Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
In addition, currently I have several Audible Audiobook versions to give away. Email mollie at mollieplayer.com if interested and I will try to get one of them to you.
Meet a minimalist who quit her corporate job to become a professional housesitter, a designer who uses negative space to create meaningful features and a woman whose grief led her to start fresh.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a man who rents out his apartment to fund his world travels, a woman who got out from under a huge debt by selling her belongings, and several experienced home organizers.
Meet a minimalist who quit her corporate job to become a professional housesitter, a designer who uses negative space to create meaningful features and a woman whose grief led her to start fresh.
For the past two years, I’ve been attending graduate school earning my Master’s of Science in Counseling. After the massive amount of practice hours and essays I’ve completed, it’s a huge joy–and relief–to finally be practicing as a student counselor at a Seattle counseling practice. I’m helping real people! Finally!
As a new counselor, I offer low-cost counseling services to Washington residents. Currently I am only taking remote clients using a secure video platform. If you or anyone you know has immediate plans to work on their self-improvement goals, call myself or my supervisor, Brittany Steffans, at 206-535-1787.
So don’t know if I mentioned this, but my book, The Naked House: Five Principles for a Minimalist Home has now been republished by my new publisher, Next Chapter. The cover is AWESOME and what I love best is the ELEVEN interviews I conducted with minimalists of all varieties: financial minimalists, career travelers, parenting minimalists and of course, people who just stripped their houses down to make room for life to happen more beautifully! Their stories have inspired me to live even more minimally. (More on that to come.)
Some of the advice in Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is pretty standard stuff. Some of it, however, is not. Here, a short Q and A that follows the lessons in the book that might help clarify a few of the more nuanced suggestions.
Lesson: Change Your Partner the Right Way
What about when there’s a behavior in my partner that really does
need to change? In the book you show how Matthew slowly learned how
to take on more responsibility for his child. In my case, I’d like to
change the way my husband disciplines our kids. I want him to be more
firm. Is this something that I can change about him? Are some
qualities changeable, and others not?
Yes. But we don’t know which is which until we give our partner the
chance to show us.
The way I see it, there are three ways to change your partner for the
better. The first, and most important, is just believing the best of
them and treating them well. This is the one we should always be
doing.
When this isn’t enough, we have two other options. One is the major
argument or discussion, which involves detailed negotiation. The
other is what I call “the slow nag.” This is when you make
little hints and suggestions—maybe even good-natured jokes—about
the issue without ever forcing it. When done right, it’s surprisingly
effective.
Are you sure this will work?
No.
Okay, fair enough. But are you sure it’s okay to try to change
your partner? Everyone tells us this is a terrible idea, that we need
to accept them as they come or not at all.
Yes, I am absolutely sure that over the course of your marriage, you
can and will change your partner in a wide variety of significant and
not-so-significant ways. It’s not only possible but nearly
unavoidable; we do it every single day. Whenever we look at someone,
whenever we speak to them, whenever we have any kind of interaction,
we affect the way they think and feel. Think about it: How would your
partner affect your behavior towards him if he did what is
recommended in this book, and treated you with utmost respect and
love all the time? You’d change a heck of a lot. And the changes you
didn’t make in spite of his caring suggestions would probably be the
ones that meant too much to you to give up. Well, it’s the same for
him. There are things about himself he won’t change for you or for
anyone, ever. The question is: Can you live with those things? Are
they deal breakers or not? Incidentally, there’s a great book about
accepting our partners for who they are called Marry Him: The Case
for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. I highly
recommend it, even to long-time partners.
Lesson: Brush Up on Your Endocrinology
My husband is such a taker. He just takes and takes and takes,
until I can’t give anymore, and I explode. Why are men like this? How
can I get him to give more?
Don’t concern yourself with why. Men are simply better at getting
their own needs and wants met than women are. When you can’t or don’t
want to give anymore, simply don’t. Tell your husband that you need
some “me” time, and take it—even if he doesn’t love the
idea. The trick is to do this gently, without anger and with grace.
