This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 27: Learning communication and conflict management skills
A good day can go bad very, very fast when a conflict arises, especially one that isn’t managed well. Seeing the improvements that the skills of listening, deescalation, finding agreement and the like bring to an uncomfortable conversation will make you a believer in corny couples counseling exercises forever.
If you haven’t read anything by John Gottman, one of the most well-known relationship researchers, skim (or pour over) one of his many books. Online summaries are also available, and his sound bytes are widely shared in every format.
Some of my favorite communication tips are as follows. First, aim for a 7-to-1 (or higher) ratio of positive-to-negative interactions–the ratio Gottman found that happy couples maintain. Second, during an argument or difficult conversation, find something you can agree on–anything at all. Most of the time, doing so significantly reduces defensiveness and tension. When in conflict, stick to one topic; otherwise, fights become unfocused and unhelpful. Also, keep the discussion either solution-focused or feelings-focused–don’t switch back and forth between the two. When in doubt, validate, then validate some more. Finally, when anger or frustration levels mount to an unhealthy level, take space and try the conversation again after a good night’s rest.
Of course, the process of learning communication and conflict management skills is a highly complex and individual one, and will likely continue throughout your life. If needed, make use of professional resources, such as couples counseling. Early intervention works best.
If desired, add “learning communication and conflict management skills” or a related strategy to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and write them on your to-do lists.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 26: Establishing and maintaining strong relationships
Psychologist Daniel Gilbert writes in Stumbling on Happiness that if he were to guess at a person’s level of felt well-being based on only one fact of their life, he would choose to know not about how healthy they were or how successful, but about the quality of their relationships. One of our most basic human needs is secure attachment, and if you don’t have enough of it, it might be time to increase your social efforts. Go on dates with your partner. Reach out to a friend at least once a week. Plan a standing walk or coffee date with a friend. The alternatives to secure attachment are anxious attachment, disorganized attachment and avoidant attachment, and if you notice a pattern of insecurity in your relationships, it’s worth learning more about these concepts.
It can be challenging to find your people. If you’re feeling discouraged by the process, know that the difficulty is more common than many people suppose. Commit to the effort. Follow through with your social efforts on a regular basis. Open up to others in a genuine way and allow them to do the same.
Adored author and researcher Brené Brown has made a career of convincing people to deepen relationships through vulnerability. Sharing the parts of yourself you’re least proud of with a nonjudgmental loved one can be a powerfully healing and bonding experience. Some group therapy classes focus almost exclusively on sharing and relating, with great results. You’re not alone. Someone else has been there, too.
In Love Warrior: A Memoir, best-selling memoirist Glennon Doyle puts it well: “We can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved. We must decide. If we choose to be perfect and admired, we must send our representatives out to live our lives. If we choose to be real and loved, we must send out our true, tender selves.”
If desired, add “find more friends,” “regularly reach out to friends,” “try new social activities” and/or related strategies to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and write them on your to-do lists.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 25: Resting and taking time off
When former National Chess Champion Josh Waitzkin drew close to an important competition, he did something surprising: he rested. Unlike many of his competitors, Waitzkin took several weeks away from the board during the crucial pre-game months to sail with his family–a mental rest that counter-intuitively sharpened his game once he returned. The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance follows this author’s road to mastery of two very different pursuits: chess and Tai Chi. A key insight: sometimes, extended breaks allow the subconscious to process and integrate previously learned strategies and other relevant data in a way that the conscious mind is incapable of doing.
Screen-based entertainment might not provide the kind of rest that Waitzkin’s game, and our brains, need most. While screens can offer a welcome distraction and even some relaxation, we also benefit from creating mental gaps in our days. Quiet walks. Long baths. A cup of coffee on the front porch. Find a few minutes of true rest every day.
Of course, taking time off work, including personal days and vacations, can also provide much-needed time to recharge.
If you are experiencing chronic stress or are frequently overwhelmed, you might like Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski.
If desired, add “taking time off work,” “adding rest breaks into my days” and/or related strategies to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and and write them on your to-do lists.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 24: Staying busy
Though relaxation and self-care are undeniably important, sometimes, staying busy helps, too. Some psychologists assert that people often overestimate the amount of enjoyment they will derive from an increase in free time and underestimate the amount of pleasure that challenging, competitive and creative pursuits provide. Many video games even include work-like tasks.
