/Israelites: The ancient Semitic people who settled Canaan (modern-day Israel and Palestine) around 1900 BCE and whose story is told in the Old Testament. After migrating from Mesopotamia, possibly from the city of Ur, then possibly spending time in modern-day Turkey, they fled to Egypt during a famine. There, they eventually became enslaved and had to escape to Canaan. In Canaan, their twelve tribes settled and established a unique identity. They fought the Palestinians (whom they called the Philistines) and other groups for territory and conquered Jericho, Jerusalem and other areas. Later, they established the Kingdom of Israel and Jerusalem became its capital. They are known for their monotheism; their individualism; their strong cultural identity and resistance to assimilation, which kept them united in spite of multiple exiles and separations; and their belief that negative occurrences result from sin, not from the whim of the gods.
Abraham: The father of the Jewish people, who lived in the 1900s BCE and whose story is told in the Old Testament. According to that account, he was the father of Isaac, who was the father of Jacob, who was the father of the twelve sons who became the heads of the twelve tribes of Israel.
The Twelve Tribes of Israel: The twelve ancestral tribes of the Jewish people, all of whom descended from Jacob. Each tribe had its own territory and identity and played a specific role in the social and religious life of ancient Israel. The tribes were led by various judges before uniting under kings as the Kingdom of Israel. Later, the kingdom split into two separate entities: the northern Kingdom of Israel and the southern Kingdom of Judah. This weakened them politically and militarily, and led to the exile of many Jews in the 700s BCE by Assyria after Assyria conquered Israel, and the exile of many more in the 500s BCE by Babylon after Babylon conquered Israel. These events were known as the Assyrian Captivity and the Babylonian Captivity, and were the first of many diaspora events experienced by the Jewish people.
The Jewish diaspora: The scattering of the Jewish people from their homeland of Israel to other parts of the world. It started during the Assyrian captivity, and during the centuries to follow, Jews have migrated to many other countries while attempting to maintain their unique identity.
Moses: The Jewish leader and prophet who lived around the 1300s BCE and whose story is told in the Old Testament. According to that account, he is known for leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt; receiving the Ten Commandments from God on Mount Sinai; and receiving the Torah, the first five books of the Hebrew Bible.
The Ark of the Covenant: The legendary gold-covered wooden chest that, according to the Old Testament, held the stone manuscript on which Moses’ Ten Commandments were written. It was held in the temple at Jerusalem for many years, then was lost, possibly during a battle with the Palestinians.
Saul: The first king of the Kingdom of Israel, who ruled during the 1000s BCE. He was chosen by God after the people of Israel demanded to replace their judge leaders with kings, like other nations had. He is known for starting out as a successful and popular leader, then later disobeying God and falling from grace as well as for his persecution of David.
David: The second king of the Kingdom of Israel, who ruled in the late 900s BCE. He was from the tribe of Judah and is known for his military victories; for his justice, faith and mercy; for his musicianship; for his authorship of the Biblical book of Psalms; and for establishing Jerusalem as the political and religious capital of Israel.
Solomon: The third third king of the Kingdom of Israel, who ruled during the 900s BCE. The son of King David and Bathsheba, he is known for his wisdom; his wealth; his extensive building projects, including the construction of the First Temple in Jerusalem and his own palace; and his marriages to foreign princesses, which led to the introduction of foreign gods into Israel.
Jerusalem: The city in modern-day Israel that was established around 3000 BCE, then was conquered by the Jews and became the capital of the Kingdom of Israel around 1000 BCE under King Solomon. It is known for being one of the oldest cities in the world; for its significance to three major religions: Judaism, Christianity and Islam; for being the site of the Temple Mount, the location of the First and Second Temples and the Al-Aqsa Mosque; for being the site of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, one of the most important Christian sites in the world; and for its capture and attempted recapture during the Crusades.
The Babylonian captivity: The approximately 70-year period during which many Hebrews from the Kingdom of Judah were enslaved by the Babylonians in the late 500s BCE. In part, this happened because after Solomon’s death, Israel split into two kingdoms and were weakened. The captivity came to an end when the Persian Empire, led by King Cyrus the Great, conquered Babylon and issued a decree allowing the exiled Judahites to return to their homeland and rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem.
Nebuchadnezzar II: A king of Babylon during the 500s BCE who is known for helping Babylon regain independence from Assyria, starting a period of their history known as Babylon Revived; for extending Babylonian territory significantly; for capturing Jerusalem and destroying it as well as the Temple of Jerusalem, and forcing the Jews to exile; for beautifying Babylon by building and restoring numerous temples and palaces and possibly creating the Hanging Gardens of Babylon; for extending trade networks; and for, later in his life, possibly going mad.
The Persian Empire: The ancient Mesopotamian empire that existed in modern-day Iran, Afghanistan and beyond from the 500s BCE to the 300s BCE. It is known for its vast size; its military prowess; its cultural diversity and religious tolerance; its contributions to art and literature; its advanced road and postal systems; its centralized bureaucracy; and its peaceful incorporation of other conquered territories. It fell to Alexander the Great in the 300s.
Cyrus the Great: The founder of the Persian Empire, who ruled from 550 BCE to 530 BCE, and who is known for his military conquests; for his political acumen; for his religious tolerance (he freed the Jews out of captivity in Babylon); and for creating the Cyrus Cylinder
The Cyrus Cylinder: An ancient clay artifact that was written in Babylonian cuneiform in the 500s BCE and discovered in the 1800s CE and is considered the world’s first written declaration of human rights. It describes Cyrus the Great’s policy of religious tolerance as well as his restoration of temples and release of captive peoples.
Darius the Great: An important king of the Persian Empire during the time of ancient Greece. He is known for expanding the Persian Empire; for adopting Zoroastrianism, which might have later influenced Christianity; for building an extensive road network throughout the empire; and for introducing a standard coinage.
Xerxes the Great: The son of Darius the Great and the king of the Persian Empire in the 400s BCE who fought the Persian Wars against the Greeks. A skillful general, he is known for losing two key battles against the Greeks: the Battle of Thermopylae, which took place on a mountain pass and was fought against only 300 Spartan soldiers, and the Battle of Salamis, a naval engagement.
Arabs: An ethnic group originating in the Middle East that speaks Arabic
The Middle Ages (500 CE to 1500 CE)
The Islamic Empire: The succession of various Islamic caliphates (governments led by caliphs) that ruled in the Middle East after the death of Muhammad in the 600s. It is known for rapidly expanding to eventually encompass the Arabian Peninsula, North Africa, Persia and parts of Europe and Asia, as well as for bringing an Islamic golden age.
The Abbasid Dynasty: The dynasty that led the Islamic Empire from the 700s CE to the 1200s CE, bringing a golden age to the area. It is known for its unity and stability; its flourishing capital at Baghdad, whose court is the setting for much of the classic story The Thousand and One Nights; its advances in chemistry and astronomy; and for the invention of algebra at this time.
The Mongol invasion: The successful overthrow of the Abbasids and Turks by the Mongol Empire led by Genghis Khan in the 1200s CE. Their power in the area did not last, however.
The Crusades: A series of religious battles fought between Christians and Muslims from around 1100 CE to the 1200s CE. Initiated by Christians, the primary goal was to recapture the Holy Land, particularly Jerusalem, which was under Muslim control, and to defend Christian pilgrims who made the journey to the region. The battles took place over a period of two centuries, involving many of the most powerful states and armies of Europe at the time. The Roman Catholic Pope initially called for the attacks. The Crusades were unsuccessful, ill-conceived and disastrous for all involved.
The Seljuk Turks: The Turkic people whose civilization was located in modern-day Iran and beyond from about the 1000s CE to the 1200s CE. They are known for their military prowess; for influencing the cultural and political development of the Islamic world; and for successfully defending their land against the Crusaders.
Early Modern Times (1500 CE to 1900 CE)
Safavid Empire: The empire that ruled Persia and beyond from the early 1500s to the 1700s. It is known for successfully resisting Ottoman takeover; for being one of the greatest Iranian empires; for establishing Islam as the official religion of the empire; for modernizing the area; and for increasing the area’s economic power and global status by increasing governmental efficiency, architectural innovations and fine arts.
The Ottoman Empire: The empire that encompassed most of the Middle East from the 1200s to the early 1900s, with its peak power in the 1600s. Vast and wealthy, it united the whole region under one ruler for the first time since the Abbasid Empire. It is known for its impressive military strength; its complex hierarchical administrative system led by a sultan; its cultural achievements, including in architecture, literature, and music; its extensive trade with the West; its control of important trade routes; and its retaking of Constantinople from the Byzantine empire. It sided with the Central Powers in World War I, which led to its fall and the redrawing of the map of the Middle East by the Allied victors.
Suleymon the Magnificent: The most successful sultan of the Ottoman Empire, who reigned in the 1500s. He is known for expanding the empire to its greatest size and power, conquering much of Europe, the Balkans, and the Middle East; for encouraging the arts; for building many impressive structures, including the Suleymaniye Mosque in Istanbul; and for reforming legal and administrative systems, which helped modernize the Ottoman state.
The Modern Era (1900 CE to the Present)
The State of Israel: The Jewish state founded in 1948, partly to unite displaced Jews after the Holocaust and return their historical homeland. This resulted in frequent civil war between the Jews and Palestinians in the area.
OPEC: A coalition founded in 1960 with the goal of overseeing and controlling petroleum prices and policies of its member countries, who are mostly located in the Middle East. In the early 1900s, large oil reserves were discovered in the Middle East, which led to growing power in the area. It also led to attempts by European countries to control these areas and to set economic regulations there.
The Suez Crisis: The conflict that took place in the 1950s between Egypt and the UK, France, and Israel over control of the Suez Canal. After Egypt nationalized the canal, Israel, the UK and France attempted to seize it, but the United Nations intervened to prevent it.
Saddam Hussein: The president and dictator of Iraq during the 1970s, 80s ad 90s who is known for his aggressive foreign policies, his authoritarian rule, his human rights abuses, and his suppression of political opposition. In the early 2000s, a U.S.-led coalition invaded Iraq and toppled Saddam Hussein’s regime, leading to his capture and subsequent execution.
The 1970s oil embargo: An oil embargo by Arab oil-producing countries, which occurred as a protest of countries that supported Israel in the Yom Kippur War, a war against Israel by several Arab countries. It caused a significant increase in oil prices and economic disruption.
The Iranian Revolution: The overthrow of the Iranian shah in the late 1970s, which led to the creation of an Islamic republic and increased political and religious extremism in Iran
The Iran-Iraq war: The long, drawn-out war that took place in the 1980s between Iran and Iraq after Saddam Hussein invaded Iran over disputed border territories. It resulted in a stalemate and ceasefire and Iran retained its lands.
The Gulf War: The war against Iraq in the 1990s by a international military coalition led by the U.S. It was a response to Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait, which resulted in the devastation of Kuwait including the burning of their oil fields. It resulted in the liberation of Kuwait and a ceasefire. Afterwards, the UN established a system of inspections and disarmament measures to prevent Iraq from developing or possessing weapons of mass destruction.
Osama bin Laden: The founder and leader of Al-Qaeda, an extremist Islamist militant group responsible for several high-profile attacks against the United States, including the September 11th attacks in 2001. He died during a U.S. military raid in 2011.
Al-Qaida: An extremist Islamist militant group founded by Osama bin Laden in the 1980s. Its goals are to drive Western influence and military presence out of Muslim countries and to establish a global Islamic caliphate. It is known for several terrorist attacks, including the September 11th attacks on the U.S., which killed nearly 3,000 people.
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict: The ongoing dispute between the state of Israel, a Jewish nation, and the Palestinians, a Muslim Arab ethnic group, over land, borders and the right of self-rule. It started with the rise of Zionism in the early 1900s and the subsequent creation of the state of Israel. Since then, the groups have fought many holy wars, some of which have included many other countries on both sides. Historically, the U.S. has supported Israel, partly for reasons of religion and tradition and partly due to economic and strategic reasons.
It’s been many, many years since John Gottman started bossing around the world of marriage counseling, and guess what? He’s still bossing it. As far as I can tell, no one’s ideas or research have influenced couples counseling practices more than those of this psychologist and researcher from way back.
There are some drawbacks to reading Gottman, though. To me, Gottman’s many books are highly repetitive in nature and lack a sophisticated edit. Clearly, Gottman is a researcher first and a writer second, but that’s okay. That’s why we have book summaries.
The Takeaways
Four bad communication habits are responsible for much of the world’s communication-related distress: criticism, contempt, stonewalling/withdrawal; and defensiveness. Anger and arguments are not likely to become a serious problem in a relationship if they are not accompanied by one of these behaviors. (That’s good news!)
Criticism is a form of complaint that points to a person’s attributes as the source of a problem rather than pointing to their behavior. Replace a person-focused criticism with a problem-focused complaint, Gottman recommends. Note that “I” statements are usually complaints and “you” statements are usually attacks/criticisms (though not always).
Use a “soft startup” to a disagreement by beginning with a complaint rather than a criticism.
