In a word, The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in an Age of Colorblindness is stunning. In it, author Michelle Alexander carefully walks the reader through the many legal and law enforcement practices that raise the statistical chances of people of color being incarcerated (most often for minor drug offenses), then, once branded felons, denied civil rights and social services.
Read it to gain a basic understanding of multi-systemic racism in America.
The Summary
African Americans and other people of color are brought into the U.S. criminal justice system at a much higher rate than White people. This mass incarceration can be considered the new Jim Crow–the new system for propagating racism and segregation.
The path to mass incarceration, Alexander writes, includes:
Government programs that (handsomely) incentivise local law enforcement agencies to increase drug-related arrests in any way necessary;
Pinpointing poor neighborhoods for random searches and seizures, which should be illegal but through many legal loopholes, now are effectively entirely legal;
Using very minor driving offenses as an excuse to search and seize;
Inflating penalties for minor drug offenses (such as possession of a small amount of drugs or even being present when drug crimes take place) to frightening (and unconstitutional) levels in order to pressure people to take plea bargains–even people who are entirely innocent of any crime;
Removing civil rights, such as the right to vote, from people branded felons;
Removing social services, such as child care, food benefits and housing from people branded felons;
Allowing places of employment and housing to discriminate based on felon status;
and more.
For people of color, the U.S. criminal justice system is a nearly inescapable entrance to a parallel universe in which Constitutional and other rights are systematically removed and thriving is greatly hindered.
About the Author
Michelle Alexander is an American author, lawyer, and legal scholar. She is best known for her book The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness, which was published in 2010. The book critiques the U.S. criminal justice system and argues that mass incarceration functions as a system of racial control, similar to the Jim Crow laws of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Alexander has also written for several prominent publications, including The New York Times, The Nation, and The Colorlines. She is a graduate of Stanford Law School and has taught at a number of universities, including Ohio State University, where she was an associate professor of law.
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience is one of those nonfiction books I hear quoted most–and the love doesn’t seem to be subsiding. Written by one of the founders of the positive psychology movement, psychologist and researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, it makes a single point, and makes it well: if you want to enjoy what you do, seek flow.
Read this book because you want to figure out how to hack work in such a way that makes it feel like play.
Key Takeaways
Flow, says the author, is a state of focus during which a person loses self-consciousness and time-consciousness and is deeply engaged in the process at had.
Flow isn’t a mysterious condition, though; it comes when three specific, identifiable conditions are met. These are: an appropriate level of challenge; clear goals and feedback, and control/autonomy.
Autonomy can be achieved in even small ways, and the difference it makes to work satisfaction can hardly be overstated.
Flow can be achieved even during what some consider routine or menial tasks. The book tells the story of a farmer in the Italian Alps who enjoys all her various tasks, from dawn to dusk. When asked which task she enjoys most, she named them all, one by one. The book also features a self-taught welder who mastered every phase of his plant’s operation and, in his spare time, built a backyard garden (with rainbow features!). “It could be said that they work sixteen hours a day, but it could also be said that they never work,” the author writes of these workers.
About the Author
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is a Hungarian psychologist and researcher. He is known for his work on the concept of “flow,” a state of complete engagement and enjoyment in an activity. He has written several books and articles on the subject, and his work has had a significant impact on the fields of psychology and positive psychology. Csikszentmihalyi has received numerous awards and honors for his contributions to the field of psychology.
Don’t worry: it’s not another book on spirituality, even though it might sound like it. Instead, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach is a primer on being a human being with feelings.
Read it to find out an exciting (but not new) way of accepting the ups and downs of life.
The Summary
Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting what is–even the bad stuff. Every aspect of your current experience is healthy, Brach writes. Radical acceptance is also the practice of unconditionally accepting yourself.
Most of us have an internal story about our own acceptability and enoughness. We are not good enough, perfect enough, etc. At heart, we believe that something is fundamentally wrong with us–something that we need to fix.
Only when we first accept ourselves, can we change what we prefer to change.
To combat this, accept every emotional experience that comes. Doing so–saying “yes” to our experiences–doesn’t cause us to become apathetic. Instead, self-acceptance allows us to grow at a relaxed but consistent pace.
Human nature finds apathy and stagnation uncomfortable, disagreeble–almost impossible. We consistently desire to grow and improve, especially when we feel good about ourselves.
One way to learn radical acceptance is to practice pauses. Pause, notice, sit with and accept whatever you are experiencing in the moment. Do this when emotionally flooded, and also make a habit of pausing throughout your day.
Offer unconditional friendliness to your pain, suffering, insecurities and all other feelings. Invite the feelings to tea, so to speak.
Name these insecure and painful thoughts as a way of noticing them.
Instead of resisting everything, agree with everything. Silently whisper, “yes” to it all. It will feel mechanical and insincere at first, but in time, it will feel more natural.
Don’t blame yourself and criticize yourself for your pain, illogic, insecurities and other negativity. Simply notice and accept.
About the Author
Tara Brach is a psychologist, author, and teacher of mindfulness and Buddhist meditation. She is the founder and senior teacher of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, D.C. and a guiding teacher at the Spirit Rock Meditation Center in California. Tara is known for her work in the field of mindfulness and emotional healing, and has written several books, including the popular Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha.
It’s been many, many years since John Gottman started bossing around the world of marriage counseling, and guess what? He’s still bossing it. As far as I can tell, no one’s ideas or research have influenced couples counseling practices more than those of this psychologist and researcher from way back.
There are some drawbacks to reading Gottman, though. To me, Gottman’s many books are highly repetitive in nature and lack a sophisticated edit. Clearly, Gottman is a researcher first and a writer second, but that’s okay. That’s why we have book summaries.
The Takeaways
Four bad communication habits are responsible for much of the world’s communication-related distress: criticism, contempt, stonewalling/withdrawal; and defensiveness. Anger and arguments are not likely to become a serious problem in a relationship if they are not accompanied by one of these behaviors. (That’s good news!)
Criticism is a form of complaint that points to a person’s attributes as the source of a problem rather than pointing to their behavior. Replace a person-focused criticism with a problem-focused complaint, Gottman recommends. Note that “I” statements are usually complaints and “you” statements are usually attacks/criticisms (though not always).
Use a “soft startup” to a disagreement by beginning with a complaint rather than a criticism.
Contempt is the worst of what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In his research he found that the presence of this habit is most predictive of divorce. Replace mean-spirited contempt or condescension such as eye-rolling with compliments and nonverbal signs of respect.
Stonewalling sometimes occurs due to emotional flooding–a physical and psychological response to emotional stress. To effectively handle emotional flooding, take a break, then return to the discussion once your emotions have stabilized.
Defensiveness is one of the most common, if not the most common, communication difficulty. When someone is defensive, they are more likely to interpret others’ comments and actions as threats and respond with resistance, anger, or aggression. This type of response can escalate conflicts, create barriers to effective communication, and damage relationships. Additionally, being defensive often leads to a lack of self-awareness and a failure to see one’s own role in conflicts. This can prevent individuals from learning and growing and can result in repeated patterns of negative behavior. Replace defensiveness by discussing one topic at a time, not responding to personal attacks, and listening with open-mindedness and assumptions of good intention.