At times, staying busy can distract you from overthinking and allow you to put some space between your more contemplative, emotionally heavy moments. Of course, the benefit of staying busy largely depends on the activities you choose to fill your time. Consider engaging in a variety of healthy work and personal tasks–some of which are mentioned in this book–during a given week in order to reduce monotony, increase your sense of accomplishment and find balance.
If desired, add “staying busy” or “creating a balanced weekly schedule” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and write them on your to-do lists.
A rather obvious treatment option, but one that is highly deserving of inclusion in this book, is exploring high quality self-help resources. There is no shortage of excellent self-improvement books, podcasts, channels and the like that seek to encourage, inspire and educate. I love research-backed how-tos as well as memoirs of people who have learned from their challenges. Book by book, my life has been unalterably changed.
Read everything that interests you, and some stuff that doesn’t. Keep in mind, though, that self-help materials are not a replacement for professional treatment for depression, and the other treatments listed in this book aren’t, either. If you have depression, please seek the help of a mental health professional, and use other resources in a supplemental and informational fashion.
Finally, note that many self-help resources contain inaccuracies and can cause harm. Use caution.
If desired, add “explore self-help resources” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and write them on your to-do lists.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 22: Traveling
A surprising treatment option, one that I include in this book with some qualifications, is travel. For some people, adventuring to a new place (even one that’s just a car ride away) can be an effective way to get out of a mental rut and improve mental health. By stepping outside of our familiar routines and environments, we’re able to gain fresh perspectives, break free from negative thought patterns, and experience new and stimulating activities.
In Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, author Kristin Neff recounts a physically and emotionally taxing journey through Mongolia that she took with her young son, who has a severe form of autism, and the benefits he received. It might have been the religious rituals that did the trick, but my guess is that the fresh air and the complete change in his environment altered certain neural pathways that had developed over the course of his short life.
I’ve always loved to travel, but not because it’s easy or comfortable. I love it because when I’m somewhere else, I’m more present. I have much greater appreciation for a hot bath, a cold drink and a soft bed, and I pay close attention to interesting details in my surroundings.
Travel isn’t for everyone. It can be costly and physically and emotionally challenging. If you think travel might have a positive effect on you, and you feel emotionally stable enough to take on the challenge, consider planning a trip in the near future. When you return from your trip, continue bringing more gratitude and awareness home with you.
If desired, add “traveling” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on specifics and next steps and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 21: Maintaining clean and organized living spaces, simplifying your life and keeping up on other tasks of adulting
I’m often surprised by how many of my clients cite home cleaning and maintenance as one of their primary personal goals. People say that when their dishes are done and their laundry is folded, they feel more productive, more powerful, and just … better about themselves. The book How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing by KC Davis offers some tips for effectively managing your adulting load. If you’re a person who struggles with daily to-dos, this book might be of help.
While you’re at it, consider simplifying your life in other ways. Do less. Organize your spaces. Pare down your wardrobe to your favorite essentials. Have a meal schedule that you repeat on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Use lists, shop only a few times a month, and find other ways to minimize your mental, physical and emotional expenditures on a weekly basis. Create a weekly schedule that includes all of your ongoing tasks and stick to it. All of these practices can increase feelings of productivity and reduce emotional exhaustion and decision fatigue.
Adulting can be a bore, but adulting is also powerful. Small daily tasks lead to major life accomplishments. As previously mentioned, many people find that completing just two items from their to-do lists per day can be enough to keep them on top of home-, health- and finance-related needs. (Work- and kid-related tasks are not included in this estimate, of course.)
If desired, add “maintaining clean living spaces,” “organizing my home,” “creating a weekly schedule,” “keeping up on tasks of adulting” and/or related strategies to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps and write them on your to-do lists. As previously discussed, resist the temptation to overcomplicate your list system: a single much-used list is greater than a set of forgotten ones. Consolidate. Most important, consult the lists often.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 20: Reducing screen time
Research has shown that social media use can negatively impact mood and self-esteem. It encourages FOMO (fear of missing out), imposter syndrome, bullying and unhealthy comparisons between peers. Doom scrolling leads to heightened anxiety, and entertainment media like shows and video games can reduce productivity and encourage procrastination.