Contempt is the worst of what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In his research he found that the presence of this habit is most predictive of divorce. Replace mean-spirited contempt or condescension such as eye-rolling with compliments and nonverbal signs of respect.
Stonewalling sometimes occurs due to emotional flooding–a physical and psychological response to emotional stress. To effectively handle emotional flooding, take a break, then return to the discussion once your emotions have stabilized.
Defensiveness is one of the most common, if not the most common, communication difficulty. When someone is defensive, they are more likely to interpret others’ comments and actions as threats and respond with resistance, anger, or aggression. This type of response can escalate conflicts, create barriers to effective communication, and damage relationships. Additionally, being defensive often leads to a lack of self-awareness and a failure to see one’s own role in conflicts. This can prevent individuals from learning and growing and can result in repeated patterns of negative behavior. Replace defensiveness by discussing one topic at a time, not responding to personal attacks, and listening with open-mindedness and assumptions of good intention.
“Negative sentiment override” occurs when one or both partners assume the worst of the other person (negative intentions, etc.). This is another problem to avoid whenever possible, as it causes defensiveness.
There are three types of communication styles: conflict-avoiding, validating, and volatile. Conflict-avoiders argue infrequently and opt to agree to disagree while focusing on the positive aspects of a situation. Validators prioritize compromise and approach conflicts calmly and objectively. They are known for their kindness but may lack honesty and independence. Volatile couples are prone to frequent and passionate arguments, but also enjoy making up in similar fashion. They are candid and honest, but prone to being easily upset.
When both partners the same style, any style can be healthy.
Gottman believes that one of the most effective ways to improve marriages is to simply increase positive affect and decrease negative affect in both verbal and nonverbal ways. Even small gestures like looking up from your phone, smiling and physically turning toward your partner can make a significant difference.
For a relationship to be healthy, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should be at least 5:1. If negative interactions outweigh positive ones, the relationship is likely in trouble.
The failure to acknowledge repair attempts is the central predictor of divorce. As much as possible, turn toward your partner instead of turning away.
Recognize that some issues may be unsolvable at present, as 69% of conflicts often go unresolved.
Focus on creating a sense of understanding and connection by showing interest in each other’s lives and sharing personal dreams, with a commitment to supporting one another.
Establish a shared sense of meaning and purpose.
Whenever possible, de-escalate arguments through agreement and validation.
Practice good listening skills by doing the “speaker-listener exercise.” This involves one person (the speaker) expressing their thoughts and feelings about a specific issue, while the other person (the listener) focuses on understanding and validating the speaker’s perspective. The listener summarizes and reflects back what they have heard, avoiding interruptions and making the speaker feel heard and understood. The exercise is repeated with the roles reversed, allowing both partners to have a turn at speaking and listening. The goal of the exercise is to build trust, increase understanding, and reduce conflict.
Acknowledge the goal of the conversation: is it to be heard, or is it to solve a problem? Don’t rush to problem solve for or with your partner unless they ask you to.
Gottman Book Selections
Gottman’s most well-known books include:
“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”: This book provides a framework for building a strong and healthy marriage, based on Gottman’s research on what makes relationships successful.
“Why Marriages Succeed or Fail”: This book provides a scientific analysis of what makes marriages work and what causes them to fail.
“And Baby Makes Three”: This book provides advice on how to maintain a strong relationship after having a baby and how to navigate the challenges of parenthood as a couple.
“The Mathematics of Marriage”: This book offers a data-driven approach to improving relationships, and provides practical tools and techniques for building a stronger and more fulfilling partnership.
About the Author
John Gottman is a renowned American psychologist and relationship expert. He is a professor emeritus in psychology at the University of Washington and the co-founder of The Gottman Institute, which provides workshops and resources for couples and mental health professionals. Gottman is the author of numerous books on relationships and his research has been featured in many media outlets.
Mollie:
Tell me about your experience with minimalism.
Bernadette Joy: I’ve been in the process of decluttering and reorganizing my home as part of my journey to become debt-free. My husband and I paid off $300,000 of debt, including debt from student loans and two mortgages, in three years. Adopting a minimalist mindset was a big part of our change.
At first, I decided to
declutter just to find things to sell in order to help pay off our
debt. I sold a lot of unneeded housewares, clothing, furniture, etc.
At the first garage sale we made over $400 in four hours and that
encouraged me to want to get rid of more stuff because we weren’t
using any of it and it felt like free money!
Mollie: Tell me more about
your debt repayment experience. How did you manage this feat? What
did you give up?
Bernadette Joy: We started in
January 2016 with about $70,000 in student loans and the rest in
mortgages. It started because I felt overwhelmed with how much debt
we accumulated in less than a two years because essentially, I cared
more about what other people thought about us than about our own
well-being. People will like me more if they think I’m smart and have
a nice house, right? I started learning everything I could about
money and debt through podcasts and YouTube. My husband and I started
implementing everything I learned like budgeting and making extra
money through side hustles. The biggest things we had to give up were
time (we worked a lot during that time period), investing for the
first 7 months (we stopped while we paid off the student loans and
then resumed at 15% of our total income, more than what we were
investing before) and large expenses like travel. All of this was
temporary and since we’ve become debt free we’ve resumed all the
conveniences and fun including going to see my favorite K-Pop band
live in concert, buying a car in cash and going to Italy!
Mollie: What are your most
prized beliefs regarding the minimalist lifestyle—the ideas you
most wantto spread?
Bernadette Joy: Minimalism is
not just about stuff. It’s about minimizing anything that causes you
stress, including stress at work, stress in relationships and stress
in your mind. I’ve worked on automating or outsourcing a lot of
things that used to cause me stress (for example, I now have a
regular cleaning service that helps me keep tidy instead of agonizing
over not doing it myself). I also believe that you don’t have to
adopt a poor or no-fun lifestyle that I think people confuse with
minimalism. I minimize material things like clothing and unnecessary
house stuff to make room and finances available for things like going
to concerts and on vacations.
Mollie: Can you share a few specific tips for
organizing and simplifying?
Bernadette Joy: Find things you aren’t using and
sell them! Garage sales worked great for me in the area I’m in, but I
also sold a lot of housewares on Facebook. It’s a great way to
encourage you if you’re like me and feel guilty about what you spent;
at least you make some money back and use the money towards something
you really want.
Work on one room at a time only. Don’t move onto
the next room until you complete the previous. Start where you spend
the most of your time because you will get the most benefit out of
it. I started in my kitchen and in my bedroom. I immediately felt
relief getting rid of so many kitchen items that were just cluttering
up our space.
I’m a big fan of the minimalist
challenge: get rid of one thing on the
first day, two things on the second day,
etc. for a month. I have
committed to it at least once a year, sometimes multiple
times a year. I like crossing things off my list and challenges in
general and it really got me motivated to
keep it up for a month!
Donate where you can instead of
throwing stuff out. If I can’t find local
charities, I just post things for free on Facebook or Craigslist.
Everything I’ve put out, someone has picked up, so at least I know
(or hope) they are being reused!
Mollie: Any final thoughts
on minimalism?
Bernadette Joy: For me, a minimalist mindset has not deprived me of anything I wanted. In fact, it’s created more room for things I absolutely love in life and focused more on experiences than accumulating stuff. It’s also always a work-in-progress. One might come to my house and not think it’s minimalist because we own more than a few dishes or towels. But I can confidently say everything I own right now is on purpose and has a purpose, and that is peace of mind that I’m so grateful for.
Sometimes, inner strength feels like a moving target: you have it, then you don’t, then you do again. Here, stories from people who, more often than not, have it figured out, sharing their absolute best techniques and advice.
Mollie:
What was the most cluttered home you worked in like? How did the
process of organizing affect your client?
Ben: We have seen everything
from estates to apartments, but the only clutter difference is the
volume. In some cases, no room is being used for its intended
purpose:
the cars can’t go in the
garage, the home office isn’t being used for work, the dining room
isn’t hosting anyone. When you add to that situation not being able
to find what you are looking for and having to do multiple purchases,
this puts a lot of stress on relationships between family members.
The children feel they can’t have friends over and the adults don’t
entertain. This creates a feeling of being trapped.
Organizing takes time. Busy
people usually just start putting everything in the attic or
basement. After that they hide everything in bins and drawers, but
eventually those areas fill up, too. This isn’t organization. Being
organized is different from being neat or tidy.
Mollie: What circumstances
led to your passion for simple living?
Ben: Growing up as a
child of a difficult divorce, having control
became pretty important to me. People have
anxiety when they are not in control and in life there is a lot we
cannot control; however, we can control our physical space. My belief
is that nothing good comes out of chaos
and being a minimalist and having organized
systems allows me to be more productive. I see this with my own
children: when their room is a mess they simply don’t play in it, but
when the floor is clear they actually
build things, use their toys and imagination.
Also, as a child I always liked
jigsaw puzzles. There’s something about putting
a giant mess together into something complete that calms
the mind.
When I was young the desire for
stuff seemed pretty cool but getting married and having children
focuses you on experiences. A kid is excited by the new toy but she
is also just as excited by the box it came in, and after a few hours
it just goes on the pile with the other unused toys. The older you
get you realize that happiness comes from within, that buying
stuff doesn’t solve your problems or actually make you happy. Having
experiences with friends and family leads to great memories and at
the end of the day, all we have are our memories.
Mollie: What are the common
mistakes your clients make when it comes to managing their home
environment?
Ben: For a lot of people, the
act of shopping or the thrill of getting a bargain is the real juice
and getting the thing is more important than the actual thing. Also,
in our clients’ homes we see items unused
and crammed into closets and after reviewing we discover they are
gifts the receiver didn’t want, doesn’t
like and doesn’t know what to do with.
Most people give gifts to make
themselves, not the person getting it, feel better. If someone took
the time to give something wanted it would be experiences or
consumables; a night of free babysitting
is worth more than two hundreditems
from the Christmas Tree Shops or the Dollar Store.
Mollie: Any additionaltips for simplifying thehome?
Ben: If you’re a parent,
you are the gatekeeper. When your kids are
a certain age, they may get up to thirty or forty gifts
for their birthdays and holidays. You know how your children play and
what they like and steering people to give
swimming lessons or tickets to the movies will save everyone in the
end.
Another suggestions to cutting
down on accumulating because of retail therapy is to pay cash for it.
If you really want it, take the time to get cash out. You can also
print the page out from Ebay or Amazon and wait a week. If you really
still want it, then get it. My economics professor used to
say, “More is preferred to less,” but the stress of clutter hurts
relationships and your free time and
creates anxiety.
Mollie: One final thought?
Ben: Good things aren’t cheap and cheap things aren’t good. Well-made items that you can depend on are more important than quantity.
Obviously, math knowledge is more than just knowledge. The trick to this subject is in the application. Since this isn’t a how-to book, but a terminology-based review, further math study will be important. Use this list like a checklist, noting what you’ve already learned in school and elsewhere. Any areas that were skipped can be learned on your own, either by using a user-friendly book like Everything You Need to Ace Math in One Big Fat Notebook by Workman Publishing or by taking advantage of the wonders of YouTube.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS: ARITHMETIC AND MEASUREMENT
How to add and subtract large numbers without using a calculator or writing instruments: Break the numbers into ones, tens and hundreds. For example, 72 + 83 becomes 70 + 80, then 2 + 3, then 150 + 5.
How to round numbers up or down: The two main rules that apply when rounding numbers to the nearest ones, fives, tens, hundreds, etc. are: 1. Round the number up if it is past the halfway point and down if it is less than the halfway point; and 2. Round numbers that are at the halfway point up, not down. For example, 56 rounded to the nearest multiple of 10 is 60, and 55 is also 60.
Adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing
Memorizing the times tables up to 12
Recognizing common shapes
Solving basic story problems
Using a calculator
Using a ruler and drawing compass
Calculating map distances
Deciphering information on line graphs, bar graphs, circle graphs, tables and Venn diagrams
Adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing fractions, decimals and positive and negative numbers
ESSENTIAL SKILLS: ALGEBRA
Using algebraic symbols
Solving for variables
Solving and graphing inequalities
Calculating ratios, rates, percentages and proportions (as when finding taxes, discounts, markups, gratuities, commissions, simple interest, the percent rate of change, exponential growth and more)
Finding prime numbers and square roots
Solving quadratic equations
Working with radicals
Comparing functions
ESSENTIAL SKILLS: GEOMETRY
Formula for calculating the area of squares and rectangles: Multiply height by width: hxw. Note that some areas can be divided into multiple squares and rectangles and the results can be added together to find the total area.
Formula for calculating square footage: Use the same formula as for finding the area of a square, using feet as the measurement: hxw
Formula for calculating the area of a triangle: Multiple the height by the width, then divide by two: (h x w)/2
Formula for calculating diameter: Multiply the radius by two: d = 2r
Formula for calculating perimeter: Add length and width, then multiply this by two: 2(l + w)
Formula for calculating the volume of a cube or rectangle-based shape: Multiply width, length and height: l x w x h
Formula for calculating the volume of a sphere: Cube the radius, then use this formula: 4/3 × π × R3
Formula for calculating the volume of a prism or cylinder: Find the area of the end shape, then multiply by its depth
Formula for calculating the volume of a cone or pyramid: Calculate the volume of the base as if the base were a square, then divide by 3.