For me, this has been one of the hardest marriage skills to learn,
but now I get a nap every day. It was worth the work.
Here, it’s worth mentioning that personality differences, too—not
just gender differences—affect the way your partner meets his
needs. My favorite personality typing book is the (misleadingly
titled) Dressing Your Truth: Discover Your Personal Beauty Profile
by Carol Tuttle. The book only discusses female personality types,
but in other books of hers, males fall into the same four categories.
Understanding not just your unique behavior but the basic internal
beliefs that give rise to that behavior is incredibly therapeutic and
healing.
The bottom line: There are four main personality types: wind, water,
fire and rock. Wind people are bright and animated. Their driving
purpose in life is to enjoy it. Water people are subtle, caring and
soft. Their driving purpose is to love and care about people. Fire
people are dynamic and passionate. Their driving purpose is to
accomplish their goals and change the world. Rock people are bold and
striking. Their driving purpose is to seek and disseminate truth. If
you want to better understand the motivations behind your partner’s
quirks, read this book.
Lesson: Don’t Defend Yourself
Okay, so not defending myself. I get how doing so can be unhelpful
and even counterproductive, escalating the fight even further. But
self-defense is one of our primary human drives; we all want other
people to acknowledge when we’re in the right, or to at least to
basically understand our intentions. How can I avoid getting
defensive?
Try this: Look forward with great anticipation to your next
opportunity to be criticized by your partner in some way. Then, when
it happens, in the moment in which it is happening, ask yourself,
“What would it feel like to just not defend myself right now—to
smile and say nothing committal, maybe even to agree with what my
partner is saying? Would it make me proud?”
Then—just as an experiment, mind you—say something kind in
response. Not necessarily an apology, if an apology feels insincere
to you, but something sweet and understanding. Something like, “Okay.
You might be right about this. I promise to give it some real
thought.”
Now, observe how you feel about yourself in this moment and compare
it to how you might have felt had you defended yourself. Do you feel
more self-respect? And what about your partner’s response? Did their
anger begin to dissolve?
It sounds like what you’re saying is that you should just accept
whatever criticism comes your way, no matter how wrong it is. That’s
not self-respectful, is it?
Yes, that’s what I’m saying, and yes, it is. You don’t have to accept
the criticism as true, but you can listen to it in silence without
agreeing with it in any way.
But doesn’t this just come across as a big “I don’t care what
you think” attitude?
Preferably, no. At times, in an effort to be less defensive, I’ve
used a superior tone of voice, responding with something like, “Okay,
Honey. You have your opinion.” I’ve since come to the belief
that this sort of attitude isn’t nondefensiveness—it’s ego,
disguised as nondefensiveness. And it really, really doesn’t work. It
doesn’t make me feel good, and it doesn’t dissolve his anger; in
fact, it fuels it even more.
If you’re going to choose between being condescending and not
explaining your side and being kind and asking to be given the chance
to explain your side, choose the latter every time. At least you’ve
shown that you are willing to truly listen, and by asking for
permission first before defending yourself, you’ve put the other
person in a much more receptive mode.
Lesson: Appreciate the Gift
Logically, I know that marriage is a gift—even the hard parts,
the arguments. But how do I go from knowing it to really knowing it,
to feeling really grateful for my partner on a day-in-day-out basis?
I have two ideas. The first is to dote on your partner—to do loving
acts regularly. The second is to relentlessly question your negative
thoughts about him or her.
A lot of people try to describe why it is that parenting, one of the
toughest jobs on the planet, is also one of the most well-regarded
and most sought-after. Here is my attempt: The beauty of parenting is
that here is this perfect new person, and you have the privilege of
loving them the most.
Teaching children is great. Watching them grow and admiring them and
laughing with them is wonderful. But just loving someone this much,
giving this much of yourself for another person every day—that is
the part that really gets you.
Well, it’s the same marriage: the practice of loving another person
just feels good. Making dinner for your partner, speaking gently with
them when they’re in a bad mood, holding them when they’re sad—these
are the things that give our lives real meaning, and the things that
truly bond us.