Productivity isn’t everything, and a balanced schedule can contain plenty of relaxing screen time. Do what works for you. I find that I get more screen time overall, and enjoy it more, when I wait till the end of the day to indulge after my tasks are completed.
Life is an experiment. Consider drastically (or not-so-drastically) reducing your screen use for a time, and noticing if any mood improvement occurs. I often recommend that clients refrain from social media, games, internet surfing and other distracting screen activities for part or all of their work day. Admittedly, this is not a popular strategy.
If hours of phone-free time feels too drastic for you, consider turning off your phone for just a one-hour stretch each day. Blast through some of the items on your to-do lists or complete especially difficult work tasks. Try it for a day, or a week. This one change can lead to dramatically improved focus, attention and productivity. At the very least, check your phone time each week and attempt to reduce it gradually.
If you are currently experiencing a severe depression episode, don’t try this right now, and if your loved one is severely depressed, this isn’t the time to reduce pleasurable activities. Scroll away.
If desired, add “reduce my screen time” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on a specific screen use strategy and write it on your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 19: Engaging in long-term projects and hobbies
According to a study cited in The Happiness Advantage: How a Positive Brain Fuels Success in Work and Life by Shawn Achor, having an activity to look forward to raises endorphin levels significantly. This is especially true when projects and hobbies include creativity, a sense of accomplishment and long-term involvement, such as gardening, crafts, writing, teaching, cooking, sports and many more. Bonus points if the hobby is social and screens aren’t involved.
I am often surprised (and encouraged) by the incredible variety of ways people come up with to entertain themselves. A friend of mine teaches himself tricks on the trampoline, for example. Others plant flower seeds in public urban areas as random acts of kindness. Author David Sedaris has been picking up litter nearly daily for years, and a garbage truck has been named after him. If you don’t have an awesome, fulfilling hobby, consider trying something new, then something else after that. Recreation isn’t just recreation; it’s a deeply meaningful part of the good life.
Volunteer work can be especially satisfying. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, found that people who did five random acts of kindness in a single day were much happier than control groups. The aforementioned Martin Seligman, one of the founders of positive psychology, agreed that acts of kindness increase happiness more reliably than any other exercise he has tested. In Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life he writes, “Depression … stems partly from an overcommitment to the self and an undercommitment to the common good.”
If desired, add “finding a long-term project” or “engaging in my hobby regularly” to your depression treatment plan. Then add it to your ongoing to-do list as well.
Financial stability means many things to many people. However, positive psychology research clearly shows that people living above the poverty line are significantly happier than people who live under it, while wealthy people are only marginally happier than middle class folks. For optimal mental health, then, getting your needs met–not continually wanting more–should be the goal.
In Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending, authors Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton explore the ways we can use our money to increase our happiness and well-being. They argue that while money can bring happiness, it’s not just about how much money you have, but how you spend it. They offer five principles for spending money in ways that increase happiness, including buying experiences instead of things; buying time; investing in others; paying now and consuming later; and designing your environment. The authors also explore the limitations of money in terms of increasing happiness and the importance of non-monetary factors, such as strong relationships and a sense of purpose, in fostering well-being.
Two other personal finance books that I recommend are Dollars and Sense: How We Misthink Money and How to Spend Smarter by Dan Ariely and Jeff Kreisler, as well as the classic Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What the Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not! by Robert Kiyosaki. The latter discusses investing, while the former coaches the reader through spending traps they do best to avoid.
If desired, add “maintaining financial stability” to your depression treatment plan. Then consider specific ways to improve your finances, such as creating a budget, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 17: Identifying a sense of purpose
You’ve heard the quote by 19th-century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” For people with chronic depression, their shifting mood states are a big part of the “how”–the adversity they face on their way to their goal. So they need a “why,” too.
Does your career, your community, your art or your volunteer project give you a deep sense of purpose? Maybe it’s your spirituality or religion that helps you find the underlying meaning that makes your current circumstances more bearable.