Calculating scale
Measuring angles
Calculating arc length
Graphing lines and slopes
Working with coordinate planes
Proving simple geometric theorems
Making geometric constructions based on a given set of numbers
Kelly Rupiper is Content Director at Upparent, a recommendation-sharing website for parents. She is also the mother of two elementary school-aged kids. See Upparent.com.Here is the interview we did for my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly reorganized and decluttered your home?
What led to the decision and what did you change?
Kelly:
Parenthood brings with it a lot of stuff. When my kids were a newborn
and a toddler, we moved from a small condo into a larger home and it
felt like the floodgates for accumulating toys, clothes, and gear
were opened. It was easy to add more and more stuff now that we had
the room, and though I don’t think we had gone overboard by common
standards, eventually I started feeling like we
were spending too much time putting away toys, sorting through piles
of clothes, and generally cleaning up. The
effort that we were putting into taking care of all of these things
was more than the happiness we were getting out of having them. This
was around the time that people started talking more about a
minimalist lifestyle, and the idea of letting go of the clutter
seemed freeing to me. I spent the better part of a year combing
through our home and putting together donations, selling items on
Facebook, and handing things down to family members. A few years
later we embarked on a cross-country move, and this was a great
opportunity to think critically about what really needed to come with
us and pare down some more.
Mollie:
What are your most prized beliefs regarding minimalist lifestyle—the
ideas you most want to spread?
Kelly:
A minimalist lifestyle isn’t just
about owning as little as possible or going without. It’s about
limiting yourself to the things that are important, special, and
useful to you, and getting to enjoy these things every day because
you’re not weighed down by needing to weed through and maintain all
of the fluff.
It’s
also not just about physical belongings.
Think about taking a more minimal approach to the way you schedule
your family’s time and attention, too.
Take a hard look at all of the after-school activities and
obligations on your calendar, and think about how it would feel to
spend less time driving around and more time at home as a family.
Mollie:
Tell me more about the benefits of minimizing one’s schedule.
Kelly:
Aside from keeping more money in the bank and enjoying more family
time together, I have found that minimizing the number of activities
that kids have on their plates helps to keep them from getting burned
out. My kids tend to get overwhelmed when the schedule gets to the
point where we’re running from one activity to the next, and
lessening their load means they can actually look forward to the
things they’ve signed up for.
Mollie:
Why do you think people have a hard time being at home with no
planned activity?
Kelly:
There’s an instinct to feel like we have to entertain our kids, and
the choruses of “I’m bored!” don’t help. But when kids
aren’t overwhelmed by a playroom stuffed with endless choices and
instead have a small collection of toys that inspire open-ended play,
it’s pretty amazing to see how well they can entertain themselves and
each other without parental intervention.
Mollie:
How can people learn to embrace unplanned family time?
Kelly:
Simple, low-key family traditions
can be a great way to give some structure to your family time without
introducing outside obligations.
My family does a weekly Friday night family movie night and we rotate
the person who gets to pick what we watch. The kids look forward to
it all week. We are also reading the Harry Potter series together,
and we sit down to read a chapter most evenings after the kids are
showered and ready for bed. Introducing fun (and often free!)
activities like these gives the family something easy to do together
that they look forward to and creates memories that you’ll be able to
enjoy for years.
Mollie:
Can you share a few specific tips for simplifying a home?
Kelly:
Do what you can to keep excess
things from coming into your house in the first place. Getting your
family on board with this will make it much easier. It’s hard to deny
well-meaning relatives who love to buy gifts for your kids, so give
them ideas that mesh well with minimalism: a museum membership, a
kids cooking class, or one larger-ticket holiday gift (like a
basketball hoop or a streaming service membership) for the whole
family to enjoy together. My kids will often choose a special family
experience like an amusement park trip or theater tickets instead of
a large birthday party with friends and gifts.
Mollie:
Any final thoughts?
Kelly: Minimalism isn’t just about clearing out your house. It’s about changing your mindset, so you’re better-equipped to maintain your new way of life moving forward. Once you discover and embrace how freeing it is to be living without the clutter in your house and on your calendar, it’s easier to be able to say “no” to the pressure we all feel to take on more.
Make no mistake: Self-help reading isn’t just self-help books. Nonfiction of all kinds contributes to a person’s physical, intellectual, emotional, financial, spiritual, and relational well-being. For this reason, I’ve made use of my obsession with all kinds of nonfiction (and love of note-taking) to compile a comprehensive-as-possible recommended reading list for people looking to achieve their own feats of great strength. This list includes books on business, finance, psychology, sociology, history, spirituality and more. For each book listed, I provide a brief content summary, then offer practical takeaways from a self-help lens.
Does your next feat of great strength require research–more than you have time to do? Subscribe to the right for a comprehensive self-improvement self-education, featuring summaries and tips from over 400 works of psychology, sociology, biography, history, anthropology, spirituality, science, memoir, economics, self-help and more.
Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work, Chip Heath and Dan Heath
Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, Chip and Dan Heath
Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin Seligman
Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Martin Seligman
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, Martin Seligman
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown
I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, Brene Brown
Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution., Brene Brown
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions, Dan Ariely
The Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home, Dan Ariely
Irrationally Yours: On Missing Socks, Pickup Lines, and Other Existential Puzzles, Dan Ariely
Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl
12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, Jordan B. Peterson
This is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More. For Young and Old Alike, Augusten Burroughs
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence, Gavin de Becker
The Noonday Demon: An Atlas Of Depression, Andrew Solomon
Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why, Laurence Gonzales
The Hilarious World of Depression, John Moe
Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression–And the Unexpected Solutions, Hari Johann
Blissology: The Art and Science of Happiness, Andy Baggott
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Joe Dispenza
Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations, Robert Firestone
Depression: How It Happens and How It’s Healed, John Medina
Depression Is Contagious: How the Most Common Mood Disorder Is Spreading Around the World and How to Stop It, Michael Yapko
Dibs: In Search of Self: Personality Development in Play Therapy, Virginia Axline
Don’t Shoot the Dog: The Art of Teaching and Training, Karen Pryor
Dressing Your Truth: Discover your Personal Beauty Profile, Carol Tuttle
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Daniel Goleman
Engineering Happiness: A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life, Manel Baucells and Rakesh Sarin
Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty, Jonathan Grayson
Happiness: Lessons from a New Science, Richard Layard
Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile, Daniel Nettle
Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener
How We Decide, Jonah Lehrer
Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resistence and Finding Joy, Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff
Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk
The Compass of Pleasure: How Our Brains Make Fatty Foods, Orgasm, Exercise, Marijuana, Generosity, Vodka, Learning, and Gambling Feel So Good, David Linden
The Consuming Instinct: What Juicy Burgers, Ferraris, Pornography and Gift Giving Reveal About Human Nature, Gad Saad
The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love or Sex, David Buss
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter–And How to Make the Most of Them Now, Meg Jay
The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work, Shawn Achor
The Happiness Equation: Want Nothing + Do Anything = Have Everything, Neil Pasricha
The Hidden Brain: How Our Unconscious Minds Elect Presidents, Control Markets, Wage Wars, and Save Our Lives, Shankar Vedantarn
The How of the Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want, Sonja Lyubomirsky
The Inner Game of Work: Focus, Learning, Pleasure, and Mobility in the Workplace, W. Timothy Gallway
The Magic of Thinking Big, David Joseph Schwartz
The Mindful Brain: The Neurobiology of Well-Being, Daniel Siegel
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do, and How to Change, Charles Duhigg
The Power of Negative Thinking: An Unconventional Approach to Achieving Positive Results, Bob Knight and Bob Hammel
The Power of Positive Thinking: A Practical Guide to Mastering the Problems of Everyday Living, Norman Vincent Peale
The Progress Paradox: How Life Gets Better While People Feel Worse, Gregg Easterbrook
The Science of Happiness: How Our Brains Make Us Happy-and What We Can Do to Get Happier, Stefan Klein and Stephen Lehmann
The Smart But Scattered Guide to Success: How to Use Your Brain’s Executive Skills to Keep Up, Stay Calm, and Get Organized at Work and at Home, Peg Dawson and Richard Guare
The Underachiever’s Manifesto: The Guide to Accomplishing Little and Feeling Great, Ray Bennett
Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill
Tinker Dabble Doodle Try Unlock the Power of the Unfocused Mind, Srinivasan S. Pillay
Unchain Your Brain: 10 Steps to Breaking the Addictions That Steal Your Life, Daniel Amen and David Smith
What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, David DiSalvo
Why We Feel: The Science of Human Emotion, Victor Johnston
You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You’re Deluding Yourself, David McRaney
You Need Help!: A Step-by-Step Plan to Convince a Loved One to Get Counseling, Mark Komrad and Rosalynn Carter
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed, Lori Gottlieb Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life, Christie Tate
No Contest: The Case Against Competition, Alfie Kohn
The Homework Myth: Why Our Kids Get Too Much of a Bad Thing, Alfie Kohn
Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes, Alfie Kohn
In Their Own Way: Discovering and Encouraging Your Child’s Multiple Intelligences, Thomas Armstrong
Seven Kinds of Smart: Identifying and Developing Your Multiple Intelligences, Thomas Armstrong
Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Our Children Really Learn–And Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek
Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences, Howard Gardner
Free-Range Learning: How Homeschooling Changes Everything, Laura Grace Weldon
Talent Is Overrated: What Really Separates World-class Performers From Everybody Else, Geoffrey Colvin
The Mismeasure of Man, Stephen Jay Gould
The Well-Educated Mind: A Guide to the Classical Education You Never Had, Susan Wise Bauer
The Well-trained Mind: A Guide to a Classical Education at Home, Susan Wise Bauer
What Your Kindergartener Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Kindergarten Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your First Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good First-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Second Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Second-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Third Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Third-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Fourth Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Fourth-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Fifth Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Fifth-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Sixth Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Sixth-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child, Katie Allison Granju and Betsy Kennedy
Between Parents and Child, Haim G. Ginott
Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five, John Medina
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen: From Toddlers to Teenagers; Connecting with Your Children at Every Age, H. Norman Wright
If I Have to Tell You One More Time …: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling, Amy McCready
Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder, Richard Louv
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, Adele Faber andd Elaine Mazlish
Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right, Jamie Glowacki
Parenting with Dignity: Getting Beyond Crisis Management–A Five-Point Plan for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids, Mac Bledsoe
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster Cline and Jim Fay
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, John Gottman and Joan DeClaire
The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby From Birth to Age Two, Barry Sears
The Case for Make-Believe: Saving Play in a Commercialized World, Susan Linn
The Trouble with Perfect: How Parents Can Avoid the Overachievement Trap and Still Raise Successful Children, Elisabeth Guthrie and Kathy Matthews
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, Alfie Kohn
Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being A Great Parent Is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think, Bryan Douglas Caplan
The Child Whisperer: The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful and Cooperative Children, Carol Tuttle
Loving What Is: How Four Questions Can Change Your Life, Byron Katie
A Mind at Home with Itself: How Asking Four Questions Can Free Your Mind, Open Your Heart, and Turn Your World Around, Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell
Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book One, Neale Donald Walsch
Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book Two, Neale Donald Walsch
Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book Three, Neale Donald Walsch
Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing, Anita Moorjani
Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness, Jon Kabat-Zinn
I Need Your Love–Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead, Byron Katie
Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, Sharon Salzberg
Many Lives, Many Masters: The True Story of a Prominent Psychiatrist, His Young Patient, and the Past-Life Therapy That Changed Both Their Lives, Brian Weiss
Meditation Without Gurus: A Guide to the Heart of Practice, Clark Strand
Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life, Thich Nhat Hanh
Living Buddha, Living Christ, Thich Nhat Hanh
Stealing Jesus: How Fundamentalism Betrays Christianity, Bruce Bawer
The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery, Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz
The Quantum Doctor: A Quantum Physicist Explains the Healing Power of Integrative Medicine, Amit Goswami
The Search For Grace: A Documented Case of Murder and Reincarnation, Bruce Goldberg
The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity, William Young
Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life, Jon Kabat-Zinn
You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter, Joe Dispenza
How God Changes your Brain: Breakthrough Findings From A Leading Neuroscientist, Andrew Newberg
Life After Life: The Investigation of a Phenomenon–Survival of Bodily Death, Raymond A. Moody, Jr.