“Negative sentiment override” occurs when one or both partners assume the worst of the other person (negative intentions, etc.). This is another problem to avoid whenever possible, as it causes defensiveness.
There are three types of communication styles: conflict-avoiding, validating, and volatile. Conflict-avoiders argue infrequently and opt to agree to disagree while focusing on the positive aspects of a situation. Validators prioritize compromise and approach conflicts calmly and objectively. They are known for their kindness but may lack honesty and independence. Volatile couples are prone to frequent and passionate arguments, but also enjoy making up in similar fashion. They are candid and honest, but prone to being easily upset.
When both partners the same style, any style can be healthy.
Gottman believes that one of the most effective ways to improve marriages is to simply increase positive affect and decrease negative affect in both verbal and nonverbal ways. Even small gestures like looking up from your phone, smiling and physically turning toward your partner can make a significant difference.
For a relationship to be healthy, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should be at least 5:1. If negative interactions outweigh positive ones, the relationship is likely in trouble.
The failure to acknowledge repair attempts is the central predictor of divorce. As much as possible, turn toward your partner instead of turning away.
Recognize that some issues may be unsolvable at present, as 69% of conflicts often go unresolved.
Focus on creating a sense of understanding and connection by showing interest in each other’s lives and sharing personal dreams, with a commitment to supporting one another.
Establish a shared sense of meaning and purpose.
Whenever possible, de-escalate arguments through agreement and validation.
Practice good listening skills by doing the “speaker-listener exercise.” This involves one person (the speaker) expressing their thoughts and feelings about a specific issue, while the other person (the listener) focuses on understanding and validating the speaker’s perspective. The listener summarizes and reflects back what they have heard, avoiding interruptions and making the speaker feel heard and understood. The exercise is repeated with the roles reversed, allowing both partners to have a turn at speaking and listening. The goal of the exercise is to build trust, increase understanding, and reduce conflict.
Acknowledge the goal of the conversation: is it to be heard, or is it to solve a problem? Don’t rush to problem solve for or with your partner unless they ask you to.
Gottman Book Selections
Gottman’s most well-known books include:
“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”: This book provides a framework for building a strong and healthy marriage, based on Gottman’s research on what makes relationships successful.
“Why Marriages Succeed or Fail”: This book provides a scientific analysis of what makes marriages work and what causes them to fail.
“And Baby Makes Three”: This book provides advice on how to maintain a strong relationship after having a baby and how to navigate the challenges of parenthood as a couple.
“The Mathematics of Marriage”: This book offers a data-driven approach to improving relationships, and provides practical tools and techniques for building a stronger and more fulfilling partnership.
About the Author
John Gottman is a renowned American psychologist and relationship expert. He is a professor emeritus in psychology at the University of Washington and the co-founder of The Gottman Institute, which provides workshops and resources for couples and mental health professionals. Gottman is the author of numerous books on relationships and his research has been featured in many media outlets.
Make no mistake: Self-help reading isn’t just self-help books. Nonfiction of all kinds contributes to a person’s physical, intellectual, emotional, financial, spiritual, and relational well-being. For this reason, I’ve made use of my obsession with all kinds of nonfiction (and love of note-taking) to compile a comprehensive-as-possible recommended reading list for people looking to achieve their own feats of great strength. This list includes books on business, finance, psychology, sociology, history, spirituality and more. For each book listed, I provide a brief content summary, then offer practical takeaways from a self-help lens.
Does your next feat of great strength require research–more than you have time to do? Subscribe to the right for a comprehensive self-improvement self-education, featuring summaries and tips from over 400 works of psychology, sociology, biography, history, anthropology, spirituality, science, memoir, economics, self-help and more.
Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work, Chip Heath and Dan Heath
Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, Chip and Dan Heath
Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin Seligman
Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Martin Seligman
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, Martin Seligman
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown
I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, Brene Brown
Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution., Brene Brown
Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions, Dan Ariely
The Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home, Dan Ariely
Irrationally Yours: On Missing Socks, Pickup Lines, and Other Existential Puzzles, Dan Ariely
Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl
12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, Jordan B. Peterson
This is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More. For Young and Old Alike, Augusten Burroughs
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence, Gavin de Becker
The Noonday Demon: An Atlas Of Depression, Andrew Solomon
Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why, Laurence Gonzales
The Hilarious World of Depression, John Moe
Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression–And the Unexpected Solutions, Hari Johann
Blissology: The Art and Science of Happiness, Andy Baggott
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Joe Dispenza
Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations, Robert Firestone
Depression: How It Happens and How It’s Healed, John Medina
Depression Is Contagious: How the Most Common Mood Disorder Is Spreading Around the World and How to Stop It, Michael Yapko
Dibs: In Search of Self: Personality Development in Play Therapy, Virginia Axline
Don’t Shoot the Dog: The Art of Teaching and Training, Karen Pryor
Dressing Your Truth: Discover your Personal Beauty Profile, Carol Tuttle
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Daniel Goleman
Engineering Happiness: A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life, Manel Baucells and Rakesh Sarin
Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty, Jonathan Grayson
Happiness: Lessons from a New Science, Richard Layard
Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile, Daniel Nettle
Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener
How We Decide, Jonah Lehrer
Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resistence and Finding Joy, Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff
Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk
The Compass of Pleasure: How Our Brains Make Fatty Foods, Orgasm, Exercise, Marijuana, Generosity, Vodka, Learning, and Gambling Feel So Good, David Linden
The Consuming Instinct: What Juicy Burgers, Ferraris, Pornography and Gift Giving Reveal About Human Nature, Gad Saad
The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love or Sex, David Buss
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter–And How to Make the Most of Them Now, Meg Jay
The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work, Shawn Achor
The Happiness Equation: Want Nothing + Do Anything = Have Everything, Neil Pasricha
The Hidden Brain: How Our Unconscious Minds Elect Presidents, Control Markets, Wage Wars, and Save Our Lives, Shankar Vedantarn
The How of the Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want, Sonja Lyubomirsky
The Inner Game of Work: Focus, Learning, Pleasure, and Mobility in the Workplace, W. Timothy Gallway
The Magic of Thinking Big, David Joseph Schwartz
The Mindful Brain: The Neurobiology of Well-Being, Daniel Siegel
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do, and How to Change, Charles Duhigg
The Power of Negative Thinking: An Unconventional Approach to Achieving Positive Results, Bob Knight and Bob Hammel