If you’re not sure what your purpose in life is, consider journaling about everything you care most about. Is there a theme? One of my clients told me that the purpose of his life was to simply “do no harm.” I pondered this a moment before realizing that the goal’s simplicity hid its nobility. Do no harm. It was a larger ambition than any I’ve ever made for myself–one with potentially far-reaching consequences for his life.
The aforementioned Martin Seligman, one of the founders of positive psychology, argued in his many popular books that happiness isn’t just about feeling good. A sense of well-being includes all emotional experiences; it’s defined not by a person’s feelings but by their sense of connectedness and meaning. One of his many profound quotes comes from Authentic Happiness: Using Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment: “Positive emotion alienated from the exercise of character leads to emptiness, to inauthenticity, to depression, and, as we age, to the gnawing realization that we are fidgeting until we die.”
Don’t just fidget. Live a well-rounded, meaningful life.
If desired, add “finding my life purpose” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a medication provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 16: Increasing your job satisfaction
Doing work you love doesn’t have to mean changing careers. There are many ways to increase job satisfaction. Bringing meaning to tasks you already do can help: think of the restaurant server who finds pleasure in creating an enjoyable customer experience. You can also seek out additional challenges and more workplace autonomy–even small changes can make a big difference. Above all, avoid getting bored.
In the classic work Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi identifies the characteristics of satisfying work. Among other qualities, jobs people like tend to be challenging, attention-absorbing and autonomous, providing the worker a sense of control. When a person feels fully engaged to the point of losing their self-consciousness, they are in a state of mind Csikszentmihalyi famously calls “flow.”
Tasks that people might not normally find enjoyable can become so when the worker has ownership and the power to make decisions. In Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion and Purpose, Zappos founder Tony Hsieh says that call center employees who are unscripted and who are allowed to offer small discounts or free shipping at their own discretion show higher degrees of job satisfaction.
Another way to feel better about the work you currently do is to view it as a stepping stone to a greater goal. Coffee shops aren’t just coffee shops: they’re places recent college grads work at while they send out resumes, save for a trip to Spain or apply to master’s degree programs.
If you don’t currently have a clear career path or career goal, take some time to brainstorm ideas. Even if your plan changes (as most of them do), it can provide next steps and, critically, hope.
If desired, add “increasing my job satisfaction” and/or “creating a career path” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on specific ways to do so and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 15: Addressing health issues
It’s difficult to feel mentally well when we don’t feel physically well. But many of us delay needed medical care due to financial constraints, time constraints and even fear. Doctor appointments can feel vulnerable, painful and difficult to schedule. However, prioritizing these needs is an important part of self-care, and can improve one’s feeling of self-efficacy.
If desired, add “addressing health issues” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a medical provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 14: Overcoming addiction or improving your relationship with substances
As you likely know, frequent substance use is strongly associated with chronic depression. In the short-term, it encourages avoidance of pressing problems and needed tasks. It also represses or delays emotional expression and the grief process. In the long-term, this avoidance and repression leads to slowed emotional growth, since distress tolerance, healthy habits, interpersonal skills and other important life functions are not learned as quickly. Some people also experience acute negative effects from poor decision-making related to substance-related mental and physical impairment.
Feeling feelings is hard, but it’s an important part of maintaining mental stability. When you allow your emotions to pass through you without judgment, fear or shame, they eventually subside. What you are left with is an increased ability to handle difficult moments, an improved perspective on the distressing situation and greater inner peace.
Resources for substance use disorders abound, and I recommend taking advantage of them. Consult a medical or mental health professional. Attend a recovery group. If needed, seek in-patient care.
If desired, add “overcoming addiction” or “improving my relationship with substances” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a medication provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 10: Undergoing Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulation (CES) or Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)
Cranial electrotherapy stimulation (CES) is a therapeutic treatment in which a handheld electric pulse generator is connected to the scalp. Painless, low-level currents stimulate electrical movements in the brain, which possibly help alter existing neural pathways. Patients are prescribed the device, then use it at home for a few minutes a day. Side effects are few, but the efficacy of these devices for depression is not yet proven.
Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is the in-office version of CES. Due to the effectiveness of this treatment, in recent years, TMS clinics have been established in many areas. TMS is more intense than CES, and memory loss has been reported.
Related but less often prescribed treatments are electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and deep brain stimulation, both of which might have greater side effects than TMS or CES.
People with severe, treatment-resistant depression might want to consider one of these therapies. Just do your research first, both on the treatment of choice and on providers in your area.
For a thoughtful, thorough account of these treatments, read the relevant sections in The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon. Just keep in mind that his account was published in 2015, and might be somewhat outdated due to changes in technology.
If desired, add “consider undergoing CES or TMS” to your depression treatment plan. Then decide on next steps, such as finding a provider, and write them on your short-term and/or long-term to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 7: Eating well
No judgment here, and no specific advice: when it comes to your diet, do what works for you. Consider whether or not your eating habits affect your mood, and if so, what changes might help. Undereating can cause depression, and overeating can, too. Avoid perfectionism and choose goals that are realistic and doable.
Of course, when it comes to food, it’s not just about physical health, but about mental health, too. Do your food-related thoughts, choices and plans help you feel more emotionally stable and healthy, or less? Answering this question can provide helpful information when assessing whether or not you’ve established habits that work for you.
If you suspect that you could benefit from a rigorously scientific perspective on nutrition, try How to Eat: All Your Food and Diet Questions Answered by Mark Bittman and David Katz. Everything by Michael Pollan is also great.
Finally, if you suspect that you might have an eating disorder, take a moment to fill out a confidential screening or start the search for help at nationaleatingdisorders.org. Food is a big part of life, and it’s hard not to be depressed or anxious if this area of functioning isn’t going well.
If desired, add “eating well” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific food-related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 6: Improving your sleep
A complete sleep might be longer than what you’re used to, but you know when you’ve had it: you feel fully able to get out of bed and start the day’s tasks. Increased energy can increase motivation, which often increases productivity. Productivity, in turn, produces confidence and optimism. In addition, emotional energy–patience, distress tolerance, etc.–can be enhanced through proper rest. In people who are chronically tired, increased sleep might be the most effective mood booster available. It might also increase the effectiveness of other depression treatments.
Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) is the behavioral modification therapy of choice for sleep problems. If you think you might need professional help for this issue, find a mental health counselor trained in this modality. Different people benefit from different CBT-I interventions. Briefly, CBT-I practices include:
Adjusting your sleep schedule as closely as possible to your natural circadian rhythms;
Going to bed at around the same time every night, and getting up at (as nearly as possible) the same time every morning–even on the weekends;
Using various techniques to reduce sleep anxiety;
Staying busy during the day and refraining from napping;
If needed, reducing your time in bed and/or getting out of bed during wakeful night hours to reset; and
Tracking your sleep patterns in a sleep journal.
Substance and caffeine use can significantly impact sleep, reducing the length of your phase three deep sleep and increasing the length of your less restorative REM sleep.
Finally, if you are consistently sleeping poorly even while maintaining good habits, consider setting up a consultation with a sleep specialist. You might be suffering with a sleep disorder like sleep apnea without knowing it.
If desired, add “improving my sleep” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific sleep-related goals and write them on your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 5: Exercising regularly
When I talk with clients about exercise, I always feel a bit redundant. Most of us know that it’s one of the best non-pharmaceutical mood enhancers available. We also know that the long-term benefits–better physical health, better sleep–will likely increase our quality of life overall.
While some people report feeling a “runner’s high” after a good workout, others don’t seem to receive this benefit. If you are in the latter category, you still might notice a milder, yet significant, sense of well-being. In addition, for many people, exercise is associated with a sense of self-efficacy–even empowerment.
As discussed previously, don’t wait to feel motivated to take a long walk outside, or to follow along with a yoga YouTube video in your apartment. That feeling might never come. Unfortunately, the human mind isn’t as logical as we tend to believe: it knows the relevant facts, but it doesn’t vote for them. Instead, it votes for what’s comfortable.
Veto the vote for comfortable. If you’re not quite ready to start your new routine, consider a soft entry. Choose your days and times to exercise and put your exercise shoes or clothes on at those times every week, even if you don’t leave the house. Gradually, add small amounts of exercise (a walk around the block?) to this routine. Habit is what matters most.