Everything You Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d, Candace Pert
Molecules of Emotion: Why You Feel the Way You Feel, Candace Pert
Science and the Near-Death Experience: How Consciousness Survives Death, Chris Carter
Visions, Trips, and Crowded Rooms, David Kessler
The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness, Pema Chodron
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Pema Chodron
Ignore Everybody and 39 Other Keys to Creativity, Hugh MacLeod
Aspects of the Novel, E.M. Forster
A Whack On the Side of the Head: How You Can Be More Creative, Roger von Oech
Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, Anne Lamott
Don’t Make Me Think!: A Common Sense Approach to Web Usability, Steve Krug
Good Prose: The Art of Nonfiction, Tracy Kidder and Richard Todd
Hey, Whipple, Squeeze This: A Guide to Creating Great Ads, Luke Sullivan
Hooked: Write Fiction That Grabs Readers at Page One and Never Lets Them Go, Leslie Edgerton How Fiction Works, James Wood
How to Be Funny: The One and Only Practical Guide for Every Occasion, Situation, and Disaster (No Kidding), Jon Macks
Manuscript Makeover: Revision Techniques No Fiction Writer Can Afford to Ignore, Elizabeth Lyon On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, Steven King
Plot and Structure: Techniques and Exercises for Crafting a Plot That Grips Readers from Start to Finish, James Scott Bell
Save the Cat!: The Last Book on Screenwriting You’ll Ever Need, Blake Snyder
Save the Cat! Goes to the Movies: The Screenwriter’s Guide to Every Story Ever Told, Blake Snyder
Sick in the Head: Conversations about Life and Comedy, Judd Apatow
Spunk and Bite: A Writer’s Guide to Punchier, More Engaging Language and Style, Arthur Plotnik
The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Lester Kaufman and Jane Straus
The Elements of Style, William Strunk, Jr. and E.B. White
The Fire in Fiction: Passion, Purpose, and Techniques to Make Your Novel Great, Donald Maass
The Non-Designer’s Design Book, Robin Williams
The Plot Whisperer: Secrets of Story Structure Any Writer Can Master, Martha Alderson
The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battle, Steven Pressfield
The Well-Fed Writer: Financial Self-Sufficiency as a Commercial Freelancer in Six Months or Less, Peter Bowerman
The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers, Christopher Vogler
Writing Irresistible Kidlit: The Ultimate Guide to Crafting Fiction for Young Adult and Middle Grade Readers, Mary Cole
Writing the Breakout Novel: Insider Advice for Taking Your Fiction to the Next Level, Donald Maas
Your Life Is A Book: How to Craft and Publish Your Memoir, Brenda Peterson and Sarah Jane Freymann
Memoir
When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi
Educated: A Memoir, Tara Westover
Go Ask Alice, Anonymous
A Stolen Life: A Memoir, Jaycee Dugard
A House in the Sky, Amanda Lindhout and Sara Corbett
Into the Wild, John Krakauer
Untamed, Glennon Doyle
Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis
The Cross and the Switchblade, David Wilkerson
A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken
A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis
Classic Nonfiction
The Holy Bible The writings of Buddha (500s–300s BCE) The Analects, Confucius (500s BCE) Tao Te Ching, Lao Tze (500s BCE) The Art of War, Sun Tzu (500s BCE) The Magna Carta (1200s) The Declaration of Independence (1700s) The Constitution of the United States (1700s) The Bill of Rights (1700s) The Interesting Narrative of the Life of Olaudah Equiano, Olaudah Equiano (1700s) Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, Thomas de Quincey (1800s) The Gettysburg Address (1800s) Narrative of Sojourner Truth, Sojourner Truth (1800s) Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe (1800s) Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, Harriet Jacobs (1800s) Walden, Henry David Thoreau (1800s) Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, An American Slave, Frederick Douglass (1800s) The Souls of Black Folks, W. E. B. DuBois (1900s) Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man, James Weldon Johnson (1900s) I Have a Dream, Martin Luther King, Jr. (1900s) The Diary of a Young Girl, Anne Frank (1900s) The Story of My Life, Helen Keller (1900s) Roots, Alex Haley (1900s) Autobiography of Malcom X, Malcom X (1900s) The Jungle, Upton Sinclair (1900s) Black Boy, Richard Wright (1900s) Native Son, Richard Wright (1900s) Black Like Me, John Howard Griffin (1900s) The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom (1900s) A Brief History of Time, Stephen Hawking (1900s) The Meaning of It All, Richard Feynman (1900s)
Advanced Classic Nonfiction
The Histories, Herodotus (400s BCE) The Republic, Plato (400s BCE) History of the Peloponnesian War, Thucydides (400s BCE) Rhetoric, Aristotle (300s BCE) Apology, Plato (300s BCE) Nichomachean Ethics, Aristotle (300s BCE) On the Nature of Things, Lucretius (60s BCE) De Republica, Cicero (50s BCE) The Early History of Rome, Livy (20s BCE) Wars of the Jews, Josephus (70s CE) Annals, Tacitus (100s CE) The Twelve Caesars, Suetonius (100s CE) Anabasis of Alexander, Arrian (100s CE) Meditations, Marcus Aurelius (100s CE) Lives of Noble Greeks and Romans, Plutarch (100s CE) Enchiridion, Epictetus (100s CE) The Confessions, Saint Augustine (300s) The City of God, St. Augustine (400s) The Consolation of Philosophy, Boethius (500s) The Quran (600s) The Ecclesiastical History, Adam Bede (700s) The Letters of Abelard and Heloise, Peter and Heolise Abelard (1100s) Summa Theologiae, Thomas Aquinas (1200s) The Imitation of Christ, Thomas a Kempis (1400s) In Praise of Folly, Erasmus (1500s) The Education of a Christian Prince, Erasmus (1500s) The Freedom of a Christian, Martin Luther (1500s) Institutes of the Christian Religion, John Calvin (1500s) History of the Reformation, John Knox (1500s) The Life of Saint Teresa of Avila, Teresa of Avila (1500s) The Interior Castle, St. Teresa of Avila (1500s) Dark Night of the Soul, St. John of the Cross (1500s) The Defense of Poesy, Sir Philip Sidney (1500s) Novum Organum, Frances Bacon (1600s) The Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes (1600s) Meditations on First Philosophy, Rene Descartes (1600s) Discourse on Method, Rene Descartes (1600s) Essay Concerning Human Understanding, John Locke (1600s) The Second Treatise of Government, John Locke (1600s) The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Samuel Pepys (1600s) Wonders of the Invisible World, Cotton Mather (1600s) An Essay on Criticism, Alexander Pope (1700s) An Essay on Man, Alexander Pope (1700s) The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Benjamin Franklin (1700s) The Rights of Man, Thomas Paine (1700s) Common Sense, Thomas Paine (1700s) On Liberty, John Stuart Mill (1800s) The Social Contract, Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1700s) The Journal of John Woolman, John Woolman (1700s) The Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith (1700s) A Critique of Pure Reason, Immanuel Kant (1700s) On American Taxation, Edmund Burke (1700s) Life of Johnson, James Boswell (1700s) The Federalist Papers, Alexander Hamilton (1700s) Memoir, Correspondence and Misc., Thomas Jefferson (1800s) The Memoirs of Victor Hugo, Victor Hugo (1800s) Democracy in America, Alexis de Tocqueville (1800s) A Child’s History of England, Charles Dickens (1800s) For Self-Examination, Soren Kierkegaard (1800s) On the Origin of the Species by Means of Natural Selection, Charles Darwin (1800s) The Education of Henry Adams, Henry Adams (1800s) Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Frederich Nietzsche (1800s) Beyond Good and Evil, Frederich Nietzsche (1800s) An Autobiography, Annie Besant (1800s) Notes on Nursing, Florence Nightingale (1800s) Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler (1900s) Civilization and Its Discontents, Sigmund Freud (1900s) The Ego and the Id, Sigmund Freud (1900s) The Interpretation of Dreams, Sigmund Freud (1900s)
Other Recommended Books
703: How I Lost More Than a Quarter Ton and Gained a Life, Nancy Makin A Backpack, a Bear, and Eight Crates of Vodka: A Memoir, Lev Golinkin A Field Guide to Happiness: What I Learned in Bhutan About Living, Loving, and Waking Up, Linda Leaming Aku-Aku: The Secret of Easter Island, Thor Heyerdahl An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, Elizabeth McCracken Angry Fat Girls/Eating Ice Cream with My Dog, Frances Kuffel A Queer and Pleasant Danger, Kate Bornstein As a Man Thinketh: Classic Wisdom for Proper Thought, Strong Character, and Right Actions, James Allen Running with Scissors: A Memoir, Augusten Burroughs Dry: A Memoir, Augusten Burroughs Lust and Wonder, Augusten Burroughs A Wolf at the Table, Augusten Burroughs Toil and Trouble: A Memoir, Augusten Burroughs Autobiography of A Face, Lucy Grealy A Way of Being, Carl Rogers A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman, Joan Anderson Basic Counseling Techniques: A Beginning Therapist’s Toolkit, Wayne Perry Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist’s Memoir, Irvin Yalom Beyond Order, Jordan B. Peterson Blue Collar Intellectuals: When the Enlightened and the Everyman Elevated America, Daniel Flynn Bossypants, Tina Fey Boy Erased, Garrard Conley Chelsea Handler Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert Cult Child, Vennie Kocsis Cult Insanity: A Memoir of Polygamy, Prophets, and Blood Atonement Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness, William Styron David Sedaris Devotion: A Memoir, Dani Shapiro Disaster Preparedness, Heather Harrilesky Dying: A Memoir, Cory Taylor Eating the Dinosaur, Chuck Klosterman Escape from Babel: Toward a Unifying Language for Psychotherapy Practice, Scott Miller, Barry Duncan and Mark Hubble Excavation: A Memoir, Wendy Ortiz Fall to Pieces: A Memoir of Drugs, Rock ‘n’ Roll, and Mental Illness, Mary Forsberg Weiland Fargo Rock City, Chuck Klosterman Favorite Wife: Escape From Polygamy, Susan Schmidt Fifty Acres and a Poodle: A Story of Love, Livestock, and Finding Myself on a Farm, Jeanne Marie Laskas Five Men Who Broke My Heart: A Memoir, Susan Shapiro Flat Broke with Two Goats: A Memoir, Jennifer McGaha Found: A Memoir, Jennifer Lauck Full: How I Learned to Satisfy My Insatiable Hunger and Feed My Soul, Kimber Simpkins Girl in a Band: A Memoir, Kim Gordon Girl in the Woods: A Memoir, Aspen Matis Girl Walks Out of A Bar: A Memoir, Lisa Smith Give Me Everything You Have, James Lesdun God Hunger, Desiree Ayres Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, Anne Lamott Growing Up Amish: A Memoir Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers, Anne Lamott Hidden Valley Road, Robert Kolker Holy Hunger: A Memoir of Desire, Margaret Bulitt-Jonas How I Gave Up My Low-Fat Diet and Lost 40 Pounds-And How You Can, Too!, Dana Carpender How Starbucks Saved My Life, Michael Gill How To Stay Married: The Adventures of a Woman Who Learnt to Travel Light in Life, Love and Relationships, Mary-Lou Stephens Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body, Roxanne Gay Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl: A Memoir, Carrie Brownstein Hyperbole and a Half, Allie Brosh In Memory of Bread: A Memoir, Paul Graham In Small Doses, Marc Pollard In Therapy: The Unfolding Story, Susie Orbach In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, Gabor Matt Into the Magic Shop, James Doyt It Was Me All Along: A Memoir, Andie Mitchell Jennifer, Gwyneth and Me, Rachel Bersche Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Run-Ins, Kathy Griffin Killing Yourself to Live, Chuck Klosterman Klostermann II, Chuck Klostermann Lab Girl, Hope Jahren Learning to Eat Along the Way: A Memoir, Margaret Bendet Let’s Take the Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendship Letters to a Young Therapist, Mary Pipher Lights On, Rats Out: A Memoir, Cree LeFavour Lit, Mary Karr Locked Up for Eating Too Much, Debbie Danowski Lost and Found, Geneen Roth Love in a Time of Homeschooling, Laura Brodie Love Warrior: A Memoir, Glennon Doyle Lucky Man: A Memoir, Michael J. Fox Madness: A Bipolar Life, Marya Hornbacher Manic, Terri Cheney Mennonite in a Little Black Dress: A Memoir of Going Home, Rhoda Janzen Mental: Lithium, Love, and Losing My Mind, Jaime Lowe MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend, Rachel Bertsche My Glory Was I Had Such Friends, Amy Silverstein My Two Moms, Zach Wahls Nightmare in Wichita: The Hunt for the BTK Strangler, Robert Beattie Obsessed, Allison Britz Official Book Club Selection, Kathy Griffin On Becoming a Better Therapist: Evidence-based Practice One Client at a Time, Barry Duncan On Becoming a Person, Carl Rogers Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year, Anne Lamott Orange Is the New Black: My Year in A Women’s Prison, Piper Kerman Ordinary Light: A Memoir, Tracy K. Smith Out of Orange: A Memoir, Cleary Wolters Pajama School: Stories From the Life of a Homeschool Graduate, Natalie Wicham Passage, Connie Willis Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner and Saint Plan B, Anne Lamott Primates of Park Avenue: A Memoir, Wednesday Martin Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey Into the Afterlife, Eben Alexander Proudly Serving My Corporate Masters, Adam Bau Purge: Rehab Diaries, Nicole Johns Red, Hot and Holy: A Heretic’s Love Story Same Kind of Different as Me, Ron Hall Scratch Beginnings: Me, $25, and the Search for the American Dream, Adam Shepard Seasons of a Mother’s Heart, Sally Clarkson Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klostermann Sex, Drugs and Meditation: How One Woman Changed Her Life, Saved Her Job and Found a Husband by Mary-Lou Stephens Sex Object: A Memoir, Jessica Valenti Sin Bravely: A Memoir of Spiritual Disobedience, Maggie Rowe Spy Secrets That Can Save Your Life, Jason Hanson Stephen Fry in America: Fifty States and the Man Who Set Out to See Them All, Stephen Fry Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair, Anne Lamott Straight Pepper Diet: A Memoir, Joseph W. Naus The Art of Work: A Proven Path to Discovering What You Were Meant to Do, Jeff Goins The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee, Sarah Silverman The Boston Strangler, Gerold Frank The Chicken