The Power of Positive Thinking: A Practical Guide to Mastering the Problems of Everyday Living, Norman Vincent Peale
The Progress Paradox: How Life Gets Better While People Feel Worse, Gregg Easterbrook
The Science of Happiness: How Our Brains Make Us Happy-and What We Can Do to Get Happier, Stefan Klein and Stephen Lehmann
The Smart But Scattered Guide to Success: How to Use Your Brain’s Executive Skills to Keep Up, Stay Calm, and Get Organized at Work and at Home, Peg Dawson and Richard Guare
The Underachiever’s Manifesto: The Guide to Accomplishing Little and Feeling Great, Ray Bennett
Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill
Tinker Dabble Doodle Try Unlock the Power of the Unfocused Mind, Srinivasan S. Pillay
Unchain Your Brain: 10 Steps to Breaking the Addictions That Steal Your Life, Daniel Amen and David Smith
What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, David DiSalvo
Why We Feel: The Science of Human Emotion, Victor Johnston
You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You’re Deluding Yourself, David McRaney
You Need Help!: A Step-by-Step Plan to Convince a Loved One to Get Counseling, Mark Komrad and Rosalynn Carter
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed, Lori Gottlieb Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life, Christie Tate
No Contest: The Case Against Competition, Alfie Kohn
The Homework Myth: Why Our Kids Get Too Much of a Bad Thing, Alfie Kohn
Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes, Alfie Kohn
In Their Own Way: Discovering and Encouraging Your Child’s Multiple Intelligences, Thomas Armstrong
Seven Kinds of Smart: Identifying and Developing Your Multiple Intelligences, Thomas Armstrong
Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Our Children Really Learn–And Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek
Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences, Howard Gardner
Free-Range Learning: How Homeschooling Changes Everything, Laura Grace Weldon
Talent Is Overrated: What Really Separates World-class Performers From Everybody Else, Geoffrey Colvin
The Mismeasure of Man, Stephen Jay Gould
The Well-Educated Mind: A Guide to the Classical Education You Never Had, Susan Wise Bauer
The Well-trained Mind: A Guide to a Classical Education at Home, Susan Wise Bauer
What Your Kindergartener Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Kindergarten Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your First Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good First-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Second Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Second-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Third Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Third-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Fourth Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Fourth-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Fifth Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Fifth-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
What Your Sixth Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good Sixth-Grade Education, E.D. Hirsch
Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care for Your Baby and Young Child, Katie Allison Granju and Betsy Kennedy
Between Parents and Child, Haim G. Ginott
Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five, John Medina
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen: From Toddlers to Teenagers; Connecting with Your Children at Every Age, H. Norman Wright
If I Have to Tell You One More Time …: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling, Amy McCready
Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder, Richard Louv
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, Adele Faber andd Elaine Mazlish
Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right, Jamie Glowacki
Parenting with Dignity: Getting Beyond Crisis Management–A Five-Point Plan for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids, Mac Bledsoe
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, Foster Cline and Jim Fay
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, John Gottman and Joan DeClaire
The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby From Birth to Age Two, Barry Sears
The Case for Make-Believe: Saving Play in a Commercialized World, Susan Linn
The Trouble with Perfect: How Parents Can Avoid the Overachievement Trap and Still Raise Successful Children, Elisabeth Guthrie and Kathy Matthews
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, Alfie Kohn
Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being A Great Parent Is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think, Bryan Douglas Caplan
The Child Whisperer: The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful and Cooperative Children, Carol Tuttle
Loving What Is: How Four Questions Can Change Your Life, Byron Katie
A Mind at Home with Itself: How Asking Four Questions Can Free Your Mind, Open Your Heart, and Turn Your World Around, Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell
Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book One, Neale Donald Walsch
Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book Two, Neale Donald Walsch
Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book Three, Neale Donald Walsch
Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing, Anita Moorjani
Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness, Jon Kabat-Zinn
I Need Your Love–Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead, Byron Katie
Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, Sharon Salzberg
Many Lives, Many Masters: The True Story of a Prominent Psychiatrist, His Young Patient, and the Past-Life Therapy That Changed Both Their Lives, Brian Weiss
Meditation Without Gurus: A Guide to the Heart of Practice, Clark Strand
Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life, Thich Nhat Hanh
Living Buddha, Living Christ, Thich Nhat Hanh
Stealing Jesus: How Fundamentalism Betrays Christianity, Bruce Bawer
The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery, Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz
The Quantum Doctor: A Quantum Physicist Explains the Healing Power of Integrative Medicine, Amit Goswami
The Search For Grace: A Documented Case of Murder and Reincarnation, Bruce Goldberg
The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity, William Young
Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life, Jon Kabat-Zinn
You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter, Joe Dispenza
How God Changes your Brain: Breakthrough Findings From A Leading Neuroscientist, Andrew Newberg
Life After Life: The Investigation of a Phenomenon–Survival of Bodily Death, Raymond A. Moody, Jr.
Everything You Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d, Candace Pert
Molecules of Emotion: Why You Feel the Way You Feel, Candace Pert
Science and the Near-Death Experience: How Consciousness Survives Death, Chris Carter
Visions, Trips, and Crowded Rooms, David Kessler
The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness, Pema Chodron
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Pema Chodron
Ignore Everybody and 39 Other Keys to Creativity, Hugh MacLeod
Aspects of the Novel, E.M. Forster
A Whack On the Side of the Head: How You Can Be More Creative, Roger von Oech
Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, Anne Lamott
Don’t Make Me Think!: A Common Sense Approach to Web Usability, Steve Krug
Good Prose: The Art of Nonfiction, Tracy Kidder and Richard Todd
Hey, Whipple, Squeeze This: A Guide to Creating Great Ads, Luke Sullivan
Hooked: Write Fiction That Grabs Readers at Page One and Never Lets Them Go, Leslie Edgerton How Fiction Works, James Wood
How to Be Funny: The One and Only Practical Guide for Every Occasion, Situation, and Disaster (No Kidding), Jon Macks
Manuscript Makeover: Revision Techniques No Fiction Writer Can Afford to Ignore, Elizabeth Lyon On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, Steven King
Plot and Structure: Techniques and Exercises for Crafting a Plot That Grips Readers from Start to Finish, James Scott Bell
Save the Cat!: The Last Book on Screenwriting You’ll Ever Need, Blake Snyder
Save the Cat! Goes to the Movies: The Screenwriter’s Guide to Every Story Ever Told, Blake Snyder
Sick in the Head: Conversations about Life and Comedy, Judd Apatow
Spunk and Bite: A Writer’s Guide to Punchier, More Engaging Language and Style, Arthur Plotnik
The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Lester Kaufman and Jane Straus
The Elements of Style, William Strunk, Jr. and E.B. White