From a mental health perspective, being consistent is the most important part of exercise–much more important than time spent, frequency, difficulty and other factors. Anytime you follow through with your exercise goals you have made progress–even on the days or weeks you don’t increase difficulty or see changes in your body. Your body has built or at least maintained its fitness levels that day, and more significantly, your mind has strengthened its relevant neuropathways.
After around twenty-five years of consistent exercise, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine discontinuing the habit. Over time, movement becomes more than a healthy self-care practice–it is part of your identity. You can take breaks, but it soon pulls you back; when you don’t do it, something feels missing.
That’s a good feeling.
If desired, add “exercising regularly” to your depression treatment plan. Then set specific exercise goals and add them to your ongoing to-do list.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, We Get Better: 48 Treatment Options for Chronic Depression.
***
Treatment option 4: Setting long- and short-term goals
Researchers in the field of positive psychology have made their careers discussing what constitutes the good life. Many of their findings are included in this book, and high on the list: pursuing meaningful goals. Though mindfulness research has shown that living in the present moment is a helpful habit to cultivate, we also benefit emotionally from some amount of future planning. Achieving goals–both daily tasks as well as major milestones–gives us the satisfaction of accomplishment, which can increase a sense of self-worth and self-efficacy.
When considering what you would like to work towards both in the short- and long-term, it might be helpful to follow the SMART framework. Try to identify goals that are specific (clear and well-defined); measurable (how will you know when you’ve reached it?); achievable (can you really do this?); relevant (does it get you closer to a larger goal?); and time-bound (yes, there’s a deadline).
Of course, people with depression often struggle with motivation. There’s a catch-22 at work here: you know you’ll feel better after you get started on the day’s tasks, but you don’t always have the emotional bandwidth to do so. For many people, though, motivation isn’t motivation. Instead, motivation is a reward pathway that follows the initial action. That’s right: motivation is a misnomer. It’s the feeling of satisfaction that comes as a response to completing a task, not the excitement that spurs us to get started. Some people do experience a feeling of motivation before doing their first task of the day, but that might be because their brains have learned over time that task completion satisfaction follows action.
Habit is key here. The more often you complete tasks on your to-do lists, the more your mind will anticipate the pleasure of doing so. Jeff Haden writes about this concept in The Motivation Myth: How High Achievers Really Set Themselves Up to Win, as does Daniel Pink in his popular book Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us.
When thinking through ways to get more done, consider the following strategies:
Keep to-do lists and use them daily.
Start the day with a relatively easy task–an initial win to get your motivational ignition lighted. Then move on to the more challenging stuff.
When feeling unable to start a difficult task, tell yourself you’ll spend just a minute on it (even thirty seconds if that works better for you). Often, you’ll find that getting started is the hardest part and after the minute passes, you’ll want to keep going.
Ask a friend to be physically present with you while you catch up on time-consuming needs like laundry, organizing and the like.
Create time blocks of a predetermined length during which you focus on work alone: no texting, emailing, scrolling, etc.
Get more sleep. (More on this later.)
In What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, author David Di Salvo has some additional advice. Get fast feedback, he says–even if you have to ask a friend to congratulate you on a task well done. When accomplishment and encouragement happen close together in time, your brain is more likely to associate the two. Also, keep in mind that some people are motivated more by achievement and some are motivated more by enjoyment. In one study, achievement-motivated people presented with a word puzzle that was described by researchers as “fun” didn’t do as well as when it was described as “a challenge;” for enjoyment-motivated individuals, the opposite was true. If you’re the fun-motivated type, find the fun in your to-dos. If you’re the achievement-motivated type, find the challenge. This framing might also be relevant if you decide to reward yourself for following through on an important goal. Would an enjoyable activity or indulgence work best? Or would it be more effective to track your progress in a phone app?
Though more focused on organizational change, the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath might be worth a read as well. Research- and evidence-based, it discusses ways to increase your emotional desire to change, how to build new habits by “shrinking the change” and “tweaking the environment,” and more.
Finally, if you suspect you might have attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), consider seeing a specialist.
