School in a Book: American Government

Are you the kind of person whose soul is stirred by a stirring presentation of “The Star-Spangled Banner”? Maybe it brings to mind the story of the final battle of the Revolutionary War, when …. Whether or not this describes your internal response to the land that we love, understanding the political process–and participating in it–can be important … maybe even satisfying at times, too.

Most of the following information comes from USA.gov. Direct quotes are indicated as such. To read the documents described here, visit Archives.gov.

ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE: AMERICAN GOVERNMENT

The United States of America: The democratic republic located in North America that includes fifty states, several territories and tribal nations, and the District of Columbia (the federal capital city which is not part of any state). Its states are partly self-governing but subject to federal restrictions which are outlined in the federal constitution. Residents of this country’s territories have varying rights and levels of independence. Its government includes three main branches: the legislative branch, the executive branch, and the judicial branch. Its four main governmental levels are the federal level; the state level; the county level; and the city level. There are also water management districts, fire management districts, library districts and other governmental units.

The Constitution of the United States: The foundational law of the land, which outlines the nation’s governmental structure; its basic laws; its purpose; and the rights of citizens including freedom of speech, press, religion, the right to bear arms and more. Twenty-seven amendments have been added to it over the years concerning such matters as voting rights and term limits, and it is open to interpretation by the Supreme Court as it rules on specific matters.

The Declaration of Independence: The 1776 document that called for independence from Great Britain and marked the beginning of the American Revolution. It was written mostly by Thomas Jefferson and agreed to by the American colonies, and it begins by stating that all people are created equal and have certain inalienable rights, such as the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The Bill of Rights: The first ten amendments to the Constitution, each of which contains multiple civil rights. In order they appear, they are: freedom of religion, speech, the press, peaceable assembly, government petition; the right to create a militia and bear arms; the right to refuse to house soldiers; the freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures unless there is a warrant with probable cause; the right to a jury trial, freedom from double jeopardy, the right to choose not to testify against onesself (this is called “pleading the fifth”), the right to not be denied life, liberty or property without due process of law and the right to not have property taken for public use without compensation; the right to a speedy trial by an impartial jury, the right to be informed of the accusation, to be confronted by the witnesses against him, to have counsel (a lawyer), and to have the opportunity to find witnesses in his favor; right to a trial by jury in civil cases in the federal court (though this type of case is no longer heard in the federal court system); freedom from excessive bail, excessive fines and cruel and unusual punishment; the retaining of other civil rights not listed in the Constitution; and the rights of states and the people to powers not specifically delegated to the federal government and also not prohibited by it to the states.

The system of checks and balances: The ability of each branch of government to limit the actions of the other branches so that no single branch holds too much power or is able to take control of the others. The executive branch is able to veto legislation created by the legislative branch, a decision the legislature can overturn by a 2/3 majority; the legislative branch is able to confirm or reject the executive branch’s nominees and can even remove the president from office in exceptional circumstances; and the judicial branch can overturn laws created by the legislative branch.

State government: The level of government that oversees the state and is subject to federal laws and limitations. These governments consist of the same three branches as does the federal government: executive, legislative, and judicial. Also like the federal government, they have their own constitutions, legislatures, court systems and codes of laws that can differ from each other. State constitutions can be amended when both the legislature and the citizens vote for the amendment. States are prohibited from forming alliances with foreign governments; declaring war; coining money, and imposing duties on imports or exports. Funding for state budgets comes from income taxes, sales taxes, excise taxes, corporate income taxes, lotteries, business license fees and more.

County: A subdivision of a state. In some states, counties have their own governments, while in others, they are merely geographical splits and the towns and cities provide the government of them

The executive branch: The branch of government tasked with enforcing laws. It is made up of the president, the vice president, and the Cabinet members. It oversees many government agencies, such as the Forest Service and the drug Enforcement Agency, that support its work.

The legislative branch: The branch of government tasked with making laws. It has two parts: the Senate and the House of Representatives. In addition to making laws, it confirms or rejects the executive branch’s nominations for various agencies and the Supreme Court; declares war; collects taxes; borrows money; and revises and approves the annual budget. It includes many government agencies, such as the Library of Congress, as well.

The judicial branch: The branch of government made up of the Supreme Court and all other federal courts, which is tasked with interpreting and applying federal law

The Congress: The name of the combined Senate and House of Representatives

The Senate: The part of the Congress that is made up of 100 elected officials, two from each state, who are called senators. Senators serve six-year terms.

The House of Representatives: The part of the Congress that is made up of 435 elected officials who are called representatives or Congresspersons. Each state elects a different number of Congresspersons based on its population. Congresspersons serve two-year terms.

The Supreme Court: The highest judicial body in the U.S., which is made up of nine justices (judges) who are nominated by the president and approved by the Senate by a simple majority. All nine hear and vote on each case, and the majority opinion is the decision. Justices write opinions to explain their decisions, but dissenting opinions can also be written. The justices hear federal court cases that have been appealed after being heard by lower federal courts. They also hear some state cases that deal with federal law. They hear a few cases orally and review others on paper.

The president: The member of the executive branch tasked with serving as head of state, director of foreign policy, and commander-in-chief of the U.S. military. They sign the budget and other bills into law and can veto bills Congress decides on. The president serves a four-year term and can be elected no more than twice.

The vice president: The member of the executive branch tasked with supporting the president; serving as the presiding officer of the Senate; and assuming the presidency when and if the president is unable to carry out their duties. The vice president serves a four-year term and can be elected no more than twice.

The Cabinet: The president’s advisors, who include the vice president, heads of executive departments (such as the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, and the Secretary of the Treasury) and other high-ranking government officials who are nominated by the president and approved by the Senate. Each Each advises the president in their area of expertise.

Joint Chiefs of Staff: A group of high-ranking military leaders who advise the president and the Secretary of Defense on military matters

The National Security Council (NSC): A collection of security policy experts, including heads of various government agencies such as the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, and the Director of National Intelligence, who advise the president and the Joint Chiefs of Staff on national security issues

The Secretary of State: On the federal level, the head of the U.S. Department of State who is responsible for conducting U.S. foreign policy and managing diplomatic relations with other countries. On the state level, they are the official who maintains and oversees public records and documents, such as corporate filings, election results, official state archives and more. In some states, they are also responsible for managing state-level elections; regulating business activities; overseeing professional licensing; and more.

Governor: The chief executive of the state government. They appoint individuals to various state agencies, boards, and commissions; create and propose the state budget; enforce state laws; manage state agencies; grant pardons and reprieves; serve as commander-in-chief of the state’s National Guard; and veto bills passed by the state legislature (which can be overridden by more than a simple majority). Some also have the power of a line-item veto.

Attorney General: The chief legal official of a state or jurisdiction, who is responsible for representing the government in all court cases as well as providing legal counsel to other government agencies

Auditor: The independent official responsible for ensuring that government funds are spent legally and properly by reviewing documents and the like

Treasurer: The official who is responsible for managing the financial assets and liabilities of a state, municipality, or other government entity. They invest funds, manage cash flow, pay out funds for government expenditures and more.

Superintendent of Public Instruction: The highest-ranking education official on the state level, who is responsible for overseeing the state’s public education system by creating programs, ensuring schools are meeting state and federal standards and more

Mayor: The highest elected official of a town or city. They are usually responsible for managing the city’s budget, making policy decisions, and overseeing the city’s operations.

Republican: A member of the Republican Party, one of the two major U.S. political parties, which values smaller government, lower taxes, a more laissez-faire economy and more freedom from government intervention

Democrat: A member of the Democratic Party, one of the two major U.S. political parties, which values social justice, higher taxes for the wealthy, greater government intervention in business and economic processes and a more robust welfare system

Independent: Individuals who do not belong to or identify with any political party

Third party: Any of many U.S. political parties other than the Democratic or Republican parties. Two examples are the Green Party and the Libertarian Party.

Bill: A proposed law, which is proposed by a representative, sponsored by another representative, and introduced to the House of Representatives. It goes to the proper committee, where changes can be made. After approval by the committee, it is reported to the House floor, debated, and voted on. It is then referred to the Senate, where it goes through a similar process. Finally, it is sent to the President, who either passes or vetoes the bill. If vetoed, it can still become law if both houses pass it with a two-thirds majority.

Petition: A formal request for a legislative action, usually for an initiative to be placed on the ballot for direct vote or for a referendum to be proposed and voted on by the legislature. They are often made by a citizen or group of citizens and usually require a certain number of signatures that varies by issue and location.

Initiative: A bill that is drafted by, proposed by and voted on by citizens, bypassing the legislature

Referendum: A bill that is drafted by the legislature, proposed by either the legislature or by citizens, and voted on by the citizens and that may or may not be binding

Recall: The removal of elected officials from office through a citizen vote

Line-item veto: The power of an executive governmental authority to reject specific provisions of a bill without vetoing the entire bill

General election: The final election in which voters choose from among the candidates nominated by each political party, as well as any independent candidates who have qualified to be on the ballot. To be eligible for public office at the federal level, a candidate must be a resident of their state for a certain number of years, and a presidential candidate must be a natural-born U.S. citizen. Congresspeople must be at least 25 years old, while senators must be at least 30 years old and presidents and vice presidents must be at least 35 years old. Additional requirements apply to state and local public offices.

Primary election: An election prior to the general election in which voters select the candidates who will be named on each party’s ticket. In an open primary, voters do not have to be registered with a political party to vote in that party’s primary. They can choose which party’s primary to vote in on the day of the election. In a closed primary, only voters who are registered members of a particular political party can vote in that party’s primary election.

Midterm election: An election that takes place halfway through the president’s term, in which Congresspersons and some Senators are elected and in which turnout is typically lower than in presidential election years

Presidential primary: A primary election in which presidential candidates for the major parties are chosen. Winners go on to compete in the national party conventions, where the party officially nominates their candidate.

Electoral College: A group of electors from every state called that cast the official votes for the president and vice president. They usually vote according to the popular vote. The number of electors in each state is equal to its number of representatives in both houses of Congress. The candidate who wins a majority of the electoral votes (270 out of 538) becomes the president, and the president and vice president are voted on together.

Office-block ballot: A ballot that groups candidates by office name

Party-column ballot: A ballot that groups candidate by party affiliation

Split-ticket ballot: A ballot that allows for voting for candidates of different parties in the same election

Straight-ticket ballot: A ballot that only allows for voting for candidates who are all of the same party

The federal budget: A detailed spending plan for the following fiscal year that is decided on by the Congress. The money for it comes from taxes (from individuals and businesses); loans from other countries (savings bonds, notes and Treasury bills that are sold); social security payments; and miscellaneous other sources, such as fines and licenses. It outlines spending for lawfully protected agencies (such as Medicare, Social Security, Medicaid); interest on the national debt; discretionary agencies and programs (those Congress is not required by law to support but votes to support in that year’s budget); and national defense. The process of creating it is as follows: the president creates a budget; it is reviewed by Congress, who holds hearings on it; committees and subcommittees make revisions to it; Congress passes it; and the President signs it into law.

Appropriation bills: The twelve bills that Congress proposes and attaches to the federal budget that contain all of the discretionary spending for non-mandatory programs like Social Security and Medicare

Filibuster: A technique used by Senators to prevent the voting on of a bill, even if the bill has a majority approval

The Pledge of Allegiance: A statement made while standing at attention and facing the flag with the right hand over the heart that is meant to show loyalty to the nation. It is as follows: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

The flag’s symbolism: The flag represents the shared values and history of the American people, including the values of liberty, democracy and patriotism. The thirteen red and white stripes represent the thirteen original colonies, while the fifty white stars represent the fifty states. The red color represents valor and bravery. The white color represents purity and innocence, and the blue color represents vigilance, perseverance and justice.

Rules for flag flying: The flag shouldn’t be flown in inclement weather unless it’s an all-weather flag; when displayed at night, the flag should be properly illuminated; at certain times, as in a time of national mourning, the flag should be hung at half-mast; the flag should not be flown upside down unless as a signal of distress; when flown with another flag, it should be placed to your left when crossed; when stored, flag should be folded into a triangle with the union (blue section) visible; if damaged, the flag should be disposed of with dignity, usually by burning; the flag should not touch anything below it or rest on the ground; and the flag should never be used for advertising purposes or as a decoration

Major U.S. welfare programs: Social security; medicare and medicaid; supplemental security income (SSI) (aid to elderly and disabled people who do not qualify for social security benefits); food stamps; the earned income tax credit (EITC); public/subsidized housing; rent vouchers; unemployment benefits

School in a Book: Political Science

Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay

Before you debate, learn your stuff. Here are some of the terms you need to know in order to do your civic duties well.