Compliment your partner. Every single day. Say nice things,
particularly when it’s unexpected. Be specific, too: something like,
“I am feeling very tender and affectionate towards you today.”
Genuine compliments are far too rare and far more valuable than most
of us realize; whenever we get one, we really treasure it, don’t we?
We remember some of them for a very long time.
My second idea is to relentlessly question your negative thoughts
about your partner. In “Change Your Story” I describe the
process of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I cannot recommend it
more highly. The theory among some psychologists and certainly many
spiritual guru-types on its effectiveness is that when you remove the
negative thoughts, love simply fills the gap, since love is who we
really are underneath. Sometimes I’m skeptical that this is the case
with me, but the more I journal my negative thoughts and replace them
with the truth, the more cheerfulness and lightheartedness I feel,
which naturally flows into my attitudes about other people.
Particularly people I really, really like anyway, like my husband.
There was a time when I would have paid anything for a magic wand
that could, with a wave, turn off all my husband’s worst traits. The
other day, though, when I was talking to my sister on the phone about
relationships, it hit me: At some point, I stopped wanting my partner
to be perfect. What would it look like if he had no flaws? Would he
do everything I ever wanted or asked him to do? And how long would it
take before I started seeing him as a robot, an automaton: “Honey,
will you wash the dishes?” “Sure, my dear.” “Then
go wash the car and pack the car for our trip?” “Of
course.” That’s not even a relationship, is it?
Marriage is one of the biggest challenges I’ll get in this life. I’m
milking it for all the self-improvement it’s worth.
Final Question
Some of your advice is strange. Are you sure it’ll work?
In my life there are very few certainties, and for the most part I
like to keep it that way. One thing I do feel sure of, though, is
that self-improvement efforts—no matter how small, no matter how
flailing, and no matter how many times they seem to fail—are worth
it almost every time. Because often, even when they seem to fail,
they don’t fail all the way; somewhere inside you, something has
changed. Maybe it takes a year or two for you to see the difference,
but eventually you do.
Some of the advice in Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is pretty standard stuff. Some of it, however, is not. Here, a short Q and A that follows the lessons in the book that might help clarify a few of the more nuanced suggestions.
Lesson: Don’t Make It Into a Big Deal
Can you give me another example of how to pretend something isn’t
a big deal? Is it just about ignoring the little stuff, or what?
No. It’s partly that, but it’s also about having a bit of fun with
the process.
When something is bugging my husband and I know that it’s a temporary
thing—a bad mood, tiredness or whatever—I use the opportunity to
practice what I preach in this book: being nice, not getting angry,
keeping my perspective. Here is sort of what that looks like: First,
I don’t take hold of the rudeness he’s offering me. If he continues
to offer it, I say something like, “Hon, are you okay?”
Usually, that diffuses the situation pretty quickly. On the rare
occasion on which it doesn’t, though, and he’s actually mad at me, he
might explain what’s bothering him. That’s my chance to either talk
it through or tell him that I love him but I’m choosing not to do
what he wants me to do.
I’m a pretty serious person. I tend to be a little more like
Rachel the list-maker than Genevieve the intuitive. How can I learn
to not sweat the small stuff?
Control freaks do well to find other outlets for their passion. Do
you have at least a few other close friendships? Do you have at least
one hobby you really love? Your partner shouldn’t be your only source
of endorphins.
Also remember that the whole letting go thing feels weird at first;
when you’re emotional, your instinct is to directly deal with the
situation. After a while, though, as talking about your relationship
issues becomes less the norm than the exception, you begin to settle
into a habit of ignoring stuff that starts you both spinning.
You become more at peace with peace.
What if we never get there? What if we never figure out how to be
“comfortably in love” again?
Relationships aren’t always fun and easy. But they should be a lot of
the time. If yours isn’t, you’re either not a good match—water and
oil—or you’re really seeking out problems. Stop the problem-making
habit and start a fun-making habit. If you do lots of enjoyable stuff
together, little problems tend not to grow.
