Here, an excerpt from the interviews section of the book.
CAL: “Finally, Our House Feels Like a Home”
Cal,
age forty-four, has four children with his wife of twenty years.
Mollie:
Is there an argument that just keeps coming up between you and your
wife?
Cal:
Many of the long-running arguments that we have seen to be centered
around the lack of defined roles in our relationship. We are both
products of the feminist movement—women aren’t going to be forced
to be at home taking care of children and cooking dinner! So the
systems of our household are perpetually left leaderless as both
adults strive for success and validation outside our home.
This
lack of definition has plagued us since the days we just started
living together and couldn’t agree on who did what chores and who was
responsible for what. It’s rather embarrassing to say that we still
run across these problems twenty years later. At least a few
generations ago they had one person who gathered resources and one
person who saw that those resources were well managed in producing a
family. Now we are both responsible for everything, and that leads to
chaos and frustration for us.
Mollie:
Can
you give me more specifics? Which chores are still up for grabs?
Which chores have you come to an agreement on?
Cal: We have written out three
sheets of information for the family. One sheet gives our vision,
values, expectations and measures of success. It’s funny that after
being married over twenty years we are still working out what our
vision for our home is. We’ve had other vision statements in the
past, but they seem to have a finite life span. The vision needs to
be renewed and revived periodically; for us, it seems like we can
agree on one for about two years.
The next sheet shows the
systems we are working on to make the household run more smoothly. We
started with agreeing on twenty minutes of cleaning and that’s going
really well thus far (maybe for the past two months). We’re still
working on figuring out the rest.
Finally, we have a chores
sheet. This is laminated (yes, we have a laminator and every family
needs one!). We assign and check off the chores using a dry erase
marker. There are six of us, and six people cleaning a single area
isn’t going to work, so we have two or three areas separated out into
five days (our goal is to clean five days per week). We schedule the
cleaning via group text message at least two hours ahead of time.
Then we assemble at the table, pick a day, assign the jobs, start the
timer, start some music, and clean for twenty minutes. If someone
finishes early, they get re-assigned to another job until we have all
worked for twenty minutes. We clean with whoever is home at the time,
even if it’s only a couple of us.
This cleaning system has
finally gotten our house to feel like a home. We all now have clean,
paired socks and vacuumed hallways.
Bedroom cleaning is handled by
a different system of weekly room inspections.
Mollie: Any other ongoing
arguments?
Cal: Nothing is jumping to mind. My wife and I are pretty low-key
people, but we have still managed to have some pretty turbulent times
in our marriage. This point isn’t one of them. Our kids are now 18,
16, 14 and 11. They are old enough that they are becoming
self-sufficient, but young enough not to realize how clueless they
are in the real world. It’s a frustrating time. I think we’ve been
handling it well, overall, but have been far from perfect.
Mollie: Finally, how much do you enjoy your marriage? Is it worth
the hardship?
Cal: I do enjoy my marriage. The sex is amazing, and that’s a large
part of male happiness. Consistent access to a female is success in
an evolutionary sense. Beyond just meeting physical needs, my wife is
a wonderful friend who I still enjoy having dinner with or
accompanying to one of our children’s events. I made a really good
decision before we started dating: I had just had a mediocre dating
experience with a pretty red-haired girl, who treated me like a
distraction. Based on that experience, I decided that the next person
I was going to spend my time with would be one who I enjoyed being
with. My
wife is remarkable in that I was always sorry
when the evening came to an end; there never seemed to be enough
time.
Twenty-three years later, I still think that was a
wise decision. I haven’t had the most exciting life from the outside,
but I’ve enjoyed most minutes because I made a really good choice. I
married an honest friend who I really enjoyed being around. Fights
come and go, but we still like having dinner, watching a movie or
doing a project together. Even when we are at our worst, there has
always been that underlying layer of friendship and enjoyment that we
fell back on. It’s a pretty amazing connection.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
In addition, currently I have several Audible Audiobook versions to give away. Email me at mollie at mollieplayer.com if interested and I will try to get one of them to you.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
In addition, currently I have several Audible Audiobook versions to give away. Email mollie at mollieplayer.com if interested and I will try to get one of them to you.
Meet a minimalist who quit her corporate job to become a professional housesitter, a designer who uses negative space to create meaningful features and a woman whose grief led her to start fresh.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a minimalist who quit her corporate job to become a professional housesitter, a designer who uses negative space to create meaningful features and a woman whose grief led her to start fresh.
For the past two years, I’ve been attending graduate school earning my Master’s of Science in Counseling. After the massive amount of practice hours and essays I’ve completed, it’s a huge joy–and relief–to finally be practicing as a student counselor at a Seattle counseling practice. I’m helping real people! Finally!