Note that some political terms are not mutually exclusive; for example, the U.S. can be described as a democracy, a republic, a capitalist country or a federation. Also keep in mind that there is a great deal of flexibility and variation in many of these terms. Use these definitions as generalizations to aid in your understanding, not as a definitive description.

Find U.S. elected officials on usa.gov/elected-officials.

ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE: POLITICAL SCIENCE

Politics: The complicated, multi-part process of choosing laws and lawmakers and carrying out other duties of political office

Government: A state-run institution that is tasked with maintaining order, protecting citizens, and promoting the general welfare of society by making and enforces laws and carrying out many other specified services, such as education and infrastructure building and maintenance

Political science: The study of political history, processes, people and ideas

Political party: A named group that shares political preferences and seeks to have their representatives elected

Suffrage: The right and ability to vote in an election

Political power: The ability to control or influence politics

Political legitimacy: The acceptance of a governing authority by its citizens

Political authority: The ability of a governing authority to govern without the use of force

Sovereignty: The right of a state to govern itself without external interference. In some cases, this right may be limited by international law, treaties and other considerations.

Political ideology: A set of beliefs about the right, practical and preferable function, structure and powers of government

Party identification: Loyalty to a political party, whether or not one is an official member of that party

Democracy: A political system in which citizens have the right and ability to vote for their laws and governmental leaders, either directly or through elected representatives

Monarchy: A form of government that is led by a supreme leader whose powers vary by state. In a constitutional monarchy, the monarch is limited and guided by a constitution, the foundational law of the land. An emirate is a form of monarchy ruled by an emir (the ruler of a Muslim state). A sultanate is ruled by a sultan.

Oligarchy: A form of government that is led by a small group of individuals, usually wealthy and well-connected ones

Dictatorship: A form of government in which a single ruler has absolute power. In most cases, leaders of this type of government create a legal framework that justifies their actions.

Constitutional democracy: A democracy in which the rights and powers of the people are described in a constitution, which is the foundational law of the land

Republic: A form of government in which the people elect representative leaders to carry out their goals

Democratic republic: A type of republic in which the representatives are elected through a democratic process

Presidential government: A republic with a separate executive branch from the legislative branch that is led by a president

Parliamentary government: A form of government in which the executive branch, including main leader and an advisory cabinet, is chosen by a legislature or parliament. The leader is called a prime minister or a chancellor. This branch can be dissolved by the parliament and can in turn dissolve the parliament.

Federation: A form of government in which a group of individual states or provinces are united under a central government with limited powers

Confederacy: A looser form of government in which the member states or provinces retain almost all of their sovereignty and autonomy, with the central government having very limited powers

Confederation: A general term that can refer to any political association in which several states or provinces join together for a common purpose

Theocracy: A form of government in which a deity or religion, as interpreted by religious professionals, is supreme

Feudalism: A hierarchical political and social system that dominated Europe and Japan during the Middle Ages in which peasants worked for and were loyal to knights, knights worked for and were loyal to lords and lords worked for and were loyal to kings. Territory disputes were common due to political instability.

English colony: A territory or region that was controlled and governed by the British Empire, with varying degrees of autonomy and self-government

U.S. protectorate: A state or territory that is under the protection and influence of the United States, but is not fully incorporated as a part of the United States and has some degree of autonomy and self-government

Tribal nation: A sovereign yet dependent nation that must follow federal law but not all state laws

Non-government organization (NGO): A private, non-profit entity that works towards social, environmental, or humanitarian goals, often independent of government

Regime: Any particular government that is in power at a particular time. The word usually carries negative connotations.

The political spectrum: A way of organizing political ideologies according to the amount of government control and, conversely, the amount of individual freedom they espouse. Commonly, though not always, it is viewed as a straight line, giving rise to the “left-right” terminology. It is as follows, starting at the right: anarchy; libertarian capitalism; conservative capitalism; progressive liberal capitalism; socialism; and communism. Fascism/totalitarianism is often considered to be a far-right ideology, though it is more similar to communism.

Liberalism: In the U.S., a political ideology promoting social and economic reform, higher taxes and greater governmental power. It is associated with the Democratic Party. An economic liberal espouses only or mainly the ideology’s economic ideas, and a social liberal espouses only or mainly the ideology’s social values. In Europe, the term is used differently, signifying an ideology closer to what Americans call conservativism, and the word progressivism is used to describe what Americans call liberalism.

Conservatism: A political ideology promoting free markets, restricted government, efficient use of government resources and traditional social values. In the U.S., it is associated with the Republican Party. An economic conservative espouses only or mainly the ideology’s economic ideas, and a social conservative espouses only or mainly the ideology’s social values.

Capitalism: A political system or ideology based on private ownership, free-market competition and the profit motive

Socialism: A political system or ideology in which democratically elected leaders attempt to fairly redistribute wealth; eliminate or greatly reduce economic inequality; provide universal access to essential goods and services such as healthcare and education; and give workers greater control over the means of production

Communism: A political system or ideology in which private ownership of property, businesses and capital is banned and the state, usually run by a small group of leaders, controls everything. The state claims that all people share ownership of all resources, though in practice, it owns everything. Leaders are not elected democratically.

Libertarianism: A political system or ideology that seeks to maximize the freedom of the individual and minimize the size and powers of the government

Anarchy: A political system or ideology that seeks to abolish hierarchical forms of government in favor of cooperative systems

Totalitarianism: A political system or ideology in which state authority is total and often brutally enforced

Fascism: A form of totalitarianism that existed in several nations during World War II that was characterized by extreme militarism and nationalism

Nazism: National Socialism, the form of fascism that existed in Germany prior to and during World War II after the Nazi Party came into power

Marxism: A form of communism devised by Karl Marx in the late nineteenth century that he claimed would free the proletariat (workers) from exploitation by capitalists (business owners), resulting in a socialist system and classless society in which the means of production are owned collectively by the workers

Welfare capitalism: A form of capitalism in which a free-market economy is combined with an extensive social welfare system, including universal health care, education and more

State capitalism: A form of capitalism in which the government controls or heavily influences the economy, often through state-owned enterprises or by providing subsidies to certain industries

Laissez-faire capitalism: A form of capitalism in which the government exercises minimal control of the economy

Nationalism: A political ideology that holds that a nation should be fully sovereign and that citizens should be loyal to their nation above all else

Isolationism: A political ideology that holds that a nation should practice non-intervention or low intervention in international affairs

Egalitarianism: A belief in the inherent and rightful political, social and economic equality of all people

Political corruption: The use of entrusted powers by government officials for private gain. This includes extortion, cronyism, nepotism, patronage, graft, pork barreling, embezzlement and more.

Extortion: Obtaining or attempting to obtain something through force or threats

Bribery: Obtaining or attempting to obtain something through a monetary payment

Graft: The illegal use of public monies for private gain. It can take many forms, including embezzlement, bribery, granting lucrative contracts to associates who offer monetary kickbacks and more.

Embezzlement: Theft or misappropriation of public or institutional money or property for private use

Cronyism: The favoring of friends for political office or other benefits

Nepotism: The favoring family members for political office or other benefits

Patronage: The practice of giving government jobs or contracts to people as a reward for their political support

Pork barreling: The use of power and position to secure funding for local projects that may not be necessary or cost-effective in order to gain political support from constituents. This is frequently done by adding riders to bills and exchanging political favors.

Rider: An addition to a law that might or might not have any connection to the issue the law addresses, added to gain favor with the representatives who benefit from it

Conflict of interest: An ethically problematic situation in which a person has two different responsibilities that might have conflicting goals, resulting in difficult choices on the part of that person. An example of this is a state representative who is also a member of the board of a large company, such as a drug manufacturer, who might pressure the representative to pass legislation that is amenable to their cause.

Gerrymandering: Manipulating the boundaries of an electoral district in order to give one political party an advantage over another. This can be done by either packing opposition voters into a single district (thus wasting their votes) or spreading them across multiple districts (thus diluting their power).

Lobbying: The attempt by individuals and large organizations to influence lawmakers in their policy decisions through a variety of techniques such as persuasion, information, material incentives, economic leverage, disruption, entertainment and litigation. Professional lobbyists work for large corporations. They sometimes get only two or three minutes of an official’s time to make their case. Former government officials often become lobbyists and earn a high salary as such.

Soft money: Unregulated and sometimes unlimited donations given to political organizations rather than directly to candidates in order to avoid contribution limits. It was outlawed for federal elections but loopholes are constantly being sought.

Partisan journalism: Journalism that is clearly biased in favor of a political party or ideology

Yellow journalism: Journalism that relies on sensationalism, exaggeration, and often unethical practices to attract its audience

Interest group: An organization that advocates for the political interests of a specific group of people, such as a business, a labor union or an environmentalist group. They aren’t allowed to endorse candidates, but they are allowed to contribute to political campaigns through PACs.

Political action committee (PAC): An organization that advocates for a special interest group by making financial contributions to political campaigns, writing legislation, and more

Super PAC: A type of PAC that can raise and spend unlimited amounts of money to support or oppose candidates, as long as they do not coordinate directly with the candidate’s campaign

Grassroots activism: The process of mobilizing large numbers of people to achieve shared goals through techniques such as letter writing campaigns, rallies and marches, petitions, initiatives, lobbying, advertising, local meeting attendance, campaigning, writing policy education materials and more

Economic issues: Political questions that concern the production, distribution, and consumption of goods, capital and services in a society. These include questions surrounding taxation, government spending, government regulation, trade and more.

Social issues: Political questions that concern matters of social justice, equality, equity and government-supplied benefits to the public. These include questions surrounding abortion, affirmative action, animal rights, capital punishment, censorship, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, Internet taxation, climate change, disarmament and nonproliferation, drugs, imprisonment, education, foreign aid, gay rights, gun rights, health care, immigration, lobbying, nuclear testing, political corruption, race relations, separation of church and state, space policy, welfare and more.

Foreign policy: A country’s strategies and measures regarding international issues, including issues of diplomacy, foreign aid, trade agreements, military force, political alliances, global human rights, nuclear proliferation, environmental concerns, terrorism and more

Public policy: A country’s strategies and measures regarding issues that concern the general policy, including welfare, national security, the environment and much more

Constituents: Voters and other citizens who are represented by elected political leaders

Bureaucracy: A large and complex organization that is typically hierarchical in structure, with specialized roles and procedures for decision-making and implementation

Political machine: A political organization that attempts to control a government through manipulation of elections, patronage and more

Grant: A financial award given by a government agency or private organization to a special program in response to their written grant proposal

Citizen legislation: Legislation that is initiated and voted on by citizens rather than by legislators

National debt: The total amount of money that a country’s government owes to its creditors, which can include both domestic and foreign investors, as well as other countries

Colonization: The takeover of a nation or people by a foreign nation, usually by force

The British Conservative Party: One of the two main political policies in the U.K., which advocates for free-market economic policies and conservative social values

The British Labour Party: One of the two main political parties in the U.K., which advocates for progressive values such as universal healthcare, affordable housing, and workers’ rights

School in a Book: Sociology

Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay

Sociology is the subject you learned without realizing you learned it. This is because as one wends their way through discussions of news, politics, culture and more, the following terms are encountered many, many times. Consider this list a refresher.

ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE: SOCIOLOGY

Sociology: The study of human social life, including the study of class structures; political structures; inequalities; culture; institutions; relationships; group dynamics and more

Socialization: The ongoing process by which individuals learn social norms, including family-led primary socialization as well as secondary socialization from others

Society: A collection of people who share space and culture

Culture: The shared features of a group that might include values, language, food and much more

Subculture: A group that promotes values and activities that are different from and sometimes contrary to those of the dominant culture

Group: Two or more people who interact regularly, have a sense of belonging and have their own chosen norms

Aggregate: A collection of people who happen to be at the same place at the same time

Network: A series of loosely held social ties that can be important sources of information, contacts, and assistance for its members

Nuclear family: One or two primary caregivers and their children

Primary group: A group that has emotional intimacy, a great sense of belonging and meets frequently, such as a family

Secondary group: A group that is more formal and less personal than a primary group but still meets regularly, such as a workplace or neighborhood group

Reference group: A group people compare themselves with for purposes of self-evaluation

Group dynamics: The ways in which an individual’s thoughts and behaviors are influenced by their groups

Role: A set of behavioral norms and expectations

Value: A culturally and personally determined belief about what is right or wrong, desirable or undesirable

Ideology: A set of values on which people base their religious ideas, political beliefs, behavioral choices and more

More: A socially constructed guideline for behavior

Sanction: A socially constructed expression of approval or disapproval

Peer pressure: The social pressure applied by groups, often unintentionally, to encourage conformity

Social control: The ways a society encourages conformity to norms

Deviance: The violation of a norm

Stigma: A trait or characteristic people possess that causes them to lose social status

Taboo: A strongly held social norm

Social alienation: The rejection or incomplete integration of a person into a community

Groupthink: The tendency of people to follow the majority opinions of the group, leading to narrow, uncreative views and solutions

Social construction: A viewpoint created by a group

Social status: A person’s social rank in a particular setting

Status symbol: An outward manifestations of prestige, such as expensive clothing

Social capital: The non-monetary resources available to a person that stem from their human interaction, including information, opportunities, power and influence, liking, reputation, cooperation and more

Assimilation: The process whereby members of a group give up parts of their own culture in order to blend in to a new culture

Social integration: The degree to which an individual feels connected to the other people in his or her group or community

Resocialization: The learning of new norms and values that occurs when life circumstances change dramatically

Master status: The main trait or status that a person is known by, such as their occupation (i.e. stay-at-home mom)

Industrial society: A society that uses advanced sources of energy, rather than humans and animals, to run large machinery

Postindustrial society: A society that features an economy based on services and technology, not production

Developing nations: Countries that are in the process of becoming industrialized

First-world, second-world and third-world nations: An outmoded and offensive classification of countries according to their level of modernization, infrastructure and wealth

Socioeconomic status (SES): A calculation of one’s education, income, occupation and possibly ethnicity and gender that results in a nonscientific social categorization

Class warfare: The political tension and economic inequalities that exist between social classes

Social mobility: Movement up or down within the social hierarchy

Caste system: A social system based on ascribed statuses, traits or characteristics that people possess at birth

Class system: A social system based partly or largely on achieved statuses, traits or characteristics that are earned and chosen

Elite: A small group of powerful people who hold a disproportionate amount of wealth, privilege, political power, or skill in a society

Power elite: A small group of the most wealthy, powerful, and influential people in business, government, and the military that are thought to run a society

Nobility: The highest stratum of the estate system of stratification whose members had significant inherited wealth

Nouveau riche: The class of people whose wealth has been around only for a generation or two. The name comes from the Latin phrase for “new money.”

Bourgeoisie: In Marxist theory, the class of people who own the industrial means of production, to whom the working class sells their services

Proletariat: In Marxist theory, the working class people

Poverty level: An estimate set by the federal government of the minimum income that a family needs to survive

Gentrification: The changes that occur when wealthier residents and businesses move into a neighborhood or area in large numbers, including loss of unique local qualities; appropriation of unique qualities; and the pricing out of current residents

Race: A set of shared physical characteristics loosely based on place of origin

Ethnicity: A set of shared cultural characteristics, including nationality, language, religion, and traditions

Stereotype: An assumption people make about a person or a group, often on the basis of incorrect or incomplete information

Racial prejudice: The unavoidable mental associations and generalizations every person retains concerning race

Racial discrimination: A statement or act that seeks to remove power or dignity from a person of color

Racism: The systemic, institutionalized discrimination and prejudice that pervades every level of society, including workplaces, governments, the criminal justice system and many more

White supremacy: The assumed intellectual, cultural and moral superiority of white people, as opposed to people of color. The term was first used to refer to white people who worked for racial segregation and the oppression of people of color, but is now widely used to refer to the innumerable cultural messages that permeate Western society.

White privilege: The sum total of the many small and large benefits of being white

White fragility: The defensiveness displayed by many white people during discussions about race, which might lead them to provide overly simplistic solutions, dramatize their own suffering, display anger, avoid discussion, shut down discussion/change topic or focus, seek white solidarity and more

Multiculturalism: The existence and fair-minded acceptance of multiple cultural heritages living side by side

Pluralistic society: A society composed of many different races, ethnicities and cultures

Ethnocentrism: The tendency to judge another culture by the standards of one’s own culture

Microaggression: A statement or act that betrays a person’s racial prejudice and in some way diminishes a person of color but does not overtly discriminate against them. An example is a careless statement about a person’s hair texture or not looking at a person of color when talking to a group.

Institutionalized racism: The ways in which systems of society, such as the education, employment, criminal justice and healthcare systems, reinforce racial inequality and discrimination

The prison industrial complex: The network of private and government-run organizations that profit from mass incarceration

Mass incarceration: The legally sanctioned imprisonment of several million people in the United States, many of whom are people of color, and many of whom are required to provide very low-cost to free labor to U.S. corporations working through contracts with the prison system

The New Jim Crow: The modern system for denying numerous civil and other rights to people of color in the United States, particularly, but not limited to, people previously convicted of felony crimes. It includes laws which allow for unconstitutional acts, such as search and seizure without cause, racial profiling, targeted policing, cruel and unusual punishment, unfair trials and others; laws and other practices that deny people with felony records access to job opportunities, business licenses, gun licenses, housing, food assistance, insurance, loans, educational assistance and more; laws that deny people with felony records the right to vote, serve on a jury or perform other civic duties; and more.

Contact hypothesis: A hypothesis stating that prejudice declines when people in an in-group become more familiar with the customs, norms, food, music, and attitudes of people in an out-group

Disenfranchisement: The revocation of a person’s rights, including their right to vote

The Other: A person or group of people thought to be different, even alien, by another person or group

Gender socialization: The tendency for boys and girls to be socialized differently

Sex: One’s anatomical gender

Gender: One’s felt or experienced gender

Cisgender: The quality of having the same anatomical and experienced gender

Transgender: The quality of having an experienced gender different from one’s anatomical gender

Transsexual: A person who has had gender reassignment surgery

Non-binary gender: An umbrella term for genders that fall somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum and are neither strictly male or female

Queer theory: A field of critical theory that interprets literature, culture and history through the lens of non-binary gender issues

Patriarchy: A society in which men hold most of the power, including political, moral, financial and social power, and places of leadership

Auguste Comte: The founder of sociology as a scientific pursuit who argued that industrialization was to blame for class struggle

Karl Marx: An early sociologist who theorized that capitalism was the cause of class struggle and who argued that sociology should include not just facts, but social critique

Human rights: Rights many believe all people are entitled to, such as freedom of religion, speech and education

Institution: A set of norms surrounding the carrying out of a function necessary for the survival of a society

Bureaucracy: An institution with a hierarchy of rigid, rule-bound officials

Neocolonialism: A theory concerning the tendency of the most industrialized nations to exploit less developed countries politically and economically

Hegemony: The political, economic, or military predominance or control of one state over others

Cultural relativism: The theory that in order to understand the traits of another culture, one must study them within the context of that culture

Secularization: The transformation of a society from close identification with religious values and institutions toward nonreligious values and secular institutions

Urbanization: The process by which a large percentage of a population migrates toward urban centers

White-collar crime: Nonviolent crime committed by middle class professionals, often in the context of the workplace

Victimless crime: Crimes in which laws are violated but that lack an identifiable victim

Recidivism: The tendency of convicted criminals to repeat offenses

Consumerism: The acquisition of goods and services in ever-increasing amounts

Conspicuous consumption: The acquiring of luxury goods and services with the goal of public display

Meritocracy: A system in which positions are given according to individual merit

The American Dream: The idea that all people, regardless of the conditions into which they were born and their current social economic status, should have the chance to succeed

Social Darwinism: The late-nineteenth century theory that stronger people increase in wealth and power while weaker people decrease in the same

Primogeniture: A law stipulating that only a first-born son could inherit his father’s wealth

School in a Book: Arithmetic and Measurement

Math thinking grows the brain. Avoid taking the easy way out when encountering simple math problems in daily life. On paper or in your head, convert measurements, add and subtract large numbers, calculate costs per unit, find averages and percentages and more when opportunities arise. It gets easier, and saves time (and sometimes money) in the long run.

ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE: ARITHMETIC AND MEASUREMENT

Equation: A mathematical statement that shows the relationship between two expressions, separated by an equal sign

Operation: A mathematical process that takes one or two numbers as inputs and produces a number as an output, such as addition, subtraction, multiplication, or division

Multiplication: The process of finding the product of two factors

Division: The process of finding an unknown factor

Whole number: A number with no fractional part

Integer: A whole number, either positive or negative

Negative number: A number that is less than zero

Positive number: A number that is more than zero

Absolute value: A number’s distance from zero, whether negative or positive

Place value: The position of a number within a larger number, which is what determines that number’s value. For example, the two in the number .12 is in the hundreds place, while the one is in the tens place.

Inequality: A mathematical expression that contains an inequality symbol

Numerator: The top number in a fraction that represents the number of parts being considered

Denominator: The bottom number in a fraction that represents the total number of equal parts in a whole

Remainder: The number left over after division has taken place. This occurs when the numerator cannot be equally divided by the denominator.

Factor: A number that divides another number, leaving no remainder. For example, 3 and 4 are factors of 12.

Greatest common factor: The largest factor that all the numbers being worked with share. For example, 12 and 16 share a factor of 4.

Product: The result of multiplying two numbers

Multiple: A number that can be divided by another number without a remainder. For example, 10 and 15 are multiples of 5.

Least common multiple: The smallest multiple that is divisible by all the numbers being worked with. For example, 4 is the least common multiple of 2 and 4 is 4 because the multiples of 2 are 2, 4, 6, 8, etc. and the multiples of 4 are 4, 6, 8, 10, etc.

Lowest terms: A fraction that has been simplified to its smallest possible form, where the numerator and denominator have no common factors greater than one. For example, 12/16ths in lowest terms is 3/4ths.

Improper fraction: A fraction in which the numerator is greater than or equal to the denominator; for example, 11/5

Mixed fraction: A fraction that combines a whole number and a proper fraction; for example, 3 1/3

Like fractions: Fractions that share the same denominator; for example, 3/4 and 1/4

Equivalent fractions: Fractions that represent the same quantity or value, but may have different numerators and denominators; for example, 2/4 and 1/2

Array: An arrangement of objects, pictures, or numbers in rows and columns. These can be used to illustrate multiplication and division problems. For example, the math problem 3 x 4 could be shown by creating three rows of four dots.

Set: Any collection of elements, whether they are numbers, objects or something else. It contains only one of each type of element, however.

Sequence: An enumerated collection of objects in which repetitions are allowed and order matters

Bar graph: A chart that uses bars to represent data

Line graph: A chart that uses lines, usually on a graph featuring an x-axis and a y-axis, to represent data

Table: A chart that organizes numbers into columns. Tables often show the various results of a calculation as it is affected by one or more variables.

Pie chart: A chart that organizes percentage values in a single circle that is segmented like a cut pie

Venn diagram: A diagram that displays intersecting and various-sized circles to represent the interrelationships between data sets

One million: 1,000,000

One billion: 1,000,000,000

One trillion: 1,000,000,000,000

Roman numerals 1-9: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX

Roman numerals 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 and 90: X, XX, XXX, XL, L, LX, LXX, LXXX, XC

Roman numerals 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 600, 700, 800, 900: C, CC, CCC, CD, D, DC, DCC, DCCC, CM

Roman numerals 1000, 2000, and 3000: M, MM, MMM

Metric system of measurement: The worldwide standard measurement system, which is based on multiples of 10, and includes meters and grams

English system of measurement: A system of measurement used primarily in the United States that includes units such as inches, feet, miles, and pounds

Kelvin: A temperature scale used in scientific measurements where 0 degrees represents absolute zero, the lowest possible temperature. 1 degree Kelvin is the same as 1 degree Celsius, but the 0 point (starting point) is different.

Celsius: A temperature scale where the freezing point of water is 0 degrees and the boiling point of water is 100 degrees, commonly used in most countries worldwide

Fahrenheit: A temperature scale where the freezing point of water is 32 degrees and the boiling point of water is 212 degrees, commonly used in the United States

Centigrade: A older name for Celsius

The number of millimeters in a meter: 1000

The number of centimeters in a meter: 100

The number of meters in a kilometer: 1000

The number of milligrams in a gram: 1000

The number of grams in a kilogram: 1000

The number of kilograms in a metric ton: 1000

The number of inches in a foot: 12

The number of feet in a yard: 3

The number of yards in a mile: 1760

The number of ounces in a pound: 16

The number of pounds in a ton: 2000

The number of teaspoons in a tablespoon: 3

The number of fluid ounces in a cup: 8

The number of cups in a pint: 2

The number of pints in a quart: 2

The number of quarts in a gallon: 4

The number of milliliters in a liter: 1000

The number of days in a year: 365

How to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit: C = (F – 32) X 5/9 and F = (C X 9/5) + 32

The freezing point in Celsius: 0 degrees

The freezing point in Fahrenheit: 32 degrees

The boiling point in Celsius: 100 degrees

The boiling point in Fahrenheit: 212 degrees

Self-Help Success Story: Matt Kahn: “I Don’t Try to Love What I Don’t Love; Instead, I Witness My Feelings and Beliefs”

Recently Matt Kahn agreed to an interview. I know: how lucky am I? I got to ask him anything I wanted–anything at all. So of course I thought of the hardest questions possible. Enjoy.

