Books I Want My Kids to Read Someday: “His Needs, Her Needs” by William F. Harley, Jr.

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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. is a popular marriage book–and for good reason. It’s basic point: partnership isn’t all about love and self-sacrifice; in order to have a good relationship, we have to get our needs met. It’s a good choice for the newly engaged, but any partners can benefit.

Key Takeaways

  • Like it or not, relationships function in a give-and-take way. This phenomenon can nearly be quantified.
  • My favorite quote of the book: “Figuratively speaking, I believe each of us has a Love Bank. It contains many different accounts, one for each person we know. Each person makes either deposits or withdrawals whenever we interact with him or her. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits, and painful interactions cause withdrawals … In short, your needs keep score.”
  • Since this is the case, it’s vital to keep your account and your spouse’s account balanced, so that neither feels like they’re getting cheated or going broke.
  • There are several key needs that partners have in their relationships, and people prioritize these needs differently. It’s important for couples in long-term relationships to identify their most important needs and show their partners how to help provide them.
  • These key needs include, but are not limited to, the following: quality time, physical intimacy, financial security, good conversation, shared fun and more)
  • Harley recommends that couples rate each of their needs and discuss them at length with their partners.

About the Author

Willard F. Harley, Jr. is a renowned author, psychologist, and marriage counselor known for his expertise in marital relationships and relationship counseling. With over five decades of experience in the field, Harley has dedicated his career to helping couples build and maintain strong, fulfilling marriages.

Throughout his career, Harley has authored numerous other influential books on relationships, including “Love Busters” and “Five Steps to Romantic Love.” His writings offer practical advice and guidance on addressing common challenges and conflicts that couples face, such as communication issues, conflicts over money, and infidelity.


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