As a new counselor, I offer low-cost counseling services to Washington residents. Currently I am only taking remote clients using a secure video platform. If you or anyone you know has immediate plans to work on their self-improvement goals, call myself or my supervisor, Brittany Steffans, at 206-535-1787.
So don’t know if I mentioned this, but my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home has now been republished by my new publisher, Next Chapter. The cover is AWESOME and what I love best is the ELEVEN interviews I conducted with minimalists of all varieties: financial minimalists, career travelers, parenting minimalists and of course, people who just stripped their houses down to make room for life to happen more beautifully! Their stories have inspired me to live even more minimally. (More on that to come.)
Some of the advice in Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is pretty standard stuff. Some of it, however, is not. Here, a short Q and A that follows the lessons in the book that might help clarify a few of the more nuanced suggestions.
Lesson: Change Your Partner the Right Way
What about when there’s a behavior in my partner that really does
need to change? In the book you show how Matthew slowly learned how
to take on more responsibility for his child. In my case, I’d like to
change the way my husband disciplines our kids. I want him to be more
firm. Is this something that I can change about him? Are some
qualities changeable, and others not?
Yes. But we don’t know which is which until we give our partner the
chance to show us.
The way I see it, there are three ways to change your partner for the
better. The first, and most important, is just believing the best of
them and treating them well. This is the one we should always be
doing.
When this isn’t enough, we have two other options. One is the major
argument or discussion, which involves detailed negotiation. The
other is what I call “the slow nag.” This is when you make
little hints and suggestions—maybe even good-natured jokes—about
the issue without ever forcing it. When done right, it’s surprisingly
effective.
Are you sure this will work?
No.
Okay, fair enough. But are you sure it’s okay to try to change
your partner? Everyone tells us this is a terrible idea, that we need
to accept them as they come or not at all.
Yes, I am absolutely sure that over the course of your marriage, you
can and will change your partner in a wide variety of significant and
not-so-significant ways. It’s not only possible but nearly
unavoidable; we do it every single day. Whenever we look at someone,
whenever we speak to them, whenever we have any kind of interaction,
we affect the way they think and feel. Think about it: How would your
partner affect your behavior towards him if he did what is
recommended in this book, and treated you with utmost respect and
love all the time? You’d change a heck of a lot. And the changes you
didn’t make in spite of his caring suggestions would probably be the
ones that meant too much to you to give up. Well, it’s the same for
him. There are things about himself he won’t change for you or for
anyone, ever. The question is: Can you live with those things? Are
they deal breakers or not? Incidentally, there’s a great book about
accepting our partners for who they are called Marry Him: The Case
for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. I highly
recommend it, even to long-time partners.
Lesson: Brush Up on Your Endocrinology
My husband is such a taker. He just takes and takes and takes,
until I can’t give anymore, and I explode. Why are men like this? How
can I get him to give more?
Don’t concern yourself with why. Men are simply better at getting
their own needs and wants met than women are. When you can’t or don’t
want to give anymore, simply don’t. Tell your husband that you need
some “me” time, and take it—even if he doesn’t love the
idea. The trick is to do this gently, without anger and with grace.
For me, this has been one of the hardest marriage skills to learn,
but now I get a nap every day. It was worth the work.
Here, it’s worth mentioning that personality differences, too—not
just gender differences—affect the way your partner meets his
needs. My favorite personality typing book is the (misleadingly
titled) Dressing Your Truth: Discover Your Personal Beauty Profile
by Carol Tuttle. The book only discusses female personality types,
but in other books of hers, males fall into the same four categories.
Understanding not just your unique behavior but the basic internal
beliefs that give rise to that behavior is incredibly therapeutic and
healing.
The bottom line: There are four main personality types: wind, water,
fire and rock. Wind people are bright and animated. Their driving
purpose in life is to enjoy it. Water people are subtle, caring and
soft. Their driving purpose is to love and care about people. Fire
people are dynamic and passionate. Their driving purpose is to
accomplish their goals and change the world. Rock people are bold and
striking. Their driving purpose is to seek and disseminate truth. If
you want to better understand the motivations behind your partner’s
quirks, read this book.
Lesson: Don’t Defend Yourself
Okay, so not defending myself. I get how doing so can be unhelpful
and even counterproductive, escalating the fight even further. But
self-defense is one of our primary human drives; we all want other
people to acknowledge when we’re in the right, or to at least to
basically understand our intentions. How can I avoid getting
defensive?
Try this: Look forward with great anticipation to your next
opportunity to be criticized by your partner in some way. Then, when
it happens, in the moment in which it is happening, ask yourself,
“What would it feel like to just not defend myself right now—to
smile and say nothing committal, maybe even to agree with what my
partner is saying? Would it make me proud?”