Chronicles, Alice Walker The Child Bride, Cathy Glass The Chronology of Water, Lidia Yuknavitch The Compound Effect: Jumpstart Your Income, Your Life, Your Success, Darren Hardy The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It, Geneen Roth The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, Wendy Shanker The Gift of Therapy, Irvin Yalom The Good Eater, Ron Saxen The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin The Janus Point, Julian Barbour The Making of a Therapist, Louis Cozolino The Man with the Candy, Jack Olsen The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance: A Memoir, Elna Baker The Night of the Grizzlies, Jack Olsen The Road to Little Dribbling: Adventures of an American in Britain, Bill Bryson The Rules Do Not Apply, Ariel Levy The Secrets of Exceptional Counselors, Jeffrey A. Kottler The Seven Good Years: A Memoir, Etgar Keret The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, Elisabeth Tova Bailey The Stranger Beside Me: Ted Bundy, Ann Rule The Two Kinds of Decay, Sarah Manguso The Wishing Year: A House, a Man, My Soul: A Memoir of Fulfilled Desire, Noelle Oxenhandler The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion The Year of No Clutter, Eve M. Schaub They Left Us Everything: A Memoir, Plum Johnson This Close to Happy: A Reckoning with Depression, Daphne Merkin Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith, Anne Lamott Triumph: Life After the Cult–A Survivor’s Lessons Two of a Kind: The Hillside Stranglers, Darcy O’Brien Vow: A Memoir of Marriage (and Other Affairs), Wendy Plum Waiting: The True Confessions of a Waitress, Debra Ginsberg What Therapists Don’t Talk About and Why, Pope, Sonne & Greene When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi Why I Left the Amish: A Memoir, Saloma Miller Furlong Wild, Cheryl Strayed Year of No Sugar: A Memoir, Eve O. Schaub You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me: A Memoir, Sherman Alexie Ghost Train to the Eastern Star, Paul Theroux I Pledge Allegiance…: The True Story of the Walkers: An American Spy Family, Howard Blum Is Paris Burning?, Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre Jay J. Armes, Investigator, Jay J. Armes and Fredrick Nolan Riding the Iron Rooster, Paul Theroux The Bridge at Chappaquiddick, Jack Olsen The Devil’s Triangle, Richard Winer The War Magician, David Fisher Treblinka, Jean-Francois Steiner Twelve Great Philosophers, Wayne Pomerleau The Year of Living Dangerously: Adventures in Homeschooling, Quinn Cummings The Unschooling Handbook, Mary Griffith Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling, John Holt Un-Jobbing: The Adult Liberation Handbook, Michael Fogler Unschooling Rules, Clark Aldrich Getting Things Done: The ABCs of Time Management, Edwin Bliss The Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence The Top Ten Things Dead People Want to Tell YOU, Mike Dooley Triumph Over Disease By Fasting and Natural Diet, Dr. Jack Goldstein The Fit for Life Solution, Harvey Diamond The Great Cholesterol Con, Dr. Malcolm Kendrick Quick Fasting, Nathaniel Hawthorne Bronner, Jr. Mastering Leptin, Byron J. Richards Fit for Life; Not Fat for Life, Harvey Diamond Natural Hygiene, Herbert Shelton The End of Overeating, David A. Kessler The Fasting Cure, Upton Sinclair Why Weight?, Geneen Roth The Philosophy of Fasting; A Message for Sufferers and Sinners, Edward Earle Purinton Autobiography of A Yogi, Paramahansa Yogananda
In case you haven’t noticed, I have a thing for lists. I’ve kept a written record of every significant book I’ve read since high school. I also list my own and my kids’ other achievements and experiences, including places we travel, awards we win and the like. What better way to round out this checklist of facts, skills and resources, then, than providing a place for you to do the same (or to at least get started)? (Don’t forget to include the dates!)
Enjoy all the books. Enjoy all the adventures. Thank you for going on this educational exploration with me.
Books I’ve Read: Children’s and Middle Grade
Books I’ve Read: Young Adult and Adult Fiction
Books I’ve Read: Young Adult and Adult Nonfiction
Poems I’ve Read
Significant Films, Shows and Other Media Presentations I’ve Seen
Places I’ve Traveled
Clubs, Teams and Special Classes I’ve Participated In
Other Notable Achievements and Experiences I’ve Had
Tara Skubella teaches tantra and conducts tantra ceremonies. See nakedearthtantra.com.
Mollie:
Tell
me about your minimalist lifestyle.
Tara: My partner and I are minimalists who live in
a tiny home (a converted fifth-wheel)
nearly off-grid on the side of a mountain. We’ve been here for
three
years and love it. We’ve condensed so much of our lives to make
this our truth. Not only are we tiny house minimalists, but we don’t
have running potable water and heat with wood.
Mollie: What was your decluttering and
simplifying process like?
Tara: My first decluttering process
happened while I was living in a 1400 square
foot house. I donated, gifted or threw away 365 things in my home
that I no longer needed. These items ranged from old cleaning
products and makeup to pairs of earrings to clothing to a piece of
furniture to kitchen supplies and books. It’s amazing how fast you
can rid of items no longer used.
This became a ritual I continue to do about every
other year, even while living in a tiny home. Most of the items I
release these days are small things like pens or pencils, makeup,
notebooks, accessories, old food and clothing items. It feels good to
have a fresh start every now and then.
Releasing
365 things clears the mind and gives us one less object to worry or
think about each day for
a year.
Mollie: What are your most prized beliefs
regarding minimalist lifestyle? What ideas you want to spread?
Tara: Living a minimalist, off-grid, tiny-home
life is extremely important to me. I enjoy being immersed in
Mother
Nature. I depend on snow for water to do my dishes and to boil water
for tea. I depend on dead standing wood to heat our tiny home during
the harsh 9,000-foot winter
months. Living with Mother
Earth
instead of carving space into her creates a wealth of gratitude each
day. Even living the primitive way I do is still very abundant, as
I’ve experienced harsh survival situations in the past. Coming home
to a cozy, safe space warms my heart.
I also believe living with less helps me with my
ADHD. Since my mind is cluttered most of the time, living in a space
with less to clean and to worry about simplifies my life even more.
Living with less is also a mindful life choice and practice.
Consciously choosing what we can live without opens the spirit to
reconnect with intuitive choices about what we truly need in order to
survive. Otherwise,
instead of being more mindful of tasks we look
for an easy way out. Thinking this way sometimes isn’t a big deal;
however, the more we develop an attachment to objects for meeting our
needs, the more we look for answers outside instead of within.
Mollie: Can you share a few very specific tips
for cleaning, organizing and simplifying a home?
Tara:
Yes. First, if you haven’t used something in a
little over a year, you really don’t need it so get rid of it.
Second, if you bring a non-perishable item into the house, release something else as an exchange. For example, if you buy a new pair of socks, donate or gift a pair that has never really fit right. If you receive a fancy new air-vacuumed mug for your birthday, donate the plastic one that doesn’t keep coffee warm as long as your new one.
Also, remember that linens and towels can add up quickly. We only need one to two sets of sheets per bed and one to two bath towels per person. Depending on the family size, three or four kitchen towels is plenty. People often accumulate too many linens because we don’t like to do the laundry. This accumulation also happens with clothing. The more we are able to be mindful with laundry, the less we actually need on hand.
My final tip is to rent a storage unit. Seriously. If you are uncertain about releasing a number of items, rent a storage unit and place those items in it, then see how often you return to use them. For the items you truly need, you’ll be willing to drive to the unit, use it and drive it back. If items stay unused for several months or they aren’t worth the rental fee, then you’ll learn that those unused items aren’t worth the money and effort to keep around.
Haley Gallerani runs The Vegan Abroad, a
website about traveling sustainably and as a vegan. Visit it at
theveganabroadblog.com.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly minimized your possessions? What led to
the decision and what did you change?
Haley:
I would say that I officially became a minimalist in 2018 when I
moved to Chiang Mai, Thailand. I brought two suitcases with me and
two suitcases back. I knew that I wouldn’t be living in Thailand
forever so I didn’t want to purchase too many things while I was
there. I did have to purchase a few things for my apartment, but it
came furnished so my purchases were minimal.
The
biggest way that I minimized my possessions was with my clothing. I
used to own so many clothing pieces that I hardly ever wore. I now
rotate among
around ten different outfits. My biggest tip for simplifying your
wardrobe is to only purchase neutral
colors. This will allow you to mix and
match more than if you own clothing with different colors and
patterns.
Mollie:
What is your life like now? How often do you travel and for how long?
Do you still take only two suitcases?
Haley:
I have been in the United States for the past few months, but I will
be moving to Europe in January 2020. I am a big believer in slow
travel. That means that I spend a long time in one location before
moving onto the next. Europe is a bit more complicated than Thailand
because of visa issues. I will start in Italy where I will stay for
three months: one month in Rome, one month in Florence, and one month
in Sicily. Then I will be going to Croatia for three months before
finally settling in the Czech Republic where I will get a visa.
I am planning on only bringing one suitcase and a
backpack with me to Europe because I will be moving around so much. I
know that this is going to be even more challenging since Europe has
four different seasons that I need to pack clothes for whereas it was
almost always summer temperatures in Thailand. I am excited about the
challenge, though, and I think that I will grow even more minimalist.
Mollie:
What are your most prized beliefs regarding minimalist lifestyle—the
ideas you most want to spread?
Haley:
My most prized belief regarding a minimalist lifestyle is that there
isn’t a one-size-fits-all for minimalism. I think that you have to
find what brings you joy in life and focus on that. Clothing doesn’t
bring me joy, so that is a very easy area for me to be a minimalist
in. I do love cooking, though, so someone could look at my kitchen
and think that I am not a minimalist, but then look at my closet and
think that I am. Ultimately, I think that minimalism is about
focusing on the things that matter to you, and spending less time
(and money) on the things that don’t. When you find the things that
don’t bring you joy, get rid of them.
Also,
try to find ways to simplify the things that do bring you joy. For
example, I am an avid reader. I only purchased physical books prior
to moving to Thailand. I decided to purchase a Kindle before moving
to Thailand so I could easily purchase books in English while I was
abroad. It ended up being one of the best purchases that I have ever
made because I no longer have the clutter of books anymore, and I can
fit hundreds of books on a very small device.
Mollie:
Any final thoughts?
Haley: Becoming a minimalist can be scary at first as you are getting rid of a bunch of your possessions. The thought of “What if I need this in the future?” may show up. My advice would be to keep the item that you are questioning for six months to a year depending on what the item is. If you haven’t used it in that time then you should probably get rid of it.
Pablo and Beverly Solomon have been minimalist designers for over forty years. Their work has been featured in over forty books as well as numerous magazines and newspapers; on TV and film; and on the radio. You can see examples of their fashion and home designs at PabloSolomon.com and BeverlySolomon.com.
Mollie:
What is the essence of your minimalist design philosophy?
Pablo:
You have so often heard it said that the core of minimalism is the
concept of “less is more”. We would modify that a bit and
say that putting quality over quantity is also minimalism.
Minimalism is also the recognition that simplifying your life and
achieving a harmonious balance between things and experiences,
between your comfort and respecting nature, between activity and
rest, etc. are also goals. Minimalism strives to be a physical
representation of a serene, uncluttered mind that lives in harmony
with nature.
Mollie:
That’s an interesting idea. What does minimalism have in common
with living in harmony with nature?
Pablo:
Beverly is part Native American.
One of her core beliefs that we try to follow is that we are just
passing through this life and should leave the smallest negative
marks behind—that we respect nature by using only what we need and
protecting the rest. Minimalism design not only tries to blend the
architecture into the setting, but to do the least amount of damage
in the process. The concept of your home blending into the setting is
representative of your being part of nature, not at odds with nature.
Mollie:
Can you share a few specific tips for living a successful minimalist
lifestyle?
Pablo:
It really begins with choosing to live in harmony with nature and to
create a setting for yourself that puts you at peace. Keep the things
that you cherish, that bring you happy memories, that make your life
more pleasant. Eliminate those elements that just fill space for the
sake of filling space. Learn to embrace the concept that voids can
give meaning and emphasis to chosen elements. And it is okay to
be as minimal or non-minimal as makes you comfortable.
Mollie:
How do voids help give meaning? Can you give me an example of how you
would use a void in an interior or exterior home design?