Mollie: Matt Kahn! This is so exciting for me. I have been wanting to interview you ever since reading Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You, a book that relates a few of your many strange encounters with the Divine as well as encouragement and instruction for loving and appreciating everything that comes up in our lives. The follow-up, Everything Is Here to Help You: A Loving Guide to Your Soul’s Evolutionis even more detailed and practical. So, first, thank you.

A year and a half ago, during one of the most difficult experiences of my life, I attended one of your live events. My friend drove me there and parked on the street, and after getting out of the car I immediately threw up. Once inside the venue, I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, then sat on the floor near the door while my friend held our place in line. I wanted so badly to learn how to love this–my nausea–but there was nothing inside of me that felt any amount of love. I just had no strength left. I wanted to talk to you after the meeting to ask you what to do, but I didn’t. Instead, I overheard a woman behind me telling her friend that she asked you what to do about her depression. You told her to “Be the best depressed person you can possibly be.” I didn’t understand this then, but I never forgot it, and I think I’m starting to understand it now. Can you tell me what you meant by this statement?

Matt: Using that example, I was pointing someone towards embracing the circumstances of depression, instead of being in opposition to it. In order for us to make peace with depression and use it as an evolutionary catalyst, it cannot be wrong to be depressed. It certainly isn’t comfortable or convenient, but the moment it isn’t wrong to be exactly as we are, we create space for a deeper reality to shine through. In the same way, your nausea isn’t preferred, but it’s here to be welcomed, honored, and respected for the role it plays in your journey. We don’t have to love the experience of nausea, in order to recognize how the one who feels so helpless, tired, and disempowered is the one who needs our loving support the most. From this space, we are no longer lost in our opinions about things, so we may be the best supporters of however our experiences unfold. This is the heart of true acceptance.

Mollie: What do you tell people who simply cannot love what they’re experiencing right now?

Matt: I say that we only think we cannot love because we don’t feel love as an emotion. Instead of thinking of love as a feeling to conjure or capture, it begins as a willingness to support ourselves or others no matter the details in view. Love is a response of empathy; when we see how deeply other people or even ourselves tend to hurt along our healing journeys, the awakening of love is a response of greater support to those in need. The more often we support ourselves and others in moments that matter most, the more supported we feel by the Universe, which at that point, manifests the feelings of well-being that everyone yearns to feel. Love is a willingness to be the most helpful person to the parts of you that hurt the most. This is the first bold step in cultivating heart-centered consciousness.

Mollie: So really walk me through this. You’re sitting there really not loving what is arising. Maybe you have chronic pain or a broken heart. Then you consciously shift your thoughts to “I love this, I accept this, This is what is meant to be, This is good.” But you can’t hold that thought for long, so soon your mind wanders back to thoughts of hating your circumstance. What then? I find there are only so many times I can think the thought, “This is good” before I just get bored and a little annoyed at myself for repeating this stupid mantra, and more than a little annoyed that I am annoyed. What then? Do I try to just switch to a different subject in my mind?

Matt: The trick is not trying to love the circumstance or feeling, but embracing the one who feels exactly as they do. We love the one who judges and hates, even though we may not love the act of judging or hating. Even the one who hates to judge is only here to be loved. The confusion is when someone is trying to love their experiences, instead of embracing the one having experiences. This is the crucial distinction that transforms self-love from daunting and dogmatic into an authentic and uplifting heartfelt communion.

Mollie: Can you tell me about a time in your life when you weren’t able to love what was in front of you–at least not at first–but then successfully shifted that feeling? How did you do it?

Matt: I’ve never tried to love what was in front of me because that would be denying the realism and honesty of my subjective human experience. Instead, I witnessed my feelings, beliefs, desires, and conclusions as parts that were waiting in line to seen through the eyes of acceptance and honored for being a unique aspect of my soul. I always knew the invitation was to love what arises within myself, while honoring any external play of circumstance as the perfect sequence of events to remind me where to send love in myself next.

Mollie: Lately, when I am not loving what I’m experiencing, I’m often able to shift my attitude quite a bit by reminding myself that this feeling or circumstance is my greatest teacher, the absolute best way for me to learn what I need to learn on this earth. For example, when I notice sadness, I remind myself to feel the sadness, to welcome it, because it is with me for some reason that I might not understand quite yet. Is loving what arises more about loving what comes of the pain, rather than about loving the experience of the pain? Or is it preferable to try to shift the painful feeling as well?

Matt: Loving what arises is about steadfast companionship. To welcome the pain, curiosities, worries and concerns, along with each and every insight that is birthed in the aftermath of loss or change allows us to be the parent we may never have had, the partner we are waiting to encounter, or the reliable friend who is always here to remind us how deeply we matter. When we take the time to befriend our feelings, the Universe steps forward to serve the evolution of our highest potential.

Mollie: Is your life hard? Is life supposed to be hard? At least sometimes?

Matt: My life isn’t hard. It’s exciting, sometimes exhausting, but its simply a matter of the balance I keep throughout my life. Life is hard when we forget its a process. A process is a chain of events that only unfold in time. So if we are not at peace with time, we rarely have time for the processes that matter most, which is the evolution of our soul. As we begin living on life’s terms and conditions by allowing the process of spiritual growth to be embraced throughout our day, we find deeper perspectives opening up, where a life that once seemed so difficult is now exciting at every turn. The difference between the two is how open we allow our hearts to be.

Mollie: You have mentioned something called “karmic clearing,” noting that we all need to feel negative feelings at times in order to clear them from the world. Why is this? What is the theological explanation? I would love to believe this is true–that my suffering has practical value for the world–but I’m skeptical.

Matt: Any notion of individual healing could only be our individual experience of clearing outdated patterns of ancestry as our personal contribution towards healing the collective. Our experiences may seem individual in nature, but it is always our unique experience of healing the whole that reveals astonishingly global implications through our willingness to heal. Additionally, perhaps the skeptical one is only using skepticism to request more loving attention, appearing to need answers and information, when it’s just an innocent way to request the gift of your attention.

Mollie: Thank you, Matt. Sincerely.

"Being Good" is free today

In the year 2081, Francie lived in a small village called Gallitia. It was simple. It was peaceful. It was beautiful. But there was one problem.
Francie couldn’t leave.

Oh, and then there were the people that wanted to bring electricity and change everything. And the boy with the very red hair, who Francie suspected was somehow part of this change. The question, then, became: Will Francie change, too?

Being Good is probably my best work.

Get the Kindle ebook on Amazon for 99 cents or a free PDF on Project Gutenberg, Smashwords or NoiseTrade. You can also get the print version on Amazon.

An Ode to Change

Today, I decided to jot down a few of the main changes I’d like to see in myself, in my life, and in my family.

I don’t recommend doing the same.

Here’s my list:

  1. More jogs
  2. More long walks with the kids
  3. More quiet time
  4. More time reading with kids
  5. More home cooking
  6. More homeschooling
  7. More progress on house projects
  8. More longhand writing
  9. More family dinners with friends
  10. More volleyball
  11. More time with my husband
  12. More family chore times
  13. More meditation and other spiritual practices
  14. More sports with kids
  15. More naps

Law of Attraction Success Story: “I Overcame My Eating Disorder”

top mysticism books 16

Contributor: Anonymous

Several years ago, I decided to keep an eating journal, partly as an attempt to lose weight I didn’t need to lose. I recorded the times I binged and the days I starved, and one day, I had a moment of truth.

Holy crap, I realized. I have an eating disorder.

It was the first time I knew for sure that it was true.

Not long after that, I joined a recovery group for food addicts in an honest, committed way and started on the path to recovery. Then, a few years later, something happened that I can only describe as a miracle: The day before my birthday, right in the midst of yet another evening binge, I decided to do something very special for myself: I decided to give up overeating—and not just overeating, but dieting, fasting, counting calories, counting carbs—even using artificial sweeteners.

I decided to finally be sane.

As it turned out, it was the best birthday gift I’d ever received. Since that day, I have not binged or overeaten to the point of discomfort even once—and as a result, today I am thinner than I was before.  Every pair of pants that I own fits me every day, but better than that: I like the way I look—I really, really like it. I like my soft curves. I like my flat stomach (which is flatter now that there is less food in it). I love even my flaws.

It’s weird how these things happen, isn’t it? One day you think you’re fine, and the next you realize you have a problem. And then, because you finally admitted it, you allow your moment of grace to occur–the miracle that finally heals you.

And you know what’s so cool about recovery? It’s actually pretty fun. And even when it’s not that much fun, it’s still so much fun, because as long as I’m on the path, I have hope.

And so, to those of you out there who still suffer—and “suffer,” I know, is no exaggeration—here is my advice for you: pray. Meditate. Seek the help of your God. Do whatever you have to do to get in touch with the Source—even if at first, all you can do is ask to lose weight.

After that, follow your intuition. If you feel that reading inspiring books may help, read some inspiring books. If you feel that starting a program will help, start a program, by all means. If your heart is telling you to see a physician or counselor, please do so right away.

Take the steps you need to take—and as you do so, know that as long as you’re engaged with the process, moving down the path, there is hope for you, too.

Meditation 101: Practices, Postures, and Pretty Much Everything In Between

Guest Contributor: Jamal Bara at FitnessGoat.com.

“I am incapable of meditating,” admitted a friend of mine just the other day. “It ends up being just me silently agonizing over my to-do list.”

I totally get it; meditation is difficult. It’s definitely not a practice you’ll excel at right away. Just like you can’t pick up a golf club for the first time and expect to make it to the Masters Tournament next year and get that green jacket.

Okay, maybe that’s exaggerating, but you get the picture. The art of meditation can take years to learn, and you may never achieve perfect bliss, but it’s all about the practice.

And just like golf may not be your sport, certain styles of meditation may not be your cup of tea either. It takes some experimenting to find what works for you.

What is Meditation?

Meditation is a deliberate practice and one that requires your most quiet, mindful state. The word is tossed around a lot, but you may not exactly know meditation’s actual meaning or function. If asked, I would initial picture Yoda summoning the Force. Perhaps this is a form of meditation, but we’ll leave that for the galaxy.

Though mediation varies and splinters off into different styles of practices, it begins with one specific application—calming your mind. It also (hopefully) ends with a similar goal—restoring balance. The in-between is where you can customize your practice.

As with most new endeavors, it’s helpful to be educated on the subject before you jump in. That’s why we’re here! In this comprehensive guide, you’ll learn about the types of meditation, the benefits of meditation, meditation postures, and even some apps that will help you get in the zone. Then we’ll answer some common questions about meditation and silence any skeptics out there.

So what are some meditation techniques and tips to help you begin this transcendental journey? Stay tuned!

Types of Meditation

Vipassana meditation (observation of reality)

Vipassana is one of the most ancient forms of meditation. It originated in the Theravada vehicle of Buddhism (the school of thought used by southeastern Asian countries) and is said to use certain concepts from the Buddha himself—the refinement of mindfulness and searching within.

Broadly speaking, there are two types of meditation—concentration and insight. Concentration style meditation have you clear your mind or focus on only one thing. Vipassana is virtually the opposite, inviting you to unearth things about yourself.

Unlike these practices which discourage the movement of the mind, Vipassana meditation allows its students to explore and gaze at their thoughts from afar. You would then train your mind to reflect on your life experiences and view them objectively. Peeling them away layer by layer, you would ultimately be able to walk logically through your thought processes.

How to begin:

The simplest way to begin Vipassana meditation is to observe your breathing. Imagine your thoughts coming and going with the breath. Do not allow the thoughts to linger or be developed further beyond that one breath. This practice helps to relieve anxiety because anxiety is sometimes a result of thoughts being fleshed out to an irrational point.

Downsides:

This practice takes a lot of control. The mind’s natural tendency is to wander and see thoughts to fruition, but Vipassana asks you to allow thoughts to come and go like waves. Detached observation is often difficult for beginners.

Float tank (sensory deprivation)

Floating is a form of sensory deprivation. Its popularity is definitely arising because it can accommodate many abilities. Floating is done in a small tank filled with roughly 10-12 inches of water. The water contains around 800 pounds of Epsom salt, making it more buoyant than the Dead Sea.

In a float center, eliminating stimulus is the primary endeavor. The water is the same temperature as your body, so you don’t experience being too hot or cold. The room is completely dark, and the sound is nonexistent. Floats are usually done in 60-90 minute increments.

Remember the friend I told you about who said she was incapable of meditating? For her birthday, I surprised her with a 90-minute float. Honestly, I thought she would balk. Thankfully, I was wrong! She described the experience like floating in space, not being able to differentiate between water and air.