The Fire in Fiction: Passion, Purpose, and Techniques to Make Your Novel Great, Donald Maass
The Non-Designer’s Design Book, Robin Williams
The Plot Whisperer: Secrets of Story Structure Any Writer Can Master, Martha Alderson
The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battle, Steven Pressfield
The Well-Fed Writer: Financial Self-Sufficiency as a Commercial Freelancer in Six Months or Less, Peter Bowerman
The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers, Christopher Vogler
Writing Irresistible Kidlit: The Ultimate Guide to Crafting Fiction for Young Adult and Middle Grade Readers, Mary Cole
Writing the Breakout Novel: Insider Advice for Taking Your Fiction to the Next Level, Donald Maas
Your Life Is A Book: How to Craft and Publish Your Memoir, Brenda Peterson and Sarah Jane Freymann
Memoir
When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi
Educated: A Memoir, Tara Westover
Go Ask Alice, Anonymous
A Stolen Life: A Memoir, Jaycee Dugard
A House in the Sky, Amanda Lindhout and Sara Corbett
Into the Wild, John Krakauer
Untamed, Glennon Doyle
Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis
The Cross and the Switchblade, David Wilkerson
A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken
A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis
Classic Nonfiction
The Holy Bible The writings of Buddha (500s–300s BCE) The Analects, Confucius (500s BCE) Tao Te Ching, Lao Tze (500s BCE) The Art of War, Sun Tzu (500s BCE) The Magna Carta (1200s) The Declaration of Independence (1700s) The Constitution of the United States (1700s) The Bill of Rights (1700s) The Interesting Narrative of the Life of Olaudah Equiano, Olaudah Equiano (1700s) Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, Thomas de Quincey (1800s) The Gettysburg Address (1800s) Narrative of Sojourner Truth, Sojourner Truth (1800s) Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe (1800s) Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, Harriet Jacobs (1800s) Walden, Henry David Thoreau (1800s) Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, An American Slave, Frederick Douglass (1800s) The Souls of Black Folks, W. E. B. DuBois (1900s) Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man, James Weldon Johnson (1900s) I Have a Dream, Martin Luther King, Jr. (1900s) The Diary of a Young Girl, Anne Frank (1900s) The Story of My Life, Helen Keller (1900s) Roots, Alex Haley (1900s) Autobiography of Malcom X, Malcom X (1900s) The Jungle, Upton Sinclair (1900s) Black Boy, Richard Wright (1900s) Native Son, Richard Wright (1900s) Black Like Me, John Howard Griffin (1900s) The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom (1900s) A Brief History of Time, Stephen Hawking (1900s) The Meaning of It All, Richard Feynman (1900s)
Advanced Classic Nonfiction
The Histories, Herodotus (400s BCE) The Republic, Plato (400s BCE) History of the Peloponnesian War, Thucydides (400s BCE) Rhetoric, Aristotle (300s BCE) Apology, Plato (300s BCE) Nichomachean Ethics, Aristotle (300s BCE) On the Nature of Things, Lucretius (60s BCE) De Republica, Cicero (50s BCE) The Early History of Rome, Livy (20s BCE) Wars of the Jews, Josephus (70s CE) Annals, Tacitus (100s CE) The Twelve Caesars, Suetonius (100s CE) Anabasis of Alexander, Arrian (100s CE) Meditations, Marcus Aurelius (100s CE) Lives of Noble Greeks and Romans, Plutarch (100s CE) Enchiridion, Epictetus (100s CE) The Confessions, Saint Augustine (300s) The City of God, St. Augustine (400s) The Consolation of Philosophy, Boethius (500s) The Quran (600s) The Ecclesiastical History, Adam Bede (700s) The Letters of Abelard and Heloise, Peter and Heolise Abelard (1100s) Summa Theologiae, Thomas Aquinas (1200s) The Imitation of Christ, Thomas a Kempis (1400s) In Praise of Folly, Erasmus (1500s) The Education of a Christian Prince, Erasmus (1500s) The Freedom of a Christian, Martin Luther (1500s) Institutes of the Christian Religion, John Calvin (1500s) History of the Reformation, John Knox (1500s) The Life of Saint Teresa of Avila, Teresa of Avila (1500s) The Interior Castle, St. Teresa of Avila (1500s) Dark Night of the Soul, St. John of the Cross (1500s) The Defense of Poesy, Sir Philip Sidney (1500s) Novum Organum, Frances Bacon (1600s) The Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes (1600s) Meditations on First Philosophy, Rene Descartes (1600s) Discourse on Method, Rene Descartes (1600s) Essay Concerning Human Understanding, John Locke (1600s) The Second Treatise of Government, John Locke (1600s) The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Samuel Pepys (1600s) Wonders of the Invisible World, Cotton Mather (1600s) An Essay on Criticism, Alexander Pope (1700s) An Essay on Man, Alexander Pope (1700s) The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Benjamin Franklin (1700s) The Rights of Man, Thomas Paine (1700s) Common Sense, Thomas Paine (1700s) On Liberty, John Stuart Mill (1800s) The Social Contract, Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1700s) The Journal of John Woolman, John Woolman (1700s) The Wealth of Nations, Adam Smith (1700s) A Critique of Pure Reason, Immanuel Kant (1700s) On American Taxation, Edmund Burke (1700s) Life of Johnson, James Boswell (1700s) The Federalist Papers, Alexander Hamilton (1700s) Memoir, Correspondence and Misc., Thomas Jefferson (1800s) The Memoirs of Victor Hugo, Victor Hugo (1800s) Democracy in America, Alexis de Tocqueville (1800s) A Child’s History of England, Charles Dickens (1800s) For Self-Examination, Soren Kierkegaard (1800s) On the Origin of the Species by Means of Natural Selection, Charles Darwin (1800s) The Education of Henry Adams, Henry Adams (1800s) Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Frederich Nietzsche (1800s) Beyond Good and Evil, Frederich Nietzsche (1800s) An Autobiography, Annie Besant (1800s) Notes on Nursing, Florence Nightingale (1800s) Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler (1900s) Civilization and Its Discontents, Sigmund Freud (1900s) The Ego and the Id, Sigmund Freud (1900s) The Interpretation of Dreams, Sigmund Freud (1900s)
Other Recommended Books
703: How I Lost More Than a Quarter Ton and Gained a Life, Nancy Makin A Backpack, a Bear, and Eight Crates of Vodka: A Memoir, Lev Golinkin A Field Guide to Happiness: What I Learned in Bhutan About Living, Loving, and Waking Up, Linda Leaming Aku-Aku: The Secret of Easter Island, Thor Heyerdahl An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, Elizabeth McCracken Angry Fat Girls/Eating Ice Cream with My Dog, Frances Kuffel A Queer and Pleasant Danger, Kate Bornstein As a Man Thinketh: Classic Wisdom for Proper Thought, Strong Character, and Right Actions, James Allen Running with Scissors: A Memoir, Augusten Burroughs Dry: A Memoir, Augusten Burroughs Lust and Wonder, Augusten Burroughs A Wolf at the Table, Augusten Burroughs Toil and Trouble: A Memoir, Augusten Burroughs Autobiography of A Face, Lucy Grealy A Way of Being, Carl Rogers A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman, Joan Anderson Basic Counseling Techniques: A Beginning Therapist’s Toolkit, Wayne Perry Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist’s Memoir, Irvin Yalom Beyond Order, Jordan B. 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Kelly
Kandra Hughes has been a professional housesitter since 2016. She is
also a minimalism coach. Visit
her website
at KellyKandraHughes.com.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly changed your life to become more
minimalist? What led to the decision and what did you change?
Kelly:
Yes. I got rid of approximately 95 percent of my belongings by
donating, giving away, selling, recycling, or trashing them.
Essentially, I wasn’t happy in my current life and I wanted to make
radical changes. I followed a career trajectory of which some people
only dream: college, a PhD program (for which I had a full-ride
scholarship), tenure track position, and tenure. Yet it wasn’t the
life I really wanted to live. I had all sorts of health issues
related to stress and sleep. My weight dropped to 97 pounds. I
developed severe adult acne. I used
to hope
that I would get in a nonfatal car crash, just so I could take a
break from my life for a while.
It
wasn’t until I was granted a paid sabbatical for the 2014-2015
academic year that I finally got time to myself. I didn’t miss my
job for one second of one minute of one day. That was a wake-up call
to me that I needed to make some changes.
While
on sabbatical, and after I realized I needed to quit my job, I woke
up in the middle of the night and thought, housesitting.
I had already been pet-sitting and housesitting for friends while I
was on a sabbatical. I wrote down my idea and went back to bed.