Then—just as an experiment, mind you—say something kind in
response. Not necessarily an apology, if an apology feels insincere
to you, but something sweet and understanding. Something like, “Okay.
You might be right about this. I promise to give it some real
thought.”
Now, observe how you feel about yourself in this moment and compare
it to how you might have felt had you defended yourself. Do you feel
more self-respect? And what about your partner’s response? Did their
anger begin to dissolve?
It sounds like what you’re saying is that you should just accept
whatever criticism comes your way, no matter how wrong it is. That’s
not self-respectful, is it?
Yes, that’s what I’m saying, and yes, it is. You don’t have to accept
the criticism as true, but you can listen to it in silence without
agreeing with it in any way.
But doesn’t this just come across as a big “I don’t care what
you think” attitude?
Preferably, no. At times, in an effort to be less defensive, I’ve
used a superior tone of voice, responding with something like, “Okay,
Honey. You have your opinion.” I’ve since come to the belief
that this sort of attitude isn’t nondefensiveness—it’s ego,
disguised as nondefensiveness. And it really, really doesn’t work. It
doesn’t make me feel good, and it doesn’t dissolve his anger; in
fact, it fuels it even more.
If you’re going to choose between being condescending and not
explaining your side and being kind and asking to be given the chance
to explain your side, choose the latter every time. At least you’ve
shown that you are willing to truly listen, and by asking for
permission first before defending yourself, you’ve put the other
person in a much more receptive mode.
Lesson: Appreciate the Gift
Logically, I know that marriage is a gift—even the hard parts,
the arguments. But how do I go from knowing it to really knowing it,
to feeling really grateful for my partner on a day-in-day-out basis?
I have two ideas. The first is to dote on your partner—to do loving
acts regularly. The second is to relentlessly question your negative
thoughts about him or her.
A lot of people try to describe why it is that parenting, one of the
toughest jobs on the planet, is also one of the most well-regarded
and most sought-after. Here is my attempt: The beauty of parenting is
that here is this perfect new person, and you have the privilege of
loving them the most.
Teaching children is great. Watching them grow and admiring them and
laughing with them is wonderful. But just loving someone this much,
giving this much of yourself for another person every day—that is
the part that really gets you.
Well, it’s the same marriage: the practice of loving another person
just feels good. Making dinner for your partner, speaking gently with
them when they’re in a bad mood, holding them when they’re sad—these
are the things that give our lives real meaning, and the things that
truly bond us.
Compliment your partner. Every single day. Say nice things,
particularly when it’s unexpected. Be specific, too: something like,
“I am feeling very tender and affectionate towards you today.”
Genuine compliments are far too rare and far more valuable than most
of us realize; whenever we get one, we really treasure it, don’t we?
We remember some of them for a very long time.
My second idea is to relentlessly question your negative thoughts
about your partner. In “Change Your Story” I describe the
process of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I cannot recommend it
more highly. The theory among some psychologists and certainly many
spiritual guru-types on its effectiveness is that when you remove the
negative thoughts, love simply fills the gap, since love is who we
really are underneath. Sometimes I’m skeptical that this is the case
with me, but the more I journal my negative thoughts and replace them
with the truth, the more cheerfulness and lightheartedness I feel,
which naturally flows into my attitudes about other people.
Particularly people I really, really like anyway, like my husband.
There was a time when I would have paid anything for a magic wand
that could, with a wave, turn off all my husband’s worst traits. The
other day, though, when I was talking to my sister on the phone about
relationships, it hit me: At some point, I stopped wanting my partner
to be perfect. What would it look like if he had no flaws? Would he
do everything I ever wanted or asked him to do? And how long would it
take before I started seeing him as a robot, an automaton: “Honey,
will you wash the dishes?” “Sure, my dear.” “Then
go wash the car and pack the car for our trip?” “Of
course.” That’s not even a relationship, is it?
Marriage is one of the biggest challenges I’ll get in this life. I’m
milking it for all the self-improvement it’s worth.
Final Question
Some of your advice is strange. Are you sure it’ll work?
In my life there are very few certainties, and for the most part I
like to keep it that way. One thing I do feel sure of, though, is
that self-improvement efforts—no matter how small, no matter how
flailing, and no matter how many times they seem to fail—are worth
it almost every time. Because often, even when they seem to fail,
they don’t fail all the way; somewhere inside you, something has
changed. Maybe it takes a year or two for you to see the difference,
but eventually you do.
Some of the advice in Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is pretty standard stuff. Some of it, however, is not. Here, a short Q and A that follows the lessons in the book that might help clarify a few of the more nuanced suggestions.