The benefits are medicinal in many ways. The calm sensory environment aids concentration, but the zero-gravity effect can help with back pain and stimulate sleep that’s equal to 4 hours of REM cycle sleep.

How to begin:

Obviously, you’ll need to find a facility that specializes in floating. The first visit is the most difficult because your body will take to allow the salts and sensory deprivation to relax your mind. Once you fall into a dreamlike state, though, then you’ll be able to implement your own specific practice.

Downsides:

Floating is expensive. Cost is usually not an object of meditation, so this alone could prevent you from experiencing floatation. Even if you could afford a float or two, meditation is recommended to be practiced often, so consistency would be difficult. Another downside (for Stranger Things fans only): unless you are Eleven, you’re not promised a visit to the Upsidedown dimension.

Guided meditation (instruction & response)

Guided meditation is probably the best practice if you’re a beginner. Most times you’ll have a narrator lead you through a practice. Whether the practice is about breathing or self-esteem, the scripts are designed to give your mind specific tasks that will reign in excessive thought.

When our brains create thought, we are also creating neural pathways. The more reinforcement we give to those pathways, the more likely we are to live into those thoughts. Our brains are programmed to absorb information and react to certain environments based on previous experience. How amazing that we hold the key to reformatting our minds to think more positively.

How to begin:

Getting started with guided meditation is simple. First, it’s important to choose an objective for your meditations. Since there is a vocally programmed aspect, you’ll want to feel that your script is beneficial. Are you wanting to quell anxiety or increase positivity?

Stay tuned for the segment later in the blog where we cover meditation apps that might assist you with guided meditations!

Downsides:

Guided meditation requires some outside resources like a program or application on your phone. Other options may include group meditation, but you might feel that this will prevent you from complete relaxation.

Check out this guided meditation to help with over-thinking.

Chakra meditation (personal inventory)

Chakra is an Indian form of thought which breaks down the body into a column of energy centers, each signifying a different color and trait. The 7 chakras correspond to our physical, emotional, and spiritual processes and, according to ancient Hindu healers, can become blocked.

Meditation and yoga are two of the most common ways to realign and unblock your chakras. Before I introduce you to a Chakra balancing meditation, let’s learn about each energy segment, starting from the bottom.

Red — The Root

The lowest chakra is at the base of the spine or the pelvic floor and is associated with concepts which ground you—basic instincts like shelter, self-preservation, and safety. Blockages in this chakra result in colon issues, lower back pain, and fear/anxiety

Orange — The Sacral

The next chakra is located between your navel and pelvic bone and is associated with your sexual nature—passion, joy, and complete wellness. Blockages in the sacral chakra include aversion to change, sexual dysfunction, or addiction.

Yellow —The Solar Plexus

The yellow chakra is located in your belly just below the ribcage and connects you to self-control and power. Blockages in the solar plexus result in moods of self-deprecation, poor time management, and digestive issues.

Green — The Heart

As it indicates, this chakra is located in your chest and is centered in love. The chakra, at its best, promotes goodwill and absolution. Blockages in the heart promote anger management issues, inability to cope with grief, and grudges.

Blue — The Throat

This blue chakra symbolizes communication and your ability to express yourself clearly without inhibition or fear of your own honesty. Blockages could result in trouble speaking your truth, shoulder/neck tension, and attention issues.

Indigo — The Third Eye

Located between your eyes, this chakra represents your brain and your vision. The purple energy dictates your ability to perceive and fine tunes your intuition. Blockages create poor judgment, erratic decision-making, and headaches.

Violet — The Crown

The crown chakra, like its location, is the highest energy and is related to spiritual connection. In its purest form, the violet chakra is fully conscious and aware of the universe. Disconnected, the crown chakra could make you feel isolated. Meditation is said to be most helpful for this energy source. During these times of mindfulness, your 7 chakras are at total, clear alignment.

How to begin:

The best way to begin Chakra-style mediation is to be familiar with the 7 chakras. Study the energies. What color holds your insufficiencies? What colors are your strengths? Once you underwent the colors and their connection to your mind and body, listen to a guided Chakra meditation for help navigating the blockages (see below).

Downsides:

As information-rich and enlightening as Chakras are, they are also abstract. Studying Chakras may be something you want to tackle down the road in your meditation journey. No sense in overloading your mind when you’re trying to silence it!

Forest bathing (gentle wandering)

What do you think of when you hear forest bathing? When I first heard it, I thought, You mean just being in the woods? Well, I go trail running, so this is nothing new to me. Who’s profiting from this glorified hiking class?

Then I took some time to research. Developed in the 1980’s, this Japanese form of healing helps converge nature and mindfulness in its students. It incorporates a slow walk through quiet woods, breathing exercises, and observation. You’re invited to use all your senses to connect with nature—seeing the green, hearing the birds, feeling the textures around you. (Another common misconception debunked: it’s not a bath, so you don’t need swim trunks).

Think about the objective of a hike or a trail run. The goals are finishing or having a defined destination. These add an element of rushed urgency to something that we assume is peaceful—not to mention, high elevation hikes or runs take a lot of conditioning. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel very peaceful when I’m out of breath.

How to begin:

Forest bathing can be as simple or as complex as you’d like. There are some programs and retreats you can attend which educate and guide you through the process. Another option is just to walk trails on your own and connect with your senses.

Downsides:

Some city dwellers may not have easy access to a forest. That’s okay. Find any green space or park. It may not offer the quietness you need, but the main thing is surrounding yourself with green.

Benefits of Meditation

Lowers anxiety

Mindfulness is scientifically proven to lower anxiety. By teaching the mind to detach from worry, you automatically lower stress and reduce the physical toll that anxiety takes (i.e. insomnia, muscle aches, easy startle reflex).

Meditation teaches chronic worriers to quiet an active mind. Training yourself to halt the broken record of your mind’s worst case scenarios is not easy. It’s definitely not relaxing at first. But keep trying. The results outweigh the effort.

Increases awareness

One of the main components of meditation is the self-awareness. Practices may be different, but a common thread is the attention it brings. Whether you’re tracking your breathing, guiding your thoughts, or listening to birds in the forest, you’re making an effort at awareness.

Meditation, in all its forms, calls for slow movement—unhurried, gentle thoughts as well as heedful physical movements. This world revolves around quickness and convenience these days, so it’s no wonder that the simple act of slowing down can improve your grasp on the nuances of life.

Mindfulness creates control

Our minds are hardwired to absorb tons of sensory information and interpret it. Not many moments go by when your mind isn’t working, worrying, planning, or wandering—except for when you’re meditating, that is. You already know that control is difficult. Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried dieting. I see you.

The willpower involving food choices is tough, but at least these actions and reactions are slower (i.e. grocery shopping, ordering at a restaurant) Thoughts appear and vanish instantly, so controlling this traffic successfully creates a master of control.

Being present in our bodies helps us appreciate its function

Meditation asks you to dive deep. Listening to your breathing and the rhythm of your heart can only be a rote part of the process for so long. But when you really begin to investigate your vessel through mediation, you may find yourself grateful and amazed.

Gratitude can be a wonderful focal point during concentration meditations. The Chakra mediation we covered earlier is the perfect application for this type of appreciation. The presence of mind you’ll have while exploring your Chakras will help you learn a lot about your physical and spiritual qualities.

Meditation Postures

Sitting

Quarter Lotus (Burmese)

The quarter lotus is a fancier name for sitting with your legs crossed (or as my preschool teacher would say—criss cross applesauce). For added comfort, I would recommend sitting on a folded towel to elevate your hips. This will relieve pressure on your knees and ankles.

Full Lotus

Full lotus position is probably the 2nd most common association with meditation behind chanting ooommmmmm. It’s the pose we all envision. Instead of crossing feet under the knee, you pull your feet up to rest on your thigh.

Since the full lotus is intermediate to advanced, I only recommend you try this one if you already have pretty loose hips or your only plan on short meditations. If you have knee injuries, definitely avoid this pose.

Seated in Chair

This may not be the most picturesque pose, but it works for some people. If you think sitting down with your legs crossed will cause pain or discomfort, definitely choose the chair method. The point of mediation is to not fixate on distractions, so if your legs fall asleep due to poor circulation, that won’t exactly propel you toward deep relaxation.

For chair pose, sit up and don’t let your back rest against the chair. Your chest should be lifted and your feet planted firmly on the floor.

Lying down

There’s some controversy around horizontal mediation positions because it could tempt you to fall asleep. Although sleep is positive (definitely means you’re chill), it’s not exactly the goal of meditation. If you have the self-control to remain conscious, try these yoga-inspired poses.

Corpse Pose (Savasana)

This is my favorite yoga pose. Of course, you’re probably saying, because it’s lying on your back doing nothing. Well, you’re partly right, but in my defense, it’s not as easy as it looks. Sure, you can be stretched out on your back, but what is your mind doing? You’re either asleep or worrying if the chicken will be thawed by dinner time.

Corpse pose could be the most difficult to master. It’s not about the position as much as your consciousness while in savasana. You’re lying horizontal, palms facing up. You’re breathing with intention, eyes closed.

Supta Baddha Konasana (Bolstered Hip Opener)

This one’s a mouthful, but here’s what’s up. Also a horizontal position, this pose is often done in restorative yoga practices. You’ll be on your back with your legs in a butterfly position (soles of your feet together, heels pulled toward your groin) with a bolster pillow under your shoulders. I’ve taken part in a restorative yoga session before, and I really liked this pose.

This position opens your hips and aligns your spine. Pop quiz: which Chakra would you be using in this meditative position? (Hint: orange)

Mindful Movement

Is movement a position? Not necessarily, but because meditation has evolved, so must posture. Think about forest bathing. Though it’s perfectly okay to sit and bask in nature, the specific forest bathing technique requires slow wandering. I think this is just another way you can be present in your body and be aware of subtleties of movement.

Meditation Apps

Using apps on your phone may seem like it’s defeating the purpose of detaching and focusing, but I’m liking this option. I need the incentive to stay on task and build a habit. Whether that’s a monthly payment or simply seeing the app button on my home screen, I think we could all use a boost.

For sake of brevity (there are hundreds of apps out there), I’m gonna categorize them based on some specific factors. Here you go:

10% happier (for the skeptics)

This app was created to combat the skeptics who think meditation is sitting cross-legged on a mountain ledge at dawn chanting in Sanskrit. Phew! Good thing I’m here to change your mind! You could be missing out on some real ambient chill.

10% Happier addresses the science behind the ooommmm. There’s a lot of commentary, explanation, and basic practices to get you started.

Price: Free with limited features, $11.99 per month

Buddhify (for the indecisive)

To me, this program is the most aesthetically pleasing and is seemingly user friendly. The app opens with a color wheel inviting you to select your mood. Instead of stressing yourself out scrolling through options, just let your mood select the style. There are also a ton of guided meditations if you need some help navigating your thoughts.

Price: $2.99–$4.99

Smiling mind (for the budget conscious)

This app is free! Are you sold yet? If not, check out these specs: the app chooses meditations based on your personality/career and tracks your progress. It was developed by psychologists and other healthcare professionals, so it’s free and trustworthy. Can’t beat that.

Price: Freeeeeeee

Headspace (for the best of everything)

This is the most compressive app of all. Forbes named this app one of its top choices, and for good reason. Tons of categorized meditations are available for your ever-shifting days and moods. There’s even an SOS feature for, particularly rough days. You can even have accountability check-ins with other app users!

Price: Free with limited features; $12.99 per month

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Are meditation and prayer the same thing?

A: This is a tricky question. A lot of people get confused or hesitant about starting any meditation practices because it seems associated with religion. Although its roots are in Asian culture and religion, no one is forcing you to submit or pray to a higher Being if you don’t choose to.

What meditation can offer is a vehicle or shell for your prayer. The seated posture, the inward-looking, and the quiet focus all lend themselves to great prayer environments no matter your faith. Faith-based guided meditations are a great way to incorporate both relaxation and religious practices into one sitting.

The largest difference I notice between prayer and meditation is where control is delegated. In non-prayer meditation, you are usually coached into being your mind’s own master—you and you alone are governing your sensory perceptions. Oftentimes in prayer, there is a submissive nature which relinquishes power to a higher Being.

Q: When is the best time of day to meditate?

A: Depending on the goal of your meditation, any time of day could work. If you need to channel energy and positivity, morning is a great choice. If you’re attempting to diffuse anxiety or a tough situation during the day, maybe a few minutes on your lunch hour. If relaxation is what you’re after, try meditating before bedtime as a sort of sleep prep.

Q: How long should I meditate?

A: Don’t set yourself up for failure. Don’t jump in and attempt to quiet your mind for a whole hour. That’ll probably be the last time you meditate. Try 10 minutes at first to see how your body and mind react. Once you’ve mastered this timeframe, you can move up slowly.