Pablo:
The most
simple example would be a wall. Having one valued painting is
emphasized by the blank space around it. Were the wall to have as
many paintings as you can cram on that wall, no one painting would
have much impact.
Mollie:
Any other thoughts?
Pablo: Like so many truths in life, the journey is often more important than the destination. Just considering the mindset of minimalism and taking the first steps in simplifying your life and calming your mind are worth it. Just let go of one thing today. Tomorrow is another day.
Amanda
Clark is the owner or Ever So Organized®️, a full-service home
organizing company based out of Orange County, California. They
specialize in decluttering and creating beautiful, functional and
organized systems for homeowners. See eversoorganized.com
for more information.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly reorganized and decluttered your home?
What led to the decision and what did you change?
Amanda:
A few years ago I moved into a new home, more than doubling the
square footage of the previous home. I did not declutter before the
move because I was pregnant with my third baby and fairly immobile. A
month into the move my third baby was born and I decluttered my
entire house during my maternity leave. I no longer wanted to
organize and re-organized the amount of stuff I knew I didn’t even
need. I wanted to enjoy the expanded space without adding more stuff
in it.
Mollie:
So now you actually have a large home that is spacious, too? What is
that like?
Amanda:
With more space in my home comes more space in my head; a weight has
been lifted. I’m extremely proud of my house and it has been
featured in a local publication. That never would’ve happened if it
was filled with stuff.
Mollie:
Can you share your process for decluttering?
Amanda:
Look at one area at a time. For example, a pantry,
closet, or even a drawer.
Step
one: Remove everything from the space. That means everything!
Step
two: Wipe down and clean the surfaces while they are empty.
Step
three: Sort like items together. You may be surprised at how many
black socks, tubes of toothpaste (you can never find) or cans of
beans you own.
Step
four: Declutter. Be ruthless. Do you love it? Does it improve your
life? Can you purchase it in twenty minutes for under $20 if you need
it later?
Step
five: You are now allowed to shop for those pretty containers only
after you know what you have left. Can risers, plastic dividers for
drawers and matching slim velvet hangers really can make a big
difference organizing your space. Go wild on Pinterest for ideas or
check out my Instagram @eversoorganized.
Step
six: Use containers to separate items and label everything.
And
finally: Respect
the space as a defined perimeter for how much you can keep. Don’t
cram more stuff in the space later on. Use the one-in, one-out rule
to keep it under control.
Mollie:
Any more tips?
Amanda:
Yes!
Turn all of your hangers backward in your closet.
As you wear something replace the hanger with the cleaned item as
you normally would. At the end of the season you can clearly see
which clothes you have worn and which you haven’t. Consider
decluttering those never-worn items.
Have a pretty bin, basket or container in a handy
area. Put your mail, to-do items and even broken items you’ve been
meaning to fix inside the container. Set aside time every single
week to work on those actionable items. If you are consistent, very
few things will fall through the cracks.
File fold your clothes in your drawers.
This will change your life.
Mollie:
What is file folding?
Amanda:
File folding is a simple way of folding your clothes in a square or
rectangle shape and then placing them in the drawer on their
sides instead of flat. It
looks similar to folders in a file cabinet. No more forgetting about
what’s on the bottom of your pile: now there is no bottom.
Mollie:
Any final thoughts?
Amanda: Less stuff truly means more time, more money and more freedom: less time maintaining the stuff, more money in the bank account because you are buying less and more freedom from consumerism.
When it comes to algebra and geometry, most schools emphasize skills practice while spending almost no time helping students understand the ideas they are putting to use. Studying the definitions of commonly used higher-level math terms might help further your grasp of these subjects and allow you to converse about them more easily. Fluency in these ideas might also ease transitions between math teachers and curriculum and shorten your review time before exams.
Note that calculus and trigonometry terms are not included in this book, as these ideas require the kind of in-depth explanations that aren’t practical in this format. Also, this treatment of algebra and geometry focuses on the ideas and processes that are most useful for a general audience.
ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE: ALGEBRA
Algebra: An extension of arithmetic in which unknown numbers can be represented by letters
Variable: Any letter that stands for a number
Expression: Any string of numbers and symbols that makes sense when placed on one side of an equation; for example 5x + 4x
Term: Any part of an expression that is separated from the other parts by either a plus sign or a minus sign; for example, 3x and 5x in the expression 3x – 5x
Coefficient: The numerical part of a term; for example, the term 3x has a coefficient of 3
Constant: A number without a variable; for example, the number 2 in 6m + 2 = x
Like terms: Terms whose variables (with any exponents) are the same; for examples, 3x and 5x
Order of operations: The correct sequence of operations to use when solving an expression with multiple operations. Mathematical symbols are often used to indicate this sequence; for example, in (3x + 5x)/2, 3x and 5x are to be added before that number is divided by 2.
Theorem: A mathematical proposition that has been proven true, such as the Pythagorean Theorum
Rational number: A number that can be made by dividing two integers
Irrational number: A real number that cannot be made by dividing two integers
The Commutative Rule of Addition: The rule that states that when two terms are added, the order of addition does not matter
Commutative Rule of Multiplication: The rule that states that when two terms are multiplied, the order of multiplication does not matter
Associative Rule of Addition: The rule that states that when three or more terms are added, the order of addition does not matter
Distributive Rule of Multiplication: The rule that states that when a number is multiplied to an addition of two numbers, it results in the output which is same as the sum of their products with the number individually. The equation for the for this is: a × (b + c) = (a × b) + (a × c). For example, x2 × (2x + 1) = (x2 × 2x) + (x2× 1).
The inverse property of addition: The rule that states that for every number a, a + (-a) = 0 (zero)
The inverse property of multiplication: The rule that states that for every non-zero number a, a x (1/a) = 1
Prime number: A positive number that has exactly two factors, 1 and itself
Square root: The number that, multiplied by itself once, equals the number of which it is a root. For example, the square root of 16 is 4 because 4 x = 16.
Root: The number that, multiplied by itself one or more times, equals the number of which it is a root. For example, the number 2 is a cube root of 8 because 2 x 2 x 2 = 8.
Radical: The symbol √ that is used to indicate the square root or nth root of a number
Exponent: A number that indicates how many times to multiply its associated number. An exponent is written in a smaller font at the top right-hand corner of its associated number.
Exponential growth: The rapid numerical growth that occurs when numbers are multiplied, then multiplied again, with each iteration folding in the previous total and multiplying it by x number
Linear equation: An equation in which the highest power of the variable is always one and which describes a straight line on a graph. The standard form with one variable is: Ax + B = 0.
Linear model: A model that assumes a linear relationship between the input variables (x) and the single output variable (y)
Quadratic equation: An equation that has a second-degree term and no higher terms
Quadratic formula: A formula that provides a solution to the quadratic equation ax2 + bx + c = 0. The quadratic formula is obtained by solving the general quadratic equation.
Polynomial: A mathematical expression with one or more algebraic terms, each of which consists of a constant multiplied by one or more variables raised to a nonnegative integral power (such as a + bx + cx2)
Monomial: A polynomial with only one term
Binomial: A polynomial with only two terms
Trinomial: A polynomial with only three terms
Degree of a polynomial: The sum of the exponents of variables that occur in that term (if there is no exponent written on a variable, such as in 3x, the exponent is one). The degree of a polynomial is the greatest degree of any term in the polynomial (for instance, for the polynomial 4x2 + 7xyz, the degree is 3 because of the last term).
Function: An expression that states a relationship between one variable (the independent variable) and another variable. These expressions can be graphed on a coordinate plane.
Nonlinear function: A function whose graph is not a line or part of a line
Simple interest: Interest that is calculated on the principal amount only
Compound interest: Interest that is calculated on both the principal amount as well as the interest accumulated over the previous period
Amortization: A method for calculating interest payments wherein a much higher proportion of the total interest is charged first, and reduced at a regular rate over the life of a loan
ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE: GEOMETRY
Plane geometry: The mathematics of flat, two-dimensional shapes like lines, circles and triangles
Solid geometry: The mathematics of three dimensional objects like cubes, prisms, cylinders and spheres
Point: A specific position on a line, on a plane, or in space. A theoretical construct, it has no dimensions, only position.
Line: A one-dimensional figure that features length but no depth or height. It is a theoretical construct.
Plane: A flat two-dimensional surface. A theoretical construct, it has no depth and its height and width are infinite or indefinite.
Solid: A three-dimensional shape
Polygon: Any two-dimensional plane shape with straight sides, such as triangles, rectangles and pentagons
Quadrilateral: A polygon with four sides
Pentagon: A polygon with five sides
Hexagon: A polygon with six sides
Heptagon: A polygon with seven sides
Octagon: A polygon with eight sides
Rhombus: A quadrilateral with parallel and equally-sized opposite sides; a diamond
Parallelogram: A quadrilateral with parallel equally-sized opposite sides
Trapezoid: A quadrilateral with two parallel and two nonparallel sides
Isosceles triangle: A triangle with two sides that are of equal length
Equilateral triangle: A triangle with equal sides and angles
Scalene triangle: A triangle with unequal sides and angles
Right triangle: A triangle with one internal 90-degree angle
Cube: A three-dimensional figure with six identical square faces
Cone: A three-dimensional triangle with a circular base and a pointed top
Cylinder: A tube-shaped object
Sphere: A ball-shaped object
Pyramid: A three-dimensional figure on which the faces are triangular and converge to a single point at the top
Prism: A three-dimensional figure with identical ends of any shape
Parallel lines: Lines that do not intersect
Perpendicular lines: Lines that intersect at a 90-degree angle
Angle: Two lines that meet to form a corner
Vertex: A corner point
Right angle: A 90-degree angle
Acute angle: An angle less than 90 degrees but greater than 0 degrees
Obtuse angle: An angle greater than 90 degrees but less than 180 degrees
Diameter: A straight line that passes through the center of a circle or sphere and ends at the circle or sphere’s outer edges
Radius: A straight line that extends from the center of a circle or sphere to the outer edge; half of a diameter
Chord: The line segment between two points on a curve
Face: A surface plane of a three-dimensional shape
Edge: The meeting place of two faces on a three-dimensional shape
Slope: The steepness and direction of a line as read from left to right
Coordinate plane: A grid with a horizontal x-axis and a vertical y-axis that meet at a center point, with the center point value being 0 and each line on the grid representing whole numbers as they increase or decrease along each axis. It is used to graph points, lines and other objects. It has four quadrants: quadrant I, with a positive x value and a positive y value; quadrant II, with a negative x value and a positive y value; quadrant III, with a negative x value and a negative y value; and quadrant IV, with a positive x value and a negative y value.
Coordinates: Two numbers (or a letter and a number) that signify a specific point on a coordinate plane
X-axis: The horizontal axis in a coordinate plane
Y-axis: The vertical axis in a coordinate plane
Congruent: Having the same shape and size, though not necessarily positioned the same way
Similar: Having the same shape, with the same angle degrees, though not necessarily the same size
Vector: A quantity that has both magnitude and direction but not position. Two examples are velocity and acceleration.
Pythagorean theorem:The rule of mathematics that states that the square of the length of the hypotenuse of a right triangle equals the sum of the squares of the lengths of the other two sides. Written as a formula, this is: a2 + b2 = c2 (for a right-angled triangle).
Proof: Statements that prove that a mathematical concept is true
Scientific notation: A way of writing very large or very small numbers in a shorter form using symbols. For example, 650,000,000 can be written as 6.5 ✕ 10^8.
Trigonometry: The branch of mathematics that applies algebra and geometry skills to circular and periodic functions. It includes the use of sine, cosine and tangent.
Calculus: The branch of mathematics that works with series and sequences; probability and statistics; and limits and derivatives
In a past installment of this serial, I shared my own worksheet for the Work, a longer version of Byron Katie’s. Recently, I decided to add another section. Over and over again, I come to the Work with only an undesirable feeling–no thought, nothing to blame. My need to excavate the feeling further before doing the Work led to my adding a new subset under Step One. I share the entire revised worksheet here.
As I noted previously, this information is not Byron Katie or Byron Katie Foundation approved.
A Complete Revised Worksheet for The Work of Byron Katie
There are three main steps to The Work of Byron Katie. First, find the thought that is causing you pain. Then question the thought as directed. Then turn the thought around–find evidence for it’s opposite and discover what it’s trying to teach you about yourself.
Step One: Find the Painful Thought
Painful thoughts are thoughts that judge a person or a situation unfavorably, causing negative emotion.
First, identify who or what you judge to be your problem.
Is your problem (apparently) an undesirable situation or event, the undesirable behavior of another person, or an undesirable, unexplained feeling? Move to the relevant section below. (Note that if the thought appears to be about yourself, it can and should be reworded to be about a situation instead. For example, “I am lazy” can be “I have a problem with laziness” and “I feel depressed” can be “I am experiencing depression frequently.”)
Thoughts Concerning a Situation or Event
1. What situation or event angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you and why?
I feel (emotion) because (situation).
2. How do you want the situation or event to change? What would you prefer instead?
I want (action/change).
3. What is it about this situation or event that you don’t ever want to experience again?
I don’t ever want to experience (emotion and/or action).