And definitely don’t get too much into his emotional business unless
he shares it with you. Remember that your partner’s happiness is his
job—not yours. Be the best partner you can be, and let him figure
out everything else. Give him a bit of advice, then let him make his
own choices.
Lesson: Be Uncomfortably Nice
What is the best way to show my partner that I love him on a daily
basis?
Use a pleasant tone of voice. Always, always, always, unless you
truly, in that moment, cannot. If you follow only one piece of advice
in this book, follow this one. Use a (sincerely) pleasant tone of
voice at all times, particularly during the mundane activities of
life. This is where your relationship really lives. If you’ve fallen
into that common but horrible habit of speaking with slight
condescension to your partner on a regular basis, know that in order
to make things work, this will have to change.
So, what about when your partner says something that’s not just
rude, but super mean? The other day I told my husband I was really
stressed out and he said, point blank, “I don’t care.” I
couldn’t believe it. It hurt so much.
That does hurt. Have you asked him why he said it?
He said it because he didn’t care. In that moment, he didn’t care
about how I felt.
Not necessarily. People say this stuff. He probably cares but at the
time was upset about something else. My best advice is to ask him if
he meant what he said. Ask him sweetly, at a time when he’s not mad.
He’ll be impressed by your mature way of handling the situation.
He’ll remember it, and if you handle rude comments this way
regularly, he’ll eventually learn to be more careful with his words.
Countering not-nice with nice is the best way to get an apology.
So, how do you do this? I mean, we all snap at our partners and
kids sometimes, right? We can’t be nice all the time.
Make it your number one priority for a week. A nice tone of voice,
all day long. It’s a habit.
Lesson: Shamelessly Bargain (And Always Have a Bottom Line)
One of the things my husband struggles a lot with is getting time
to exercise. He likes it, and it’s important to him, but there’s only
a certain window of opportunity—in the hour after work—when he
can get to the gym or take a jog. Lately, though, he’s been skipping
this window and coming home early to crash on the couch. Then when
it’s his turn to take the baby, he says he really needs to get his
exercise done. It’s not fair, and the other day it caused a huge
fight. What should I do?
It sounds like you have a schedule in place that you’re generally
both happy with. If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of sticking
to it—even if he doesn’t like it. Tell him that it’s his baby time,
offer to discuss it, then walk away. If you need to, leave the house
to force him to do his duty.
Oh, that’ll go over well.
Risk the argument. See it as an investment you make for your future
happiness; if he sees you’re going to enforce your agreement, he’ll
take future agreements more seriously. See it as practice for when
you have to do the same kind of enforcement with your kids.
If you don’t take this advice, don’t blame him for taking advantage
of your fear of confrontation.
Oh, and as always, when you leave, leave with a smile, or at least without undue emotion. He may not be smiling back. But that’s okay.
Giselle is a forty-year-old mother of two. She has been married for seventeen years.
Mollie: Can you remember a time when your marriage felt extremely difficult? What was the problem and how did it begin?
Giselle: I remember it like it was yesterday. It was when our second kid was born. At that time, we were both very successful in our careers and lived in a beautiful new home, with nice cars and basically all you could ask for. The problem for us was that we didn’t really respect each other. We hadn’t learned how to have a productive disagreement and talk through things. Being two very stubborn individuals, we thought we could change each other into the molds we wanted by not backing down in a fight. Ever.
The second child’s birth really brought this all to light. Having all we could ask for just wasn’t enough anymore. We decided that we were either going to live separate lives or work for it and that’s when we reached out for help. Honestly, at that time, while he wanted us to survive, I thought we didn’t have a chance and was prepared to move on. I just couldn’t take that step, though, partly due to my faith.
So, we tried a year’s worth of counseling. It helped. But, what really helped was just maturity and learning that we fell in love for a reason and it all can be fixed as long as we’re both willing to at least try. Now, we know that fighting is just a big waste of time and actually listening to each other is way more effective, no matter the outcome.
If I’d only known then what I know now. When couples think they’re doomed, I want to scream “It’s fixable!” and “I was there.”