Lesson: Don’t Make It Into a Big Deal
Can you give me another example of how to pretend something isn’t
a big deal? Is it just about ignoring the little stuff, or what?
No. It’s partly that, but it’s also about having a bit of fun with
the process.
When something is bugging my husband and I know that it’s a temporary
thing—a bad mood, tiredness or whatever—I use the opportunity to
practice what I preach in this book: being nice, not getting angry,
keeping my perspective. Here is sort of what that looks like: First,
I don’t take hold of the rudeness he’s offering me. If he continues
to offer it, I say something like, “Hon, are you okay?”
Usually, that diffuses the situation pretty quickly. On the rare
occasion on which it doesn’t, though, and he’s actually mad at me, he
might explain what’s bothering him. That’s my chance to either talk
it through or tell him that I love him but I’m choosing not to do
what he wants me to do.
I’m a pretty serious person. I tend to be a little more like
Rachel the list-maker than Genevieve the intuitive. How can I learn
to not sweat the small stuff?
Control freaks do well to find other outlets for their passion. Do
you have at least a few other close friendships? Do you have at least
one hobby you really love? Your partner shouldn’t be your only source
of endorphins.
Also remember that the whole letting go thing feels weird at first;
when you’re emotional, your instinct is to directly deal with the
situation. After a while, though, as talking about your relationship
issues becomes less the norm than the exception, you begin to settle
into a habit of ignoring stuff that starts you both spinning.
You become more at peace with peace.
What if we never get there? What if we never figure out how to be
“comfortably in love” again?
Relationships aren’t always fun and easy. But they should be a lot of
the time. If yours isn’t, you’re either not a good match—water and
oil—or you’re really seeking out problems. Stop the problem-making
habit and start a fun-making habit. If you do lots of enjoyable stuff
together, little problems tend not to grow.
And definitely don’t get too much into his emotional business unless
he shares it with you. Remember that your partner’s happiness is his
job—not yours. Be the best partner you can be, and let him figure
out everything else. Give him a bit of advice, then let him make his
own choices.
Lesson: Be Uncomfortably Nice
What is the best way to show my partner that I love him on a daily
basis?
Use a pleasant tone of voice. Always, always, always, unless you
truly, in that moment, cannot. If you follow only one piece of advice
in this book, follow this one. Use a (sincerely) pleasant tone of
voice at all times, particularly during the mundane activities of
life. This is where your relationship really lives. If you’ve fallen
into that common but horrible habit of speaking with slight
condescension to your partner on a regular basis, know that in order
to make things work, this will have to change.
So, what about when your partner says something that’s not just
rude, but super mean? The other day I told my husband I was really
stressed out and he said, point blank, “I don’t care.” I
couldn’t believe it. It hurt so much.
That does hurt. Have you asked him why he said it?
He said it because he didn’t care. In that moment, he didn’t care
about how I felt.
Not necessarily. People say this stuff. He probably cares but at the
time was upset about something else. My best advice is to ask him if
he meant what he said. Ask him sweetly, at a time when he’s not mad.
He’ll be impressed by your mature way of handling the situation.
He’ll remember it, and if you handle rude comments this way
regularly, he’ll eventually learn to be more careful with his words.
Countering not-nice with nice is the best way to get an apology.
So, how do you do this? I mean, we all snap at our partners and
kids sometimes, right? We can’t be nice all the time.
Make it your number one priority for a week. A nice tone of voice,
all day long. It’s a habit.
Lesson: Shamelessly Bargain (And Always Have a Bottom Line)
One of the things my husband struggles a lot with is getting time
to exercise. He likes it, and it’s important to him, but there’s only
a certain window of opportunity—in the hour after work—when he
can get to the gym or take a jog. Lately, though, he’s been skipping
this window and coming home early to crash on the couch. Then when
it’s his turn to take the baby, he says he really needs to get his
exercise done. It’s not fair, and the other day it caused a huge
fight. What should I do?
It sounds like you have a schedule in place that you’re generally
both happy with. If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of sticking
to it—even if he doesn’t like it. Tell him that it’s his baby time,
offer to discuss it, then walk away. If you need to, leave the house
to force him to do his duty.
Oh, that’ll go over well.
Risk the argument. See it as an investment you make for your future
happiness; if he sees you’re going to enforce your agreement, he’ll
take future agreements more seriously. See it as practice for when
you have to do the same kind of enforcement with your kids.
If you don’t take this advice, don’t blame him for taking advantage
of your fear of confrontation.
Oh, and as always, when you leave, leave with a smile, or at least without undue emotion. He may not be smiling back. But that’s okay.