4. What does this situation or event say about you? What is the hidden meaning behind it?
This situation shows that I am (descriptor). This situation means that (hidden fear).
5. What difference would it make if you got what you wanted in this situation or event?
If I got what I wanted, I would feel (emotion). If I got what I wanted, I would experience (result).
6. What is the worst thing that could result from this situation or event?
Due to this situation, I could experience (result).
7. If your emotion about this situation or event was a small child, what would it be screaming out?
My (emotion) would be screaming out (unrestrained illogical conclusions).
Choose the thoughts from your list above that deeply resonate and do steps two and three with each.
Thoughts Concerning Another Person
1. Who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you and why?
I feel (emotion) with (person) because (reason).
2. In this situation, how do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want (person) to (action).
3. In this situation, what advice would you offer to them?
(Person) should/shouldn’t (action).
4. In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need them to think, say, feel, or do?
I need (person) to (action).
6. What is it about this person’s actions that you don’t ever want to experience again?
I don’t ever want to experience (emotion and/or action).
7. What does this person’s behavior say about you? What is the hidden meaning behind it?
This situation shows that I am (descriptor). This situation means that (hidden fear).
8. What difference would it make if the person acted the way you wanted them to?
If (person) acted as I prefer, I would feel (emotion). If (person) acted as I prefer, I would experience (result).
9. What is the worst thing that could result from this person’s behavior?
(Person) could cause (result).
10. If your emotion about this person was a small child, what would it be screaming out?
My (emotion) would be screaming out (unrestrained illogical judgments and descriptors).
Choose the thoughts from your list above that deeply resonate and do steps two and three with each.
Unexplained Feelings
1. What undesirable feeling are you experiencing?
I am experiencing (emotion).
2. What emotion would you like to feel instead?
I would like to feel (emotion).
3. Why don’t you like the feeling? What aspect of the feeling is undesirable to you?
This feeling is undesirable because (reason).
4. What difference would it make in your life if you never had this feeling again?
If I never had this feeling again, I would experience (result).
5. What is the cause of this emotion?
I feel (emotion) because (cause).
6. What life change could get rid of this emotion?
If (event), I would not feel (emotion).
7. What should you do differently in order to avoid this emotion?
I should always (behavior). I should never (behavior).
8. What do you lack inside yourself right now that might lead to this emotion?
I lack (personal or physical quality).
9. What does having this feeling say about you? What is the hidden meaning behind it?
This situation shows that I am (descriptor). This situation means that (hidden fear).
10. What is the worst thing that could result from your having this feeling?
With an ongoing experience of this emotion, (result).
11. If your emotion were a small child, what would it be screaming out right now?
My (emotion) would be screaming out (unrestrained illogical statements).
12. What are the benefits (seeming or actual) you receive when experiencing this emotion, either from others or from yourself?
When I feel (emotion), I receive the benefit of (benefit).
Choose the thoughts from your list above that deeply resonate and do steps two and three with each.
Step Two: Question the Thought
Slowly, carefully answer the following questions about your painful thought, whatever kind of thought it is.
1: Is it true?
2: Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3a: How do you react—what happens—when you believe the thought?
3b. Can you find one stress-free reason to keep the thought?
4a: Who would you be without the thought?
4b. Can you find a reason to drop the thought?
Step Three: Turn the Thought Around
Finally, find evidence for the opposite of your statement and discover what your negative beliefs can teach you about yourself.
1. Turn the thought around to the opposite. For example, “Melody is rude” becomes “Melody is not rude.”
2. Turn the thought around to yourself. For example, “I am rude.”
3. Turn the thought around to your thinking. For example, “I am rude in my thinking.”
4. If the thought is about another person, turn it around by switching the names. For example, “Melody is rude to me” becomes “I am rude to Melody.”
5. If the thought is about another person, turn it completely to the self. For example, “I am rude to myself.”
6. If the thought is about another person, turn it completely to the other person. For example, “Melody is rude to herself.”
7. If the thought is about another person’s negative quality, turn it around by finding similar qualities you see in yourself. For example, “I am selfish when I . . .” or “I am impatient when I . . .”
8. If the thought begins with “I don’t ever want to,” turn it around by replacing that phrase with both “I am willing to” and “I look forward to.”
9. For each turnaround that resonates, find three pieces of evidence for the truth of the thought. For example, “Melody is always nice to my children,” “Melody is always nice to her children,” and “Melody was nice to our waitress.”
10. Finally, ask yourself how the experience or situation might be the universe’s way of bringing about your your highest good. If you do nothing else on this worksheet, ask this question.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a bit hard to pin down. It’s a lot of things to a lot of people. The common thread is that it’s a therapeutic technique that teaches people how to identify “inaccurate negative thoughts” that can cause depression and anxiety and find “healthier ways to view the situation” (WebMD). Put simply, it’s talking yourself out of your negative beliefs. “I am stupid,” then, becomes “I didn’t study hard enough for the test,” and “No one like me” becomes “I haven’t reached out to new people and offered friendship.”
Sound familiar? Sure it does. The Work is a lot like CBT. Some might even argue that it’s a subset or an offshoot. Who can trace the history of an idea? In any case, in this, the first of several special sections for this serial, is a list of the major differences between these two great practices.
CBT Versus The Work
1. CBT is widely used by professionals and non-professionals worldwide. According to Wikipedia, CBT is “the most widely used evidence-based practice for treating mental disorders.” So there’s that.
2. CBT is well-studied and proven to be effective. It’s the therapeutic technique with the most proven results. The National Institute of Health and many other respected organizations claim that it both alleviates depression and prevents relapses, and does so as well or better than medication.
3. The Work is simpler. In spite of my musings on the complexity of Byron Katie’s process, it is as simple as it can realistically be. CBT can be simple, too; there are many, many versions of it. But Katie went to great effort to reduce the process to a teachable form.
4. The Work has the guru. And I like a guru. There’s something about a truly inspired teacher that sets a fire in you, the believer. Byron Katie is beautiful. She’s a human, but superhuman. She convinces us that deep, abiding inner peace is possible.
5. The Work is more dramatic. In doing the Work, we question everything. Anything and everything, even the reality of our own firsthand experience. This leads to some really deep, really insightful conclusions–conclusions we never see coming. An example: In CBT I might take the thought “I am depressed” and change it to “I feel some depression now, but it will pass. I am very good at finding new and creative ways of coping, and I’m very good at taking care of myself.” All good stuff. While working through Katie’s turnarounds, though, my results look much different. They cause me to examine the basic truth of the negative thought. “I am depressed” might become “I am not depressed in any essential way. My natural self is joyful and at peace. I am not suffering from a condition called depression. I am merely experiencing a temporary feeling that is the natural result of my habitual thought patterns up until this time.” Big difference. When you’re able to see that not only is your thought not true, but the exact opposite is true, something does shift inside you.
6. The Work feels more spiritual. While the Work can be done from an agnostic perspective, in practice it often brings us back to our core spiritual understandings. Many of the thoughts we want to get rid of have to do with death, loss, and animosity. When we believe, as Byron Katie does, that there is no death, and there is no loss, and all animosity is just misdirected ego . . . well, it really puts things into perspective. I’m not sure if you’d be able to completely turn around a thought about a seemingly undeniable factual experience if you didn’t believe, as Katie does, that reality is an illusion and truth is relative.
The way Byron Katie looks at things—the perspective you get from her while reading her book—is based on the idea that in the end, we’re really all okay. The stock market crashed? You lost all your money? Your wife is cheating on you right now, as we speak? Welcome it. Welcome it all. There’s even an analogy she gives about the peace people feel while plummeting to the ground with a broken parachute. And she’s right—that really does happen. Even in life-or-death circumstances, she says, the only real problem is our mind. And it’s that ultimate view of reality that in the end, none of this shit really matters that makes her often extreme positions on temporal pain tenable.
Far be it from me, though, to recommend one process over the other. I like both. I do both.
And now, I leave you to it. But first, the final special Byron Katie section of this serial: A Byron Katie Q and A. Here, I take on some of the hang-ups people experience while doing the Work and some common difficulties in understanding the process itself. Note that the questions are mine and the answers are, too.
Q. Byron Katie says that all “should” statements are inherently not true, because everything that is, should be. So why does the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet specifically instruct us to write “should” statements? Isn’t that sort of stacking the deck?
A. Technically, yes. And if you don’t actually have a “should” thought, don’t write one down. But the reality is that most of us do. And the Work isn’t only for the thoughts that are logical. It’s for any stressful thought–even the ones we already know aren’t true. Because they’re there, hiding just beneath the surface and affecting us more than we realize. By working on them, we bring them into the light.
Q. What about when someone really should do something differently? For their own good, and all that?
A. This one is easy. Byron Katie often reminds us to stay in our business and let others stay in theirs. “Do you really want God’s job?” she asks. So sure, offer advice. Give them a friendly suggestion. Just don’t get attached to the results. Spend your energy doing the Work on your thoughts about the person instead.
Q. Byron Katie says it’s best not to have any goals regarding the Work as we’re doing it–not even the goal of feeling better, finding emotional relief. What is the reason for this? And is it even possible?
A. Every single time I do the Work, I have a goal: I want to get rid of that ugly thought. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be doing the Work at all, would I? I suspect if you’re at a certain so-called “level,” spiritually speaking, you know what Byron Katie means by having no goal. I suppose you’re able to comprehend the idea of total acceptance of all outcomes, all negative thoughts, all of what comes into your experience, even suffering. I’m not quite there yet. In one video I watched, Katie says that if your Work has goals, your Work will reflect those goals and, I suppose, yield results that are less honest. I see how that could happen. I’m not sure if it happens to me or not.
Q. We’re supposed to love our negative thoughts? Why?
A. Stressful thoughts are like alarm clocks, Katie teaches. They wake us up to reality, take us out of the dream. This is an important function, and if the thought isn’t lovable for it, it can still be worthy of appreciation.
Q. Byron Katie teaches us that stressful thoughts are never the truth. But how can we know that assumption is true? As long as we’re questioning things, shouldn’t we question that?
A. I don’t claim to know how Byron Katie would answer this question. It is a hard one for sure. My best guess is that she’d say that stressful thoughts always involve a story, an interpretation. No matter what happens to you, it’s the story that causes the stress, not the situation itself. If there is no story, all we’re left with is our true nature, which is to love what is. Two quotes on this that relate:
“Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.”–I Need Your Love–Is It True?
“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, ‘Meow.’ Wanting reality to be different than it is is hopeless.”–Loving What Is
Q. The Work isn’t as simple as I thought it would be. There are a lot of tricks to it. Why is that?
A. Such an interesting question. Again, my answer is just a guess, but here’s what I think right now. The Universe is such an amazing thing–so simple and at the same time, so complex. We look at the human brain, for example, under the microscope and all we see are clumps of cells operating on simple principles of biology and physics. But what those cells do is beyond our comprehension. No one understands what makes them work.
In the same way, the Work is simple yet complex and profound.
Q. Why does Byron Katie recommend that we only do the Work on other people, not on ourselves, until we’re more experienced with the process?
A. I hate this rule. It bugs me. I don’t have a ton of judgments about other people. Mostly, I have general negativity. My stressful thoughts usually have to do with slight annoyances that are no one’s fault or stuff about myself, usually bad feelings. When working on these thoughts, I sometimes write about them in the third person. It helps.
That said, there’s a decent argument in favor of this guideline. Other people serve as mirrors into ourselves surprisingly often. Also note that TheWork.com suggests that if you want to start by working on thoughts about yourself, you can call an experienced practitioner. (There is a free service available through TheWork.com.) Also not a bad idea.
Q. What if The Work doesn’t work?
A. How do you know it didn’t? The change in your thoughts and feelings can be subtle, and can take time to make themselves obvious. Try not to get too wrapped up in your preferred outcome. Trust there was an effect, and if the thought comes back, do the Work on it again and again–as many times as it takes. Another of my favorite Katie quotes: “No one has ever been able to control his thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I don’t let go of my thoughts—I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.”
Q. Regarding the JYN worksheet and the four questions: Do you have to ask the questions in the order given?
A. No. Use your intuition. Byron Katie recommends not skipping straight to the turnarounds, especially if you’re new to the process. Elsewhere, though, she says that you could spend a long time just in question one, and at other times the Work will be almost automatic. Generally speaking, when in doubt, go through the process step by step. But don’t feel boxed in by that rule.
Q. Byron Katie sometimes suggests we make amends to those we’ve hurt–for our own good, not for them. What if the person is gone or dead?
A. There are many ways to make amends: not repeating the action; asking for forgiveness, even if they aren’t there to hear you; offering some sort of material recompense. My favorite, though, is Katie’s suggestion that we do random acts of kindness every day–and if someone finds out it was us, it doesn’t count. I love it.
Q. What if I really, truly want to change myself, to become a better person in some way, but I can’t? I try and try and just fail?
A. What you can’t do, you don’t need to do, Byron Katie says. No matter how important that thing seems to be. In one video Katie tells a man who thinks he’s not successful at his career that he should be glad that the work is getting done without his help. It’s getting done and he didn’t have to do it. Interesting.