The
next morning a Google search informed me that, yes, pet-sitting and
housesitting is a viable way to live these days. That became my plan:
to no longer have a place of my own, but to live in other people’s
houses. I didn’t want the burden of storing of my belongings, so I
made the choice to get rid of them. My husband and I have been on a
long-term housesit in the northwest
corner of Connecticut
since September 2016. At the time we began, everything we owned fit
into our car.
Mollie:
What are your most prized beliefs regarding minimalist lifestyle—the
ideas you want most to spread?
Kelly:
The idea I most want to spread is that minimalism is not just about
tidying up and reducing clutter. It’s
about personal growth, and
most importantly, the understanding that there is no one way to best
accomplish this growth. Being a minimalist means you have a good
understanding of who you
are and how you want to live your
own
best life … and then acting
accordingly. This understanding can be accomplished through
self-reflection (e.g., journaling, creating vision boards, praying,
meditating, etc.) or with the help of professionals (e.g.,
therapists, life coaches, pastors, career counselors, etc.).
I
also want people to know that the
first thing I recommend people get rid of is mental clutter.
By knowing who you are and how you want to live your best life, you
can say no to things that don’t serve you. Of course, it’s not easy
and it takes a certain amount of courage to start saying no. But this
freedom then brings benefits in other areas of your life, including
increased time, energy, and financial resources to pursue the things
that are most important to you.
Start
by identifying your core life values. These are the five
to seven
values that are fundamental to who you are as person. Ask yourself
questions such as, “When have I experienced the most joy in my
life? When did I experience my lowest points? What happens on the
days when I can’t wait to get out of bed? What happens on the days
where I dread getting out of bed? Who inspires me? If I could have
any job in the world, what would it be and why? What did I dream of
being when
I was
a child? If I could live a perfect day every day, what would that day
look like? What are some times in my life I thought I was doing the
right thing, but it turned out to be wrong for me?” Look for common
themes and patterns, then name those ideas using a single word, such
as achievement,
service, fairness, creativity,
or spirituality.
The
second thing I recommend is to identify specific interests in your
life related to those values. Values and interests go hand-in-hand.
For example, you may value creativity, but you may have no interest
in Renaissance art.
If that’s the case, next time you visit an art museum, give yourself
the freedom to skip over entire floors and head to the impressionists
who you find whimsical and inspiring. The good news is, you’ve
probably already uncovered most of your interests if you’ve spent
time reflecting on your core life values. Review your answers to the
above questions and notice what specific activities and events are
associated with your more joyful times. Keep those in mind for making
your day-to-day and long-term decisions on how you’re going to spend
your time, effort, and money.
Mollie:
I love everything you said so much. Any
final thoughts, Kelly?
Kelly:
Here’s something
that I don’t think gets mentioned too often: it’s
important to stay open-minded and empathetic to others while living a
minimalist life. I’ve found that people who experience the kind of
personal growth that comes with minimalism are so excited about their
journeys, they think their way is not only the best way, but the only
way. We may end up self-righteous and judgmental of others who are
still struggling on their own paths. I know I certainly did!
We need to remember where we started from and extend empathy to others who may not be there yet. When you live a life of joy and one that lines up with your core life values and interests, people become interested in what you’re doing. When they ask, be happy to give advice on what worked best for you. Otherwise, it’s not our place to judge. Stay focused on your own life and lead by example. I know it’s cliché, but Gandhi was on to something when he said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Kurt
Niziak is a software trainer and data analyst from Massachusetts.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly reorganized and decluttered your home?
What led to the decision and what did you change?
Kurt: Yes, but not consciously. Instead, it
somehow chose me!
Over a decade ago, my career and financial
situation was vastly different. In fact, my own “personal paper
route” (as I call it) was surprisingly easy. Financially, I was
preparing myself for a life of moderate wealth. The bottom fell out,
however, and I was forced to abide by a lifestyle which would be the
antitheses of what I once thought I had.
In July of 2018, I had a major fire in my once
well-furnished condo. I had stepped out of my home for a mere
thirty-five minutes only to return and witness that almost
all of what I had acquired over the years had vanished. I say the
word almost because, my most important possession (my dog) was
miraculously spared. (Thank God).
After the complete shock of losing almost
everything had slowly worn off, I was surprised to feel an incredible
sense of gratitude. I realized that as terrible as things were, at
least my dog was okay. This horrific event proved to be the genesis
of a priceless awakening. I began to understand that I really didn’t
need many possessions in order to keep on living on a day-to-day
basis. Material things somehow revealed themselves in their most
generic form, serving as nothing more than distractions.
Mollie: What is your lifestyle like now?
Kurt: I suppose that I am a bit more grounded. I
am cognizant about how we are all such insatiable consumers. I try
instead to take better care of the things that I do have, rather than
fantasizing about what I don’t have. Furthermore, before purchasing
or storing anything, I think about whether I really need it.
We all are conditioned to believe that our lives
can only improve via addition—as if we were painting a picture,
adding more and more layers. Unfortunately, this approach seldom gets
us the results we are looking for. Perhaps it’s a sculpture that we
should be creating instead, our goal only arrived at via subtraction.
We discard the pieces that are not necessary.
Mollie: Can you share a few specific tips for
cleaning, organizing and simplifying a home?
Kurt: In his wonderful book 12
Rules of Life: An Antidote to Chaos, Jordan Peterson is
quick to point out an approach towards minimalism which (at first
look) appears rather benign. However, this simple concept has saved
me, time and time again, from the shackles of a personal two- or
three-day funk. Peterson states that one risks feeling depressed,
anxious and powerless should they fail to keep their bedroom clean,
or surroundings in order. Whenever I motivate myself to use this
simple tactic, it has never failed to
make me feel more balanced—more in control.
Cleaning, organizing, etc. are extremely powerful
minimalist tools. They help combat feelings of chaos. If things are
clean and in order, I have a better chance at having a more positive
experience in the outside world. Physical clutter seems to muddle my
brain and often prevents me from having any semblance of harmony. It
is so simple, yet it seems to always have positive results.
Minimalism (to me) is not merely the act of owning
less. It also leads to appreciating things more. It proves itself,
time and time again, as a
powerful life approach. All I know is that when I fail to encompass
minimalism, I am at risk of feeling like nothing more than the
proverbial hole of a doughnut.
I will say however, that my own personal happiness
has neither significantly decreased nor increased over the years. It
is just less complicated. One doesn’t end up wasting time fooling
themselves into thinking that acquiring more will improve one’s
life.
I do what I need to do in order to survive. I often (jokingly) say that I am just as miserable now, as I’ve always been. A bigger house, better car or more stuff will not enhance my life very much. These things might be nice to have but it becomes a fool’s errand to obsessively pursue. It’s just an example of victory through surrender.
A lot of times, when you discover something great, you overestimate its greatness just a bit. Well, okay, sometimes more than a bit.
Sometimes you get way too excited.
Every once in a while, though, your excitement proves justified. And when that happens, you cross the line. Before you were a fan, a follower, an advocate.
Now, you’re a believer.
Granted, when I discovered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, my hopes were high for good reason. According to articles by the National Institute for Mental Health, the National Center for Biotechnology Information and, of course, Wikipedia, CBT is the most-practiced evidence-based therapy for tons of emotional and personality disorders.
More important, when I tried it, it worked.