I consider an average meditation to be around 30 minutes. With life as busy as it is, it’s hard to fit any more time in—especially since you’ll need to incorporate exercise and vigorous activity in at some point as well. Damn you, self-care!

Longer meditations of an hour or more are usually for the pros or for mediation-specific retreats.

Q: Should I close my eyes?

A: This is an excellent question and one that boils down to preference and how you react to stimuli. Though closing your eyes is most common and seems to promote focus, it can easily allow the mind to wander or drift off (to a rabbit hole of thought or to sleep!)

If you chose to practice with your eyes closed, you must find something to focus on—a consistent sound, your breathing, or the wind against your cheek.

With open eyes, it seems obvious that you might get distracted. Squirrel! But it might be simpler than you imagine. The key is to fixate on a focal point. Don’t place yourself in a visually busy spot. Find a consistent landscape, like a forest edge or a sunset. If you’re inside, focus on the collection of four-leaf clovers in a jar. Bottom line: understand how your mind works and what would allow you to focus.

I hope this guide has given you some insight into this therapeutic practice. For the skeptics, I hope you’re convinced that meditation is more than Yoda and lots of ooommmm. For seasoned meditators, I hope this has given you more tools and more angles to mix up your practice.

For the slackers like me, I hope this has reignited your energy toward bettering your mind. I don’t know about you, but after this post, I’m going to tend to my blue Chakra and stare at some trees.

Happy meditating!

For more articles like this, see FitnessGoat.com.

Jamal Bara

Sources

1- What exactly is Vipassana Meditation?

2- Your 7 Chakras, Explained

3- Shinrin Yoku Forest Bathing

4- What is Self Awareness?

5- Gratitude Meditation

6- Deepen Your Meditation: Eyes Closed vs Eyes Open

For more helpful information on meditation, as well as gift ideas for your fellow yogis, visit relaxlikeaboss.com/best-meditation-gifts.

Law of Attraction Success Story: “I Became My Highest Self”

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Contributor: Anonymous

A few years back, I read a little-known book by Neale Donald Walsch called Questions and Answers on Conversations With God. In it, a reader asks if the author knows any way to speed up one’s process of reaching enlightenment—you know, kind of like a shortcut. Not surprisingly, Walsch says that he does. He advises the reader to write down in great detail what her highest and grandest vision of herself would look like—then to begin to act as if that was who she was right now.

I thought this was great advice, and since I’d never actually made a list like this before, recently I decided to give it a go. Then, I decided, I’d assess which of the changes I could take on, and which I would have to save for later.

Here is what I wrote.

I am a woman who:

•Smiles when she looks in the mirror.

•Does not criticize herself or others over superficialities.

•Does not believe she is superior to others.

•Does not have any negative thoughts at all; is relentlessly optimistic.

•Takes full responsibility for her choices.

•Is honest with others whenever possible, and always with herself.

•Wears only comfortable clothes.

•Does not spend a great deal of money, time or attention on her physical appearance.

•Spends time every morning in prayer and meditation.

•Frequently practices the activities that she’s passionate about.

•Takes her time. Enjoys the small moments of her day. Does not rush. Pays attention to people. Does not crowd her schedule.

After completing the list, I looked it over, and realized something: I was already most of the way there. I also realized that everything on the list–every last thing–was achievable, not just for me, but for anyone.

Sometimes, spiritual-minded people like us start to get mired in self-doubt. We hear about a new spiritual practice, a new technique, and we think, If only I could do that, I’d get enlightened. Today, I ask you to consider not where you’re going, but where you’ve been. How far have you already come on your spiritual journey? I encourage you do make a list like mine, then appreciate how close to your highest self you already are.

Are you a good mother? A good partner? A good friend? Do you practice kindness, give to charity?

My guess is that you do.

And so, maybe–just maybe–we’re further along than we think. Maybe enlightenment isn’t the mystery it’s made out to be.

Maybe we’re on our way to true inner peace.

How thrilling this is, when you think about it.

Thank you, Mr. Walsch, for the inspiration.

Law of Attraction Success Story: "I Got a Great Job"

Contributor: Anonymous

A few years back, I got an unexpected, though common, gift. That gift was simply an Inkling.

I’m not sure who gave it to me, exactly. Maybe God or my Higher Self, or maybe just age and wisdom. Wherever it came from, this inkling—this distinct feeling in my gut—was that soon, I’d come across an excellent job opportunity, and I was supposed to take it. Along with this thought came the phrase “one year.”

I considered the idea. But I’m a stay-at-home mom, I reasoned. I had this all figured out.

And yet, over several weeks, the feeling persisted, so I stored the idea in a safe place in my mind.

Soon after that, at my first child’s six-month checkup, the doctor and I were discussing working and I told her I’d finally made the difficult decision to sacrifice the extra income and stay at home. She nodded approvingly.

“I stayed home with my baby for one year,” she said. “That was just about right for me.”

When she said this, the words sounded different than words normally do. They stood out, became almost three-dimensional. I knew what was happening: I was getting another Inkling.

Dawn will be a year old in November, I realized. Maybe that’s when this job opportunity will come.

A few months later, my husband heard about an excellent weekends-only position, and he encouraged me to apply. I hadn’t told him anything about my prediction, and I still didn’t; I just let him convince me.

“The job is perfect for you,” he said. “I mean, it’s nothing you’ve done before. But you could learn. And you could make a lot of money. It couldn’t hurt to try it out.”

As he spoke, that feeling returned.

“Do you think I could really do it?” I asked.

“I really do,” he said, though he was fully aware of my inexperience in this field.

“Who is going to teach me what I need to know?” I asked.

He said he would, and soon after that, we began.

This happened in September or so, and knowing that I had until November to learn everything I needed to know, progress at first was slow.

Then November came. Sometime in the middle of the month, my husband got a call from his job agent.

“You know that job that your wife is going to interview for?” he said. “Well, the salary just doubled.”

Here’s the thing: The pay was really good before. Now they were considering adding a few extra responsibilities—rolling two very part-time jobs into one slightly less part-time job. When my husband told me what he just heard, I almost didn’t believe it. And yet, somehow, I did.

“There is bad news, too,” he said. “Now you have competition.”

See, my ace-in-the-hole before was that no one else really wanted a two-day a week, weekend-only job. With the pay increase, they surely would. I had to start taking this interview a little more seriously.

The weeks that followed took on a quality that I can only describe as cinematic. All day, every day, the number that represented the amount of money I’d be making per year if this interview went well looped through in my mind. And all day, every day, I studied.

After re-reading the books the agent provided me with and taking two or three times as many notes as I had the first time through, I still felt unprepared. I asked my husband if there was anything more I could do or read. He didn’t think there was, but I knew better. With two weeks left before the interview, I went to the library and checked out two armloads of books. I didn’t just study computer security, though; I studied all of the basics of computer science: the way operating systems worked, computer networking and more. Each morning after changing the baby and making my coffee, I sat down at my reading station in the playroom and took up where I left off. And other than a walk or two and a Thanksgiving dinner at a friend’s house, that is where I stayed—for an entire week straight.

The following week was much more relaxed. I spent the time reviewing my notes (the third or fourth iteration as I added to them and rewrote them during the course of my reading and my long explanatory conversations with my husband, who was more useful to me by far than any book). I peeked at the subject heading of a page, then attempted to recall out loud everything that was written on that page. By the day of the interview, I felt that I was not just prepared—I was overprepared.

And as it turned out, I was right.

The interview took place on a weekday between Thanksgiving and Christmas when it is very cold and foggy outside and everything takes on that special holiday quality, even mundane activities related to work. Two days earlier I had selected the perfect outfit: not too dressy, not too casual, not too black. I had also tried on the nicest pair of pants I own, the ones that are sometimes (okay, most of the time) just a little too tight—and they fit perfectly. They looked on me just like the saleslady would’ve wanted them to.

And then there was my hair. Being of the medium length and fast-growing variety, my hair is most often either too short (right after the haircut) or—seemingly just a few weeks later—too long and starting to get shabby. The week of the interview, however, I was smack in the middle of one of those rare moments when it was as Goldilocks would have celebrated it.

It was just right.

And so, I looked good. I was mentally prepared. I was fairly confident—though nervous, I wasn’t actually shaking. I knew that a big part of pulling this off would be to give the solid impression that I did not doubt myself in the slightest.

And that is what I did.

When the interview began, I channeled all of my nerves out of my brain and face, right down into my neck. In so doing, I injured my neck. But my facial expressions were calm and relaxed, and my answers were, too. Once in a while, after a particularly hard question, an alarm would go off in my head that went something like: “You don’t know the answer. You don’t know the answer.” But remembering that poise was more important than anything, and that whatever happened it was okay and would work out in the way is was meant to work out, I squashed those alarms in my head with a quickness. Then I remembered the answer.

The only question I flubbed was the last one, and by then I had already subtly complimented the person I knew would be my immediate supervisor twice and made  the whole room (there were three interviewers) laugh at least once.

Leaving the room, I knew I had done well.

When it was over, I went to my car and waited for my agent to meet me there. He took a long time. Finally, he did arrive. Then he asked me how I thought it went.

“I aced it,” I said, stretching my neck in every direction, wondering how I could injure it so painfully while barely making use of any muscle in my body except those that allowed me to sit up straight. “It was almost too easy. I wish it had been harder so that the other two candidates would have less of a chance.”

“Well, that won’t be a problem,” my agent told me. “They’re not going to interview anyone else. You got the job.”

It was five days before my neck returned to normal.

At the steakhouse where my husband, my agent and I went after the interview to celebrate, the agent told us that the second part of the job may or may not come through, depending on a couple of internal decisions yet to be made. He also said that due to my inexperience in the field I barely squeaked by in the interview, and that they were hiring me on a trial basis.

Hearing this, I smiled. “I’ll do great,” I told him. “And I’ll get that extra pay as well.”

And that is what I did.

Later I realized that the week that I started my intensive study for the interview was the week that my baby turned one year old.

Self-Help Success Story: Jenny Thorne: “My Daily Recipe for Staying Mostly Depression-Free”

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Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

This self-help success story was contributed by Jenny Thorne.

There is no cure for depression. At least not one that works for everyone. Medication works a bit, and exercise helps a ton. But none of these things–even lots of meditation–won’t get you all the way.

However, in my experience, there are cures (note the plural): complex, sometimes time-consuming combinations of factors that can work together and give you relief.

Here’s my depression success story and the particular combination of coping mechanisms that work best for me.

Once upon a time, I was four years old. And even then, I was the serious girl. Nothing wrong with that–my mom called me “sensitive” and my dad said I had a “cute, worried expression.” But right before their eyes, and without any of us knowing it, I started, slowly, to withdraw. In the second grade my best friend moved away, and I had very few others as backups. I became shyer and shyer till, caught in the coming-of-age pre-junior high school years (fifth and sixth grades), I was really suffering. I hated how I looked. I had no close friends. At recess I hid in the bathroom or under the schoolyard stairs. I didn’t want anyone to see me sitting alone, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone and face rejection.

In Junior High School, I realized I had a problem. It wasn’t their fault that I was shy; it was mine. I went to a new school, made the same mistakes, and the outcome was the same, too. In the eighth grade, I hid in the bathroom every day, and though I made a few friends, they weren’t close. One day I read an article in my aspirational reading of choice–Seventeen magazine–about a girl who realized she had depression. She said that she figured it out after while riding a city bus, she burst into tears for no reason.

That’s ridiculous, I thought. I do that all the time. It sounds pretty normal to me.

But the thought sunk in, and soon after that, I realized I was depressed, too.

My first attempt at overcoming depression was a spiritual one. As a fundamentalist Christian, I knew the answer to all pain, all difficulties was faith. I also knew that I wouldn’t feel better until I got on the right path, and stayed there. If I only prayed enough, read the Bible enough–really committed to God–I would feel the love and job of knowing him. And the depression would be gone.

The plan didn’t succeed.

High school passed in perfectionistic frustration. Then college, then a few lovely years after graduation. My determined mindset helped me get rid of my shyness completely, and pursue a few other goals successfully. I got a job I love–waitressing–as well as a college degree and a house. And I started liking myself a lot more–even how I looked. I gained confidence, but my ultimate goal still eluded me–that of fully overcoming depression.

I still haven’t fully overcome it.

And yet, I have overcome a lot of it. Most of it, in fact. And I did it in two major ways. First, I dealt with the basics: I got a job, independence, a few friendships, a place to live. After that, I started refining my methods.

Here is my daily recipe for my mostly happy, sometimes joyful, and always deeply grateful state of mind.