In your treatment plan notebook, on your phone or in another handy location, create a long-term to-do list, a short-term to-do list, and an ongoing to-do list. Add tasks that relate to your treatment plan as well as other work and life tasks that need to be done. Check the lists daily and get in the habit of accomplishing at least a few items every day. Update the lists frequently.
This is chapter one of my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home. Get your copyat Amazon or at your online retailer of choice today.
***
The other day, I read the craziest thing. Not crazy in the hyperbolic sense, either—actually a bit crazy. And you know what? Part of me believes it anyway.
It was in the book Zero Limits by spirituality writer Joe Vitale, and the words came from the guru who is the subject of said book. His name is Hew Len, and according to him, he has regular two-way interactions—yes, entire conversations—with all sorts of inanimate objects. My favorite line of his, said of a shabby hotel conference room: “This room says its name is Sheila.”
I know, I know: that’s what I thought, too. Still, this isn’t an entirely novel belief. Only a few weeks before reading Zero Limits I read the book Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of the Soul by Jane Roberts, which discusses something similar. Seth is the spirit entity channeled by the author back in the 1960s, and the supposed true author of this and several of Roberts’ other books. I figure that anyone who lives in another plane of existence deserves a fair hearing, and because of this I’m tempted to believe him when he says things like, “There is consciousness even in a nail …”
Okay, so you might not be as susceptible to mysticism as I am. And trust me when I say I’m not trying to convert you or anything. I share these quotes simply because doing so makes me feel a bit less kooky when I make the first major philosophical statement of this book, namely: your house is like a person; it has a soul.
Your house is a kindly grandmother or an accomplished musician. It’s a garbage collector or a playful child or an artist. It has an identity and it has a personality, and when you spend time with it, that personality is communicated. It is felt.
Your house is like a person. It has a soul. And that soul can, like a good book, be a friend.
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Beauty is actually pretty important
Every time you walk through the front door of your home—or anyone’s home, for that matter—your mood changes immediately. As soon as you take in the entrance and the first room, your levels of enjoyment, comfort and peace shift in subtle ways. Because that’s what happens to us all when we enter a new space: we take on a little bit of its message. This is why people spend even more money on venue and decorations for a party than they spend on music and food. Being around people you love is great, and you can probably enjoy them anywhere. But being somewhere nice with those same people is much, much nicer. It’s worth the extra money, the extra effort.
People often ask why other people like to go camping. The answer is obvious: the beauty. It’s not the hiking, or the swimming, or the campfire with the s’mores (though I love all these things)—you can get those at a cabin. It’s the feeling of waking up in the morning smelling truly fresh air and stumbling to the bathroom surrounded by trees. It’s making coffee and pancakes outside, in one of the many places on the earth that are absolutely perfectly designed, exactly as they are.
No French doors. No balcony. No granite counter tops and tile back splashes. No fountain-like bathroom taps; you’ll use a water pump that splashes your feet. No gables. No Great Grain Number Three from Sherwin Williams. No microfiber. No just-finished maple hardwood floors. Just nature.
And it’s stunning. Every part of it. Everywhere you look. The birds in the trees, the spider on the log. The dirt is everywhere, and the dirt is wonderful. You wouldn’t think of covering it up or getting rid of it, except inside the tent.
This is why you walked three miles with the heaviest backpack you’ve ever carried or packed your car to the brim, drove a long distance and spent two hours arranging your campsite. This is why you used an outhouse this morning and why you ate dehydrated food for dinner last night. This. Just this. Just the beauty.
Was it worth it? It is for me.
Beauty is important. Beauty makes you feel good. It brings peace. It makes you happier. Of course, our homes will never be beautiful in the way that nature is beautiful. But think about how you feel when you walk into your house every day. Is it a good feeling? If it is, is it as good as it could be? If not, why? What do you want to change?
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Let’s talk about your goal
Soon, I’ll list the five principles of the Naked House. But first, let’s talk for a second about what we’re really doing when we’re doing all this organizing. What is your goal? What are you moving toward? What do you want your home to make you feel?