Unfortunately, I was late to the party; I’ve had depression my whole life, but didn’t learn about CBT till age thirty-eight. Yikes, right? I often wonder what I was thinking, not looking up popular depression therapies sooner. Then I remember exactly what I was thinking.
I was thinking spirituality was the answer.
Ouch.
I mean, spirituality is great. Spirituality works. But sometimes, other stuff works better. And every once in a while, you hit the proverbial jackpot, and you find a regular therapy that’s spiritual, too.
Which is where Byron Katie comes in.
Soon after discovering CBT, I found this teacher, and when I did, the above process repeated itself. Excitement. Enthusiasm. Fandom. Advocacy.
Then, full-on belief.
Here’s how that happened.
***
It was one of Those Moments. You know the kind. They feel normal at first, then later earn an unexpected spot on your greatest-hits playlist. It was evening, and I was depressed—much more so than usual. Worse, earlier that day I’d taken a three-mile walk and even that, my go-to strategy, hadn’t helped. I didn’t get an endorphin high. I didn’t clear my mind.
I felt just as bad after as before.
If you struggle with a mood disorder I don’t have to tell you what a frightening realization this was. Will I have to starting walk more than three miles now? I wondered. Has my body acclimated to this level of exercise? Heavily pregnant, with two other children in tow, I couldn’t imagine putting more time and effort into walking than I already did. And so, after dinner, after my husband had taken our two boys to the mall, I decided to try something different. Desperate, I went to my office to scan the titles on my bookshelf, looking for anything that might help.
I didn’t actually believe I’d find something.
But I did. I found The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns.
One year prior, I’d bought the Handbook on the advice of my doctor and then, after a brief review, dismissed it. Platitudes, I thought. Nothing new here. Nothing I haven’t heard a million times before. I had no idea it was a psychotherapy classic. (Why hadn’t the doctor told me that? Sheesh.)
That day, though—that greatest-hits day—I sat on the couch and for the first time, gave the method a chance. After reading a few chapters, I took its suggestion and started writing down every negative thought in my head. When I couldn’t think of any more, I stopped writing and counted the pages.
I’d filled seven pieces of paper on both sides.
Okay, I thought. Maybe the book is right. Maybe my depression really is caused by my thoughts.
Prior to that time, I knew negativity played a role in depression. But I had no idea how big that role was. I’m a positive person, I thought. I’m hopeful about the future. It’s a chemical imbalance that’s to blame.
And I still believe that. I’ve been moody my whole life—never lighthearted, even as a kid. But maybe, just maybe, there’s more to the story. Maybe part of the problem is solvable.
Because, it turned out, I wasn’t the optimist I thought I was. I was actually sort of the opposite, but in a different way. The kind of thoughts I wrote down that day had nothing to do with my faith in God or my many dreams of success. They weren’t about my overall health, or my financial or familial satisfaction.
They were about the little annoyances of life.
They were about the way my clothes fit, the kids’ morning moods, the tyranny of my family’s need to eat. Only a few of my troubles even mattered long-term. And yet, when I emptied the contents of my head, these silly little details were what I found. Obviously, my pessimism wasn’t as much about the significance of my negative thoughts as it was about the sheer number of them.
I had accumulated a bunch of mental crap.
And so, that night I began the process of excavation. And I haven’t stopped since.
Even after that first writing session, I noticed a change—a lifting, even a slight high. I felt the way I feel after a thirty-minute jog, or a long talk with a friend, or an especially enjoyable night out.
Holy crap, I realized. It worked.
And it did so when I was at my very worst.
And so, like I said before, after discovering CBT, my hopes were ridiculously high. Somehow, I knew that this was my game-changer, my next major level up.
Somehow, I knew it would be epic.
The cool thing is that I was right. During the month that followed the discovery, I was the most hopeful I’d been in my life regarding my ability to deal effectively with—maybe even overcome—my depression. Then, a shocking twist: I found another strategy, a variation of CBT. And for me, it was even more powerful. You probably already know what that method was. It was Byron Katie’s process of self-inquiry called The Work.
Byron Katie is a spiritual teacher, someone you may have heard of before. I had, too; the previous fall I’d even read her free ebook, The Work of Byron Katie: An Introduction. At that time, though, her ideas didn’t particularly appeal to me.
Truth be told, I wasn’t desperate enough to try it.
But after practicing CBT for a while, her name came up again, and I thought back on what I’d read. Wait a sec, I realized, Now that I think about it, The Work is a lot like CBT.
I decided to look into it again.
More about Byron Katie’s method later, and how it compares with CBT. Suffice it to say here that it’s a way to look objectively at your favorite (or not-so-favorite) thoughts. It gives you four questions to ask yourself that help you realize, deep down, what is true and what is, well, a bit crazy.
And as with CBT, my first experience with The Work didn’t disappoint.
Nick D’Urso is a freewheeling AirBnB rental owner. He teaches people how to make their money work for them (rather than the other way around) at NickDurso.com.
Mollie:
Have you ever significantly minimized your possessions and simplified
your life? Tell me the story.
Nick: In July 2019 I left my corporate job back home in Brooklyn, New York. I bought a car in Phoenix, Arizona to drive to Argentina. I pretty much left everything I owned except a few clothes, my laptop, a camera, and a drone. I built a bed in the back of the car and I have been living on the road ever since, camping at some of the most beautiful places in Mexico. I’m about to enter Belize.
My
car is my
home and the world is my
bedroom.
Mollie:
What did you buy along the way? Do you have good camping equipment?
Nick:
I haven’t bought much. I bought a new suspension for the car and two
front
lower control arms. The car is old
and I
was worried about the rust and being stuck in a country with no parts
if something happened. Other than that, I bought a cooler, folding
chairs, and a BBQ. At some point I’ll have to buy winter clothes when
I reach Argentina but I’ll tackle that when I get there. I also
bought a new phone using Google Fi because it works in over 200
countries on their unlimited plan.
Mollie:
How long do you plan to travel and what will you do after that?
Nick:
Everyone
asks me this question. Truthfully I’m planning this trip to find a
place where I can build another AirBNB
property close to the water so I can run scuba diving excursions. I
don’t have a time limit. My goal is to travel around the entire world
and it’s taken me 6 months to do all of Mexico. I promised my mom and
dad I would spend Christmas with them in 2020. But other than that I
don’t have a time limit.
Mollie:
What led to this drastic change?
Nick:
The thing that led me to this decision was being caught up in the
humdrum of everyday corporate life living in New York City. I
personally couldn’t take going to work every day to make money to
spend at a bar on the weekends with friends, over and over again. I
wanted to get more out of life.
Mollie:
What do you want to get out of life?
Nick:
I would like to teach people that money isn’t everything. It’s a
vehicle to get you to where you want to be. We’re all taught that we
need to go to school and get a job that pays well. Everyone wants a
raise and to earn more money. But the truth is that you most likely
make enough money and that money can actually make you more money but
your habits prevent that. People
look at my Instagram and ask me how I do this. I tell them I drive a
‘98 Chevy Blazer with a bed in it. You don’t need a lot of money to
do what I’m doing; you just need to change your habits. And that’s
the mark I want to leave. Money is great, but you don’t need to
exchange time to earn more. Other
than that
I would say I just want to be happy and meet amazing people all
around the world.