  • I exercise most days for at least forty minutes. Sometimes, I exaggerate. Like the other week when I told my friend exercise is a cure for depression. It’s not. And yet, it sort of is. Because without my long walks, I’m not sure I’d be able to stay mentally healthy. For me, this is the absolute number one technique I recommend to overcome depression–even more so than spiritual practice. My personal habit is to take long walks with my kids. I often carry the baby and push the two-year-old on the stroller while my five-year old follows on his bicycle.
  • I get outside for at least an hour most days. Rain or shine, outside time is a must. I feel better almost as soon as I step out onto the porch. I take the kids to the park or we walk to the store or to a play area. In fact, I almost never drive a car, even though I have one.
  • I meditate briefly each day and pursue other spiritual practices. My meditation practice consists of repeating a loving mantra several times for several minutes, or just allowing myself to sit still and notice the thoughts that come, then refocus on my “inner body”–the sensations I feel in my hands and feet and breath. I also try to consult my inner guidance on a daily, sometimes hour by hour basis as I consider what to do next, or what decision to make. This helps me greatly. Finally, when a thought comes that is particularly stressful, I journal it, Byron Katie-style. For more information on all of my spiritual practices, see my Spiritual Practice Success Stories and Depression Success Stories on mollieplayer.com.)
  • I limit my junk food intake. Healthy food tastes good, too. It really does. I don’t limit fat and I focus on protein and vegetables. (I allow myself a few treats, too.)
  • I have hobbies I truly love: reading, writing, and gardening. The value of having at least one endless project cannot be overstated. I love feeling productive, and all three of these hobbies feels valuable and fun. I get the pleasure of the activity itself, plus the knowledge that I’m doing something worthwhile. If you don’t have a job, at least get a difficult, long-term, highly involved hobby.
  • I keep my house clean. For me, cleaning is relaxing. It gives me a sense of control and order. I love home organization, too.
  • I only wear clothes that feel good on my body and that I feel I look good in. This is huge, and took me a long time to learn. I hardly ever wear those “cute” clothes that other people say look good on me. I wear a uniform every day: black pants, a crisp T-shirt and maybe a sweater.
  • I keep my weight down. For me, feeling bloated causes anxiety. Though I don’t necessarily think extra weight looks bad on other people, I choose to do what it takes to keep my weight down (i.e. diet). For me, the tradeoff is worth it.
  • I take medication. Does it work? Yeah, a little. This is especially important and helpful in the winter.
  • I work hard. I stay busy. Staying busy is huge. Huge! The days fly by, and in the evening you can look forward to a TV show or a good book knowing that you did your work for the day already.
  • I do work I love, namely, writing and being a mom. For people with depression, work enjoyment is even more important than for others. I don’t make a ton of money, but I wouldn’t trade my work lifestyle for anything.
  • I spend time with good friends several time per week. Ah, friendship. This is a hard one for me. I’m a busy mom, after all. But I fold my friendship time into my mom time with lots of play dates, and once a month we have family friends over for dinner. Such an uplifting experience.
  • I don’t overschedule my days. I try to take things at my own pace, and the pace of good parenting. If you are prone to anger or anxiety, overscheduling is a huge problem. Though I love to keep busy, I choose projects that I can do at my own pace and on my own schedule. I only schedule one outing per day with the kids, and I make it a life rule to rarely leave the house in the evening. (Family time!)
  • I try not to yell at anyone. Conflict is such an emotional drain. Most of my relationship difficulties are handled in a calm, low-key manner. I just hate being in a fight.
  • I prioritize sleep. I don’t have a TV or computer addiction. In fact, addictions of all kinds scare me. I watch TV a few times a week, and go to bed at the same time my kids do. For alone time, I get a babysitter three times per week.
  • I try to do all the little “shoulds” we all have for ourselves, while also trying not to do too much. It is a balance. Such a tricky, precarious balance. But I’ve found that for me, there’s no way around it.

So, the list is long, I know. Maybe even a bit intimidating. Depression is such a huge, demanding thing.

There are no easy answers. But there are answers. And hey–that’s better than nothing.

Besides, all this self-improvement stuff? It doesn’t just keep my depression at bay. It makes me a better person, too. Most of it is stuff even someone who doesn’t have depression would benefit from. The main difference is that I feel I have no choice. Drop the ball on any two of these, and rough days are ahead. It’s not a self-pity thing; it’s just true.

I do remain hopeful that one day, my depression will be healed entirely. It happened to my dad and many others. Either way, I (mostly) accept myself right where I’m at. This is my life, and it’s a good one.

I’m blessed.

Self-Help Success Story: Jenny Thorne: "Eckhart Tolle’s No-Mind Meditation Is Great. But So Is Thinking Sometimes"

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Photo by Anni Roenkae on Pexels.com

This self-help success story was contributed by Jenny Thorne.

The first time I read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I thought it was total crap. Okay, maybe “total crap” is an exaggeration. But definitely impossible, impractical and, worst of all, unpleasant. Not thinking about the future? Just paying attention to the Now? Sounds like the fast track to loserhood.

As a person struggling with depression and using any non-substance-based strategy I could think of to manage it, the advice sounded particularly terrible. I could do without past obsession pretty well–never’ve been much of a grudge-holder. But I needed–depended on–obsessing about my future. The future is when I would have everything I wanted: kids, a house, a great career. My plans for things to come and my determination to work hard towards them were pretty much what I lived for.

Stop thinking about the future? Stop thinking at all? Won’t that take away my hope, my reason for living?

The second time I read The Power of Now, I understood the concept a bit better. Oh, I don’t have to stop thinking entirely. I can think without being neurotic, and with long breaks. That actually sounds pretty cool.

Maybe I’ll try that someday. First, I have stuff to get done.

The third time I read The Power of Now, I finally had a breakthrough. The book taught me how to meditate, and how to absolutely love meditating. And now, it’s one of my very favorite books.

That’s another story, though. For today, we focus on this whole fascinating not-thinking thing, particularly whether or not it can help with depression.

Some people call it no-mind meditation, and I don’t think I’m the only one who’s ever cursed Eckhart Tolle or another teacher for telling her to try it. Being completely “present,” without plans or goals, as Tolle calls it, doesn’t come naturally to us human-types. In fact, it goes against pretty much our entire biology.

We think. We assess. We assume. We make decisions. Sometimes all in less than a single second. It’s one of our strengths and one of our weaknesses. But apparently, we can learn to overcome it.

But do we want to? And if so, how much thinking is the right amount, especially when you’re trying to overcome depression?

There’s no one right answer, but here’s my experience.

Achieving or attempting to achieve the so-called “no-mind” state helps us greatly. It makes us happier. It definitely eliminates depression. The problem: oh my goodness, it takes a lot of time. Unless you’re committed to Buddhist-like meditation sessions on a daily basis, your results may be very slow to come.

I love meditation. I definitely like to take breaks from thought, and when I have obsessive or anxious mind patterns, I realize it’s time to chill a bit. I clear my head by repeating a calming mantra, doing The Work or doing a “brain dump” on paper, and these techniques usually work pretty well.

But soon after that, I’m back to thinking.

And I’m okay with that.

Don’t get me wrong: on a bad day, I could use a lot more of this no-mind stuff. But on a good day, a lot of my thinking isn’t so terrible. It’s not the anxiety-producing stuff we all know is unhealthy. It’s just thinking–just plain old planning, reading, writing and working. Sometimes I even manage pleasant, pointless pondering. Today, for instance, I found myself lost in contemplation about the economics of private dentistry practice. Important? Not really. Interesting? Just a bit. Stressful? Well, not to me. On a good day, a lot of my thinking is like that. It’s not particularly harmful, or particularly anything.

It’s just thinking.

Of course, I also do the did-I-say-something-wrong what-does-she-think-of-me-now type stuff. But when I catch it, I’m often able to refocus pretty well.

One fine day, I’d love to experience the state of no-thought Tolle talks about. But I don’t plan to meditate for thirty years to get there.

Final thought: I’ve read all of Tolle’s books, and I couldn’t recommend them more highly. But I’ve also listened to the audio recordings of many of his conferences, and I can’t say the same. At the beginning of each, he makes a statement to the effect of, “I didn’t plan what I’m going to say today at all.” Yeah, Tolle, I get it; you’re inspired, “in the flow.” The words don’t matter as much as the spiritual energy you impart. But that doesn’t mean they’re useless, and it doesn’t mean thinking and planning is useless. Your conference speeches could do with a tad more forethought. (But you’re wonderful anyway, and thank you, thank you, thank you.)

Self-Help Success Story: Jenny Thorne: “My Monthly Checklist Is My Secret Weapon”

This self-help success story was contributed by Jenny Thorne.

I love advice. Love getting it. Love giving it. But there’s a problem with advice: We often don’t take it. And usually, it isn’t because we don’t want to, or don’t intend to. Usually, it’s because we forget.

Think about it: How many times have you read a parenting book or a marriage book, then followed its suggestions to the letter—for about a week? After that, our resolve blurs. We focus on other things, and our best intentions move into our peripheral vision, or even into the background.

Which is where my resolution solution comes in.

Often, when there’s something about my life I’d like to change, I first write down all of my related goals. The process of writing and thinking them through clarifies my intentions and makes my lessons more concrete and practical. It also stores them in my subconscious.

Nothing revolutionary so far. Here comes the real trick: I set the list of resolutions aside. A list that long does me no good; there’s no way I’m going to reread them every day. I put them in a place easily remembered and located later, when I’m struggling to carry them out—in my case, in a special file on my computer. Then I distill down the resolutions into a few concrete actions—just one or two. And I add them to my Monthly Checklist. I give myself an X every time I complete one of the actions, and by month’s end, I can see and appreciate my progress.

My Monthly Checklist isn’t your ordinary checklist. It’s an ongoing to-do list, one that incorporates all–and I do mean all–of my personal and professional goals, including writing, parenting, educational, marriage, exercise, spiritual, friendship goals and more. (Yeah—my checklist is really, really long.)

So maybe it’s corny. But it works; I swear it does. The checklist keeps me accountable, and reminds me of what I am working towards.

My goals don’t live in the back of my mind somewhere anymore. They live with me, and I interact with them several times each week.

Here is a partial example of my list. This one is from December of last year:

December 2017:

  • One day of meditation: 30x –
  • One glass of water drank: 30x –
  • One exercise session: 20x –
  • One reading time with kids: 10x –
  • One family chore time: 4x –
  • One TV show or total break time: 4x –
  • One random act of kindness: 4x –
  • One podcast or audiobook for kids: 2x –
  • One hour of educational music for kids: 2x –
  • One dinner with friends: 1x –
  • One family meeting: 1x –

My Monthly Checklist is my secret weapon. Seriously.

Law of Attraction Success Story: "I Became a Stay-at-Home Mom"

Contributor: Anonymous

A month before we had our second child, my husband and I bought a house. We’d looked for eight months for the right one and when we finally found it we were very glad we’d waited.

It was perfect.

The neighborhood is modest and quiet and all grown over with trees. The location is central–just a short drive to anywhere we need to go. And the house, itself, is just our style: three bedrooms, two baths, one story, with vaulted ceilings, hardwood floors and a very simple charm. Though when we initially envisioned our future home with four kids running around in it we thought we’d need to upgrade, ever since moving in I’ve told my husband that I don’t care how many kids we have and who has to share a bedroom.

I never want to leave.

Anyway, the house wasn’t cheap. And neither are the many bills that come along with home ownership. And neither was the new car that we bought right after that. And so, when the baby was born I decided to continue working part-time.

A few months into motherhood, I got a great freelance gig. It was just the kind of thing I love doing—a corporate blog—and I could work mostly from home. At the time, I figured it was probably a law of attraction thing—the right gig at the right time, and all that.

But that was before I got fired.

Why did it happen? Well, to make a long story short, my client was more conservative than I was—way more conservative—and didn’t like the risks I was taking. So they decided I just wasn’t a “good fit.”

And that was how that went.

Normally when something like this happens, I don’t worry about it very much; there are always other clients, other projects. This time, though, it was different. This job felt so perfect for me and I thought I was doing such good work, I thought. Why didn’t this work out?

And then I thought about it some more.

I remembered the difficult phone interview when my phone wouldn’t work right and I had to drive to a nearby park and call them back. I remembered how hard it was to say goodbye to my then-five-month-old, and my uncertainties about our nanny.

And I remembered the voice inside my head saying, I just want to be a mom.

One night shortly after getting fired, my husband and I went to dinner for our anniversary. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate, but I went anyway, more out of a feeling of duty than anything. As we sat there waiting for our food I told Jeff that something felt off to me lately, but I didn’t know quite what.

I looked around the restaurant. There were three small babies nearby—one at the table behind Jeff, one at the table behind me, and one at the table next to us. Suddenly, I had a realization.

“Jeff,” I said. “I want to fire the nanny.”

Jeff was surprised. “Are you sure?” he asked.