Mollie: What was one specific argument that you had that showed the lack of respect and ability to communicate?
Giselle: To be totally transparent, what sticks out in my head at the moment is when I called him to tell him I was pregnant with baby number two and his response was, “What the fuck!” That wasn’t fun.
Mollie: Tell me more about that.
Giselle: Okay. Let me set the stage. We were living in my husband’s hometown at the time and had been for about seven years. By then, we had made good friends, but they were more like the kind of friends that were fun to party with and we never really opened up to them for help and support with our marriage (or with any intimate feelings for that matter). It’s a habit for both of us to not be vulnerable anyway.
When I told my husband about being pregnant with baby number two and he responded badly, I just retreated further and never really talked about my feelings to him or anyone else. Instead, we fought a lot about other stupid things and never really dealt with our real feelings. I was really hurt at the time and felt alone but never said that to anyone. At this point, we were so distant from each other we basically were just co-existing.
When the new baby was a year and a half old we moved back to my hometown to be closer to my family. At that time, I thought either we’d get divorced and it’d be better for me to have my family around, or we’d work it out and it’d still be better to shake things up and have a stronger support system. We started counseling there, too.
It took a while, and things still aren’t perfect but definitely worth the move and surrounding ourselves with supportive people. We communicate much better now and know how, when in an argument, to listen to each other more and to do our best to at least hear what the other person is saying.
Since then (the past eight years or so) I’m so grateful we didn’t give up on us. We both love our kids and learned so much along the way. We actually like each other and love each other now.
No married couple gets everything right. Here, a few pieces of marital wisdom that didn’t make it into Matthew and Rachel’s story.
1. Figure out the money
thing. Different plans work for different people. The key is
to do just that: plan.
2. Figure out which kind
of fight you’re having. Is the fight about what it seems
to be about–money, in-laws, whatever–or is it about feelings and
egos getting wounded? If it’s the latter, deal with the feelings
first. Then circle back to the mother-in-law’s casserole
catastrophe.
3. Make it into a joke.
I hinted at this one several times, but seriously–no, not
seriously–this is funny stuff. Marriage is funny. Kids are
hilarious. If you can laugh even while fighting, resentment and
tension lessen considerably. (The kids will appreciate it, too.)
4. Keep the chores
separate. Yours are yours and theirs are theirs. This
minimizes chore fights and nagging considerably.
5. Figure out
what you can control and what you can’t. Marriage is the
Serenity Prayer all over the place.
6. Use “I”
statements. You’ve heard this before, but it bears
repeating: No matter how unnatural or uncomfortable it feels, make
the negative comments about you. After all, it is about you.
Otherwise you wouldn’t be dealing with it.
7. Don’t punish your
partner. They won’t learn a darn thing through it except
to escalate and solidify their bitterness and anger. No one wants to
feel like the bad guy. Whenever possible, make them into the good guy
and yourself into the good but struggling guy. They’ll become the
person you show them in your mirror.
8. Don’t yell.
Ever. What is the point?
9. Most important, notice
the small resentments and don’t let them grow any bigger. Seeing
a few of my married-couple friends repeatedly pass entire evenings
together barely looking into each other’s eyes caused me to suspect
the discomfort in their relationships. I realized that I never wanted
my marriage to get to a place where we could no longer really look at
each other.
Some of the advice in Fights You’ll Have After Having a Baby is pretty standard stuff. Some of it, however, is not. Here, a short Q and A that follows the lessons in the book that might help clarify a few of the more nuanced suggestions.
Lesson: Change Your Story
What if my partner is regularly rude, selfish and impatient? Should I still change my story about him?
What do you mean by regularly? Does your partner treat you well most
of the time? Do you usually feel good when you’re around him? Does he
bring much more happiness than unhappiness to your life? Is he
holding up his end of the bargain? These are the questions you need
to answer. Only you.
But maybe he really is just a bad person.
He’s not a bad person. He’s just a person. Sometimes people
appreciate you, and other times, they get annoyed and look for
someone to blame. When you relax your character judgments, you see
more clearly. You are more able to make decisions about your
relationship based on your needs, your feelings and your mental
health.