Mollie: What are your most prized beliefs
regarding minimalist lifestyle—the ideas you most want to spread?
Nick:
My most prized beliefs behind my minimalist lifestyle change is that
it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about you. I want to spread that
to everyone around. With social media nowadays, most people seem to
be in competition with people they don’t even know.
Mary Potter Kenyon is a grief counselor and the author of seven books, including Called to Be Creative and Refined By Fire: A Journey of Grief. She lives in Dubuque, Iowa. For more information, see MaryPotterKenyon.com.
Mollie:Have you ever significantly reorganized and decluttered your home? What led to the decision and what did you change?
Mary: In April 2018, I was
offered my dream job an hour from where I lived. I made the decision
to sell the four-bedroom, two-story house where my husband David and
I had raised the last four of our eight children. David had died in
2012 and my seventh child was poised to leave the nest, leaving me
with one daughter and a huge house. Not
only did I need to declutter in order to sell my house, the house I
purchased in my new town was 760 square feet. I had to do some
serious purging, with less than two months to do it.
I began by deciding which
furniture could come with me, and my heart sank when I realized my
four bookshelves, my huge solid oak desk and my
mother’s kitchen table would not fit. The owner of the house I was
buying agreed to leave a folding IKEA table in the kitchen, the only
kind of table that worked. Two living room chairs would need to be
sold. A beautiful closed cabinet that was filled with office supplies
and photo albums. A kitchen shelf. The one thing I knew had to come
with me was a shaker-style cabinet I’d inherited from my mother, but
it would need to be emptied of some of her things to make room for
the single shelf of books I would keep.
I went through closets of
clothing. As I pulled things off hangers, I priced those I thought
would sell. I even had a box of my husband’s shirts stashed away,
which my sister Joan agreed to take off my hands and make into
Christmas stockings for my children. I wasn’t just dealing with
stuff, I was dealing with memories, and I
shed tears through the process. I went
through thousands of books. The first two boxes sold for $150 at a
bookstore, alleviating the distress a little. By the time I held my
first garage sale, I’d whittled down my possessions drastically. The
most daunting task, though, was the paper:
a file cabinet and a trunk filled with letters, college papers,
photos, and even scrapbooks from high school. I handed my son a bag
filled with twenty daybooks (daily diaries)
to burn because I couldn’t bear to dispose of them myself.
After two garage sales, several trips to a thrift
store, and even filling my front lawn with items I advertised for
free on a local online giveaway board, I ended up with less than half
my original possessions. By then, it felt freeing to have dealt with
years of accumulated clutter—to have made decisions about which
things meant the most and gave me pleasure and joy when I looked at
them. I would come to regret only the loss of the desk and the
daybooks.
While I no longer have a
separate office, I do have my own space, a back room that spans the
entire width of the house and serves as both bedroom and office.
Everything in it was consciously chosen to survive the Great Purge of
2018. The bedroom portion is sparse: an end table and a twin
bed topped with a mockingbird quilt that matches the curtains.
Outside of a washer and dryer in the opposite far corner, the rest of
the large room is designed around the comfy brown recliner my
children gave me for Christmas. When I sit in it to write or read,
I’m surrounded by things that bring a smile to my face.
There is the Shaker-style cabinet I inherited from
my mother, filled with things I treasure: my collection of
autographed books, a hand-blown glass turtle my son Michael made, a
toy sheep from my childhood, and bricks my daughter Rachel painted to
look like the covers of my books. My grandmother’s trunk is topped
by one of Mom’s quilts and her hand-carved Saint Michael statue,
his sword upraised in regal glory.
Walls are adorned with paintings by my mother and daughter Emily, along with photographs taken by my son Dan, one framed and another on canvas. A rustic wooden rack is attached to one wall, the wire baskets holding stationery and greeting cards. Wooden letters with the cover designs of my six books on another wall spell the word “writer,” handmade by my daughter Elizabeth. Finally, there’s a book-themed lamp atop an end table Katie painted to look like book spines. I love my smaller space.
Here, an excerpt from the interviews section of the book.
ZURIE:
“We Have Two Big Rules in Our House”
Zurie
is 40 years old and has been with her partner for eight years.
Mollie:
What have some of your biggest disagreements as couple been about?
Zurie:
We don’t have children, just cats, which might be why our biggest
fight so far was about cats (except not really). Before that, our
biggest struggle was learning to grocery shop together without
murderous thoughts.
Mollie:
Tell me more about that.
Zurie:
It was a thing when we first moved in together. He works from home
and I was working in an office. We both dislike the task, so we do it
together (unless circumstances prevent it.)
I
made a comment a while back about two types of people (on a
spectrum): basically, planners and non-planners. My husband is
squarely a planner. Lists, schedules, plan of attack. I can (and do)
plan, but can also can make a quick decision just to get something
done.
So
basically, we had several things going wrong.
I’m
an introvert and being at the office all day exhausts me. He works
from home, so he’s excited to go out.
We
weren’t functioning off a list, so we were buying random things that
we did/didn’t need and still having to figure out dinners after.
We
both wanted to shop how we were used to shopping.
I
got mad at him for staring at stacks of American cheese for entirely
too long trying to determine the best price on something that I felt
didn’t matter. He challenged me when I just grabbed a gallon of milk.
“Why that
milk? Do you like it better? This one’s cheaper.”
After
several months and lots of sit-downs and me being mad, then him being
frustrated (not huge fights but intense talks), we’ve figured out and
refined our system:
I
frequently save recipes that I think we’ll enjoy that are healthy
enough for me and easy enough for him. We pick two for the week and
build a list off of that.
We
grocery shop on Sundays so I’m not tired and we have a date night
once a weekish so he gets out of the house. He has also finally,
just this summer, gotten a laptop to give himself the ability to
leave the house once in a while.
There
are brands I’m loyal to. When it’s time to pick up those, I tell
him to kick rocks off to the toilet paper aisle to find us the best
deal. I give in to him on the generic canned beans because I don’t
care and he lets me buy the expensive canned tomatoes without
argument.
It
works so much better now. We usually have as good a time as you can
at the grocery store. And I even stay quiet when he asks the clerk to
put the milk in bags (which is silly because the gallons have
handles!).
Mollie:
You seem like a pretty good problem solver. Do
you use these same negotiating skills in other areas of your
relationship?
Zurie:
We
don’t have to formally negotiate too often. We try and function as a
team so if one person is doing something, the other dives in to help.
We’ve got two big rules in our house:
Everyone
gets what they need.
You
have to ask for what you need.
Spats are usually due to me not being able to sort out what I’m feeling before I get crabby.
Mollie: I love those rules! The needs of one person can be dramatically different from the needs of another. Beautiful way to phrase this concept.
So what was the cat thing about?
Zurie: We fought about when to get a new cat after our last two girls died in the spring. I wanted to get a new one and he wasn’t ready.
Honestly, it was 100 percent me not slowing down to figure out what I was feeling so I could verbalize it. Eventually I just realized that I was in an enormous amount of pain and just wanted something to help. I was deeply disappointed that he wasn’t ready even though it was valid.
Once I worked through all that emotion, I was able to explain what was going on. I apologized and he listened and we compromised. We got new kitties sooner than he was ready for and later than I wanted, but they’re perfect.