Q. I have so, so many negative thoughts. How can I do the Work on all of them?
A. To this, Katie might say, “Do the Work on the one that comes next.” However, I’m too much of a planner for that. I like to keep a list of thoughts to do the Work on. I also like to play with them a bit till I find the one that packs the biggest emotional punch. Neither technique is wrong, and either way it’s the doing of the Work, not the specifics, that matters. The more you do it, the more automatic the process will become, until one day you realize you’ve fully downloaded the program. When stressful thoughts come, the four questions meet them immediately and without much conscious effort. When this is where you’re at, everything gets easier–even the stuff you haven’t worked on yet. It becomes habitual, ingrained.
Here, I might also suggest a non-Byron Katie-approved technique, which I’ll call the Quick Stop. As soon as a stressful thought comes, something like “I am so sick of doing the dishes,” take just a second to tell the thought to stop. Then find one reason–any one reason–the Universe is bringing you this inconvenience. Maybe the dishes are teaching you to slow down. Maybe they’re giving you an opportunity to serve your family, show appreciation, or contribute. Maybe they’re revealing to you that it’s time to do the Work on your stressful thoughts again, or teaching you a bit of patience. Maybe doing them allows you to experience anew the pleasure of a clean kitchen. Maybe the dishes give you an excuse to avoid other work or a chance to watch the birds out the window. Or maybe they simply remind you to get some more soap next time you’re at the store. Maybe you’ll have an important insight during this time, or a short mental break. Any reason your perceived inconvenience is working for you, not against you, is fine. No need to list more than one or two.
I know, I know. Being an optimist is such a pain. But it’s worth the effort, I swear.
Q. What if I don’t want to let go of a stressful thought since if I do, I will lose the motivation to act?
A. The final question, and for good reason. It’s one of the most common, and a particularly difficult one. I mean, Katie’s answer isn’t complicated. She says that we won’t lose motivation to do anything that is good for us and others that we’re meant to do. Our nature is love, she reminds us. If your child is hungry, you’ll feed her. If you need money to live on, you’ll go to work every day, and if you need a good friend, you’ll be one. So what about the other stuff, you might wonder. The stuff you don’t need to do, but should do? Katie would say, If you’re meant to do it, you will. But if you’re like me, that answer isn’t good enough.
I should play with my kids every day. I should drink more water. I should jog. I should read instead of watch TV. All these thoughts stress me out for sure. But do I really want to give them up?
Because I haven’t found my answer to this question yet, I’m going to leave it unanswered. Something for you to think about on your own.
Okay. Let’s take a minute here. Things are about to get complicated. You’ve heard this God-is-all-there-is theory before, but have you ever really unpacked it? Well, Byron Katie has. And in a way I hadn’t heard–really heard–until following her on her unique trip of the mind.
Before discussing this idea, though, let’s do something else. Let’s break down her entire philosophy of life–all the basics. I told you before that I wrote a few sections for this book concerning Katie’s actual teaching and concerning how to do The Work. This is a fun one of those. I call it A Byron Katie Metaphysics.
If this were a college class, here’s how it would start: the professor would watch the clock, waiting to begin. As soon as the second hand reached the twelve of the appointed minute, he’d say, “Byron Katie isn’t a spiritual person.”
Laughter. “Huh?” one student might say.
Another: “Okay. Then who is?”
“According to her, no one,” the professor would reply. “There’s no need to be; spiritual ideas are just a layer, an interpretation. Reality isn’t spiritual. Reality just is. What do you think? Does that make sense?”
“Are you saying that God is like reality? But God isn’t like reality. God is an unknowable, non-physical concept.”
“Are you sure? Byron Katie believes that God and reality aren’t only similar, but they’re exactly the same thing.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. Kinda changes everything, doesn’t it?”
The discussion would continue for forty minutes or so, and just before the end of class, the professor would hand out a piece of paper.
“Here are our topics for the semester.”
The students would then begin to read.
Byron Katie’s Philosophy of Non-Belief in Three Parts:
Part One: There Is No Knowledge
God may or may not exist. Truth may or may not exist.
If God does exist, He is unknowable. If truth does exist, it is unknowable.
Reality exists. However, it is experienced subjectively and thereby distorted.
In sum, there is no true or objective knowledge, either of things seen or unseen. There is only subjective knowledge.
Part Two: There Is Only Reality, and Reality Is Perfect
If there is a God, God is just another name for reality. If there is a truth, truth is everything that is.
Reality is perfect. Everything that is, is exactly as it should be. Always.
For this reason, whenever you argue with reality, you suffer. In fact, all suffering results from believing a thought that argues with what is.
It is possible to be completely free from suffering.
The process of ridding ourselves of our suffering is self-inquiry.
Part Three: Experiences Are Not Reality
Reality and experiences are different. Reality is objective. Experiences are subjective.
Our experiences are a mirror of ourselves, of what we are believing about who we are and what the world is like.
Therefore, when you judge another person, you are actually finding that same quality in yourself.
By changing your beliefs, you change our experiences.
Part Four: Twelve More Surprising Beliefs
The universe is friendly. Reality is much, much kinder than the stories we tell ourselves about it.
Love is what we are made of. We can’t help but love, and we don’t need to try. If we want to feel it, we just have to uncover it.
There are no legitimate “shoulds” in the world. Not one. Everything should be exactly as it is, because it is. Even things like death, anger and abuse.
All thoughts are a gift, even the really awful ones. By listening to them, even loving them, we give them room to teach us, then leave us alone.
Intuition is more reliable than planning. Listen to your inner guide, not your mind. The right decision will come when you need it.
There is no such thing as a victim. You can only suffer if you believe a painful thought or tell yourself a painful story—not a moment sooner. Therefore, the only person who can hurt you is yourself.
“Letting go is an outdated concept.” It is impossible to drop a thought on purpose; it’s just not the way the mind works. Instead, the beliefs we don’t want let go of us after we question them honestly.
There is no reason to defend yourself. “Defense is the first act of war,” Katie famously says. Avoid starting wars.
There’s no such thing as enlightenment. And even if there is, simple kindness is a more noble goal, anyway.
The thoughts we think are not observations of facts. They are only suggestions. No need to take them seriously.
Negative thoughts about an incident are often far more injurious to us than the incident itself ever was.
Since God is reality, if you want to love God, just love what is.
Class dismissed.
Don’t you wish your real college courses had been this thought-provoking?
And now, time for the wrap up of this serial. Here are just some of the changes I noticed in myself over the past year.
I’m less judgmental. One of the first changes I noticed in myself after starting this detox was that I didn’t come down as hard on other people in my thoughts. I still judge, but right on the heels of my judgment is often a benefit-of-the-doubt type modifier. She’s lazy, I’ll think. But hey, I get that. I’m lazy, too, when I think I can get away with it. I complain to no end about housework and cooking, for instance. . . . He’s negative, I’ll think. But I’m negative, too. I focus way too much on what I don’t have. These reminders take much of the bite out of my thoughts, which helps me see people more clearly. And I think they notice the difference.
I am more fair-minded about myself. As described previously, I’ve found a great deal of freedom from the belief that I should be perfect and that I have to accomplish something significant every day (or ever, for that matter). I write when I have the time, energy and desire to do so, and I’m usually surprised by how much ends up getting done.
I feel more secure in my friendships. Byron Katie says that the relationship you perceive yourself to have with someone else is the true relationship–even if the perception and reality of it is different for the other person. One of my favorite Katie quotes: “I like to say that I have the perfect marriage, and I can never know what kind of marriage my husband has.” In the past, I’ve often tried to analyze a friend’s feelings for me–take her temperature, so to speak–then grade our relationship accordingly. Lately, I’ve felt a much reduced compulsion to do so. When the temptation comes, I say to myself, “I love her. That’s my only job here.”
I enjoy motherhood and marriage more. I love my family the same as ever, but now I appreciate them more. I understand that they’re not the source of my unhappiness–or my happiness, either.
I feel less attached to my positive-feeling beliefs (including my spiritual beliefs). I’m humbled knowing I could be wrong about every last one of them.
When a stressful thought arises, I feel a great sense of relief when I remember that I have the Work. I wrote about this realization early on in this serial, and it remains one of the most significant advantages of the process for me. The Work calms me, even before I begin.
I am more grateful for challenges, more accepting of pain. I’m reminding myself often that the worst is really the best. Doing so has become a new spiritual practice.
In the beginning of this serial, I hoped to make major inroads against my depression, to get rid of my negativity and maybe even to experience a glimpse of the nonbelief state in which nothing is known. I also wondered if the Work might be my so-called One Great Spiritual Practice–my go-to strategy for feeling better when everything else fails. I did not accomplish most of these goals. As I said before, I am still depressed. I didn’t glimpse the nonbelief state and truth be told, I’m not sure I want to anymore. I’ve decided I no longer believe in a One Great Practice; to the three I’ve been doing this year (mantra meditation, following my inner guidance and the Work) I’ve added two more: reminding myself in difficult moments that pain is a gift and taking time to feel my feelings of sadness. All these practices are helpful, and I don’t plan to prioritize the Work over any other of them. I’ll admit, though, that I have no desire to add another to the list. It just gets hard to keep track.
But there’s the negativity thing, too, and in that the improvement is significant. I didn’t realize how much victim thinking I’d fallen into until this year. As I wrote down my negative thoughts one by one, self-awareness crept in. Then, as I worked through them, my head cleared.
I called this process my detox, but do I feel detoxified? Honestly, not as much as I’d like. One year is a long time, but the thirty-eight and a half that came before it have taken their toll. My detox continues.
So, it’s June. June 12, my phone says. I find myself, suddenly, at the end of my detox. But it’s not done. I’m still going.
There’s more.
Though I appreciate the freedom I found this year as often as I remember it (which is often), as I told you before, my depression did not improve. I don’t know why this is, though I don’t think it’s a failure of the Work.
Depression is complicated. No one really understands it. Is it genetic? Is it reversible? We don’t know. I do know that I’ve now spent a year dealing with my negative thoughts using the primary non-medicinal treatment, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and another process that’s similar. I’ve dealt with my negative thought patterns, untangled a lot of brush. I feel like I’ve cleared a pretty nice path and found a great amount of peace.
And my efforts, of course, were not limited to this year. The last decade of my life has been devoted in part to overcoming depression through spiritual and other means. And though I’ve had some significant successes with the spiritual stuff, it’s the non-spiritual methods that have worked the best so far.
So, this month, I return to my full dose of my antidepressant. Too, I recommit myself to frequent heart rate-raising exercise. I’m not giving up spiritual techniques; I’ll definitely continue doing the Work on depression. But I am giving up the idea that in order to be mentally healthy, I can’t rely on medication. I’m giving up the idea that antidepressants are a weakness, that I could do this on my own if only I were perfect enough.
I am not perfect. I am not always strong. And even if I were, I might not be able to cure my depression. “Even if I were.” How profound. How ridiculous. I’m not perfect. I’m not always strong. And because I’m not, I don’t need to be.
There are no “shoulds,” remember? There’s only what is. There is only each of us, doing the best we can. Right now, as I sit here, on the twelfth day of June, the best I can do is exercise and medication.
And more Work.
In May, I did the Work on twenty-one stressful thoughts, and I did a handful of extras so far this month as well. Here are a few significant examples of my turnarounds.
Thought: My husband doesn’t appreciate me. He takes me for granted.
Turnarounds: My husband does not take me for granted. I take him for granted. I take myself for granted. He respects me. I don’t respect him. I don’t respect myself. He was mad at me about an action. It was me who made it about not appreciating me and not acknowledging me, me who started looking for evidence of that.
Thought:My depression is deeply ingrained and will take a long time to undo.
Turnarounds: My depression is not deeply ingrained and it will not take a long time to undo. It will take the right amount of time to undo. It is not ingrained at all. It is a result of my stressful and untrue beliefs. Maybe a different medication will help a lot very quickly. Just exercising helps me immediately, too, almost every time.
Thought: I am bored with life. Motherhood is so boring.
Turnarounds: I love being a mom. Love it. I can write, read, watch TV, talk with friends, make art and more if I feel bored. I am not bored with life. Motherhood is good to me. Life is good to me. Motherhood is quiet sometimes, but not boring.
Thought:I should not be depressed.
Turnarounds: I am meant to be depressed. There is a reason for it. I should be depressed. It is teaching me a lot. It makes me more compassionate, more caring, more sensitive, a better friend and a better human. I will be able to help a lot more people because of it.
Thought:I want to help more people in my life. I am not helping other people enough.
Turnarounds: The right opportunities to help others come along when they come along. What’s meant to be will be.
Thought:I cannot handle this much depression.
Turnarounds: I can handle this much depression. The nanny comes tomorrow and after that I’ll take a nap. I have things to look forward to. David is helping me greatly with the kids every day. I will get through, like I always do.
Other thoughts I worked on:
I am not a very likable person.
There is something about me that is unattractive to other people.
I am bossy, opinionated, uncaring, a loudmouth and judgmental.