Lesson: Don’t Fight. Just Talk Instead.
My husband suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. It isn’t unusual for him to be in a bad mood as soon as he gets home from work. What is the best way to handle a bad temper?
First, don’t be afraid of your husband. Anger is often about control.
Sometimes people yell because they feel out of control of a situation
and want to merely let out the frustration they feel. Other times
they yell as a way to intimidate others into letting them have their
way. This is not a judgment; we all do it, and most of us do it
regularly. However, anger is a sign of weakness. Yelling is the weak
person’s way to feel strong. Know this, and know this with
compassion.
Second, don’t respond to anger. Say nothing—nothing at all. Don’t
apologize for or justify your partner’s temper, either to others or
to yourself. Don’t pretend you agree with his perspective or placate
him. Just let him be. Fully accept, embrace and acknowledge that this
is not a good or justifiable quality, but merely a common one.
Say nothing. Let the silence be not a resentful one, though, but one
that comes from a deep sense of self-respect; a caring, dignified
silence.
A lot of the time, that’s what I do. I just ignore it and let it
go. Other times I engage with him—either to agree with him and make
him feel better or to defend myself, if the anger is directed at me.
No sometimes. Just don’t engage at all in that moment. No response,
other than a blanket statement like, “I hear you,” and that
only if he specifically asks for it. He will be astounded at your
self-control. And self-control trumps an attempt at controlling
others any day.
But then how will anything get solved? How will we work through
the problem?
If the problem is just his problem—his anger problem—there is
nothing at all for you to do other than offer an example of another
way of being, praying for him, and suggesting he get outside help if
needed. If the problem is a family or relationship one, simply wait
to discuss it when neither of you are upset. It’s a lot more fun that
way, and much more productive, too.
What about expressing your anger? Isn’t doing so a hugely
important thing to do for your own mental health?
Admitting your anger to yourself is, I believe, hugely important. But
talking about it with other people is often unnecessary (except in a
self-controlled, reasonable way). Imagine being the kind of person
who is able to deal with all of her negative feelings internally, who
doesn’t blame others for it or play the victim. Do you like that
image of yourself? Maintaining your self-respect is reason enough to
observe your pain in your own quiet heart rather than exploding at
your partner.
One night after dinner I asked my husband to help me with the
dishes. He said he would, then started doing them, but after a little
while he stopped. I finished sweeping the floor, then started getting
the baby ready for her bath. Then I asked my husband if he was going
to finish the dishes. He said, “You said you were going to help
but never did.” I said, “Can’t you see that I’ve been
cooking and cleaning for over an hour?” He never finished the
dishes or apologized. Now I’m mad at him. What do I do?
Why did you ask him to help you with the dishes, if what you really
wanted was for him to do the dishes? Maybe this was just a
communication issue. Say exactly what you want, even if the request
is less attractive that way. If you want, tell him what you will do,
too. Something like, “Can you do the dishes, Hon, so I can
finish sweeping up and get the baby in the bath?”
Your fight wasn’t about whether or not he did the dishes. Your fight
was about your feeling unappreciated or unloved. Know the difference,
and deal with the real issue first. Tell him that you don’t feel
loved in this moment, and ask him to acknowledge all the work you
were doing.
Remember: Always assume his motives are good. Don’t start the inner
monologue about his lack of character. And don’t hear insults where
insults aren’t spoken. Instead, hear need— tiredness, stress,
sadness—or just his desire to feel loved, too.
Lesson: Apologize Every Chance You Get
The other day, I was a jerk. I said some things I regret, and
don’t know how to forgive myself and move on. Any advice?
I know how you feel. There are a handful of slammed doors behind me,
too. Did you ask your partner to forgive you yet? If not, do. Some of
the tenderest moments in relationships come after fights and sincere
apologies.
After that, take apart the argument. Pull the meat from the bone.
What is the important stuff here? What do you need to do differently
next time to avoid the argument? Do you need to renegotiate
something? Time to look forward.