When I asked myself that question, the answer was obvious. I didn’t want a fancier house, or a bigger house, or even a sunnier, more cheerful one. I just wanted my house to feel peaceful. Home is where we relax. It’s where we go to calm down. I like feeling cheerful, and I understand that some people love yellow kitchens and light blue bathrooms. This isn’t what I wanted, though. I wanted brown. I wanted a muted color palette with very few adornments and an emphasis on the view from our large windows. I wanted my house to look like part of the earth.
Is that what you want, too? Do you want more serenity, simplicity and restfulness in your life? If so, the tips in this book might help. Because here, we’re not just talking about home decor, or cleaning, or organization. What we’re talking about is changing our environment in a way that allows for a fresh new perspective on life.
We’re talking about how to be happier.
Of course, a serene look might not be your goal. You might want a more high-energy look. That’s fine. But consider adding to your vision the element of peace. I contend that even a brighter home with more detail than mine has can benefit from some degree of minimalism.
Whatever look you desire, take a moment before starting your cleaning process to clearly visualize it. Then, if you get discouraged as you work through your rooms, you’ll have a goal image to recall.
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Life is hard. Reorganizing isn’t.
The good news is that you can, of course, make these changes. Even without spending any money, there’s a lot you can do. Behavior change is hard. Character change is really hard. Emotional change is even harder than that. But reorganizing your house? Not hard. Just takes time. Put on a good podcast and it can even be fun. If your brain is telling you otherwise, remind it that it’s just one step. You’re not doing it all in a day. You’re cleaning one shelf, one corner, one area first, and you have a designated box (or two or three) for all the stuff that gets displaced. That box isn’t your job right now. That box is for another day. Today, it’s just this shelf, this corner. And when you’re done, your life will be that much simpler for a good amount of time to come.
There are things in life that are genuinely hard, genuinely suck. Organizing isn’t one of them. It’s easy.
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A brief word on other kinds of clutter
Some people have a difficult time getting rid of their favorite things. Other people enjoy doing so, but lack the time. If you’re the former type, I suggest that you do what you can and pray for grace for the rest. Many experts suggest that the good feelings you get from letting go of the first few things you let go of (the feelings of freedom and self-care) often help inspire you to continue.
For the latter group, a different solution might be needed. Remember, clutter isn’t only in your house; it can be in your life, too. Is there anything you can nix? Anything you can cut back on? Is it possible that at times, you’re afraid of not being busy enough—of being bored? If so, you’re in good company: I detest boredom. But I’ve learned to busy myself in more flexible ways. Instead of taking on a volunteer project or convincing myself I need to work a bit more, earn a bit more money, I come up with time-consuming hobbies that feed me. There’s always something to do, but there’s rarely a deadline. This is how I declutter my busy life.
Another kind of clutter: mind clutter. This one will kill you. If you’re experiencing guilt, regret, anxiety, depression or frequent negativity, please seek help as soon as you can. You don’t deserve that. No one does. It’s garbage.
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What, then, is the Naked House?
Okay, then. Let’s get to it. The Naked House is, in five words, ordered from most important to least:
1. Bare;
2. Organized;
3. Matching;
4. Clean; and
5. Quality.
And really, that’s it—the Naked House philosophy in a nutshell. Our homes may have souls, or they may not, but either way the mood they convey affects us. And a house that has all or most of these five traits is the one that I believe helps us find the inner calm that we seek.
In this book we will tour the Naked House room by room, noticing how these concepts are applied. First, though, an overview of each of these five principles in turn.
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The Naked House is bare; or,The solution is almost always fewer things
When it comes to making your home a more peaceful place, the solution is almost always fewer things. That’s not the only place in this book I’m going to make that statement, and there’s a good reason for that: the first and most important principle of the Naked House is that it’s bare. (That’s why it’s called “naked,” after all.) And so, the question becomes: what exactly do I mean by this term?
Well, what is the image you have in your mind when I use the word “bare”? Is it a room that is completely empty, as if no one lives there at all? Or is there a couch and a few chairs, maybe even a vase with some flowers? For the purposes of this book, the terms “bare” and “naked” aren’t so much about wearing no clothes as they are about wearing nothing that distracts from your beauty.
It is the complete absence of clutter.
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