“No, I’m not sure. I love working. But–I don’t know. Something is feeling off. No matter what I do, how well my work day goes, all I can think about all day is my kid.

“We don’t need the money, Hon. He should be with me.”

“Okay,” said Jeff. “If that’s what you want to do.”

And that’s when I noticed it: a sense of peace. A radiating calm. It came over me suddenly, and I laughed out loud.

“I feel so much better now,” I said. “Wow. That was a relief. I haven’t felt this good in weeks.”

My higher self had finally gotten my attention.

For the rest of our date, Jeff and I enjoyed ourselves greatly. Afterwards we took a long, aimless drive and just talked.

It was a wonderful anniversary after all.

Here is what I wrote in my journal several months later:

Lonnie is over five months old now, and I find that I don’t want to write my books anymore, and I still don’t want to have a nanny, and all I freaking want to do is to stare at my baby’s face while he nurses, while he sleeps, while he cries, and to rock him and to hold him and to tell him that everything is going to be okay.

Last night, I slept from midnight until almost nine thirty. Every time Xavier awoke or stirred, I rolled over and did the most beautiful thing in the world: I fed my baby. Then I fell back asleep. There was one diaper change around seven, easily accomplished. My husband slept next to us peacefully.

It was a glorious night.

I love being a stay-at-home mom. So much more than I ever thought I would. We go to parks. We take long car rides and do car naps. Sometimes after the baby falls asleep, I just pull into a parking lot and read a book.

And I’ve never been this important to anyone before—never. Not even close.

It feels really, really good.

And even though later I got a part-time job, and even now I still work a bit most days, it still does.

"The Naked House" is free today

The solution is almost always fewer things. That’s the Naked House philosophy in a nutshell, though the importance of top-notch organization (“a place for everything and everything in its place”), design unity, cleanliness and quality round out this book’s description of the most desirable, peaceful home in which to live. With a tongue-in-cheek, personal style, The Naked House is an inspiring but not-too-serious primer on cleaning, organizing and reducing clutter—and on changing the way you view the purpose and soul of your home.

Get your copy for 99 cents on Amazon today, or on Smashwords or NoiseTrade for free.

Here’s a recent reader review:

“If you are beguiled by the simplicity movement, as I am, you are going to relish this book. A small caveat: I’m already a Mollie Player fan. This is the third book of hers I’ve read . . . and I’m a regular follower of her blog.

“This only stokes my admiration for what she’s able to pull off in these pages — the ability to quietly and repeatedly surprise. I read books by others whose blogs I follow, and often I find a too familiar feeling in them. Like I’ve heard it all before. With ‘The Naked House’ it feels warm and comfortable, like you’re chatting with a friend, for sure . . . but a friend who is regaling you with compelling ideas she never expressed before.

“‘The Naked House’ explores what it means to live simplicity zen. Though she doesn’t say it quite this way, the author takes seriously the idea that your home is a sanctuary for the soul. And you feel it in her prose. You feel the rich possibilities for real experience and connection that come from a decluttered home.

“I’ll be gifting this book to friends — it’s that important a read.”

Again, you can get your copy for 99 cents on Amazon today.

My Garbage Man Is Definitely a Hero

Image from the law of attraction book list featuring all major law of attraction authors at lawofattractionproject.com

The other week at my (awesome) Unitarian church, a woman I met during greeting time said this: “You have three kids? So you pretty much deserve the hero award just for waking up.”

It was sweet. Really sweet. I appreciated the compliment. But I didn’t know how to respond.

I tried this: “No, not at all. It’s not that bad, really.”

She said, “I have two kids, and parenting is the hardest thing I do,” and then my humility in disregarding her praise turned into hubris, right before my eyes. (This happens to me a lot.)

“That isn’t my experience,” I said cautiously. “So far, I like this job the best.” I wanted to say more, but the minister resumed the service.

I would love to talk to her again. And maybe I will. But for now, let me get something off my chest.

Parenting is hard. Super, super hard. Mostly because I don’t have a lot of free time. But here are some other things I don’t have: A set schedule; a time clock; work clothes; spreadsheets; deathly boredom; rush-hour traffic; a commute; meetings; pointless busywork; the feeling that I’m not making a difference; replacibility; burnt coffee; meetings; sitting in the same room every day, all day; office politics; dealing with people every day that disrespect me; customers; deadlines; sales pressure; fake smiles; the need to pretend to be busy; carpel tunnel; lack of creativity; lack of autonomy; lack of passion; hours and hours of socialization while on the clock; Sunday evening dread. And finally:
A boss.

So let’s take a moment to appreciate the bus drivers, office workers, clerks, managers and salespeople of the world. Especially that garbage man that always waves to my kids.

I think you guys are all heroes.

Self-Help Success Story: Anonymous: “If What You’re Doing Isn’t Working, Try Something Else”

This interview was contributed by an anonymous spiritual teacher and life coach.

Mollie: I want to talk to you about a huge topic, depression. So many people experience this, some for many years. I have struggled with it my entire remembered life, and am currently seeking total recovery. My first question is, what is depression, exactly? What causes it? 

Anonymous: Depression is caused by pushing down your energy, suppressing it.

Mollie: What is the primary technique you recommend for overcoming depression? 

Anonymous: Meditation is essential. The kind I practice is dynamic meditation, which incorporates physical activity and helps us expand our energy. This expansion and release can help with depression.

Mollie: Some people say it helps to welcome the depression, to allow it rather than to fight against it. What do you think? Does this work? Or should I just ignore it, not give it a voice? For me, it always seems to get worse when I focus on it, but maybe I need to do so anyway as a first step towards acceptance?

Anonymous: Don’t suppress it. Give it a voice, but don’t give the labels and thoughts that accompany it a voice.

Mollie: So I should meditate on the depression?

Anonymous: Don’t meditate on depression. Meditate on what we call depression–the physical and other sensations you are experiencing in that moment–without labeling it. Don’t make it into something. Don’t put mind on it. The mind is creating the depression, and the mind is trying to get rid of it? No. That can never work.

There’s a saying I like: Not knowing is the most intimate.

Mollie: So do you think that if I do what you’re saying to do–meditate on the primary feeling of the depression, without suppressing it–that I will eventually overcome the depression?

Anonymous: I believe that this and active meditation can help people in your situation. But ultimately you need to do what works for you.

Meditation teacher Osho once said, “If you don’t feel much better after having meditated regularly for a time than you did when you started, your meditation practice isn’t working.” When I heard that I remember thinking, “What do you mean? Of course my technique is working. I feel better–a bit.” Later I understood what he meant.

Don’t stick with a practice for thirty years hoping that one day you will start feeling what you want to feel. Try something else.

Mollie: What if I can’t find something that works? Should I just accept that I am a depressed person right now, and make peace with it? Sometimes I’m able to do that.

Anonymous: I would tell you to work toward true acceptance, which comes when you disidentify with the mind. Not mere acquiescence.

Acquiescence is not acceptance. Acceptance is open arms. A full embrace. It is the knowledge that this condition or situation is an absolutely essential part of your healing. If your life was totally working the way it is right now, you wouldn’t be seeking the way you are right now.

Nothing fails like success.

Mollie: So, this disidentifying with the mind stuff. Can you tell me more about that?

Anonymous: The mind is an optical illusion. It feels like there’s a thinker, a mind, but really there are just thoughts. The mind is not real. You are real.

Mollie: What does it feel like to lose your mind identification? 

Anonymous: It feels like you’re floating. You’re not pushing, you’re not pulling. But as long as you’re identified with the mind you are not floating. You are pushing and pulling.

Mollie: So the mind is this huge, powerful force that works against our emotional well-being nearly every moment of our waking lives. This just seems seriously unfair. Why does it have to be this way? Why does life have to be so full of pain? 

Anonymous: Because it is. And so, you have two choices. You can choose to be a victim. Or you can choose not to be. You can believe that life is working against you. Or you can believe that you are just unconscious, and the Universe is doing everything it can every single day to wake you up.

Self-Help Success Story: Jenny Thorne: “Glennon Doyle’s ‘Love Warrior’ Helped Me Learn to Feel”

This self-help success story was contributed by Jenny Thorne.

Just before he turned five, my son wrote a story. And it was the saddest thing ever. As he finished it and I was scribbling it down, all I could think was, “Oh, my goodness. What is this kid picking up from me?” Here is that story:

“The first thing that happens is there’s alive vacuums and they bang and crush until they’re dead in heaven and then they knew to be not alive vacuums that are really alive vacuums. The end. (They just pretend that they’re not alive by closing their eyes and popping their arms in them.)”

“Oh, and put the title on it,” he reminded me.

“Okay. What’s the title?”

“Alive Vacuums Hurt.”

Wow, I thought. Alive vacuums hurt. Am I alive? Or am I pretending not to hurt, too?

During childhood, I was definitely alive. I cried all the time. These days, though, not so much. It’s a rare thing for me to cry even a little. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am.

Which is probably why I loved the book Love Warrior: A Memoir by Glennon Doyle so much: it gave me an outlet for emotion. It’s about blogger Doyle’s marital difficulties as well as how she overcame addiction. But Doyle doesn’t just tell her story. She emotes it. She gives us the raw, even gory, details, scene by painful scene, till your own personal sadness surfaces to keep hers company.

I felt a lot of things while reading Doyle’s book. But mostly I felt inspired to feel more.

I don’t want to be an alive vacuum pretending to be a dead vacuum. I don’t want to be afraid of my feelings.

Here are a few passages from the book that were especially helpful to me:

  • “My mom’s voice quivers as she and my dad ask the usual questions: Why do you keep doing this to us? Why do you keep lying? Do you even love us? I sit on the couch and I try to receive their questions, but I’m a catcher without a mitt. My face is neutral, but the part of my heart that’s not spoiled is aching. I do love them. I love them and I love my sister and I love my friends. I think I love my people more than normal people love their people. My love is so overwhelming and terrifying and uncomfortable and complicated that I need to hide from it. Life and love simply ask too much of me. Everything hurts. I don’t know how people can just let it all hurt so much. I am just not up for all this hurting.”
  • “I sit and stare at my hands and I remember a story I saw on the news about a woman who had a stroke and lost all her language overnight. When she woke up, her mind functioned perfectly, but she couldn’t speak. So she just lay there and tried to use her eyes to communicate her terror about being trapped inside herself. Her family couldn’t translate what her eyes were saying. They thought she was brain-dead. It’s like that for me, too. I’m in here. I am good on the inside. I have things to say. I need help getting out. I do love you. My secret is that I’m good in here. I am not heart-dead. This is a secret that no one knows but me.”
  • “We begin to understand that to coparent is to one day look up and notice that you are on a roller coaster with another human being. You are in the same car, strapped down side by side and you can never, ever get off. There will never be another moment in your lives when your hearts don’t rise and fall together, when your minds don’t race and panic together, when your stomachs don’t churn in tandem, when you stop seeing huge hills emerge in the distance and simultaneously grab the side of the car and hold on tight. No one except for the one strapped down beside you will ever understand the particular thrills and terrors of your ride.”
  • “As we walk out into the sun, Craig says, ‘Is it going to be okay? He’s going to be okay, right?’ I look at him and understand that when your coaster partner gets scared you must quickly hide your own fear. You can’t panic at the same time. You must take turns. I grab Craig’s arm, hold tight, and say, ‘Yes. Absolutely. It’s all going to be okay. He is going to be amazing. This is just part of our ride.’”
  • “I tell them that I’m finally proud of who I am. I understand now that I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often—because I’m paying attention.’ I tell them that we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved. We must decide. If we choose to be perfect and admired, we must send our representatives out to live our lives. If we choose to be real and loved, we must send out our true, tender selves.”
  • “I’d been angry and ashamed because my marriage was so far from perfect. But perfect just means: works exactly the way it is designed to work. If marriage is an institution designed to nurture the growth of two people—then, in our own broken way, our marriage is perfect.”

So, I Admit It: My Kids Are Not Geniuses.

Would a future particle physicist do any of these things?

  • Step directly in every single dirt pile I ever sweep up.
  • Bonk his head on the bathtub faucet twice in the same bath.
  • About three mornings per week, and several evenings, too, suddenly forget how to put on his shoes.
  • Sit on the couch with a bare bottom after pooping and before my checking his wiping job.
  • Scream in the baby’s ear while she’s napping.
  • Jump on my back and yell “piggy back ride!” without warning me beforehand.
  • Headbutt my closed fist.
  • Entirely forget how to say, “Can I have a turn, please?” instead of screaming for a toy. Every single time.
  • Bump my arm when I’m almost done with my drawing.
  • Fight over a pair of scissors.

And yet, I still hold out hope that my kids may become geniuses. That’s just what moms do, I guess.