Mollie: Is there something about your partner you have tried to change? What was your strategy? How well did it work?
Zurie: Sure, there are things we’ve tried to change about each other. He’s organized, but holy cow was his apartment filthy when he moved out. I’m clean, but completely disorganized. Before we moved in together, we talked a lot about chores and values. He sees the value in having things clean, though he just doesn’t notice it. I see the value in having things organized (being able to find my keys is amazing) but I’m not always as good about it as him.
I think we’ve both really tried to be patient with each other. There are times when I have to remind him that it’s okay if I haven’t put something back where it belongs because there’s a reason I didn’t or whatever. And I have 100 percent complained to myself after he does the dishes that he didn’t scrub down the stove. But I also know that criticizing will just make a person shut down, so I think a lot about “how much does this matter?” I’ve had to teach him how to clean the bathroom and the floors and the kitchen and the reasons behind it. He really gives it a good-faith effort, so I let go of the fact that he doesn’t see the dirt and is always surprised that it’s time to clean. It just doesn’t matter.
Mollie: Can you think of a time you became overly defensive in an argument? Tell me the story.
Zurie: When we first met, he used to tell a joke, then say, “Get it? It’s funny because …” and I used to feel like he thought I was so stupid or not funny if he felt he had to explain every joke to me. My dad was really hard on my brother and me and would ask us if we were stupid whenever we did something wrong, so he was really stepping on a land mine he didn’t know was there. I finally told him one night how much it hurt my feelings. I was angry and asked flat-out if he thought I was an idiot. He was horrified. Apparently, this was just something he had always said as part of a joke. He thought it was funny and had no idea that I took it personally.
While I was relieved that I was misinterpreting, I also made it clear that I was never going to be okay with it. He’d done it for so long that he wasn’t sure he could just stop. So we decided that he would make an honest attempt to say it less and I would make an honest attempt to let it roll off my back if he did say it. And honestly, I haven’t heard it in years.
Mollie: Do you think it’s important to apologize even when you weren’t exactly in the wrong, or do you save your apologies for the important stuff?
Zurie: We tend to apologize to each other when we feel it’s warranted. Honestly, we don’t fight dirty or often so I don’t feel that I’ve had to apologize when I wasn’t exactly wrong.
Mollie: Generally speaking, how much do you enjoy partnership? What do you like about it?
Zurie: I love being married. We haven’t reached a point yet where I’ve considered it difficult or a hardship. I really enjoy being on a team with him. I can be exactly who I am at any given moment with him. I can be ridiculous and silly or sad or a big baby and he understands and loves it. I love doing the same for him. I love hearing him sing songs to the cats or laugh at his podcasts while he works. I am so delighted and thankful to be with him and he seems to feel the same way. We married late-ish—I was thirty-seven and he was forty—so we’d gone through those mid-twenties struggles already and had started establishing our own values when we met. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Mollie: Do you have any ongoing arguments that can’t seem to be resolved, even with your great communication skills?
Zurie: Not that I can think of, so definitely nothing major. Things are tough right now for us, but not between us. I’m lucky: he’s funny, responsible, hard working, compassionate and loyal. We make a good team.
Here, an excerpt from the interviews section of the book.
CAL: “Finally, Our House Feels Like a Home”
Cal,
age forty-four, has four children with his wife of twenty years.
Mollie:
Is there an argument that just keeps coming up between you and your
wife?
Cal:
Many of the long-running arguments that we have seen to be centered
around the lack of defined roles in our relationship. We are both
products of the feminist movement—women aren’t going to be forced
to be at home taking care of children and cooking dinner! So the
systems of our household are perpetually left leaderless as both
adults strive for success and validation outside our home.
This
lack of definition has plagued us since the days we just started
living together and couldn’t agree on who did what chores and who was
responsible for what. It’s rather embarrassing to say that we still
run across these problems twenty years later. At least a few
generations ago they had one person who gathered resources and one
person who saw that those resources were well managed in producing a
family. Now we are both responsible for everything, and that leads to
chaos and frustration for us.
Mollie:
Can
you give me more specifics? Which chores are still up for grabs?
Which chores have you come to an agreement on?
Cal: We have written out three
sheets of information for the family. One sheet gives our vision,
values, expectations and measures of success. It’s funny that after
being married over twenty years we are still working out what our
vision for our home is. We’ve had other vision statements in the
past, but they seem to have a finite life span. The vision needs to
be renewed and revived periodically; for us, it seems like we can
agree on one for about two years.
The next sheet shows the
systems we are working on to make the household run more smoothly. We
started with agreeing on twenty minutes of cleaning and that’s going
really well thus far (maybe for the past two months). We’re still
working on figuring out the rest.
Finally, we have a chores
sheet. This is laminated (yes, we have a laminator and every family
needs one!). We assign and check off the chores using a dry erase
marker. There are six of us, and six people cleaning a single area
isn’t going to work, so we have two or three areas separated out into
five days (our goal is to clean five days per week). We schedule the
cleaning via group text message at least two hours ahead of time.
Then we assemble at the table, pick a day, assign the jobs, start the
timer, start some music, and clean for twenty minutes. If someone
finishes early, they get re-assigned to another job until we have all
worked for twenty minutes. We clean with whoever is home at the time,
even if it’s only a couple of us.
This cleaning system has
finally gotten our house to feel like a home. We all now have clean,
paired socks and vacuumed hallways.
Bedroom cleaning is handled by
a different system of weekly room inspections.
Mollie: Any other ongoing
arguments?
Cal: Nothing is jumping to mind. My wife and I are pretty low-key
people, but we have still managed to have some pretty turbulent times
in our marriage. This point isn’t one of them. Our kids are now 18,
16, 14 and 11. They are old enough that they are becoming
self-sufficient, but young enough not to realize how clueless they
are in the real world. It’s a frustrating time. I think we’ve been
handling it well, overall, but have been far from perfect.
Mollie: Finally, how much do you enjoy your marriage? Is it worth
the hardship?
Cal: I do enjoy my marriage. The sex is amazing, and that’s a large
part of male happiness. Consistent access to a female is success in
an evolutionary sense. Beyond just meeting physical needs, my wife is
a wonderful friend who I still enjoy having dinner with or
accompanying to one of our children’s events. I made a really good
decision before we started dating: I had just had a mediocre dating
experience with a pretty red-haired girl, who treated me like a
distraction. Based on that experience, I decided that the next person
I was going to spend my time with would be one who I enjoyed being
with. My
wife is remarkable in that I was always sorry
when the evening came to an end; there never seemed to be enough
time.
Twenty-three years later, I still think that was a
wise decision. I haven’t had the most exciting life from the outside,
but I’ve enjoyed most minutes because I made a really good choice. I
married an honest friend who I really enjoyed being around. Fights
come and go, but we still like having dinner, watching a movie or
doing a project together. Even when we are at our worst, there has
always been that underlying layer of friendship and enjoyment that we
fell back on. It’s a pretty amazing connection.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
In addition, currently I have several Audible Audiobook versions to give away. Email me at mollie at mollieplayer.com if interested and I will try to get one of them to you.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
In addition, currently I have several Audible Audiobook versions to give away. Email mollie at mollieplayer.com if interested and I will try to get one of them to you.
